Help needed - feel like a violence victim

[sydneygirl]

This is my first post on mumsnet, as I'm at my whits end. I have two DS and one DH. My eldest DS was three last month, my youngest 14 months. My recent problem is that I seem to be the target of sheer violence off the 3 year old, ranging from biting, kicking, scratching to mind games and defiance. I keep reminding myself that he's only a baby and I am firm but fair, by disciplining him the same every time (Time out in room).
He was a model Gina Ford baby, routine established very quickly and he was always the most contented child. Now he is hurting me and his brother to the point where I just end up crying. He does not however hurt my DH; DH therefore does not discipline him in the same way as me. I don't want to cry anymore and I want to feel in control again. Does anyone please have any ideas?

[mummyhill]

Can't offer any help only a cyber hug and bump for you so that someone more knowledgable will see your thread.

[Marne]

Have you tried star charts?
I hav'nt realy got any advice as my dd is only 23 months i have used time out a few times on dd and it seems to work. I hope you find a way to put a end to it soon as it must be realy getting you down, i hope someone on mn can help you.

[Twiglett]

a 3 year old is not a baby

however he is 3 and is just going through a terrible phase, that will pass even if you don't think it will .. and remember everything he isdoing is normal

I really think all you can do is a firm NO and a time out for 3 minutes consistently and make him realise why he has been put in time out before you let him out

how does he ract to time out ? where do you put him? is it a dull and boring place

[Twiglett]

how does dh discipline him and what for if I may ask?

[paolosgirl]

We have/had the same problem with our DS. The problem is so bad that we were finally referred to a child psychologist. She suggested drawing up a list of house rules with him (3 or 4 at most) which must not be broken. Anytime they are, there are immediate consequences, eg no bedtime story, no TV (or whatever he like to do).
We also use token for less serious behaviour (for which he does get a warning), which can then be converted into pocket money - although 3 years old is probably a bit young for this. You could also use a star chart, again for specific good behaviour - and the starts collected and traded for something.
I completely sympathise with you - being on the receiving end of your childs violence is not funny, and personally I still find it hard to admit to other people that this goes on in my house, as I feel that I'm being judged as a poor parent who can't control her child - and yet my DD is no problem at all. Good luck

[sydneygirl]

Twiglett - no it's not a dull and boring room, it's in his bedroom where of course all of his toys are. I was aware of this "faux pas" but to his credit he doesn't play when Time Outed, he just cries behind the door so he knows he is in trouble (I am of course holding the handle shut otherwise he'd just walk out). He says "sorry" when allowed out and gives DS2 a kiss, but it's all just baloney.

[sydneygirl]

Reading back over what I have written, I just need to add that the majority of the time he is a loving, gentle, bright and funny little boy. He just seems to lose the plot several times a day. Must go and cook dinner but would appreciate any further suggestions. Migth have to look at another Star chart - he already has one though for his potty usage. Would it be overkill??

[getbakainyourjimjams]

Might not be appropriate, but I started a thread in special needs a couple of days ago- I'm being ripped to shreds.... Lots of discussion on there of behavioural tactics- a lot of which work well on typically developing children as well.

[Blu]

Sydneygirl, sorry you are having a hard time. It is a dificult time, for defiance, etc, but since he does it with you and not DH, there might be some factor that he is reacting to.
Has he been jealous since the younger one was born? I wonder whether something like making an agreement with him that once a day he will have uninterrupted quality time with you for an hour, or half an hour, might help? When the little one is having a nap or DH can entertain him? And make sure it is uninterrupted - don't take phone calls, or do chores unless he is fully involved and 'helping'.