mum's surname or dad's?

(60 Posts)
lovelilies Thu 26-Sep-13 23:07:02

unmarried parents.. which surname will/have you given your dc?
I honestly have no idea what to do...sad

5madthings Thu 26-Sep-13 23:10:09

Ours are double barrelled, mine-dps.

If not married I would double barrel or give yours, if you get married and change your name you can then change the child to his name later.

Of you give his name and then split up you won't be able to change it to your name,e without his permission.

Depends if you at ebothered by your child not having your name?

jellybeans Thu 26-Sep-13 23:14:34

I would keep mine and did do with DD1. We both changed to DHs when got married.I didn't want different to my child as primary carer.


Our DC have mine-DP's (flows better)
if you don't want to double barrel though I would definitely use yours for the same reasons as 5MadThings suggested.

lovelilies Thu 26-Sep-13 23:26:42

I do feel strongly about having the same name as my dc... dd1 gas my name. DP (not dd's father) really wants the baby to have his name... I've said I want us all to have the same name, and if we marry we'll change the childrens names... but he's not happy sad

slightlysoupstained Thu 26-Sep-13 23:28:13

Giving yours means you can actually re-register later if you get married and want to change surname then. For some reason, if you give the father's surname now, you are not allowed to change it on re-registering.

Giving yours is the simplest option. If you're not sure, this at least allows you the possibility of changing your mind later, to double-barrel, dad's name, or whatever!

laughingeyes2013 Thu 26-Sep-13 23:32:08

I used my name until I married the father, I was determined not to have a different surname at the school gate to our child if I didn't have to, as i knew is be the one going to all the appointments, and because you'd have to get content for a name change if you split up in the future (hopefully not obviously, but stranger things gave happened!) and who would really give their name away that easily?

laughingeyes2013 Thu 26-Sep-13 23:32:50

Consent not content! Blimmin auto text!

kiwik Thu 26-Sep-13 23:45:39

I'm married, but didn't change my name, as it would be too rhymey with DH's surname.
Our DCs have all got DH's surname, which is a pain as it actually rules out loads of names. (Ends with ley, so can't use any names ending with an e sound.)

Both, officially. We just mostly use mine on it's own though. No way I was going to give my son someone else's surname when we weren't married. Mind you I woulld never take anyone else's name if I got married. I love my unusual surname, not ever going to give it up .

17leftfeet Thu 26-Sep-13 23:52:40

My dcs have their father's surname

We have since split up

I don't regret them having his name, they are part of him and a different name won't change that

Me having a different surname makes no difference to me, they are obviously my children regardless of what they are called

TinyTear Fri 27-Sep-13 12:41:54

Both... My daughter has both our surnames not double barrelled, she has two surnames...

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Fri 27-Sep-13 17:00:27

I am married and changed my name, so we all share one.

If we hadn't, I would have double barrelled. I cannot imagine not sharing a name with my children (indeed, it was the biggest factor in changing my name when we married).

paperclipsarebetterthanstaples Fri 27-Sep-13 17:08:41

Use yours - we went with DPs - thought i was fine with that but I'm so not fine... I hate that i have a different name to my DS. I never say his full name if i can help it (i know lots of people aren't bothered and that I'm possibly being unreasonable myself but that's just how i feel op)

BabyStone Fri 27-Sep-13 17:11:23

We gave DS,DP's surname as we are engaged, intend to get married and take his name

5madthings Fri 27-Sep-13 17:15:05

Have you suggested to your partner that he changes his name to your name op? He can do it by deed poll and then have the same name as you and baby?

I would go with yours or double barrelled, its just patriarchal tradition that dictates children have their fathers surname....

Flyingbytheseatofmypullups Fri 27-Sep-13 17:21:53

Dd has Dp's name. We aren't married and if/ when we do get married I will probably not change my name. Very comfortable with her having his name.

MikeOxard Fri 27-Sep-13 17:26:56

Well he should've married you then! Like other posters said, you can always change it if/when you marry, but if you split you can't change it back. Bet you're glad you gave dd1 your surname aren't you?

MikeOxard Fri 27-Sep-13 17:27:44

Sorry, that looks MUCH more smug than intended!

FobblyWoof Fri 27-Sep-13 17:42:50

DD has my partners surname so she's got a different last name to me. It's always been my plan to double barrel my name when we get married so I'll never have exactly the same name as my children but this doesn't bother me.

I didn't feel pressured into agreeing for dd to have his name and he's offered for us all to double barrel our names when we're married but I'm fine not to. It's whatever fits in with you.

rootypig Fri 27-Sep-13 18:01:51

I am married and kept my name. (Why would you change to his name if you married?) DD has her father's name. This pisses me off tbh, but when I was pregnant he pushed so hard for her to have his, that to insist on mine would have felt like a really aggressive move (why he shouldn't have felt the same way, I don't know - well, I do, it's male entitlement and the weight of tradition, but logically no reason). Both names are a mouthful, no way we could double barrel or even feasibly give both - they just wouldn't have fit on most forms! I was disappointed in him, I have to say. I think part of the reason I gave in is because aesthetically I prefer his surname to mine, and my family (and therefore my name) has some negative connotations for me. Still pisses me off though!

A male friend recently got married and they have merged their names ie Mr Banana and Miz Apple have become Mr and Mrs Banapple. I really like that.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Fri 27-Sep-13 18:15:29

If you marry you will all change to your DP's surname - is your DD's biological dad on board with that?

I ask because a friend did this. DD had her name. Met and married DH and changed her name. DD2 & DD3 have his name. DD1's dad, despite not being in her life, will not consent to a name change. So DD1 doesn't have anyone who shares her name but her maternal grandmother (grandfather deceased). Which I think she finds tough.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Fri 27-Sep-13 18:16:41

Sorry, phrased that badly. I shouldn't have said 'biological dad' in the first sentence. I was thinking of the example of my friend I was about to give where it is very much 'biological dad' and 'dad'. Your situation could be very different with an involved co-parent and that could sound insulting. Sorry.

Sadie204 Fri 27-Sep-13 19:46:24

DD1 was born before I married DH but we were engaged at the time. Gave her his surname as she would always be his DD too even if we weren't together. Have since had 2 more DC with a 4th on the way and they all have/will have the same surname. Only thing I had to do was to change my name on DD1's registration of birth as it still had my maiden name on once we married.

Andanotherthing123 Fri 27-Sep-13 22:57:55

We married but I kept my name. DH very supportive of double barrelling our surnames for kids. Worked for us, but it is a huuuuge name and the kids might just be able to spell it by the time they're 13. At a push. We have agreed that if the kids want to drop one of the names when they're older that's fine with us too.

Quodlibet Sat 28-Sep-13 08:21:36

I was thinking along the same lines as Amanda. Surely one thing to consider is consistency for DD1 so she doesn't end up with a totally different name to the rest of the family. The easiest and fairest thing IMO would be to double-barrell the new baby. If you and DP marry in the future you can double-barrel if you want, but this way everyone still shares a name. (I'm not married and our baby will be Baby Hisname Myname when it is born). I also think the parent who pushes the child out of an oriface gets the final say on naming them.

sashh Sat 28-Sep-13 09:19:48

I think the first consideration is if wither of you have a name with the potential for embarrassment, one of my friends is name that is also used to mean 'penis', her son has his father's name just for this reason.

TalkativeJim Sat 28-Sep-13 23:51:09

As your first baby has your surname already, then DEFINITELY your name.

You are giving birth to this baby - you have as much right if not more for it to have your surname. Also, it quite simply makes more sense. I have read here several times people commenting on how silly it is really for the male surname to be the one carried down, given that in the event of a split over 90% of children end up living with their mother. If you want your baby to have your surname and that of her sister, just do it - it means that in the event of a split, you don't have a family of three with one child the odd one out. Also, this way, the siblings have an extra bond between them. Very important.

If your DP isn't happy, then there is his impetus to JOIN your family in marriage... and when you do, part of that can be all of you changing your names to a new family name. Perhaps his, perhaps yours, or more fairly a new either hyphenated or chosen name.

RoadToTuapeka Sat 28-Sep-13 23:56:57

One family I know gave the children their mother's surname and when the partners got married the husband took his wife's surname.

I am sure it is in Spain that children take the mother's surname. Why other's don't is down to convention.

Some of my DH's family were a bit funny about DS1 not having one of their side's names as a first name. Goodness he has their surname, was that not enough! Both my boys have a part of my surname (it's double barrelled) as middle names.

lovelilies Sun 29-Sep-13 09:06:22

Thank you all for your input, I definitely think this dc should have the same name as his/her sister, and mummy!
As you say, if/when we marry, we'll see but for now this dc is a little lilies grin

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Sun 29-Sep-13 21:00:57

I think if DP wants to all be the same as a family he should change his name to yours. Much more sensible than making your older daughter change hers.

Xenadog Sun 29-Sep-13 22:04:28

I like my surname (it's very anonymous) and will never change it if I ever get married. My LO will have DP's surname and it was a trade off as he got the surname and I got to choose the first name.

I have no desire to have the same surname as my child although I think I understand why some people want the family to all have the same surname or use a double barrel to create a sense of "familyness."

lovelilies Mon 30-Sep-13 14:37:19

DP won't change his name, he's a doctor and had stuff published so there's no chance he'd want to be Dr. love!

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Mon 30-Sep-13 14:39:40

He could do what thousands of women do and have a professional name and a private name.

Just sayin' like grin

Choccyhobnob Mon 30-Sep-13 15:22:40

Just from a childs point of view, my parents separated when I was 4, my brother was born when I was 7 and had my mum's new partners surname. They married a couple of years later and although now divorced my mum has kept that married surname. So I've always had a different surname from my brother and had a different surname from my mum for many years and it never bothered me or anything. May be different scenario though as my sister shares both parents and name and my dad has been in my life the whole time so was never the only one with a different name.

That was probably gobbledook wasn't it...

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Mon 30-Sep-13 15:57:02

I think it you are right that it probably feels different if you have your dad's name and love and see you dad. My friend's daughter had her mum's name, so once her mum ditched it she didn't share with either parent. sad

PLEASE PLEASE use your surname. You can change both yours and babies to his name when you get married. If hes on birth certificate why would it matter.

Im speaking feom personal experience where I am now marrying the father of my second child (and unborn one that im carrying) but my ex will not allow my dd to change her surname. She is really upset and stuck with a surname thay doesnt relate to me in anyway.

Thants Mon 30-Sep-13 18:05:32

Both your surnames or yours. If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.
I will definitely use mine and my partners surname.

motherinferior Mon 30-Sep-13 18:06:37

Yep, both or yours. What Thants said.

MERLYPUSS Mon 30-Sep-13 21:29:50

I'm married but didn't change my surname. DTs have my surname but DH's surname as a 2nd middle name. With 13 letters each it was too long to double barrel.

SkodaLabia Tue 01-Oct-13 09:50:10

DD has DP's surname, as the first name we loved doesn't work so well with mine. With hindsight, I wish we'd done the two surnames thing too, but I imagine it's a bit complicated on forms.

SoupDragon Tue 01-Oct-13 09:54:22

If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.

No it isn't degrading.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Tue 01-Oct-13 10:03:42

My DD has DP's because it meant a lot to him for her to have his surname and I really wasn't that bothered about mine. I figure that at some point we'll get married so I'll have the same name then but it really doesn't bother me.

Thants Tue 01-Oct-13 13:36:17


motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 14:17:46

I think rebranding yourself with some bloke's name is degrading...

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 14:38:06

I don't find it degrading. I changed my name because I wanted my nuclear family to share a name - me, DH and future children. We could have both double barrelled or gone for a new family name, but quite frankly I couldn't be bothered. I don't see anything degrading about that. Yes, I was lazy, but I don't think I was degraded.

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 15:03:16

Why didn't you go for yours? Why is it always women?

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 15:08:13

Because, as I said, I was lazy. I can change my name quite easily. No one fusses. There is a process. DH would have to deed poll, endlessly explain to people, deal with the ongoing hurt and upset it would have caused his (traditional, older) parents. It was just a battle I chose not to fight. I do fight plenty of others.

I never felt particularly attached to my maiden name either. I read that article and I have to say I couldn't relate to the 'your name is your identity' stuff. My surname was common and boring and there were millions. My first name OTOH is unusual and interesting and very much me. If anyone addressed me as Mrs John P I would be furious. I also liked leaving my teenage name behind and not being traceable or linkable to that person very easily.

Mind you, I married in my 20's. If I were ever to marry again, I would not change my name now. It is the name of my children and I would never part with it (even if they choose to one day). If (v v unlikely) I had children in a new relationship, I would expect that child to have my name or might possibly be convinced to double barrel.

Thurlow Tue 01-Oct-13 15:18:20

Not having married or changed your name doesn't mean you're more likely to split up. Why do some people jump to that assumption? confused

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 15:20:25

I supposed it's different for me as I have quite a distinctive name. Also I am ancient and come from the generation of 1980s feminists who were fairly appalled by the very idea of marriage.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:22:13

Mother - It is probably worth bearing in mind that I am in my mid 30s and married in my mid 20s. I also didn't have children. So I was a feminist at this point, but it was in the general sense of 'of course I'm a feminist' and of equally seeing most of the work as done (in the UK). It was that era where choice feminism was being flogged in the mainstream media and, as a middle class, well educated woman I was shamefully sheltered from a lot of realities. So yes, I made a pretty lazy decision. I think, like a lot of women my age, I mainly discovered my feminism as I got older and as having children made realise the vast inequalities still in operation in our marriages, homes and workplaces.

In many ways I don't regret it. I like us all sharing a name, and I am not sure I could have inflicted the deep hurt on the IL's it would have caused them if their DS changed his name (as I said, older and very traditional). But I do think that today I would think about it more deeply.

I do hate the thought that people would think that I couldn't be a feminist having changed my name. Or that I am somehow degraded by decisions I made though.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:23:00

Sorry, don't know where 'though' came from at the end of that. "by decisions I made."

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 16:33:26

I take your point grin. For me, the idea of subsumed into someone else's name makes me feel really quite ill. Mind you so does the idea of getting married.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:36:01

I guess the thing is I don't feel subsumed. I don't feel that I was somehow branded with DH's name. I just changed my name. You know, it happens to match the one DH already had, but I don't see 'Payne' as any more his than mine.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:37:18

If getting married makes you feel quite ill, I can see why changing your name would turn your stomach too grin

I read an article once somewhere, where the daughters got the mother's name and the sons got the father's name. Thought it was quite fair.

I didn't change my name when I got married (I cannot for the life of me, see the point) and future children will get double-barrelled with the explicit leeway to drop one or the other when they are adults.

Handbagsonnhold Tue 01-Oct-13 16:47:26

Hi op .....myself and partner are unmarried. Dd has both surnames hyphenated. My husband wanted his surname first and mine to follow but the registrar pointed out that it is actually correct to have the fathers name last.....we did we both have quite posh sounding surnames!...we gave her just one short simple Christian name. is all because I really wanted her to share my name also.....we only use the whole name on official stuff.... not day to day etc....I'm glad she has my name also.

WinteronPluto Wed 02-Oct-13 13:40:15

I am married but did not change my name. My DD has my husband's surname, as a double barrelled name seemed too long.

It doesn't bother me not having the same surname as she does, although apparently I could have problems taking her on holiday without DH unless I bring birth certificate.

Friends of mine who are not married have used both surnames but father's mother's as it followed better. She often just gets called by the mother's surname though as that is the last name that people see. I don't think it is hyphenated.

Sometimes I think I should have given DD my surname as a second middle name though.

Meglet Wed 02-Oct-13 13:45:16

XP wouldn't let me give the DC's my surname, or double barrel it sad. He was screaming abuse at me the day we went to the registry office so I had to suck it up and give them his bloody name.

They're stuck with a surname for a man they don't even know.

Fight your ground and give them your name.

ringaringarosy Thu 03-Oct-13 23:09:09

my 4 have my name and we are married,dh kept his own name,i would of been up for double barrel but he doesnt like them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now