Any advice on stopping bad situations escalating?

[ScummyMummy]

Met an beloved old mate I haven't seen for ages in the road today and stopped for a chat. My children (twin boys, 6) got bored and egged each other on to say some really silly things to us, giggling foolishly all the while and not responding to my less than pleased instructions to calm down. In the end I had to stop the conversation prematurely and I felt really embarrassed that they'd behaved like that in front of my friend. So far so bad. But, on rounding the corner, I tried to tell them calmly but firmly and without going on about it how upset and cross I was at their behaviour and asked them to apologise. They couldn't or wouldn't stop laughing; every time one of them calmed down a bit the other would come out with some chioice silly phrase and they would both collapse. By the time we got home I was so upset that I've sent them both to bed. I might let them eat something later if they're very lucky.

Has anyone got any advice? I feel totally disrespected and demoralised when this happens. I can't seem to stop them egging each other on. To be fair, they're generally pretty well behaved and easy to talk and reason with and it doesn't happen that often- never at home because I just separate them- but when it does it seems to be in the most embarrassing of situations. I don't seem to be able to quell the initial problem and things escalate as I try and get them to calm down and become infuriated when they don't. Please help!

[colditz]

oh dear[smirk] sorry

I don't know at all, i only have one and he is two.

they are ganging up on you! have you tried doing a countdown of pennies they lose off their pocket money?

[GeorginaA]

God knows, but am going to be watching this thread with interest. Mine are only 4 years and 16 months - and I'm always trying to calm ds1 down when visitors are here. Is it a boy "let's try and impress everyone by being really stupid" gene?

[ScummyMummy]

Could be a silly boy thing I guess, Georgina. Colditz- I did try the pocket money thing last time this happened but not properly I suspect- they ended up without pocket money for about 3 years!

Anyone else got any thoughts?

[ScummyMummy]

bump

[Whizzz]

You could maybe try diversion tactics - get them to tell your friend what they had been doing (that works with my DS who chatters none stop unless you want him to speak to someone !)

Failing that - the good old Star Chart !

[roisin]

ScummyMummy - would it be worth posting this on the twins section? It strikes me there are parts of the situation that are peculiar to twins.

DS2 (also 6) can be extremely silly at the moment - behaving like a 3-yr-old at times, especially when he's tired. DS1 usually rises above it and doesn't join in, and we generally ignore him and leave him to it. I just can't imagine what tactic I could use if there were two of them at it, egging each other on.

Sorry that's not very helpful.

The only advice I would offer is that the most important thing is that you stay calm and in control, and don't let it get to you. And really try not to worry about what anyone else thinks: you've got 6 yr-old twins to cope with, they haven't. If they don't understand, that's tough.

[helsy]

Much as I dislike them, we now have a star chart -positive rewards for positive behaviour - dd1 is 5, and she decided what to put on it and we've had two days of relative bliss from the child who only on Friday said "you can do what you like, I don't care" when threatened with having toys/treats taken away for very bad behaviour. I'm just praying it works.
I agree, though - you probably have a problem peculiar to twins or two of similar ages in that they will wind each other up. The trouble with threats is that they are subject to inflation and rarely carried out. Can you split them up - not take both out together if it's just for shopping/messages?

[Marina]

I wondered about this being a twin thing Scummy, because believe you me ds, also the boys' age, can be a royal PITA when I am on the phone or meet people in the street. Not often, but when he's bad, we are talking sinking through the pavement crimson-faced
BUT of course as his accomplice is only 2, we can divide and rule much more effectively, and even when it is just one of us out with them we can usually argue/bark (sorry, "reason") ds back into some semblance of manners.
Did you try a debrief with them later, when they were calmer? I am sure you have thought of this, but I have found turning the tables on ds and talking through a scenario where MY behaviour might wreck his fun and embarrass him (what if I were to turn up at school assembly and tickle him in front of the WHOLE SCHOOL was a notable success) makes him at least aware WHY this behaviour is not on, and then we discuss WHAT he might do next time I meet our churchwarden at the station...
I expect ds hates the sound of my voice after these sessions, but probably not as much as I hate hearing him shrill "my wee-wee's stuck to my leg, har har har, look dsis, let me show you, YOU HAVEN'T GONE ONE OF THESE" in Waterstone's.
And if your boys don't realise how lucky they are to have such a thoughtful, reasonable and loving mum we will all write to them and say so

[ScummyMummy]

Thanks whizz and roisin and helsy and Marina. So nice to hear it isn't just mine! I shuddered with recognition and laughed out loud at your pastiche of your son's words, Marina. Why is it always at the moments you'd quite like them to be a credit, if it's all the same to them, that they really play up? I'm comforted by the thought that this might be a twin thing too. I do think it must be partly- it's that they're equally silly and know exactly how to make each other crease up and think it's really very amusing to practice that skill when Mummy is earnestly sounding off about bad behaviour or visibly cross. And I do also think you're spot on that I need to be careful to keep calm and not lose it, roisin. I think perhaps I need to address the initial behaviour from whoever first transgresses and deal only with that on an individual basis, ignoring all interjections and laughter from the other one. I might give that a go.

Anyway- thanks. Feel much better about the whole thing. And the bratlets were actually slightly apologetic yesterday when I finally deigned to feed, water and talk to them. They're clearly not used to me going nutso deluxe on them to that extent!

[roisin]

Ha! Just got home from work and read this thread again ... I was in a class of yr10s this afternoon - all boys (motor vehicle studies!), and they were winding each other up. One giggles, they all laugh, you get the picture. As I was standing there deliberately remaining calm and looking bored whilst waiting for silence I thought I'm sure I've read something about this on mumsnet recently ... just realised it was this thread Scummy! So don't worry - they'll still be at it when they're 15!

PS I felt a million dollars coming out of that class as I did stay calm, and I did make them behave,
and everyone had predicted they'd eat me alive

[ScummyMummy]

Oh well done roisin. That's an amazing achievement. Sounds like you're made for this new job. Are you enjoying it?

(ARRRRGGGHHH at the thought of them still doing this when they're 15 though!)

[dinosaur]

Scummy - my DSs really egg each other on, too, although they're not twins. And I find it very hard to de-escalate the situation before it ends in tears (usually mine - of rage!).

[ScummyMummy]

in familiarity@ rageous tears, dino.

[roisin]

I enjoyed it today! It's a very steep learning curve for me, but I feel I'm making progress in the right direction at least.

And on the bad days I just think of the holidays, and the money