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Behaviour/development

Agressive baby at 11months but doesn't mean it

4 replies

Corky · 17/09/2003 09:17

I have an 11month dd and am very friendly with another lady I met at NCT who also has a 11month ds. We see each other a lot so the babies know each other very well and are always pleased to see each other.

The trouble is my friends ds pulls my dd's hair and is now starting to bang toys against her head and pulls himself up holding on to her. I'm sure its all affectionate and he doesn't know what he's doing, but its starting to bother me as she gets upset obviously as the hair pulling and toy banging is painful!

He is also a lot stronger than her and takes all the toys away from her that she's playing with. She just sits there and doesn't have the strength to steal them back.

My friend does tell her ds not to do these things, but you can't keep an eye on them all the time and I get paranoid from watching his every move.

My dh is worried that it will knock her confidence if this continues and we don't want this to affect how she interacts with other children.

Anyone got any advice on what I can do as I still want to see my friend regularly.

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Blu · 17/09/2003 10:13

The good news? Round about 2 they start to just about understand the principle of not snatching and taking turns - tho it's still highly touch and go! There was a lot of this in our NCT tea group, and it gets exacerbated because different children have different levels of assertiveness (tho' they do go thru phases: in 2 months, your DD may be the one at the top of the survival chain!), and different Mums and Dads have different approaches to intervening. In the end, the best thing is to rely on distraction, not involving them in joint or shared play unless they each have an identical toy (and then only expect harmony for 10 seconds), and perhaps find some additional friends who are smaller/younger/meeker that your DD to give her a range of experiences!

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aloha · 17/09/2003 10:20

It's not aggression as such, just 'experimentation' - which doesn't make it any more comfortable for you daughter! The solution is just to watch them the whole time and step in before the hair pulling and toy banging happens, I'm afraid.
As for the toy 'stealing' I really wouldn't be upset about that. If your dd really does just sit there calmly while it happens it means she doesn't really mind - often children let stronger, more physically adept children 'steal' their toys because they want to see what they do with them - and learn from that. It's kind of an unspoken agreement they 'discuss' in baby body language. I don't worry about children taking things from my ds unless he shows signs of being upset about it. I think your friend's baby would benefit from being distracted when he's about to play with your daughter (who he thinks of as really just another object - he can't hurt a toy block by banging it so how should he hurt your daughter?). I really wouldn't worry about it affecting her interaction with other children or her confidence - this is just what children are like!

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FairyMum · 18/09/2003 07:31

Can only agree with Blu and Aloha. My ds is quite "aggressive" with other children in the way you describe and I have had to watch him all the time to avoid anyone getting hurt. He is just starting to improve now he is 2.

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Melly · 18/09/2003 14:10

Corky, as Blu and aloha have said, I wouldn't worry about your friend's ds taking the toys especially if your dd doesn't seem bothered. However, the hair pulling and banging of toys would also bother me and if you don't feel that your friend is stopping her ds from doing it, then I would gently but firmly stop him myself. I know it can be quite difficult to do with other people's children but if it is upsetting you, then don't put up with it. Maybe if you intervene when he starts this behaviour, your friend might get the message that you don't like it and make more of an effort to distract her ds. I know these things are part of a babies natural instincts and they have to learn, however there are limits which need to be set at 11 months and even younger.

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