Beligerant 3 year olds?????

[lilycat]

Is it just us but is anyone else really suffering with a 3.5 DS? He is arguementative to the point of having to say the opposite to what anyone else says. Eating is a disaster zone, always has been, but dreadful now. The stock answer is I'm not hungry. Its just hard hard hard with no light at the end of the tunnel. If things aren't going his way, woe betide! He seems happy in life, very cuddly, enjoying nursery, very chatty but just has this awful temper. HELP!

[Meanoldmummy]

YES I've got one of those. He's still his beautiful charming edible adorable self, he's just argumentative to the point of me tearing my hair out, insists on going up the stairs backwards (takes 4 times as long - not funny when you're late), wants shoes on the wrong feet, insists black is white, won't eat because he knows it upsets me, even though he's never been fussy about food...every day is a game of cat and mouse. He spends all his energy dreaming up new and inventive ways of being bloody awkward and making my life impossible. I have to admit that some of it is very very funny, although I don't laugh in front of him. But sometimes it isn't funny, it makes me homicidal with rage. My mum says it's because he's bright (which he is, very). But he has a fearful temper. his brother (16mths) is starting to display similar impressive temper - he picked up his dinner and threw it at the wall with a single scream of rage the other day, then looked at me as if to say "what are you goin to do about it?" He also broke out of his cot last week. I walked in after "nap-time" - ha ha) to find a pile of sticks on the floor, and him standing on his brother's bed trying to undo the string that ties the window shut. God help me!!!!!!!!!!

[lilycat]

Its grim, we are in terror that if he is like this now, how on earth will he be when he gets older! Unfortunatly DS is bright too and seems to be five steps ahead all the time. Does yours play well with other children? DS does for a while but again if it doesn't go his way look out! He is an only child, but believe me when I say he is not spoilt infact we have possibly gone the other way, so may be its our own fault.

[beasmum]

This really does make me laugh, as my son is exactly the same, even down to wanting his shoes on the wrong feet! His first word at the beginning of each sentence is NO (just in case) even if it's something he wants! The other day, I offered him a treat, his little face lit up, his hand went up to take it and out of his mouth came "NO! yes."

I have to say I do have bad moments with this but I get around it by using reverse psychology: If I want him to put his shoes on, I tell him "No! don't put your shoes on!" and he giggles and goes to get them immediately. This works with lots of things. I tell him at dinner that his spaghetti is WORMS, it's horrible, don't touch it, and of course he loves it.

I really think the key is keep your interaction really light and jokey, rather than all heavy and parental - this REALLY works for me though like I say we do have our moments.

the other thing that really works is competition - if your son is walking upstairs really slowly, then push past a step and say "oh, I'm going to win the race then!" bet you they'll hurry themselves then.

The thing to remember I think is that kids can only be oppositional if given something to oppose. It's hard to change parenting at this age because we're so used to dealing with babies who we can dress when we need to and get places when we need to - and all of a sudden we are dealing with a person in their own right with their own strong views and a short fuse! There does have to be much more negotiation at this age I think.

[Meanoldmummy]

Mine started nursery school two days ago and I have spent most of the time I've been there cowering in the corner with my hand over my face. He isn't vicious and can be very compassionate to other children - but he is very domineering, has a VERY loud voice and doesn't see why anyone else needs to get a word in edgeways when it's plain he's the one with all the answers. And that includes the teachers. I'm at home now having left him for his first full session - God knows what I'll find when I go back in two hours' time. His language is more like 5yo, which is great in itself, but not when he's being very rude at the top of his lungs in front of about 50 other children, parents and teachers !!!!!!!

[Aloha]

It's a stage, not forever. There are some very funny threads where Mumsnetters admit to be totally cowed and obedient to their mini-dictators (including Motherinferior's very amusing comparison of her dd to another small, bossy blonde by the name of Margaret Thatcher).
The insistence that they are right, even if they are saying black is white, is absolutely infuriating I agree. But there is no easy answer. Trying to joke them out of it is the best way, when you have the energy. ie agreeing very forcefully, doing mad dances, mexican waves when they eat anything, talking to their toys in mad voices...

[Meanoldmummy]

beasmum - reverse psychology and distraction and "winning the race" and all that was great for a few weeks, it really worked - but then he got wise to it and it became just another way of making a fool out of mummy!!! If I say - "oh, I'm going to get the top of the stairs before you, I bet you can't beat me..." he'll raise an eyebrow and say "ok mummy, you get there first, you can get bored waiting for me" or something equally devastating. And now we have his brother sitting at the bottom cackling in support!!!!

[beasmum]

blimey meanoldmummy, you have a meanoldmini, don't you! I still think the key to keeping YOUR sanity is to try to keep things light and jokey though, even if the little smartass is one step ahead of you....because if you get dictatory and cross, it'll just make you feel cross and have no effect on him...

I think tbh that the secret is to remember it will change as they mature, and this is why there is pre-school!!!! not just to get a break from them but also their lively (too clever!) minds need extra challenge and stimulus at this stage.

[Caligula]

I too have one of those. One of my friends the other day said "OMG, she's a three year old teenager, isn't she?! Talk about attitude!"

I use all the other things mentioned, plus behaviour charts. I'll be really pleased when this phase has passed....

[Meanoldmummy]

ROFL meanoldmini! I suppose it serves me right!!! You are quite right about getting too heavy - he just digs his little heels in. And he really has got all the time in the world ...I am getting the hang of just being very breezy (Face? bovvered?) with him, but poor old dh is still persevering with the sergeant-major act - ds1 is running rings around him!!!

[lilycat]

Quick need this stage to finish before it finishes us. We have tried all the charts, competiton etc - ah the disdain of a 3 year old! How far can you go with negotiation? His form is my way or the highway! At what point do you draw the line and say sorry sweetie, this stops here. And how does a child this age understand that we are in charge. He certainly understands this concept as he tells me to "stop as I am not a teacher and can't tell him what to do!" Quoted verbatium.

[Caligula]

pmsl at the idea that a teacher is the only one with any authority.

I suppose that bodes well for his school life!

[sickandtired]

Meanoldmummy, are you sure you are not sharing ym sons? I ihave the same age gap and they are doing EXATLY the same. It was funny reading what you had said, as they are so alike, including the younger brother encouraging. My elder DS also shows the younger one (2 in march) better ways of being exeptionally naughty.

[Meanoldmummy]

yes...that's the best part of it actually. I may end up a sad, greying, shuffling, defeated, flinching old bag lady....but it looks as though they are going to be really close. Together they could take on most people I think!