DS1's first day at nursery...it's all going wrong!!!!

[Meanoldmummy]

I took DS1 (3.3) for his first session at nursery school this morning. I had led him to expect that I would be leaving him for part of the session, because I didn't want to set the precedent of him thinking I would stay the whole 2.5 hours - he was calm about me going, didn't cry and wasn't distressed when I came back. I left for just over an hour and came back for the last 45-ish minutes/story time/songs etc. He clearly doesn't mind being left there, so that's one hurdle!
Worryingly though, he is noticeably one of the more disobedient kids and doesn't get the idea that he's got to sit down, stop playing, tidy up, etc when told to. He had to be physically restrained a couple of times just so the teacher could get on with talking to the group. He shouts and interrupts constantly and is quite rude and argumentative (eg when the little group were sitting on their mats being read a story by the teacher, Kerry kept lunging and grabbing and shouting "I'm going to read it, not you, why are YOU reading it, I want to turn the pages"....that sort of thing) When the bell rang and he was told "it's tidy up time" Kerry sat on the floor and said "no, I don't want to". In short it was an exhausting and rather bruising experience. I don't know whether we should be worried or not or how we are going to address the issues. He also kept constantly putting his hands down his pants and rubbing his bottom, which is a bit off-putting and none of the other children seemed to be doing it. Since being home he has been quite stubborn and difficult and says his teacher is horrid. But he also said he wanted "horrid scary music" on while he has his lunch, and he refused to walk on the way home. So maybe he just isn't feeling well. I don't know. He can be quite strong-willed at home - we all can - but I'm used ot handling him and he does as he is told for me!! He's extremely bright and his language is more like a 5yo. Usually I'm proud of this, but when he's shouting and being rude it makes it worse somehow!! I found it quite embarassing having to watch other adults try to control him and stop him snatching, wandering about etc, while I was stuck outside the "circle" with his baby brother, and couldn't really do anything. I'm especially upset because I know what a charming, appealing, adorable, exciting little boy he can be when he is properly handled. Any feedback from anyone would be gratefully read. I've been so worried about this week and it's all going horrible wrong

[JenumGeranium]

I think you just need to give him time. As you said its only his first session. I think in time he will want to be like the other children and help tidy up etc. Its all new to him at the mo, but I think once he gets used to the routine at nursery he should be ok!

[lucy5]

I wouldnt worry yet, its only his first time, some kids cry, some like my dd go into themselves. He'll soon learn to play the game. Thats one of the reasons for going to nusery. Keep your chin up

[colditz]

I think hte nursery will have dealt with this sort of thing before, also, did he know you were there? Maybe he will behave better when he knows you are not there watching him.

I think he will eventually cave to peer pressure too, teachers are not allowed to say "You are naughty!" but 4 year old girls are nowhere near as pc

My friends son sounds just like yours, very spirited, and when handled properly absolutely delightful. He took a while to settle at nursery, but watching the other children adhere to the rules has convinced him that he should too. he apparently now refuses to leave the house until they have done "tidy up time" at home!

[JenumGeranium]

and as colditz says, the nursery would have dealt with this before and if they are a good nursery they would be able to handle this in the correct way.

I used to work in a private nursery and have seen all sorts of children come and go, but mostly when they did leave they left as happy children! (sad because they were leaving the nursery, but you know what I mean!)

[emily05]

ds first couple of weeks at nursery were a nightmare. He pushed and jumped on children (over excitment!) and bit a child - which he never does at home. I think that it was him testing the boundries at nursery and getting used to the children/workers.

Anyway he has been there about 5 - 6 months now and loves it. He is as good as gold and has made some friends. I think that it is just a adjustment whilst they learn what they can and cant do.

Give it a bit of time and see what happens. Believe me most 3 year olds can be challenging (ds fav word is "no"). They will see his charming side as well and are trained to deal with toddlers.

dont worry, this is all natural x

[Meanoldmummy]

Thanks everyone, you have made me feel a bit better. I think what got to me was the staff didn't seem to handle him very decisively at all, they didn't seem to "expect" difficult behaviour, and I'm worried he'll just get labelled as a horrible brat!!! Also I was firmly of the opinion that unless I left, and he knew I had left, there was no way he was going to take any kind of direction from them. He's too used to me being the authority figure. That's why I left him. I did take him to the open day for nearly three hours last week and stay with him, I thought that was enough and it was better to just take the plunge today. I stayed half an hour to take him to the loo and settle him in. But the nursery staff seemed surprised and not very impressed that I wanted to abandon him on his first day! There was a kerfuffle about how I was going to get off the premises because they had locked the gates after all the regular (non-new)parents had gone - I had to carry DS2 in his pushchair over a fence and climb back over when I cam back. All in all I feel I have failed and I'm dreading going back tomorrow - I don't want DS1 to feel like this

[saadia]

agree with those who say give it time. He will settle into the routine, at the moment it's all new to him. Did the staff say how he behaved before you got there?

[lalaa]

i think they might be firmer when they get to know him and when you're not there. i envy you - my problem is the other way around - my dd is a nightmare at home and an angel at nursery. obviously, i need to be more firm!

[wannaBe1974]

Try not to worry - as others have said he's just testing the boundaries. Please don't feel like a failure - is some of your concern maybe more directed towards the staf who you now seem to be a little unimpressed with? Did you have a look at the ofsted reports for this nursery before you put your DS in there? might be worth taking a look if you're not sure the staff are up to the job

[Meanoldmummy]

Yes, I am a little concerned that the staff seemed rather "wet" and a bit taken aback what I thought of as spirited and easily controllable toddler behaviour. But maybe it's true that they'll toughen up when I'm not there. I felt awkward about their reaction to my wanting to leave him. I'm just not very good at new things and new people I suppose, I get very anxious. The nursery is brand new, it's one of the new "Children's Centres" - government's flagship new early years' provision with the new foundation curriculum. There was quite a scrabble for places and everyone is very excited about it - new facilities, loads of staff etc. I was expecting a more positive first day I think. Thanks so much for all your comments and advice, I don't know where I would be without mumsnet sometimes

[littleshebear]

I had to move DD2 from her preschool group after a term as she was being badly behaved - like you I don't really have any problems with her behaviour at home, so it all came as a big shock.

The group had good Ofsted reports but I don't think that we really had the same approach to handling children, and after a lot of heartache we moved her.

I had had a few reservations from the start, but she seemed to settle in so well at first and always wanted to go so I ignored them. It is awful when your child misbehaves and you feel other people are making judgements about her - and you.

It is early days so I would persist, as everyone says, because they do get a lot out of going. However, I would also say trust your instincts, and accept the possibility that another group, or staff with a different approach might suit your child and yourself better if problems persist.

[wannaBe1974]

Might be that the staff are reluctant to discipline a child while the parents are still there. If you're concerned about the staff though it might be worth finding out how many of them are qualified and how many are still studying for their NVQ. A nursery in our area got a very bad ofsted report because the majority of the staff are still studying for their NVQ and there was deemed to be a lack of fully qualified staff. I appreciate that they all have to learn somewhere, but generally they recommend a certain percentage of fully qualified staff vs training ones.

[Meanoldmummy]

littleshebear - thanks for that. I hop your DD is happier at her new place. I'll certainly keep an eye on things. I really don't want to have to move him though - I hope they can find a way of getting on with him. I don't find it that difficult!!!!

[beasmum]

Your son is absolutely normal and fine and actually sounds very similar to mine indeed! His reaction afterwards was just that of a child who has been stretched and challenged out of their comfort zone and he was letting off steam, because he CAN with his loving mum.

Please take the pressure off yourself and him and give it PLENTY of time - don't even wonder how things are going for about 3 - 5 months. His behaviour is well within normal bounds that nursery staff should be well used to dealing with and they should have strategies for dealing with him if he won't sit still, etc. Don't worry that he is argumentative and wants to take charge - he will soon bend himself a little to learn that others have needs to. My son was exactly like this and had a big adjustment to make, which he is doing fine. He does want to initiate games because he is very imaginative, and he tends to want to be the 'leader'.

However, I did move him from his first nursery because they were presenting it as a problem to me that he wouldn't 'join in'. I discovered that there was one activity on offer only and all children were expected to join in and I feel pressured too much - not enough free play and learning through this. I feel this approach gave him no scope to be himself - and a child who is maybe a natural leader shouldn't have this part of their personality squashed out of them, so long as they are not unpleasant to people.
The one he's in now is much more laid back and I am happier with their approach - so to get back to the point NEVER worry about changing if they cannot meet your childs needs.

And yes children have to adapt to a group at nursery but they must be free to be themselves too.

He sounds lovely.