Nearly 5 year old can't play on his own

[debster]

I wonder whether any Mumsnetters out there have any advice, experiences to share. My ds will be 5 in January and ever since he was able has been unable to play on his own. It seems that he just cannot think of anything to do that doesn't involve either myself or my partner interacting with him. He is fine if he has a friend over to play but if it is just us in the house he mooches around hassling anyone who is around to play games with him or asking to watch the t.v. My partner is a SAHD and spends part of each day playing with him and takes him to the park most days. However, we also have a one year old who also requires attention (as 1 year olds do). He has attended nursery since he was 15 months old and is now at school until 12pm. We wondered whether the 1:1 attention he received whilst at nursery has prevented him from being able to entertain himself but this doesn't seem to have happened with other children. We realise that having another child in the house has meant he does not receive all the attention and we have tried explaining that we cannot be with him 24 hours a day. We have to specifically say to him go and do something else for an hour while we get dinner ready, feed dd, have a cup of tea etc. However, he will still keep sidling up to us after a few minutes trying to get us to do things with him. It is getting to the point where I feel he has no imagination whatsoever which worries and saddens me. I kind of expected that once he got to a certain age he would be able to play with toys etc by himself for at least some of the day. I am at my wit's end worrying about this and our abilities as parents. Does anyone have any suggestions or is there anyone with the same problem?

[codswallop]

couldnt you do somehting in tandem with school? my nephew plays brilliant games alone - but is also very sociable and was taught to play really, by his Dad.

I think havibg the door open between two rooms is good so they dont feel excluded.


How does he play with others?

[codswallop]

sorry have just read about playing with others - well thats good isnt it?

Have you reorganised his toys recently? pout his inhis room away form the baby stuff? then he will have to go up there even if only to get them. Messy toys put kids off I think

[ScummyMummy]

Have you tried building up in baby steps? Get something out, start off by playing with him, then go and do something else- cup of tea?- for just 5-10 mins at first and come back to see what he's been up to. If 5 mins is too long try an even shorter time. If he's able to play alone for just a few minutes at first that's something to build on... Agree with coddy about getting the toys well sorted to help him out.
Please don't doubt your ability as parents. I'm sure that's nothing to do with it.

[debster]

We do keep his toys in his room but don't have them all out on display at any one time as we like to rotate them so he doesn't get bored. However, he just doesn't seem to be interested in them. All he seems to want to do is play i-spy or the "animal game" where you describe an animal and the other person guesses what it is. He loves these games as it means someone is playing with him. We don't mind playing them with him but not all the time.

[codswallop]

aaah! what about the PC?

[codswallop]

tell us what toys he has.

[codswallop]

Oh and did this start when the new baby arrived - or rather did it get worse?

[ScummyMummy]

Doesn't he like lego, beyblades or other construction toys? They're good for you helping a bit then wandering off then checking back. PC sounds like a a good idea, coddy. Would he like some of the games on sites like cbeebies, nickjr, action man or bionicle.com, d'you think, debster?

[debster]

He does want to use the computer but until now it has been so slow that it was more frustrating with it on than off IYSWIM. However, hurrah, we have just bought a new super-duper one that should mean that loading games etc will be much quicker. We have said to him that we will get him a game so hopefully this will give him something interesting to do.

Toy wise at the moment he has a box full of animals and another box of assorted bits and bibs like sword, shield, spiderman toy, light sabre thing, a box of magnetic letters and numbers, a skateboard. We usually rotate his toys around every month. So other times he might have a KNex building set, tool box, fuzzy felts. Actually reading this makes me think that maybe he could do with some more interesting toys! Also maybe we should rotate them more often like every week.

The not being able to play on his own has always been an issue but I think there has definitely been an increase since dd arrived.

He's off to his grandparents for the weekend on Friday so I think I will take him shopping on Thursday and really spoil him, take him out to lunch etc and get him sonething nice. God this sounds like I'm trying to buy him off Oh is this the right thing to do?

[Metrobaby]

Debster I can really sympthasise as my DD of 3 yrs has all loved 1 to 1 attention. It does get mentally exhausting and I used to get frustrated that I couldn't get simple tasks like cooking done. Things I found which have helped is getting her interested in pretend play. She uses her dolls house and teletubbies for this. I used to start a pretend story off for her and try and get her to lead it. She also loves drawing and colouring in, and once again I'd start colouring in with her and then gradually leave her to finish the picture of herself. She has also recently got into duplo bricks. I agree with Scummy that doing this all in baby steps and increasing the length of time is a good way to start.

[Metrobaby]

Also forgot to say I don't think its a reflection on you parental abilities. I think some children just seem to like a lot of attention and some children are prefectly happy with not as much - its just their individual personalities.

[debster]

Hi Metrobaby - I think ds being one of those children who need more 1:1 attention is what I'm most worried about! I suppose it is me being selfish in that I can't bear the thought of having to play with him (or my dd when she's older) all the time. To be perfectly honest I find children's games pretty boring. I like reading stories and doing craft/making type things but as soon as I try and get ds to carry on he loses interest. He is only interested as long as me or my partner are doing it for/with him. He doesn't do colouring in (never has done)but having said that he does like dot to dot books. Bricks he can take or leave although he has become more interested in dd's duplo and stickle bricks!

[codswallop]

hi - agree with Metrobaby about setting something up

My ds1 is an action boy like yours

he likes beyblades - really good toys Imo and quite fun fr adults too

and..knex and lego and ninja turtles

all these are out at the moment

Also what bout playmobil pirate ship ? expensive but lots to fiddle with

[codswallop]

ps as I type ds2 is nagging me to come and spectate his "rugby" in the garden....Yawn
he is 3

[codswallop]

ps lego designer is very good and suitable for you and ds to do together - good instructions and quite satisfying.

we have the bug one

[debster]

Thanks for the suggestions Codswallop. I agree with you about Knex. When ds got a Knex dinosaur thing he loved it. Once my partner put it together for him for the first time he played with it for ages. Maybe I'll go and get him some this week.

BTW what are beyblades?!

[codswallop]

e mail me uf you want to talk off line

[codswallop]

bey blades are little spinning tops - linked to a crtoon (natch) that you battle aginst each other

he would love them

[kmg1]

Definitely agree with others here that some children are just like this - they need more attention. DS1 was always very demanding of my time: at aged 2 ds2 would happily toddle out into the garden and play in his sandpit for a couple of hours at a time! DS1 was still demanding attention every 10 minutes when he was 5 ...

HOWEVER ... here comes the good news ... he doesn't do it anymore - he's grown out of it Suddenly he wants to do his own "secret" things, and generally doesn't want me involved. Sure, there are things he needs help with, and he enjoys doing 'together' things sometimes, but in the main he is quite happy to play on his own.

I can't think of any practical advice, but maybe this has given you a bit of hope for the future ...

[kmg1]

Definite overuse of ellipses there - sorry

[codswallop]

whats the latest on this?

[geraldine1969]

P likes music and has always found instruments interested (if you can stand the noise! ELC do good ones) and what about playdoh/modelling clay that keeps P amused for ages.

[mrsforgetful]

my ds1 never played with anything- just tipped things out then walked away- hated colouring,puzzles,trainsets and lego! felt just like you- only could keep him on track if i was there too-at 4 we were given a playstation and he became an addict- it was hard accepting that he could play with this for hours at a time yet couldn't sit for 5 mins playing with a 'normal' toy....and at 5 he did begin to play imaginatively....with my mop,broom and anything else he could improvise with- favourite game was to stick them all into the settee cushions and then pull them as levres and switches on his 'invention'.

Some children just don't like toys or don't play with them as we expect them to- i have 3 boys and ds2 plays intensively with his toys but also gives me a constant running commentry.Ds3 at 4.5 is following much in the footsteps as ds1 but is showing interest in trainsets and puzzles...so that's where he differs.
Ds1 still hates drawing but loves tracing and colouring in the tracings....a variation on a theme!!!

I have to be honest now... ds1 has ADHD and Asperger's syndrome (autistic) however i'm not saying that is anything to do with what you describe- as though you've said he won't play alone- my son's probs were that of not being able to concentrate/hold his attention and hyperactivity- whereas i think what you experience is a child needing someone to join in. DS1 at 5 would have rather explored the workings of a remote controled car (ie turned it upsid down and watched the wheels go round) than play as it was designed- and rather than ride his bike would again turn it upside down onto it's saddle then spin the pedals round and watch the spokes/chain etc

All i would say is that if he plays well 'elsewhere' then you must just IGNORE my descriptions of my son's behaviour- however if any of what i said rings a bell it's worth looking on the special needs threads- I hope i haven't offended you!