Calling baby the same as a friend's baby. Don't know how to handle.

(44 Posts)
Uhoh2007 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:30:10

It's an old friend from college days. We meet up in a group of housemates perhaps twice a year? We all lived together for three years so were very close. We would always invite each other to big events (weddings etc) but we're not in each other's everyday lives as in she lives in a totally diff part of the country and I'd maybe text her once every 6 months or so.

Last week she had a baby Emma - i'm due shortly. I appreciate this isn't exactly the most original, but it's not really list topping at mo. Anyway, we have had the name chosen since finding out we're having a girl - but have only told a few friends. We already have a DD and I just know I'd have been quite upset (irrationally?) if the other person had gone ahead with the name with it being our PFB.

Rightly or wrongly we're going ahead with it as we've always called the baby Emma, have sorted her room with name on wall etc etc

I just don't know how to do the right thing here in terms of telling her? She's so, so lovely and I want to handle this right. Please help me!

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Sat 23-Mar-13 21:33:53

Have you spoken? Could you not say something like 'can't believe you've picked the name Emma too!! Haven't we both got good taste in names?'

I wouldn't be worried if a friend used the same name as me, quite flattering really. It's not an unusual name.

Uhoh2007 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:38:13

I text her last week but it was in reply to the birth announcement text and it's the very last thing I'd presume you'd want to hear post birth! Or be bothered with!

Was waiting for maybe dust to settle? Oh God feel so uncomfortable about it.

RubyrooUK Sat 23-Mar-13 21:38:51

Why don't you write her a card/email saying congratulations. And then put something like this:

"Congratulations on the birth of Emma! It's such wonderful news and I hope that you're feeling well and enjoying those lovely newborn days. Hopefully you're not too tired.

You have also chosen baby Emma a beautiful name. Actually, she will shortly have a namesake round our neck of the woods as that's the name we've already chosen for our upcoming [DD2]. I hope the two Emmas will share lots of exciting adventures in future - what a lovely extra link between us.

Congratulations again. Can't wait to meet baby Emma (and soon introduce you to ours when she is born). All our love, X'

Coconutty Sat 23-Mar-13 21:40:00

Wait til you feel comfortable and then say how amazing it is you are still on the same wavelength as your bump is Emma too.

You could always text a picture of the wall.. ie proof that you're not copying, it is genuinely a coincidence?

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Sat 23-Mar-13 21:42:15

I didn't use the name I wanted as I had a cousin with the same name. Used it as a middle name instead. I still regret it (a bit) and now we only see them every couple of years.
The awkwardness will only last 5 minutes. It's not like you live around the corner.
Could you make up some sentimental reason why you HAVE to use it? grin

Uhoh2007 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:42:38

Rubyroo - that's a very thoughtful and lovely way of putting it. Can you be my friend please?!

Thank you coco and natural too.

Do you think our grandmothers worried about this when every other baby was called John? grin

Send the congrats card and say 'Fab name!'

And then forget about it. I'm sure if she's as nice a friend as you say she'll not give it a thought. Unless you've started dressing like her...

Honestly, it the grand scheme of things, it matters not.

mum47 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:48:48

Just be honest about it - pick your moment yes, but just say it like it is in your post, in the nicest way and having regard to pregnancy hormones smile. You have always called your bump Emma and you still want to use the name.

There is no point in complicating things, that's when they start to backfire. What Rubroo suggests is nice but I would be saying it to her face to face and not in a card, so there is no room for misunderstanding. If she is a true friend, she will be fine.

Congrats on your impending Emma btw!

Uhoh2007 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:49:42

That's the thing Natural - that's just her name! And we couldn't think of calling the baby anything different. We'd so regret changing it now. However I can remember just how proud I was when announcing DD1s name and think I would have been a bit upset if the situation was reversed. But I'm not sure. Perhaps more so if it was a best friend from home?

I know Itchy. However after having my PFB I didn't think this way. I'm (thankfully) a bit older and wiser and knackered

StoicButStressed Sun 24-Mar-13 01:40:59

OP - for what it's worth....

When preggers with one of my DS's, he was DEF going to be a 'Seb'. About 2 weeks before he was born, one of the couples from da NCT group had a boy and named him.... yes, Seb. So (other than now using Seb as his 'name' on say, MN, instead of his real name), he did NOT become Seb as he HAD been up until that point.

And whilst I - and more importantly HEsmile - love his name, it does still rankle a bit if reminded of fact that HAD a name for him; dumped it for ALL the wrong reasons; and that COULD - and probably SHOULD - have just used the bloody name we had for him!

On that note, may I wish you huge congratulations on the imminent arrival of your gorg DD EMMA smile

MadamGazelleIsMyMum Sun 24-Mar-13 09:26:54

OP, tough one, and I know why you are worrying about it as I would too. However, Rubyroo has it perfectly. Do that, and enjoy your DD.

mayanna123 Sun 24-Mar-13 10:13:07

I'd choose another name. There are thousands of names out there and wouldn't it be great for both girls to have their own identifiable names? Is there really no other name you love?

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 24-Mar-13 10:34:14

I did actually copy someone elses name in school - we are not close and our dcs are 8 years apart byt it is an unusual name which we blatantly copied. I did approach the mum before and she brushed it off with a laugh. we went ahead anyway. I love the name and we rarely come in to contact wiyh the other child / mother. but when we do, it is a little bit cringey to be honest. However, no regrets. I would imagine you will feel the same. She will always think you copied whatever. Do you like Emily?

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 24-Mar-13 10:35:46

I did actually copy someone elses name in school - we are not close and our dcs are 8 years apart byt it is an unusual name which we blatantly copied. I did approach the mum before and she brushed it off with a laugh. we went ahead anyway. I love the name and we rarely come in to contact wiyh the other child / mother. but when we do, it is a little bit cringey to be honest. However, no regrets. I would imagine you will feel the same. She will always think you copied whatever. Do you like Emily?

LeChatRouge Sun 24-Mar-13 10:43:06

My friend had a baby two weeks after me and chose the same name. Quite an unusual one, they were the only two in their year with it.

I was not in the slightest bit bothered, I just said to her 'Don't we have excellent taste!'. Just use it, don't feel anything but happy.

Uhoh2007 Sun 24-Mar-13 11:22:24

Mayanna and Ohhelpo - we just can't use another. Emma is just the name and has been since we found out it was a girl. We've been very excited about it and i know i'd so regret changing it. Totally understand what you're saying but it's just not getting changed. If it had have been best mate round the corner then perhaps we would choose another? Daily contact with another Emma of the same age might have been oddish. But although a good friend we're just not involved day to day or even week to week (or month to month really).

I just need to know the best way of dealing with it. I'm going to take Ruby's suggestion and send a lovely card and present - and a nice note about the names being the same.

Perhaps the sonographer has got it wrong an a boy pops out!!! I'm thinking that would be the ideal situation now smile.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 24-Mar-13 11:51:45

poor you. just get it over with. the sooner the better. tell her in the same way you have explained it to us.

Yfronts Sun 24-Mar-13 23:08:56

Just email her if you prefer. Congratulate her on her baby and mention that great minds think alike and she must take this as a compliment. You decided on Emma too x many months ago and can you believe you already have a name plack on her wall ready!

MidnightMasquerader Sun 24-Mar-13 23:47:24

Anybody who chooses a popular name has to be realistic about the fact that other people, even in their own circle, may choose the name.

If it was a more unusual name, then it'd be more of an issue, but not with Emma. smile

ravenAK Mon 25-Mar-13 00:00:09

Equally, from the other side of this, when dd2 was born an old friend of mine, pregnant at the time, texted congratulations with a jokey 'You bugger, you've nicked our name!'.

I definitely hadn't - hadn't seen this particular mate for a year & we had never discussed baby names.

She subsequently named her dd something different, & I've always hoped she didn't ditch her first choice because of us; it really wouldn't have mattered if our dds had shared a name & I'd hate to think we spoiled it for her. In fact, another friend liked the name so much she shamelessly copied it for her dd a year later. That's fine too.

If your friend is a good mate she won't mind at all, surely. Rubyroo's text is a good one.

Astley Mon 25-Mar-13 13:27:20

Please don't liaten to the advice to fill her congratulations card with a load of stuff about what you will call your DD shock

That is just ridiculous. Use the name, but come on, on her congratulations card?!

Uhoh2007 Mon 25-Mar-13 13:39:54

What do you reckon Astley? I know what you mean - she's just had her first baby!!!! It's not about me - but equally do I just spring it on them when we announce?

Astley Mon 25-Mar-13 13:46:08

Just mention in casually over the next few weeks. Don't make a big song and dance when she has just had a baby about what you will call yours!

I wouldn't mind someone using the name, but I would mind getting a card that had a massive section of, frankly BS, about 'the special bond' our children would have now you were going to use the same name. Let her have her time in the sun.

rainbunnieseatingalltheeggs Mon 25-Mar-13 14:09:18

I wouldn say anything imagine telling her you are calling dd Emma and it doesnt even suit her.
My sil robbed my name i had for ds3 she even took the middle name but you know what im glad she did as i dont even like it now.

ElegantSufficiency Mon 25-Mar-13 14:11:47

Id pick another name. my couisin called his dd lydia when i was pg. ok. back to the drawing board. he doesnt know id settled on lydia.

ElegantSufficiency Mon 25-Mar-13 14:16:39

I agree with astley . dont send a sacchirine text paving the way for something that is about you/ your child. cobgratulate her on her baby.

RubyrooUK Mon 25-Mar-13 16:24:05

I guess the thing is only you know your own friend and what would work for her.

Personally I'd find it nice if someone mentioned them calling their child the same name as mine in a card, but then it really wouldn't bother me at all if someone used the same name as me anyway. I have two friends who both called their sons the same name and it has become a link that means they joke a lot about the "two Xs". Which is why I suggested it.

But if like other people on here, you think that's making too big a deal of it, there is no need. You probably know your friend best.

Lovethesea Mon 25-Mar-13 20:41:56

I have old school friends I see and contact about the same as you with your friends. It wouldn't bother me at all if they called their children the same as mine and I really don't think they would be bothered either. We just don't move in the same day to day circles.

Don't change it, she'll be fine. Give it a few weeks and the last thing she will be worrying about is someone else's baby.

Teaandflapjacks Tue 26-Mar-13 00:42:22

I think with a name like Emma it would be fine to go ahead and use it - but check about middle names - to ensure now clashes there.! I would call her and see how she is getting on, and then just talk to her about it - say you have used the name all the way through etc and you would be gutted to change it now - that it is a nice link for you guys. I personally think talking to someone it better than a card but that is just my way.

I have been on the other side though - a fair few years ago a 'friend', who was soon to get married (I was a singleton then) asked us what we had in our heads for girls and boys names, if any for our future kids - down the road. I said the name I had always longed for - and had always pictured - first and middle name, they went very nicely together. They are unusual enough to stand out, but not weird etc - traditional. She said at the the time, oh that is beautiful etc - I wish I had thought of those together. Well..... a couple of years later, she popped out her girl - and used both names - and never once was mentioned to me! I was furious. I think if she had said something to me I would have felt better about it, but she didn't. Humph!

Teaandflapjacks Tue 26-Mar-13 00:43:05

Sorry for my terrible spelling! Must locate glasses!!

siluria Tue 26-Mar-13 09:43:42

I think, for now, just congratulate her wholeheartedly on her baby smile

When yours is born, don't send her the standard 'Baby Emma was born at x weighing x' text most people send to everybody in their address book - send her another text announcing your baby and saying you'd been calling your bump Emma for months when she had her DD, and what a coincidence you've both chosen the same (gorgeous) name. Great minds think alike, and all that.

As others have said, if she's a true friend (which it sounds like she is), she won't mind a bit - people often name their babies long before they're born, so yours is already Emma just as hers is. It's just a coincidence, and not a wholly unsurprising one given that the name is a genuine classic.

Congratulations OP!

Uhoh2007 Tue 26-Mar-13 13:25:55

Siluria - funnily enough that's exactly what I intend on doing!! Also weaving in about it being a nice link for the girls as I think it will be :-) Ruby's suggestion.

I am about to send off a present and card - is it weird to avoid all reference?

I'm now secretly hoping they've got things wrong and it's a boy!!

Uhoh2007 Tue 26-Mar-13 13:28:32

Maybe a line in the card saying 'fantastic taste in names too ;-)'? And leave the rest until I send out the announcement texts?

Bue Tue 26-Mar-13 13:53:02

Emma was the 49th most popular girls' name last year (I just looked it up) so these things are bound to happen. Just email her telling her she has great taste in names, that you have already chosen that name too for your DD. This is not a big deal!

Biscuitsneeded Tue 26-Mar-13 20:39:23

I too am still friends, many, many many years down the line, with my university gang. When we texted to announce the arrival of our DS 2, who is Theo, my (male) friend texted back with "You cheeky bugger, you've used our name " - they had a son 6 weeks later and did indeed name him Theo, and I specifically encouraged them to do so as it's a great name. I don't have a problem with that at all. We decided independently on a name and as we all have good taste we happened to choose the same one. 4 years later another friend from the same group called her first child William - that's my Ds1's name. I don't own the name and it's pretty common so I have no reason to feel aggrieved. It's just nice to know that other people share my taste!
I agree that you maybe shouldn't make an issue of it all now. When your Emma is born just send a text just for them that says 'great minds' etc. The fact that you don't even live nearby means they couldn't possibly be bothered unless they are very petty people...

Uhoh2007 Tue 26-Mar-13 21:05:47

That's really helped. Thanks Biscuits. We did tell people our choice early on as have lots of pregnant friends at mo - just unfortunately not her!! Damn it!

I'm sending off the card tomorrow and I think I'm settled on a quick, jokey PS great taste in names (obviously not making the birth of her PFB about me!!!). I remember it all too well!!

I actually think the sending out a mass text, then one specific to her (and leaving reference off the congrats card) may be best bet - but selfishly I don't want DD to pop out and have to still be worrying about this if that makes sense? Just want to enjoy it. Is that awful?

It's not a big thing I don't think (perhaps cos I'm not having PFB but DD2). I think it would have been panic stations if it was a best mate from home? Or am I just trying to justify this?! We're really not 'in' each other's lives, although it may be weird when we do all meet up with the kids. I'll feel tres unoriginal!

Coconutty Tue 26-Mar-13 21:56:09

Stop overthinking it!

It will be fine, two Emma's is not a biggie, honestly.

Uhoh2007 Wed 27-Mar-13 08:36:55

smile

MERLYPUSS Wed 27-Mar-13 10:03:58

Wait til you've given birth and if you still like Emma, and it suits her, go for it. (I really like the card idea too but if you are not due for a while I would put something along thr lines of... Emma is the name we have had lined up for ages so we obviously both have great taste. So subject to a last minute post birth change of mind ther will be two lovely Emmas)

Uhoh2007 Wed 27-Mar-13 10:23:46

Thanks Merly - considering I've started getting labour pains it mightn't be too long! grin

I'm sending off the card today - just going to be matter of fact. Fab choice of name and she'll have an Emma here to play with.

I'm now thinking it's silly to over complicate.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Wed 27-Mar-13 14:11:36

Ooo, good luck x

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Wed 27-Mar-13 14:12:29

Quick, post the card on the way to the hospital! grin

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