im ashamed to say, im frightened of my dd!

[NightHowl]

im hesitant to post this as i know every couple of months i post about how my dd is driving me crazy but she is getting even worse.

the other day she had 15 full blown tantrums, including one in the doorway of a restaurant and no-one would come to seat us (cant say i blame them). we had to go. then she started biting me every time i wasnt looking at her. when shes tantruming i have to pick her up like a baby and she kicks me in the head. she also runs up behind me and her brother and hits us with things. she is, quite frankly, horrible and i hate feeling like this. i dread every day. im not really physically scared of her but my nerves are permanently on edge for fear of upsetting her iyswim?

i dont even have to DO anything to upset her. sometimes she will scream at me and shake with temper because ive offered her a drink, or some food, things she usually likes. she's hardly eating at all these days. she screams with temper when visitors leave, but strangely not when i leave a room. she screams if i happen to brush past one of her toys, or if i give her the wrong toy...there's lots but i cant think of them all right now..basically most things upset her. i think that maybe sometimes im not giving her enough attention but its impossible, im a single mum and i CANT spend every waking minute playing with her.

she's 21 months now and has always been like this...is it ever going to stop!!!??? i love her dearly but looking after her, im ashamed to say, just feels like a chore most of the time.

is there something im missing? ive tried routines, eating meals at the same time (end result of that is she doesnt eat hers, screams to be let out of the highchair and comes along poking her fingers into my food, so i offer it her and she doesnt want it). she cant talk much but understands most things, i threaten her with bed or to sit on her own and cool off for a while but she's probably too young for that to work. where am i going so wrong with her? her brother has always been so well behaved, he was a baby full of sunshine and is now a young boy just the same.

[myturntobeposh]

Hi Nighthowl (how are you??) I have not been through this, so can't give you much advice, just a bit of fellow feeling. Seems like dd is in a power-struggle with you though. Why not try the cooling off - sounds like she is very understanding for her age and perhaps she needs you to take control. It is very difficult I know, especially when I can't actually see what she is like and can't be there to know what you are going through.

[ScarySkribble]

I am not being funny and please don't take this the wrong way but have you watched any of the "nanny" programmes? They deal with many problems like this.

She will be sensing what you are feeling and she has basicly taken control. She screams and you panic. You need to take control back and start sticking to your guns. If she gets what she wants all the time she will get worse.

You said you offered her your food after she stuck her fingers in it. Don't let her dictate every thing. It will probably get worse before it gets better because she will go mad when you start to take control back but if you are consistant she will realise that her screaming doesn't work.

Say it like you mean it and say it like you expect her to stop. Firm and fair. Remember you are incharge .

[myturntobeposh]

Skribble, exactly what I was thinking. It does seem like a 'control' issue. Nighthowl - mail m'dear.

[NightHowl]

you know skribble, you made me think actually...why do i give in to her all the time? when did i start giving in to her? i never let ds get his own way like this, my mum used to tell me i was too harsh with him in fact but he turned out well.

im starting to think ive always given in to her out of guilt. i feel guilty that she doesnt have a dad, like i should make him see her (although what happened wasnt my fault and i cant, i tried, i cant force him). i feel guilty that she only has half a family and i feel like i should be nicer and nicer to her. fwiw, i dont feel like that so much now but i think i did to begin with and that i shouldnt tell her off, and that would look bad on me like i couldnt cope...ramble ramble....and maybe, ive made her like this?

[NightHowl]

and the guilt of course, that i simply dont have the time or the energy to be her companion 24/7...that she has to watch tv while i cook, do housework or whatever. i feel like i neglect her tbh.

[myturntobeposh]

Nighthowl, you haven't 'made' her like she is. But she needs you to show her some boundaries. You have perhaps over-compensated for the reasons you have stated (and that is definately not your fault) but you can deal with that. You are a wonderful, caring mother and that will win out in the end.

[ScarySkribble]

I think thats where it probably started you feel guilty and want to make it up to her but you know when you think about it you are making yours (and hers) life hell.

Nip it in the bud, be the bad mummy for a while and get tuff . You will both benefit in the long run, it can't be much fun for DS either. Limit your expeditions for a bit until you regain control at home. Think ahead to your problem times and think how you will tackle it. Don't wait until she explodes.

I had problems with DS going into rages at 6yrs, he was getting very violent and I was relying on physicaly holding him and shouting at him. I realised I had to change this as he is a big boy and I was alreading struggling to hold him. Plus me shouting made him even worse.

Just keep remembering it will get better and you will enjoy her company and going out together. I love spending time with my DD and you will be able to as well.

[NightHowl]

how and where do i start though? the food thing scares me, she's so tiny anyway she cant be losing any weight. sometimes i can put 3 different meals in front of her and no joy. as for the tantrums...i dont know, i havent a clue. ive tried ignoring for months now, it doesnt work!

silly things too, like she will climb onto the back of the sofa and i tell her to get down because she will fall (straight onto the radiator). she just stares me out. so i tell her again, she gets down a little bit, whilst staring me out. we do this about 5 times until she is off the back then i tell her "good girl" and when i turn my head she gets straight back up. so then after this happens a few times, i get fed up, go over and put her on the floor...cue tantrum!

[NightHowl]

and no, it isnt much fun for ds at all...he doesnt say much but he's very jealous of the attention she gets. i think that is why he teases her, which makes her tantrum even more, which makes me tell him off, which makes him feel worse...going round in circles here! [frazzled emoticon]

[myturntobeposh]

Don't give her 3 different meals. She is controlling you if you are doing this. If she doesn't eat the meal you give her, so be it. Don't give her snacks before the next meal because you are worried she is hungry. She has to wait until the next meal. You have to be tough. We learned this the hard way. Kids can get by on eating very, very litte if they so choose... they will eat when they are hungry. Mine go for months it seems with eating hardly anything (much to my worry and horror) and then whilst they are having a growth spurt it is like they have hollow legs!! Don't make an issue of the uneaten meals - just don't give in to her by giving her choices.

With regard to the radiator business, she is clearly testing you out. Remove her from it completely after you have told her once. Put her somewhere safe, but where she can't get to where you have told her not to go. If she goes back to the radiator when you allow her back in, remove her again until she gets the message that you are setting the rules. Really difficult I know...

[ScarySkribble]

The food is one thing where all kids like to take control and will faff about for hours. One thing to remember is she will not starve! Give her one meal only, forget introducing different things for now and stick to stuff you know she likes. Don't get up to make anything else. Eat your own meal and don't shout or plead her to eat. She needs to start to get the idea that you actually expect her to eat this food. Don't pile on the pressure as this makes eating very difficult.

On the whole you need to start ignoring the bad behaviour (unless it is dangerous) and praise and reward good behaviour. When telling her off come down to her level and get her attention, speak in a very firm voice, make her belive you mean it. At the momanet all the bad behaviour is getting your attention.

You might be ignoring the tantrums but you are probably reacting to all the requests and bad behaviour that lead up to the tantrum. Sometimes it can all get a bit to much for them and they really need to feel that Mum is in charge. Boundries are important at all ages and do reassure children.

She can and will change, most kids who play up at home are fine at nursery as they have very clear boundries for behaviour and carers will not chase them about trying to please them, the child has to fit in to nursery routine and the other kids.

[NightHowl]

yes that is so true. nursery tell me that they wish all the other children were like her. she gets stars all the time. she eats everything they give her and plays delightfully. grrrrr.

[myturntobeposh]

lol, so typical!

[NightHowl]

they look at me amazed when i tell them she's not like it at home!!

so then, a few questions:

1. when a tantrum starts what do i do? (tantrum involves throwing herself on the floor and sobbing like her heart is breaking, then kicking, screaming and shaking if i pick her up).
   
   
2. how long do i leave food in front of her before i throw it away?
   
   
3. how many chances do i give her to do as i say before i remove her from the situation?
   
   
4. where do i put her and for how long?
   
   etc etc...

[ScarySkribble]

Ther you go then she has it in her, you just have to get down to businees now .

I know my DH cringes when I go into nanny mode when telling the kids off but I just remind him that because I am strict you have lovely children .

I would recommend watching some of the programmes, lots of specific techniques and age approriate ways of punishing. "Supernanny is the best I think". I threaten my kids (jokingly that I will call in Super Nanny). All the programmes start with absolutly wild horrible children and finish with them being lovely.

[NightHowl]

wierd eh? ive always been so smug about how well i brought my son up and here i am begging for ideas about my second!!

[Chandra]

I really simpathise with you, and agree with all things that have been suggested. The less choices you give her the better and don't let her see that you are afraid of her.

We have a "naughty step" which we used consistently and very often for a couple of months every time DS threw a tantrum. In a way is not that bad, because as the area of the hall is carpeted DS had lower chances of hitting himself hard, and it has definitively helped a lot. We also got the book from the series of Super Nanny, very good advice, more thorough than what is seen in the programs, and definitively worth every penny.

[NightHowl]

there's a book too? ooh im going to get that book for definate. (even if its only to hit myself on the head with)

[ScarySkribble]

Do my best for hints.

1. Tantrums- If you are at home it might be best to leave her, some kids calm down better if they are held. Talk very firmly but calmly but don't enter in to negotiations. Just things like once you have stopped we can do ....... If you are out it might be best to lift her up and move to a quieter place and if you can look her squre in the eye and say no you can't do that. Don't issue hollow threats if you say "I will take you home" you must be prepared to do this.
   
   I'm sure others can give better advice as I don't have as much experience with the full blown lie on the floor thing DS was 6 when he did this kind of thing so was tackled a bit differently.

[ScarySkribble]

2 Food- I would put her meal down sit down to yours, once you are finished ask if she is finished and take it away then.

[Chandra]

That's so true, I realised that things are much easier since I avoid hollow threats (which includes things that I'm not prepared to do or feel lazy about doing them), he knows I mean what I say now.

[myturntobeposh]

1. Ignore. Or if she is causing danger to ds or you, remove her and put her in bedroom or somewhere else safe. It is not giving the bad behaviour attention that is important.

2. Until you have given her adequate time to eat and are clearing away. Don't make her sit for ages as it will just make you (and her) more angry. Don't make it an issue. Just explain that that is all she will have until the next mealtime. She will understand after the first few times of you being strict about this. Children are very self-serving and will not allow themselves to starve.

3. I would say no more than two warnings. The more warnings you give, the longer she knows she can push you.

4. As in 1, somewhere safe - her bedroom, the hallway etc. Leave her for a few minutes, no more as she is young. Even look in before she is due to come out, to reassure her that you are still there but to let her know that you still mean what you say and that you are in control.

I really believe that consistency is the key. You have to stick to these things for them to work. And that can be very difficult - it is easier initially to give in. But it is worth it in the long term. And she is still young which is good, because if you can nip this in the bud now it is easier than letting it go on and trying to deal with it down the line. She seems very determined - you have to be more determined.

[ScarySkribble]

1. Chances- One warning if its something obvious that she knows not to do. Then do something, move her or move the thing or what ever is appropriate.

4. I used the naughty step when I nannied. I had a very bad eater. He would sit with the food in his mouth until he gagged. I would check his mouth was empty and put him on the step in the hall. I would tell him he could come back to the table when he was ready to eat. He realised he was missing out as his little brother and I would chat away at the table.

[ScarySkribble]

You can have a naughty step, corner or mat. Whatever suits you and is away from sockets, tv's, toys or other stuff to fiddle with.

If shutting in a room they recommend 1 minute for every year they are old.

[NightHowl]

and if she gets up from the naughty place? i put her back there...does that mean her time starts again? (would be two mins if we're going by age) well 21 months near enough!