New sibling causing ds1 stress

[Bekki]

I've just written a long message but I erased it all so I'll make this brief,
Ds2 was born 10 weeks ago.
Ds1 (normally a hyper, fun and spirited child) became very reserved.
Playgroup have taken this change to be an improvement in his behaviour. For me it has sent alarm bells ringing.
Over the last 4 weeks his behaviour has been intolerable. But is only directed towards myself and dh.
He seems depressed and so I've stopped smacking him for his extreme behaviour.
He has started not wetting the bed but pooing in his pants. He has been toilet trained for 18 months.
He says that he hates his dad.
He occasionally tries to hurt ds1 when my back is turned.

I would appreciate any advice about how to handle his behaviour, ways of talking to him about why he feels this way and anyone whos been through this and had a happy ending would be nice to hear from too.

BTW, I try to spend as much time as I can with him, and I praise him for every good thing he does but it doesn't seem to help matters. Yesterday and today he drew all over the walls, why didn't he get the message when he was sent to his room for it yesterday? I am very worried that he may be depressed. Why is he behaving so well at playgroup and not for me, it used to be the other way round.

[jmg]

He isn't behaving well for you because you've dared to bring some other smelly, crying little baby into your life.

Someone once said to me to think about your husband taking a mistress. Then he tells you he's moving her into your house - and you have no choice in it. Then to cap it all he spends all his time giving her cuddles in front of you and then you have to sleep in a different room while she gets to sleep in his room.

You are absolutely mad, upset etc but can't express this to him because you are scared of loosing him altogether so you think you are hiding it well...

It doesn't take much imagination to think how rotten he is feeling

What age is he?

It does get better in time but you have to be patient and develop a very very 'blind eye' !!

Good luck!

[saintshar]

This could have been me posting this not too long ago. It is a very difficult thing, and i think all elder siblings go trough it, some worse than others though.
You are doing the right things- spending time with him praising etc. All i can say is stick with it. Say things like "no matter what you think, i love you and ???? exactly the same. You are both my world." Things like that, and lay it on thick.
My ds1 was six when ds2 arrived. It was SSOOooo hard for a while. They feel like all the attention has been taken from them, and given to this 'little' thing that doesn't do much other than cry. Obviously this is true to a degree, we all know newborns are a full time job on their own. So they are naughty because they get attention for that, i think they feel any attention is better than none, even if that is shouting at them, or a smack.
My ds1 is now seven, and the baby 18m. The jealousy is still there a little, but you also grt situations like we had today. Ds1 was stying at my sisters Saturday night. When i went to pick him up, he didn't bother with me, or dh, all he could say was "i can't wait to see the baby." When he did see him, he couldn't stop hugging him and kissing him, saying how much he loves him and missed him. Ahhh, it makes the heart swell.
Good luck Bekki**

[Beccarollo]

Bekki, as you know Ive had some of the same problems
DS was born 10 weeks ago and DD is just turned 4.

Things seemed fine at first then she started being very cheeky, very defiant, reacting extremely to normal situations and overall she seemed to be much more ANGRY than usual. To my shame I know I havent dealt with it in the best way sometimes, Ive shouted at her and even smacked which I dont usually do, I do try really hard to do some one on one things and pay her attention as much as possible - I would also love some advice on how best to deal with this. Her bad behaviour seems to be only aimed at me most of the time she is good as gold for DP and is affectionate towards DS. She is still her usual self alot of the time but the bad behaviour is still a big problem. She started a new nursery the week after DS arrived to, so some big changes happening all at once.

We need a plan Bekki so we can both help each other through it and report back.

[Nosser]

Don't known how old your elder child is, but have you read Toddler Taming? There is a most excellent bit in there about the A-Z of attention, about how they'll do anything to get it, even if it's negative attention, and it's all a massive cry for help. Once I'd digested that, I found it much easier to deal with my ds who was nearly 2 yrs old when dd was born. First month was blissful followed by ooh, six months of absolute hell!! Once I had completely lowered my expectations of him (pre sibling and pre-being two, he was really helpful, obliging, knew right from wrong etc) then I didn't get so cross at his new-found naughtiness, and somehow we muddled through. He is now 3 and they are starting to play together really nicely, which makes up for those early months.

Another thing, which you've probably thought of, is to tell your older child how great the baby thinks he is. When ds had walloped dd for the hundredth time, I just turned around to him and said 'Do you know that she thinks you're brilliant?' - which fortunately was a word he understood! This seems to have made the world of difference - we could see that she adores him, but of course he couldn't see that.

They say that time is a great healer, and in a way your son is grieving for the time when it was just him and his parents. In time it will be so normal for him to have his sibling around, but it is still really early days for him yet. I'd say, just stick with it with the praise, ignore as much naughtiness as you can, and it will all come good eventually!

[Bekki]

I suppose that I almost feel guilty for upsetting ds1 by having another baby. He is 3 and a half btw. I always assumed that jealousy only occured if you didn't prepare your child properly, but now I know that nothing prepares them. He loves ds2 but he can't control his emotions and his only respite comes at playgroup where he probably gets more attention. I think the playgroup leaders assume that I ignore my son. The other day a leader said he has worked very hard on this picture make sure that you keep it and praise him for it. I keep all his pictures and we spend all day talking about his adventures at playgroup, I'm dreading the things that he must be saying to the leaders for them to say such a thing. At the moment he has no qualms about shouting 'I hate you' to dh in the supermarket so saying something incriminating to playgroup wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

I suppose his actions are quite understandable when you read jmg's message. How often should I turn a blind eye? Most of the time its impossible ... drawing on walls, hitting ds2, shouting hurtful things to his dad...

Oh maybe it'll all seem better once I get a proper nights sleep. I get woken by ds1 and ds2 at least twice each. Ds1 has developed a sudden fear of the dark and always ends up in my bed, hmmm....

Keep me updated Becca, it must get better, surely?

[Issymum]

Me too, me too, me too. A couple of weeks ago I put up a thread on this topic - "My DS1 has turned into a monster". DS1 and DS2 are adopted, so DS1 had to cope with a DS2 who, at 12 months, was walking, babbling, smiling and snatching her toys. DS1 was OK for the first three or four weeks then she went from a surprisingly well behaved 2.5 year old to drawing on the walls, refusing to eat her food, pooing in the playroom, starting to get up throughout the night and, yes, being frightened of the dark!

It's two months now and things are improving. No magic therapy though. We used a mixture of positive reinforcement, positive attention, sticking to routines and, because we are not saintly parents, sometimes getting very angry and shouting. Hang in there. It will get better. But I completely agree it's horrible to be at war with your child. Particularly when you see how miserable they are and feel that you have caused their sadness. I've been reduced to tears a few times and I don't cry easily.

A few strategies that have worked for us:
Fear of dark: We left a 12 watt light on at night and her bedroom door open, but put up a child gate to stop her wandering. That helped and she now sleeps with the door shut again.

Food: We stopped the battles over breakfast and lunch by giving her a certain amount of time to eat her food then calmly chucking it in the bin, emphasising that there was nothing else to eat until the next meal, she would be hungry and her tummy would be 'ow'. That also seems to be working, gradually.

Drawing on walls: We were just very very angry - no need to feign it either! We don't smack, but she got the message. DH does angry much better than me and that helped. Pretty much the same for pooing in the playroom. That seems to have stopped too (trying to cross my fingers and type!)

Ignoring behaviour: Sometimes I just let her and DS2 get on with it. DS2 is quite tough and I don't want constantly to intervene. Last week they were having a hilarious time mucking around with their tea and making each other laugh. Rather than telling DS1 off, I just hid behind the kitchen counter and pretended not to notice!

Bedtime talks: We have tried talking to DS1 just before she goes to sleep about the fun we've had, how much we love her and how we don't like particularl types of behaviour. I think she's more receptive then.


Love the idea of telling DS1 how brilliant DS2 thinks she is. Completely true as well.



Things have definitely improved over the last two or three weeks and

[Bekki]

I'm glad that your situation is improving. Lets hope that it won't be long before my little boy cheers up. Ds1 has had a full nights sleep, 14 hours of sleep actually and he is much happier this morning. Fingers crossed too.

I was wondering how the adoption went. Is it a boy or girl. Its just that you have used 'ds'(darling son) instead of 'dd'(darling daughter). I hope it went smoothly for you apart from your daughters reaction of course which we already know about.

[Bekki]

I just read your previous thread. Two daughters how lovely. I always imagine girls to be much easier to look after than boys. I'm probably dillusional though.

[aloha]

Agree that behaving badly just for you is just a sign that a/he wants your attention - ALL of it! and b/he possibly wants to test you still love him no matter what. But I think it's 99% the former. He loves you and feels insecure suddenly. Not your fault, just circumstances
I think it can help to say, "You feel sad/cross/angry about the baby sometimes and I can see why" or if he does something naughty, ask him how he felt when he did it, rather than asking him why he did it.
You can't let him hit your ds but he is entitled to feel angry and unloving towards him, and also when he says 'I hate you' to your dh, maybe say something like 'You seem very angry when you say that.." and get him to talk about his feelings, rather than tell him off or get upset.
When I was pregnant I told my stepdaughter that I would understand if she wasn't happy about it or was worried and that she didn't have to love her new sibling, though it would be lovely if she did.

[Bekki]

Thanks Aloha. That is our main problem, knowing how to react and discipline him without causing him further upset. It was quite simple before ds2 was born. He knew that he would be sent to his room for bad behaviour and if he repeated it or it was particularly bad he would be smacked. But now that doesn't work and we are treading on egg shells with him whilst still trying to get through to him that he cannot behave like that. I will definatley start asking him how he felt rather than why he did it, especially since he still can't grasp the meaning of 'why'.

[Issymum]

Thanks Bekki. The adoption went brilliantly and DD2 (definitely 'D'!) is gorgeous. We adopted DD2 in September, just as she had her first birthday. Considering that she had spent almost her entire life in a Cambodian orphanage, she was incredibly well and has made an amazingly easy adjustment to her new life. She's beautiful, funny, very alert. Just like her big sister!

Are girls easier? I think they may be, at least at this stage, as they will play quietly - sometimes.

Interesting you mentioned about sleep. I think that one of DD1's problems was that DD2 was waking her up in the night. We moved DD2 downstairs and that has helped enormously.

Two year olds are remarkably ingenious. DD1 wears a sleeping bag at night and she can't undo it. But she did manage to get out of bed, crawl across the landing and 'surf' down two flights of stairs to tell us she had done a poo! She has a baby monitor, so she just had to yell. Seeing her commando crawl into the kitchen at 9pm, looking like a giant and very smug slug, we were laughing too much to be cross!

[bobsmum]

LOL smug slug

[bobsmum]

LOL smug slug

[charlize]

kko