friendship dilemma

[alexsmum]

my five year old has a friend who he is quite close to i suppose. i am friendly with his mum but only because of the boys, we have little in common otherwise.
i've been feeling a little uneasy about their friendship for a while- this boy brings out the worst in ds. without this boy my ds is quite mature and sensible and a nice kid. when they get together he can get quite wild and cheekier etc.
anyway, they are allowed to take a small toy in to school to play with at break, and this kid keeps borrowing ds's toys, and several times has returned them broken.this really winds me up. today ds took a new and so favourite action figure in,only to have his friend borrow it. when i questioned him about why he had lent it,he said that this boy said if he didn't, he could never come to his birthday parties again.
this smacks to me of bullying and i don't know what to do. i don't know whether to talk to his mum or not. what would you all do?

[alexsmum]

bump

[mummytosteven]

might be worth having a chat to the form teacher, as to how they seem to interact at school.

[alexsmum]

you know, i was only saying to a friend today that i was going to discuss their relationship at parents evening.

[BudaBabe]

I have a similar situation with my DS (4) and his best friend. DS is only allowed (by bf) to play with this boy but if I ask who he wants to play with he says BF!! Thankfully they are not allowed bring toys in or I would be facing a similar issue to you I am sure.

I have spoken to the teacher and she is aware of other problems with the boy in question.

It is so hard when they actually WANT to be friends with someone you don't like! This boy has 2 older brothers and has been exposed to more advanced TV etc than my DS.

No advice I'm afraid - just sympathy!

[alexsmum]

this boy is an only child so used to having his own way, he's one of the youngest in the year and a lot samller than ds so i think he gets a bit aggressive to make up for that iyswim.
don't want to fall out with my friend but don't want to just let it go on.

[alexsmum]

bumping this as i'm really unsure about what to do.

[alexsmum]

come on someone, tell me what to do!!

[nooka]

Alexsmum, I am not sure there is anything much you can do. You can talk to the teacher and find out if your concerns are founded, you could say to your son that no toys are to be taken in to school in future (this sounds like a very bad idea - our school specifically bans this - toys are confiscated if found). But you can't change your ds's choice of friends. We had a similar issue with ds and another boy being wild together, but ds was adamant that this child was his best mate even though he agreed that he wasn't always nice and playing with him got him into trouble. There was nothing we could do to change his mind about the friendship. However, said bf also helped ds enormously when he went into school for the first time with his glasses (which he has to wear to correct his eyesight), because he said they were cool.

[Caligula]

You can speak to his teacher (depending on how helpful they are about this sort of thing) you can only allow him to take in unbreakable toys or the bits of crap you don't like and would be happy to see broken anyway, and the only other thing I can think of is to invite other children over for play dates, so that he gets to know them a bit better.

I probably wouldn't talk to his mother, because other children's mothers always seem demented to me and she might take it wrong, but perhaps raise it as a "how d'you think they're getting on together?" kind of thing and see if she gives you an in...

[alexsmum]

its not so much the toys , its the 'lend it to me or you can't come to my party ' thing. how nasty.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

fairly normal for this age group though. one of ds2's friends told him he couldn't come to her party because I didn't know where it was- she really got him going (obviously he reacted as she was saying it every day). I just told him to say say that I did know and he would be there and not to respond in any other way.

I wouldn't let him take in favourite toys, too likely to meet with disaster.

[chipkid]

alexsmum-this is not bullying it appears to be what lots of 4 and 5 year olds say to each other.-It is their way of exerting some control in a situation when they feel they have very little.
Also try and consider how hard it is for children who are the youngest in the year. If this is a single intake school newly turned 4 and almost turned 5 are rubbing along together-but think of how much a child grows in that period-the 4 year old is still very young-not necessarily a little thug

[getbakainyourjimjams]

agree chipkid, it seems to be a common sort of thing they say to each other, from moseying aorund conversations in this age group. In this sort of situation I'd just downplay it "did he say that? well that's a silly thing to say because he didn't mean it, pay no attention" etc etc. I'm also not sure that being an only has much to do with anything really.

[alexsmum]

they are five going on six, and i guess i'm just worried because this kind of talk really does seem to be this boys way of getting what he wants.and i think the only child thing is relevant, because i think he really doesn't get why he shouldn't have everything he wants when he wants it. when he comes to our house he finds ds2 really hard to handle- doesn't think he should be allowed to play /touch the toys/ touch him.
he hasn't had his corners rubbed off by having to share and take turns.

[Tortington]

i would tell him that such comments would not be said by true friends.


i wouldnt allow him to take anything in of value.

i certainly wouldnt replace anything broken by his friend. as your child has to learn when to say no.


brings out the worst. hmmmm i always wonder - am i the only person who never says this? i never say my child has "got in with a bad crowd" or anything of the sort, thats becuase i think children are quite capable even at that age of making decisions about friendships.

i wouldnt get too heated about it, this happens all the time.

especially when there are three friends - then it gets really tricky becuase kids dont seem tounderstand that you can have 2 really good friends and there is alwys an odd one out who comes home in tears.

thats life and the great process of socialisation

[Aloha]

I have two kids but I think it is really unfair to stereotype children just because they don't have siblings. My stepdaughter was an only until she was seven (now has five siblings!) but she was always lovely. The only children I know are immensely kind and share beautifully.

[Tortington]

i rarely see a child who shares beautifully. very sad

[Aloha]

Blu's ds does.

[alexsmum]

sorry aloha not talking about all only children, just this one.have known this kid since he was about 2 or 3 and i really think its relevant.one of my other mummy friends mentioned it too , it's not just me .

[alexsmum]

custardo, this is what i said.'thats not a kind thing to say is it, you don't say things like this to your friends do you'. ds very sensibly said he was going to leave his toys at home in future. not he toys though it's the attitude.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

Well ds2 has 2 siblings and is dreadul at sharing (and goes to nursery etc blah blah, he just finds it hard). I was an only and was quite happy to share (apparently). In fact thinking about it most of the snatchers I know come from large families, presumably because they learn to stand up for themselves in groups of kids.

Custy I never say brings out the worst either, although I have been known to say "they're a bad influence on each other".

The boy is 5 alexsmum- I don't think his attitude is all that different from most 5 year olds to be honest.

[chipkid]

genetics play a big part in influencing the ability to share IMO. Some children are by nature born leaders who want to take charge of everything and everyone and find it difficult to share/take turns etc.

[alexsmum]

chipkid that so rings a bell! that is what he is like- he's in charge all the time! which is kind of why i feel uncomfortable with the things being said. i'll just let it lie if you all think it's normal for this age..not happy about it though.
another mum actually said to me yesterday'ds is so sensible until he gets with x isn't he?'
not sure they are good for each other.

[chipkid]

alexsmum-you cannot always be there to stop your ds from being "led astray"-he will be exposed to people with strong personalities throughout his life and he needs to learn to exert some self-control and to be responsible for how he acts etc. I know he is young-but it is probably a valuable lesson for him to start to learn-think you have to just go with it for now.