Bad couple of days - normal 4 y o behaviour?? (sorry a bit long)

[WedgiesMum]

DS who was 4 in May has had problems on and off for about a year with controlling his temper when he's angry and has been lashing out. Some of you know just how big he is and so will understnad how this can get a bit out of control (4 y o head 7 y o size body). I've been trying to help him learn different coping strategies, and he's really getting to grips with shouting instead of hitting. I've also recently (last 2 weeks) taken him off E Numbers, chocolate and Eggs after testing him with a homeopath friend. He's also taking a multi-vitamin and acidophilous suppliment.

He's been sleeping really well lately, but the last couple of days have been a nightmare with him emotionally. If he doesn't get his own way he screams and starts hysterical crying and yesterday I was really ashamed of how I dealt with it because I ended up screaming back at him and sending him to his room in a very bullyish way because I thought I might smack him if he didn't go. But the rest of the time he is so loving and is constantly telling me how much he loves me.

I work part time and have just recently slightly shifted my hours and now have to drop him and DD off at lunchtime on a Wed and the last few weeks have been awful. They're fine til we get there (and both love it there and have been going since they were babies) then they get really clingy and he keeps saying he wants to come with me and doesn't want to stay etc etc. It's getting so I dread going on a Wed with them and I'm coming away in tears every time. I used to be able to spend half a day a week just with him, but because of my change in hours it's not regular anymore and I have to snatch time at the weekends or when DD (who is 2) is asleep but he does get about 20 mins every day just to himself at bed time.

He starts school in January and I guess I'm worried that his behaviour will get him a 'reputation' really early on. I'm also worried that it's something I've done/not done that has made it worse. Have I caused this by the food restrictions?? (he's started complaining of tummy ache a lot and is not eating as well as usual either). Do I need to give him some regular with me time on a set day?? Is it normal or should I be more worried than I already am??

As a background issue DH is really miserable at the moment as work is really sh*y, and he brings his misery home, resulting in him not really giving me or the kids much attention and being stroppy, confrontational and withdrawing emotionally.

Please help I'm feeling really low today, we had a lovely morning building with boxes and gluing and stuff, then went to the park for an hour (with minor strop as he wanted me to fasten his shoes) and everything was fine until we got to Nursery (which he was looking forward to going to so he could show off what he had made)and then he just changed when we got there and started a major sulk because he couldn't come with me to work, and DD was wailing top note too. So have come to work wondering if it is all worth it

[WedgiesMum]

Thanks for the sympathy dinosaur - feeling very guilty ATM.

DS is usually a bit worse when he is working up to some kind of illness (and for him he can fight stuff off for weeks before he finally succumbs) and has been ill on and off for a few months now (chicken pox, colds, tonsilitis....). And they both usually settle at Nursery within about 2 minutes of me leaving (I know because I ask every time...).

[LIZS]

We have days like this with ds from time to time, he's 5.5. Nothing is right and he can be short fused and just seems to be out to wind us up. He usually is sweet tempered, helpful and fun which far outweighs the bad behaviour. However in him it can be caused by being overtired as well as going down with something. If your ds is sleeping well at the moment it may be that he is catching up. Our ds is already on half term and really needs the break.

Don't know if this applies but he had a bout of tummy pains in January which when I eventually took him to dr, as it was disturbing his sleep, was attributed to a tummy virus which had not otherwise manifested itself in sickness or diarrorhea. He was prescribed a muscle relaxant to help stop the stomach spasms and was fine a couple of days later.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

[Bozza]

Wedgiesmum I really wouldn't worry about when your DS goes to school yet. Having met him for all of one afternoon I feel sufficiently well-informed to comment. I wonder if school might actually be good for him - he seemed very intelligent and articulate to me, maybe nursery isn't really at his level any more and the challenge of school might be what he needs. Also it will be something he is doing that DD isn't. Will it work out that you have some time with him again then?

The other thing that crossed my mind is that I recall a thread - something along the line of "My 4 year old has turned into Kevin the teenager" by WWW - about boys getting a surge of testosterone at this age which can affect their moods. Maybe you could find that thread for reassurance if nothing else. Also on these lines I wonder if the situation with your DH is getting to him - maybe he's at an age where input from the male role model is of increasing importance? Only thing I can think there is to persuade your DH to take him out somewhere so that he would be forced to give him attention which he might not manage at home.

Sorry mainly waffle but HTH.

[whymummy]

hi wedgiesmum,sorry you are having a hard time,i'm sure he'll be fine at school,don't worry,i had the pleasure to share experiences with you the other day and i know you're a great mum
hugs xx

[kmg1]

Wedgiesmum - he is very young yet - learning to control strong emotions, like anger, is a difficult trick, and for some children takes longer than others. It certainly isn't anything you've done, and personally I don't believe it's food-related either - though I might be tempted to blame testosterone.

Am intrigued that he's big for his age - ds1 is VERY tall for his age, and was exactly like this, and had some problems at this age. Fortunately he didn't start school until he was 5. School were very strict with him, and made it quite clear that losing his temper (big-time) was simply not acceptable in school - this was the right approach for him. They gave him a target to not lose his temper for a month, and he would get a merit certificate in praise assembly.

Previously he was in a nursery where with a more laissez-faire approach, and this was not right for him. I wonder if you could go in to school to talk to his new teacher, and discuss how you could tackle this together - to make sure you all start off on the right foot.

I cannot begin to express to you how concerned I was about ds1 1-2 yrs ago, when he was 4-5, and losing his temper so much. But he's come on loads since then - it's partly a maturity thing, but school have been fantastic with him too.

HTH

[WedgiesMum]

Thanks for your support everyone much much much appreciated and special thanks to dinosaur and whymummy for the personal pick me up .

Feeling a bit better about things this evening having picked him up from Nursery and found that he settled really quickly and was fine this afternoon, and we had a lovely bedtime when I took the time to read him an extra story (after the two from Daddy) which I think he really appreciated.

Going to keep an eye on the tummy ache and whip him off to the docs if I think it's going on too long, there seems to be a bit of a tummy bug doing the rounds here. Also going to try and get DH to do a bit more at the weekends with DS, could be good for both of them??

kmg1 do you think it could be something to do with lots of growth hormone plus testosterone?? We had him checked to see if he had an extra Y chromosome, which he doesn't, but could growth hormone and testosterone create feelings that they are just too immature to handle?? DS is very big for his age, he's now 122cm and in age 7 clothes and I'm intrigued to find someone who has had the same experience. It's difficult only knowing children who are 'normal' sized as they tend to defer to him as they think he's older and therefore he assumes he has a god-given right to be first and in charge. Of course when he isn't then it's stress city. Thanks for the advice about starting school BTW, I hadn't thought of that it and feels like a really positive thing to do.