Niece with nightmare parents

[cq]

I am currently enduring the visitors from hell. We live abroad, and my DH's brother, wife and child are visiting. Now I know all visitors get on your nerves after a while, but DH and I are seriously worried about the way they treat their child and just don't know how to tackle it.

Dear niece (DN) was an unplanned baby when they had both assumed they would never have children, but weren't prepared to go down the IVF route. Delighted you might think, with their little miracle. But it seems they resent everything they have had to give up for her, and expect her to behave like a model child at all times. They are constantly on her case, do this, do that, don't do that etc, or else it's 'go away and play' ie, don't bother me. DN is just 5 BTW. She is turning into a very naughty child, very wilful and sly and consequently gets more and more shouting and threats. It seems to be classic behaviour of any attention, however bad, is better than no attention.

DH and I are really feeling like we must do or say something, they are a very unhappy little family and the are heading for serious rebellion from DN when she hits the hormones. They are truly vile to her and talk about how naughty she is in front of her,which is self-fulfilling prophesy in my book.

Sorry to waffle but I'd be really grateful for any tips on how to help this poor child before it's too late. Any books I could tactfully send them? DH is not close enough to his brother to have a man-to-man chat, and SIL is not the sort of woman who listens to anyone's opinions other than her own.

HELP!!

[marialuisa]

I have a similar situation with a friend, although her son is only 3. I've found that making sympathetic comments about the child e.g. DD used to do that, it's a pain but I found this stopped her, quite helpful. As a group we also tend to really highlight the boy's behaviour when he's playing nicely, to her and him.

This sounds really miserable and i feel so sorry for that poor little girl. Is there any way you could talk about self-esteem etc in adults, perhaps work-related and twist it round to the child.

Do they actually hit her? One of the turning oints with my friend was when she smacked her ds (then only 11 months) at my house. I just said very qietly that I wasn't prepared to have my DD exposed to such behaviour in her own home. Perhaps you could say that the shouting is affecting your kids?

Sorry not much help, it's a horrible situation to witness.

[tigermoth]

cq, I assume you have children of your own - you don't mention them in your message. If I were you, I'd find it easier to talk to your SIL when you are with your children. Conversation about your own children then comes naturally, just as marialouisa says, and you can get your sil giving her opinions and draw her out a bit, from asking her what her child is enjoying on this holiday to what it feels like to be a mother. If you don't have children yourself, more difficult, but not impossible to do this. The more you know, the more you can decide if she has a problem.

If you have no children, do you think your bil and sil are being paranoid about their child's behaviour because they are staying in a child-free home? would it help to take your sil aside and say it really doesn't matter if dh does in your house, you really like children.

Another tactic - you could make lots of fuss of your DN, answer her questions, include her in conversations, play with her, offer to take her out to the park, see it she wants to help you in the kitchen etc. Also paise her when she is good, tell your sil what a lovely little girl she is. If you do this your sil and bil might soften in their approach.

But do your bil and sil treat her so badly they won't be interested in changing their approach (as your message implies). Do you think your bil and sil have deeper problems? Sorry I can't offer more insight.