school want to see me - DS has said 5 times "I'll kill you"

[mumofthreebeauties]

My DS who has just turned 5 is the most affectionate caring little boy and is always saying he loves people. Last night he played for ages building a lego fire engine and being praised for it. He said how he loved his brother and me and daddy and went o bed happy.

This morning his teacher said she wanted to see me again (see previous thread are they epecting too much). Apparently he has said (5 times in the last few weeks)to different people "I'll kill you".

We have had his friends round to stay. They like to play pwer rangers and chase each other around fighting and killing. I know the teachers don't want to hear them talk likje that and neither do i really.

Am I right in thinking she is overreacting and is it only me she's saying this to. I'm sure he's can't be the only one. Or are they more vigilant with him because he's been a bit silly in the past.

sorry about the typos but i'm very upset about this.

mo3b

[Lonelymum]

Sounds like a great deal of fuss about nothing to me (the school, not you). Go in, have the chat, say as you did here that you don't like play talk about killing (so the school knows you are a decent, normal parent) and perhaps tell ds that he should not say that in school as it is upsetting some people, and then get on with enjoying your lovely son. He sounds lovely to me and you are clearly very proud of him. Just trust that he is not completely different in school.

[mumofthreebeauties]

Thanks LM

I am feeling very vulnerable this morning but deep down i'm sure that there are other 5 year old boys doing the same.

when his friends come round they charge around the garden saying those things so I know they all do it.

What i don't understand is why the school don't just deal with it. It must be fairly common part of boys development.

I have to say, I don't condone it in any way and if he says it at home, i tell him that's not a nice way to talk and not to do it.

[Lonelymum]

If I were you, I would ask at school if he is saying this more than other boys or behaving in a more violent/threatening/boisterous way than other boys. The answer will likely be no and then you will feel vindicated in your suspicions that they are making a fuss about nothing. Ask them why they aren't dealing with it themselves. They should be.

[Twiglett]

i think a teacher would know the difference between imaginative play and a direct threat

I certainly think you should arrange a meeting and stress how if this only happens at school there must be a reason or a trigger. You also need to know the exact circumstances

Before you go in be prepared to listen with defending, possibly the hardest thing you can do but so important. yes he's your angel but there is an issue here that needs sorting out for his best development.

Once you know the actual circumstances you can agree with school an action plan of how THEY will deal with it and also have the chance to chat to your DS knowing all the facts.

[Pinotmum]

They no doubt have a "list" of appropriate/inappropriate behaviour. She probably wants to let you know that he will be reprimanded for this sort of thing and can you discourage it at home and they'll discourage it at school - working together ... (I work in a pre-school and this is the sort of thing we do for name calling, spitting etc). If it's more than that then it's an over reaction imo.

[mumofthreebeauties]

Thankyou

I suppose I have assumed that the school will automatically do these things and only get me involved if they don't work.

They seem to be doing nothing in the way of consequences just when he does it often enough sending him to the head.

I don;t feel that'ssensible. Going to the head won;t mean anything to him if there's nothing in between.

[Saxy]

What Twiglett said is very good advice. It is very hard to hear anyone say anything about our children but listen to what they have to say and ask how they are dealing with it.

I have been in this situation, and like you was very upset. One way to look at it is that it's good that the school want to address any issue's although it must be obvious that your child really does not want to kill anyone.

Tell them that you will discourage it at home when he is play fighting. Don't take it to heart, agree a way forward with the teacher but don't lose sleep over it. I wish to God that Power Rangers was outlawed!!

[mumofthreebeauties]

I went to see his teacher.

apparently he has told other children (in 5 separate incidents) that he will kill them. In one instance when someone asked where's XXXXXXX he replied dead.

He also doesn't respond apropriately if he hurts someone by accident he'll sometimes laugh and he'll laugh if he's being told off.

They want to get the SENCo involved and the behavioural expert. They've never experienced this before.

Now I' really upset for my little boy. At home he's full of love and kisses and we don't have any problems with him (apart from his selective hearing sometimes!)

motb

[binkie]

sounds like they were incredibly insensitive with you, I am so sorry.

But - SENCO is not automatically a bad thing - they're there for all sorts of difficulties and it doesn't automatically mean a serious problem. In fact, if you get a really knowledgeable person it might be helpful and put the teachers' views in perspective.

I think it sounds as if your little boy is getting very excited at school (maybe by how many other children there are around?), and really a bit of help learning to keep calmer may be a good thing for him?

[binkie]

Oh, and laughing when he's told off can be a nerve-type reaction. Needn't at all mean he doesn't care!

[Twiglett]

has he any fascination with death beyond the power ranger fighting kind of concept?

what did school say when you told them what he was like at home?

really sounds like a school-based problem still doesn't it?

[cupcakes]

sorry to read this post as I can see how upset it is making you.
I can only comment from the other position - there is an exuberant boy in ds's class whose mum finds him to be hugely affectionate and sometimes a little boisterous. But although he is friends with my ds he can often really upset him with 'jokes' such as 'I'm going to knock your house down' etc. I don't know if the teachers are aware of this (yet) but if it continues I would hope that they would try and nip it in the bud in as constructive a way as possible. It's hard because you don't want to punish the boy for just being a boy but then I don't want my ds to suffer as a result of his sometimes unsociable and threatening behaviour.
Hope you and the school can reach an amiable conclusion.

[mumofthreebeauties]

twiglet

No he doesn't use that type of talk at home. If he does he gets told that we don't use language like that and it's not nice to use it.

I haven't heard him say thinkgs like that for a long time.