my just turned 10 year old boy is driving me mad

[helenmh]

I have 2 boys one 11 and one just turned 10. my younger one can be helpful,cheerful at times. But he can be really defiant when he doesnt want to do things. He also has a habit of acting really silly, showing off when there is an audience. my older one is really placid but I find I am constantly shouting at the younger one. Any other mums of boys have any ideas

[janh]

Hi, Helen. I have a boy of 10 too - he is lovely most of the time, but gets very focussed on what he wants to do and is stubborn and angry when you try to make him do something different. He is also very sneaky about doing things he's not supposed to do, and vice versa, and also "postponing" things so that he eventually gets out of doing them - but I am getting wise to this and insisting that he does them before anything else!

He isn't a showoff though - his older brother who is 15 is much more that way inclined although he is slowly improving as he gets older.

I think a lot of this is down to personality and there isn't much you can do to change it, but keep on making him do what he has to do, however much of a fuss he makes! (And if he absolutely refuses to do something then as a consequence you can refuse to allow him to do something he does want to do.)

Bit rambling - sorry - not much help but at least you know yours isn't the only one.

[mears]

Helenmh - I know exactly how you feel but just wat till your older one turns 13 then the heat will be off son number two because you will be constantly shouting at son number one
My sons are 16, 14 and 13 today. Thankfully my 16 year old is improving but he a lazy beggar. No.2 does anything he is asked and therefore has a raw deal because he is so obliging. I tend to avoid confrontation with the other 2 which is not fair.
Now dd who will be 10 next month is another story - boys have nothing on her. Whinge is her middle name

[janh]

mears, do you have those pointless arguments over things like homework that end up with them going "yeah, whatever" and slamming doors?

[WSM]

I ahev 2 boys too, one is 10 in Nov and the other is 11. Like yours my DS2 is really helpful but REALLY shows off when he has friends or we have other guests over to the house (v often). It usually ends up wth me sending his friend/s home if they play up.

DS1 is totally different to yours, he is sulky, sullen and very awkward if you ask him to do something for you. He is offically turning into Tennager'. Don't get me wrong he is an incredibly affectionate boy and always has been but over last few months he has got worse (always been lazy but normally this sullen). I put it down to hormones and High School, which he started this year.

I have no advice really as I think it's pretty much a phase that we have to ride out. Of course you should make it clear to him that his behaviour is quite often childish and unacceptable but don't necessarily expect a 100% turnaround right away (or indeed for the next 4 or 5 years !). It's a phase that comes to us all.

WSM
xxx

[WSM]

God I'm sorry about the typos, I blame those damn pop ups that keep interrupting me mid-flow. The errors should read 'I have 2 boys' and 'He is offically turning into Kevin the Teenager'.

[twiglett]

message withdrawn

[WSM]

Thanks for the tip

[Jaybee]

helenmh - have you stolen my son?? He sounds just like mine - also just turned 10 on 2/9. He has always been fairly confident and boisterous which has often landed him in trouble as he is big for his age and tends to knock smaller kids flying. We are also suffering from the defiance at the moment - we were having terrible strops from him regarding homework and jobs and I felt I was constantly shouting and nagging at him. He has alot of things in his schedule that he does want to do so fitting in the things that he doesn't want to do often causes problems. A couple of weeks ago I drew up an A4 week timetable and we filled in the things he wanted to do. Monday football practice after school, Tuesday (cup match away at Portsmouth with his Dad) - Wednesday - free, Thursday friend round to play, etc. etc. We also marked when the deadlines were for his homework and how long he thought it would take plus the other things he had to do at home (bedroom and pet duties) and between us we agreed on a timetable for the week (this included him doing his reading in the mornings before school - the agreement was that if he wasn't up to date with his 'had to dos' then he couldn't do his 'want to dos' - if that makes sense. It does seem to be working and he is starting to realise that even though he has until Friday to do something - in reality he has only a few hours on Monday evening and a bit of time in the mornings. Re. the silly showing off side of your son's behaviour, I think that is just a sign of him gaining confidence and growing up - still bloody annoying though isn't it!!

[tigermoth]

The battle rages in our house between the have to dos and the want to dos and it can get nasty on occasion. I have a 9 year old son. I try to pick my battles and like janh, stand ny ground by threatening removal of nice things like gameboys and playing out till the have to do things like homework are done.

I think two things ignite the situation and it's got lots to do with my son's age, but not much to do with impending puberty.

On the one hand my ds is at an obsessive age. He's old enough to really get into things now - able to read well, concentrate for long periods, follow instructions, play out by himself etc. So we have crazes on pokemon, beyblades, cycling stunts, Harry Potter, skateboarding, fishing, ebay, game boy, cooking, x-box, etc etc. Each week or so, one craze comes to the fore, and it is all important and in my son's mind comes before anything else and fills his conversation. Set that against an increasingly busy school and extracurricular schedule - more homework, music practice (he's just taken up the tenor horn at school), cubs and a fossil collectors club at weekends etc and his week is much fuller than it was when he was in the infants. So he is under pressure to organise himself much more.

Partly as I result of advice on mumsnet, I have reduced his extra curricular stuff. He's stopped going to judo and swimming lessons (temporarily - he has a grommit). I feel that one activity a week after school is all he can manage if he is to fit in the have to dos in with the want to dos. It's made a big difference.

So, to add to all the good advice here helenmh, can you look at your son's routine and see if you can cut a few things out of it, so there's less pressure on his time?

[Jaybee]

I agree tigermoth, some of my kids friends have something on virtually every night of the week (I often wonder whether this is a bit of 'keeping up with the Jones' here though). My two are both pretty busy on a weekend - ds plays football Saturday morning, often watches football Saturday afternoon and plays rugby on a Sunday - dd has swimming lessons on a Saturday and is usually with us at the rugby club on a Sunday - we often sit watching ds play while dd does her reading homework. I try and keep their midweek schedules as empty as possible as they do get tired - ds does football training after school on a Monday but that is over by 4:30 but that is all he does. Dd has ballet on a Wednesday but currently has an extra exam lesson on a Tuesday too which I feel is too much for her (this is only this term so, will be back to normal after Christmas - just in time for her to start Brownies!!)

[lilibet]

This is all so familiar, my ds1 is 10 and drives to to distraction. WSM, yep - Kevin the teenager. He is stubborn, wilful, lies in order to cover up things that he is supposed to have done and hasn't, has major tantrums at being asked to do the slightest thing and getting him to do school work is a nightmare. He is violent towards his younger brother, somethimes refuses to eat as he has realised that this is now a powerful weapon in getting attention. His six year old brother is the stupid one and he at 10 is influenced by this and soemtimes acts so daft and sill he could pass for four. I dread taking them places together.

Oh and BTW, he loves cuddles and is the nicest and most gorgeous 10 year old ever known to mankind and I love him to bits!!

[janh]

Mine still blushes when caught out in his fibs - I would hate it if he could lie undetected! (Doesn't stop him fibbing though. And he'll probablky get better at brazening it out as he gets older )

tigermoth, I love the long list of your son's crazes, DS2 was a lot like that until football bit him and now it's the only thing he's interested in.

He is still having cello and piano lessons and says he wants to carry on but getting him to practise is probably our biggest head-to-head. I dread secondary school and proper homework!

(DS2 started tenor horn btw - he really wanted to play trumpet/cornet, but his mouth's too big, so the teacher suggested the horn - he did OK at it, but his heart was never in it really, and that seemed to become another casualty of the interest in football, although it was mostly that it wasn't his instrument of choice. He will be having extensive orthodontic work which meant woodwind was out too, hence the cello. Anyway I loved the horn, it makes a great noise when they get going, hope your DS keeps at it!)

[helenmh]

Hi thanks everyone for your really helpful posts. i am glad to hear that I am not the only one.It seems to be such an inbetween stage. You can find lots of advice for little kids and teenagers but little on the inbetween.Like your son Lilbet he can be lovely and affectionate. His latest thing seems to be to say things to shock. I am trying to be prepared for the older one to turn into a teenager- as at the moment he is very easy. I know things will change when hes been at secondary school for a bit. he is at the really keen stage. Thanks for all the support.
helen

[Philly]

Jaybee you really do have my son,also 10 on 2/9,also plays rugby and also has the same stubborness.Out of interest is he the oldest or the youngest in his year.
Don't get me wrong he can be fantastic company and is genuinely a kind boy and is super with ds3 but if he is in a strop life is not good .This thread is so reassuring to hear other people have the same arguments etc

[spacemonkey]

tigermoth, your post made me laugh! my ds turned 10 on 21/9 and he is just the same with his crazes (bloody pokemon/beyblades/yugioh cost me a fortune). Currently he's obsessed with wrestling. I know it sounds awful, but he makes me lose the will to live when all he will talk about is the current craze and he insists on telling me every detail of a wrestling match (and even forces me to watch him demonstrate various moves on one of his "wrestling bears" ... IT'S SO DAMN DULL! Then he gets really stroppy with me when my eyes glaze over and slams doors

DS is also a terrible show off in front of his friends and acts like a complete fool (in my eyes anyway), and he is the MOODIEST boy I have ever known ... in fact, the moodiest PERSON I have ever known.

He takes delight in winding his sister up to the point of blind rage, then hurls himself on the floor and wails as if The Rock himself had thrown him across the room, just to get his sister into trouble.

Dear oh dear, the list could go on and on. Very reassuring to know my ds isn't the only 10 yr old with these sorts of traits though!

Oh and yes, he's also a gorgeous, lovely, sweet, affectionate boy ... sometimes

[helenmh]

Spacemonkey. Your son is exactly the same age as mine. These posts are so reassuring.Helen

[Copper]

Oh yes, I recognise this boy! Though I think ours seems to have turned a bit later, at 11, while our 9 yr old ds2 is still absolutely sweet to me(though lies when it helps him) and seems younger for his age. Thank goodness, I couldnt bear two of them sulking and stropping the day away - and then being all sweetness and light an hour after he's driven me round the bend. I don't think I have ever had to deal with anybody or anything so aggravating. DS1 can actually wind himself up into a strop over nothing, you can see him do it, and I have never been able to divert it the way I could (eventually) with a tantrum. He can be gorgeous, sweet, loving etc and he can also make me want to throttle him, and as far as I can see nothing has happened in the interim. Somtimes I think he does it on purpose, to exercise his feelings ... So glad we are not alone

[codswallop]

space monkey can I send ds1 (5) to yours? he would listen to all this. He is obsessed with crazes - bey blades. pokemon etc. currently Jackie Chan..

[codswallop]

PS You are obv listening to him ...THe Rock!!!