Mumsnet Talk

DS is 17mo and up until now I have been at home with him full time. In the last few months I have started to feel very lonely and listless at home (much as I enjoy and adore him) and, being overseas with no close friends or family around, I rarely get a break from him. He's a full on child - crawled at 4mo, walked at 8mo and is up at 4.30-5.00am every day.

Anyway, a few months ago I started to think about putting him in nursery a couple of days a week to give me a break and had a look around a few, one of which I loved. Still wasn't quite sure about leaving him so didn't go ahead. Then recently noticed on the same nursery's website that they were looking for teaching assistants 7.45am-1pm every day. Thought this could be the answer - me working and in adult company, he stimulated and making friends. Applied and got the job and enrolled DS for the same hours. Day 1 was pretty bad for crying, day 2 was better and by day 3 he didn't cry on leaving and his teachers told me he didn't cry once in the day. They very strongly feel he will be fine. BUT I still feel horribly guilty - much worse than I thought I would (had previously been so positive about nursery for him as he is constantly marauding around and gets very bored and frustrated at home/pottering with me). Today I saw him crying, he saw me and I couldn't go to him as I was working . I felt horrendous and now I can't stop crying.

I don't need to work for the money. Help me understand if I should/shouldn't keep at it? Thank you.

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How long has he been at nursery? It takes some children longer to settle in than others. I think a few weeks or longer can be normal. Being a full time SAHM can be very difficult if you don't have support of family or close friends during the day. Stick it out for a little longer, if the nursery is good, he'll be fine.

Thank you, Queen, today is day 4. Just felt so horrendous not going to him when he saw me . Still in bits TBH!

18 months is a pretty difficult age for separation anxiety, so I think it will take a few weeks for him to settle. Did you do many settling in visits with him?

I would also really try to avoid seeing him/letting him see you during the day. He won't understand why he can't be with you. I work in a nursery and one of my colleagues has her 2 year old in the next room - if she sees her or bumps into her there is lots of crying even though her dd is well settled in.

That's still early days. I felt like the worlds meanest mother when I first started DS at about the same age but he was running in himself all excited by about two weeks in and not saying goodbye.

Rita, I didn't do any apart from our look-around type visits and if I could do a badmummy face too, I would. I'd never heard of them and was so confident he'd be ok, I just left him. I feel terrible now.

Have managed to avoid him thus far, and in fact, on day 3 he walked past me a few times but was so engrossed with what he was doing, he didn't see me!

QP that's good to hear!

I guess I'm really wondering whether I am mean and doing this just for my own benefit, not his - ach - parenthood!

You really need to give it more time. It sounds like he is well on his way to settling in, but is a big change for him so he will take time to adjust. It does sound like this could be a great arrangement for both of you so do give it a chance.

It is for his benefit too. If you're a happy mummy, you will be a better mummy on the days you're at home.
Also he gets to interact with other children and learn new social skills.

Hang in there and you'll both adapt to the situation.

Thank you SJ. I've read a few horror stories and strong opinions about nursery and boys on here and these have added to my confusion/feelings of doing this "for me only".

x posted gallic. I do feel brighter and more energised with the new arrangement so your post helps - thank you.

Personally I think the nursery have acted very poorly in not giving any settling in sessions for a child that age. Typically we would do a minimum of three, more if they child needs it, over the period of a week or two - first a visit of an hour or so with the parent, then a visit where the parent plays for a while and nips out for half an hour, then more visits building up the time the child stays alone.

If he's not crying now though and seems happy during the day, then I would continue as you are. Make sure you always say goodbye to him when you leave though - maybe use the same words and phrases every day - "Mummy's going now, I'll be back after lunch"/"Mummy's back now" - so that he gets used to the idea that you go but always return. If he has a special blanket or comfort toy - or maybe a scarf or something of yours - let him take it to nursery with him.

Once he settles in I'm sure he will have a great time and get lots out of it. It is only half a day anyway, so you're both getting the best of both worlds. I have a very similar set-up with my 18 month old - he goes to a childminder 8am-1pm every day while I work, and we spend the afternoon together.

Rita you are right about the visits. I wish they had offered. I just had no idea that people did that - stupid I know.

He did settle very well on his 3rd day and he had a great big smile for the TA this morning (before crying a bit). He did cry from 11am onwards, but he's been asleep from 12.30 til now (4.15pm here) and didn't eat lunch, so maybe he is coming down with something - hence the "poorer" day today. At least I knew he wasn't doing well and was able to pop out early and get him. Hope that is it.

I certainly don't think you are doing the wrong thing by working. I have exactly the same arrangement as RM. DS (also 17mo) goes to a lovely childminder 8am-1pm during the term-time while I work.

It's great for us both- I love my job and need the mental stimulation and DS loves to play with other children and gets to go to lots of groups which are my idea of hell . So I completely agree with RM that once he's settled it will be great for you both.

However, I'm not sure I would want to work in the place where DS was as I don't think it would be possible for a child so young to understand the mummy at home/ somebody else's teacher at work thing. Do you particularly love working there or could you work somewhere else? Or could you keep your job at the nursery and put DS with a childminder (don't know how these things work in Dubai)?

Hi. I work part time, and both my boys were in nursery for exactly the same hours as you (7.45am to 1pm) from 6 months.

I always felt it was the best of both worlds. They both thrived at nursery, really enjoyed themselves, and I got a bit of space, but we still had our afternoons to play, chill out, go to the park etc.

Tbh, they had the same number of tears at home as at nursery.

I think you have done the right thing putting him in nursery for a couple of session and getting a job - but, I would look for another job, I think it's too hard on both of you (but especially him) for him to be upset, see you, know you are there but not go and comfort him. Unless they can guarantee you can be in an area where he wont see you - I'd look for another job.

Staying at home with a mum who is frustrated and bored will do your DS no good. It sounds to me like nursery is just what you both need. It will take him time to settle in - this is the very first time in his short life that he's had to encounter something like this - give him a chance! You're not doing anything wrong. Take your time with it, see how it goes and if in a few weeks things are still stressful then reassess. It's very early days yet. Good luck!

Thank you all for your kind advice, you are lovely and have made me feel better. The tears are almost dry! If anyone on the "evening shift" has more thoughts I would be grateful to hear them too.

Chipping you are right - I am going to hang on in there for a while and if me being there continues to upset him, I will look for work elsewhere, I think. I do love working with children and nursery work is not too hard to come by here.

I work because I want to and not because I have to - 2.5 days as a teacher, and my 2 pre schoolers go to nursery. I have bouts of guilt, but am considerably more sane than when I didn't work! Wouldn't change back personally - give it three months - if you commit to that emotionally it'll be easier as there's an end in sight, and if you feel like you do now then, then leave.

betcha don't (o;

Good advice Lego - thank you! x

i am surprised you are able to work at the same nursery. think its making it harder for him.

Lots of nursery staff have their children in the same nursery.

i think its not a good idea. certainly not working in the same room. get a job somewhere else