Three's a crowd in the playground

[flashingnose]

Bit of background: ds (yr 2) has always knocked about with 3 other boys at school but has been more friendly with one of them (boy A). Recently, one of the boys has left and this seems to have put a great strain on the friendship between the remaining three. At the moment, ds seems to be coming off worst and has gone from really loving school to feeling very miserable about it.

The problem seems to be that the "odd one out" is being very unkind to ds in the hope that ds will be the odd one out instead IYKWIM. The boy in the middle (boy A) goes along with this most days, probably for an easy life.

I really don't know how to advise ds about this, bar telling him not to realitate and to try and find some different people to play with - OTOH, why should he?? He hasn't done anything wrong .

Any wise advice gratefully received.

[CarolinaMoon]

This isn't wise advice, but think your instinct to get him to find a different bunch of mates is prob the right one. You say why should he, but he can't stay with them just to make a point can he?

[flashingnose]

No of course he can't, I just feel so on his behalf. He was new to the school at the beginning of Yr1 and it took him two terms to become friendly with these boys. The trouble is, the way the school is structured, I know he will be with these boys every year until he leaves the school. There are others in the class but he'll only be in the same class as them every other year. This system, as far as I can see, seems to encourage the children into making friends within their group, but makes things v difficult when there aren't many in that group to start with.

Trefusis, good advice, thank you. I'm doing my best to let things run their course but as you can see from above, it's in everyone's interests that the boys are friendly.

[twirlaround]

3 is a bad number & its nearly always 2 in and 1 out...

This is a very common dynamic with girls. Developing other firendships is always a good idea & you could help by asking other children round to play. Otherwise it helped my dd to show her how to set her own boundaries about what behaviour she should and should not accept from others and how to deal with it. Role plays worked very well for us.

[flashingnose]

Thank you . I suppose the bottom line is "that's life" and he's finding out the hard way.

[spidermama]

No helpful advice but I think it's great he'll talk to you like this. My kids tell me absolutely nothing about school.

[flashingnose]

He doesn't normally (comes from the "fine", "no-one", "nothing" school of information) but this is obviously playing on his mind greatly as he wants to talk about it over tea/at bedtime etc.

I suppose I'm just hoping there's something I can say that will make it all better, just like we all do....

[twirlaround]

It is horrible to be a parent when this kind of thing goes on, but over time your son will get better at dealing with this type of situation and be better socially adjusted as a result. I think it is helpful to be very supportive & understanding about the situation - but try not to take it too much to heart yourself...although that's easier said than done!

[twirlaround]

It took my DD about 6 months to get to grip with this kind of stuff when she started in reception (its pretty much de rigeur for girls to deal with from the start)

It still happens, but she deals with it much more easily now

[QueenEagle]

ds1 has been in a similar situation to this, flashingnose. He was one of a trio of really good friends and, left alone, the three of them got on great. My ds was particularly close mates with one of the boys (a friendship incidentally that has lasted since Reception class - they are now in Yr7) and it was the other boys' parents who didn't like it so they tried to interfere and make their boy the one the other one played with to the detriment of my ds. It all got very messy and ended up with those parents accusing my ds of bullying and the boy has not attended the school for about 2 terms as he is unable to cope with the pressures of playground life. In fact if the boys' parents had left well alone, I believe all would have been well.

Moral is, leave them to it, don't interfere, except to give your ds strategies to cope with the typical day to day squabbles and fall-outs that happen in the playground.

[Sonnet]

Sorry to hear of your DS's problems Flashingnose. I am having similar issues my DD1 at the moment and started a thread yesterday called "Empowerment or how to help DD handle bitchy girls". This is a bit of a thread hijack I'm afraid. I was very interested in Twirlarounds comments about role play. If you are around Twirlaround could I pick your brains??
Thanks
Sonnet

[QueenVictoria]

Sonnet - your thread was quite helpful i thought so definitely worth a look flashingnose

[twirlaround]

Sonnet role play really appeals to my daughter & is very helpful. They also use it a little at school and a variation is to use puppets which most children enjoy! At school they set up situations where a fantasy child is in trouble because they did something wrong - and they discuss how the child could have dealt with the situation differently and explore together what his/her options were.

You can explore taking on a different person's role - so if the part your child had in a situation was uncomfortable he/she can play a different role instead - so revisiting a situation is less painful. Also you get to explore the other person's POV if you take on their role. I don't know anyone else who routinely uses this with their child so it may be that it wouldn't work with all kids...but then again, maybe it would because using puppets in school seems to engage most.