pros and cons of being only child

[dobbin]

My ds is now 8 months old and much loved. Over the past 4 months I have come to the conclusion I do not want any more children, not for any specific reason but I am very happy with the status quo.

Coming from a family of 5 kids I always assumed I'd have loads of my own and I cannot imagine how it would be to be an only child. I am concerned that my ds might be lonely or that he will have an unhappy childhood as a consequence.

What I would really like to ask of mumsnet is whether any 'only children' are able to reassure me that it won't harm him to be an only child and also for any suggestions about how to make sure he is well socialised, beyond having an open-house for friends to visit. I am certain of this decision for myself and my dh but would reconsider if there was evidence of it being selfish towards my ds.

Thanks in advance for any views or comments.

[skerriesmum]

I remember a few months back there were threads comparing single-child families and those with more than one child.
Basically there are all kinds of families and certainly lots of only children in the world. In favour, you could say there are so many options and activities for kids now they don't miss out so much not having a sibling. I have a friend who was older when she conceived her ds and she's fine with not having more, but then they take their son to lots of non-child-centred things and assume he will share their interests rather than work their lives around him (which can be good or not, another debate!)
Then again lots of mums on here would say that to see the love between siblings is even more amazing than the love you have for your own child. And your child won't have to deal with your (eventual) death on his own...
Will your child have cousins to play with?
Sorry for rambling, if you do a quick search you'll find threads with more eloquent points I'm sure!

[Twiglett]

but your status quo will change as your baby becomes a toddler and a child .. do not make any rash decisions now .. give it time

if you do decide to only have one child .. fair enough

[Mercy]

Hi dobbin. Although I'm not an only child, my mother is and so are a couple of dd's friends.

Going by what I know of my mum's life and from what she has told me, there are no particular advantages or disadvantages to being an only child. My mum doesn't ever mention an unhappy or lonely childhood; she had plenty of friends, neighbours and cousins to play with - and indeed still does.

My mum is resourceful, loves her own company and loves socialising too!

As for the 'socialised' aspect, I think it's the same for an only child or a sibling - toddler group, playgroup/nursery and beyond. And not everyone who has a sibling has a fun-filled existence playing happily together.

I certainly don't think it will harm your ds and neither do I think you are being selfish.

Hopefully someone with direct experience of this will be along soon.

[dobbin]

I tried to search the archives as I felt sure this would have come up before, but I was unsuccessful. If anyone can dig up a link or two that would be great.
As yet there are no cousins and there may not be - hard to believe with so many sibs.

[snowfalls]

here

[Blandmum]

I am not an only child, but my brother is a lot older than me so we didn't really share a childhood. I did have a very lonley childhood. the only people that we mixed with were my parents friends and close family and none of them had children near to my age.....most of them were 10+ years older than me.

I had a very miserable childhood, and went to school unable to act as a child, never having spent much time with them.

But on balence this was probably due to my mother's inability to seek out new friends who had kids near to me in age IYSWIM. You are obviously very clued up about the need to socialise with children, so that wouldn't be the case for your ds.

[northerner]

I am an only child and it's not such a bad fate really! Having siblings doesn't guarantee you a happy childhood you know.

It is more the parents who worry about it, not the kids. And it does not define you as an adult. Look at all the adults you know, you only know they are an only if you ask.

[collision]

My Mum was an only child and hated it! She went on to have 5 kids!

the other thing she resented as she got older was that she was the only one to look after her parents as they got older and they were quite a handful.

It is entirely a personal decision but the only children I have met have been difficult and spoilt and always looked sooooo bored when on holiday with their parents.

Having said that, as one of five, I would have loved to have been an only child!!

[Filyjonk]

I'm not an only child and I have 2 kids (and would love a third). I love to see my kids playing together, and I love big families, but...

You only have to look at the relationship threads to see how many people cannot stand their brothers and sisters, and how even more just have very little contact with them.

And I have to say I never really played with my brother. And now he just winds me up. He's only a few years younger but we are like chalk and cheese. He is 24 and lives at home, spending his money on various electronic gadgets. At his age I was married with a baby. When my parents die, I can't see him being very useful tbh. In my opinion he needs a big kick up the ar$e and in his I am a self-righteous do gooder who thinks the world should revolve around people with kids . We're both right!

I love having 2, I would not change it for anything but sometimes I do think-wow, if I had just one, life would be easier, less stressful, and in some ways (not all) better for ds (who is the oldest).

[DanceOfThePeachyPlumFairy]

I have three but both my Sisters have one each at moment. One sis would like another, but middle sister has never, ever wanted more than one (good job really, medical complications in PG meant it was a bad idea to have more anyhow).

JJ (my nephew) has a life of priveledge, he's not yet 2 but has seen many countries and will be attending private senior school (as did his Father). He gets attention, time, and objects.

Does he miss out on other kids? No, but he could do I guess if it weren't for Sis making a special effort. He actually sees a far wider range of people than my ds's. But he IS shy and I think there is a little bit of a link there, he is also very jealous- if Grandad picks up my youngest who is pretty much the same age, he will scream until he gets picked up instead.

My kids on the other hand have no shortage of company. They all know how to share (well not ds1 who has As but he's probably better than he would be otherwise) and I DO like the idea if something happened to us they'd have each other (and morbidly but I've seen this happen in DH's family, if I lost one I wouldn't be childless for ever). BUT the chances of holidays abroad are remote at the mo, time is at a premium and there are certainly advantages I would love to give them but can't afford.

So- what I am trying to say is that there are advantages and disadvantages to both set ups. A happy Mum is probably the onl;y important thing, and I DO think if you have one then you have to make an extra effort with socialization, but that's not exactly rocket science is it? Go with your heart, make the decision right for your family.

[justadad]

We chose to have 2 children (99% sure we're sticking at that) and both of us come from multiple children families. Even though DS is only 5mo and DD is 2yr 5mo they still interact nicely (I fully expect major bust-ups in the future!).
Why have more than one, well one reason is that we live a long way from family so little chance of strong bonds with cousins.
Secondly, and sorry if it sounds too clinical but I'm a bloke and a scientist (biologist) but if one dies early then there is another - call it evolutionary betting if you like.
I'll finish now and wait for the roasting from outraged M'netters!

[bobbybobbobbingalong]

I had a wobbly moment when ds started to walk at 16 months, but it passed and I had an IUD inserted when he was 2.5.

I really only want one child, I'm one of 2 and dh is one of 3.

I have no idea if it's selfish or not - but I think it would be pretty silly of me to have a child I don't want.

He's nearly 3 now and sometime I notice that he does the adult thing in a situation, rather than doing what all the children are doing. I also notice that sibling rivalry confuses him, he has no idea why 2 children would fight rather than play. But that's all I notice.

[bobbybobbobbingalong]

Oh and ds doesn't have any cousins - and they look more unlikely to happen every day! So yes when we die he will be all alone.

But I work on the theory that if you grow up knowing this you put into place alternative support networks, like friends and friends of the family.

It's not like my brother or BIL or SIL are falling over themselves to supply him with cousins to avoid being selfish.

I work with babies, so if I had a broody bone in my body I would have felt it.

[Laura032004]

My DH is an only child (as was his mother) and thought it was fantastic. His parents had lots of close friends when he was little, so he had no shortage of company, and of course, had all the advantages of being an only child.

However, when my MIL's mother was recently ill and then died, there was only my MIL (MIL and FIL are now divorced) and us to deal with it. The same will happen to us should anything happen to my MIL. Hence this is one of the main reasons that I don't want DS to be an only child.

But, my mum is one of 5. My grandma died a couple of years ago, and my grandad was quite ill and is now in a nursing home. Whilst he was still at home, one of their children shouldered 99% of the burden of looking after him. So, even though you could have lots of kids, it doesn't always work out that there willl be lots of people to support you in older age.

It's probably the early bit that is most important - having company, friends, learning to share... and I don't think you necc. need to have siblings to do this. If you are proactive about seeking out friends for him, he will probably be just as well off.

[tegan]

I am an only child and as an adult I don't mind it but i hated it when I was a child. DH has 1 sister and they are quite close. But I have found it wonderful that sil has had a baby and my dd's have a cousin be it the only one they will ever have.

[WethreelittlebabiesOfOrientAre]

I am an only child, brought up just by mum, and recall sometimes playing monopoly on my own! (Mum did play with me all the time, just hated monopoly) I did want siblings and still wish I had them sometimes, and this has influenced my decision to have as many children as I am able (one more hopefully). I expect children from larger families, particularly those who did not get on well with their siblings, may feel similarly about having smaller families, one child or even none.

Good luck with making the right decision for you.

[thecattleareALOHing]

So many threads on this on MN!
Dobbin, when ds was 8-9months old I would have been happy for him to be my only child. My life was quite easy and he was just sleeping through after a terrible start. But when he was two I had a huge reversal - and now have dd as well.
I think there is nothing at all wrong or strange about having one child, and nothing wrong or strange about only children.

[dobbin]

Thanks, everyone. You've given me loads to think about. As suggested I'll try to keep an open mind for now and see how we feel in a year or so. Reading your replies has made me less sure of my decision but that may be a good and timely thing.

[bosscatsroastingonanopenfire]

I'm an only child. I had a lovely happy childhood and have a really close relationship with both parents. I can honestly tell you when I was growing up I didn't feel lonely and didn't long for a sibling. I had lots of cousins and lots of friends. I can see how much time I lavished on my own ds1 when he was an only and when ds2 came along he seems to get the bare minimum because it is so difficult to split yourself in two. From that perspective I think only children have a great start in life. However, as I have grown older I have really missed having a sibling. When I got married I felt sad I didn't have a sister who I could ask to be my bridesmaid. Last night I saw my best friend phone her brother at midnight to wish him happy new year and I longed for someone close like that to call. I am dreading something happening to either of my parents because I will have to deal with it by myself. Being an only child places an enormous amount of responsibility on your shoulders. If you don't go home at Christmas no-one else will and your parents will be on their own. I think having a sibling or two is a gift you give to your children. You won't always be there but they will always have each other. Having said that you can't make them get on you can just hope that they do. Whatever decision you make as long as you make your child feel secure they will be fine. When I look back on my childhood I feel so lucky that I always knew I was loved and safe, if I do half as good a job with my own children then I'll be happy.

[dexter]

Dobbin,we have just one child - I started a thread on here a while back about only's! Our son is three and a half now and I guess my comments to you (from my slightly longer experience!!) are to BE TRUE TO YOURSELF and YOUR CHILD. My personal opinion is that a good 50% of second children are born to people who give it no thought at all, certainly not as much as you are giving your decision! So don't be swayed by thoughtless people who just do it because it's what you're supposed to.

There are good reasons for having two or more kids as put forward by the thoughtful sort of people on here so listen to them but make sure you listen to what your gut feeling tells you about what you want to do. I personally believe that there are huge benefits to being an only child - in receiving your parents time and attention, and in life being able to be tailored to you to a certain degree - but this kind of depends on your parents, some only children might not get the benefits if they have selfish parents!
However this is obviously not you! You have hit the nail on the head and realise that experience with other children is key. One thing I think I underestimated was the amount of socialisation that siblings do, every second of every day - so even the most socialised of onlies may be getting massively less experience of playing with other kids. I thought I'd done OK with this but I really think my son may be struggling at pre-school with this: when I am with him, he is actually ebullient and sociable, putting his cousins (siblings!) to shame and making them seem a little introverted!!!! However this at present does not seem to carry over to playing with other children when I am not there - HOWEVER, it's early days and I strongly believe he will be fine - I just want to give you a picture of how life is with an only.

As he's got older, it has been a real joy of my life to be able to study his little face as he's playing with me, or being read to or whatever - and I have really treasured the fact that I have not had to try to split myself in two as regards attention. I know I am meeting his needs, and helping him develop his full potential and I enjoy doing this 100%. It suits me and if you think you would feel too stressed by your time being split, then you probably WOULD! I think it's about knowing yourself.

Some only children posted before and somebody said something I will always remember, and that was about feeling TOO much 'in the spotlight', even as an adult. One thing I hadn't considered was the incredibly delicate balance that there is to hit, between giving your full time and attention, and making them feel smothered and like they can't do a thing without you commenting on it! I struggle with this.

One of the other things I believe passionately is that people think you're never on your own with a sibling, like when your parents die, etc. I just think this is wishful thinking. I have a brother I love like mad but on speaking about our childhoods, we experienced the SAME upbringing so very differently! And our relationships with our parents are sooo different - don't fondly imagine siblings will share everything. We are actually on our life journey alone and have to deal with things alone, when all's said and done.

So sorry to ramble but I just wanted to help if I can. Our son is gorgeous, articulate, an absolute delight and we have never regretted our decision. If you do stick with your decision, don't second guess yourself. Just be strong! Hope you enjoy it all!

[dexter]

oh and as usual forgot to add something. I never had a broody moment until my son was maybe nearer three! So you may find an urge is yet to come and surprise you! However with me it was not strong and did not outweigh all the reasons we enjoyed sticking with one, so didn't change anything. i think it's important to acknowledge these feelings if they come and to analyse what you really feel.

[dobbin]

Thanks, Dexter. I read through your thread with interest last night. It was helpful to be reminded of everyone's different experiences, regardless of sibling numbers. I had loads of sibs but lived somewhere very isolated so could socialise with sibs but was chronically shy with anyone else. I have no shyness now but that took years of conscious effort. I appreciate the trouble you went to on our behalf and will keep these posts for future reference.