is anyone else reluctant to use (say) there babys name?

(47 Posts)
mumsywoo78 Sat 16-Mar-13 00:28:19

you may have seen previous threads of mine on here all about my baby name anxiety as i like to call it. well iv had a bad few days over this yet again.my boy noah is almost 6mths old now & i never feel comfortable saying his name iv also began 2 hate the way it sounds when i do say it. i mainly call him by various nns such as gorgous boy,big lad etc. or sometimes no-no for short but obviously none of these can stick to adult hood! using his mn doesnt feel right either. his name is now begining to suit him aswell so i thought my anxiety over his name wouldve started to lift but sadly not. any one else goin or been through this did it ever leave you? please be kind. & can anyone offer any advice?

Froggy2013 Sat 16-Mar-13 00:33:33

Why don't you like saying his name? You say it suits him but do you dislike the name itself - or just saying it out loud?

My son is 3 & if I'm perfectly honest I'm still not comfortable with his name. It still doesn't feel right, but he is growing into it. I was never happy with the choice. Sorry, know that probably doesn't help. Is there another name you like? Could you give him an extra middle name? That's my plan for my son.

ladymia Sat 16-Mar-13 00:36:47

No but I have a friend that is going through this. if you had not said the name I would have actually thought you were her! She can't bring herself to say his name and it took her 6 weeks before registering him. He is now 6 months old.

How does your husband feel about the name? Could you change it?

You probably started off on the wrong footing with the name and it's now difficult to get used to it.

My friend has decided to change the name as she loves her son but has issues communicating with him due to this naming issue. I think it's a good idea to do it now before he gets older.

It's my due date tomorrow and we have two names lined up but haven't 100% decided on a name we love and this happening to me is my biggest fear.

mumsywoo78 Sat 16-Mar-13 00:50:36

i loved his name before&during my pregnancy & thought it would be perfect but for some reason its not. iv also thought of maybe adding another name but cant imagine suddenly using another name now i think that would also seem not rite. i do often obsess though over other names i couldve named him. i also have an older dd & she loves his name. i hope im still not goin through this in 3 years time poor pickledparsnip how have u coped?

Froggy2013 Sat 16-Mar-13 00:52:32

Personally I would change it now if you're worried, you will get used to using a different name, he's still young.

mumsywoo78 Sat 16-Mar-13 01:03:29

ladymia has your friend chose another name that she knows she'll be 100% happy with & has she already began to use it? i havnt got another name i know i would be 100% happy with.changing name at 6mnths seems such a taboo thing to do. i hope all goes well 4u x

Mine are 5 and 2 and I still sometimes feel their names are a bit made -up if you know what I mean - but honestly, as their personalities grow, they are growing into their names and it feels less odd. So don't stress if it takes time. Btw I like the name!

ladymia Sat 16-Mar-13 01:16:53

No they decided this a couple of weeks ago and they think they have a name they now like. she is going to try calling him that for a few weeks and then change it, if it suits him and she is more comfortable with it.

Ask yourself what you are more comfortable with

1) using noah for the rest of his life
2) picking another name you do actually like, try calling him that if it fits then change it

mumsywoo78 Sat 16-Mar-13 01:18:07

thanx fromhere i hope it gets easier 4 me too.

mumsywoo78 Sat 16-Mar-13 01:29:14

ladymia il be intrested to know how your friend gets on does she come on MN? i wish her well &i hope she feels happy with her new choice because this is an awfull thing to suffer from & it does kinda affect your relationship with the baby&takes some of the enjoyment of your baby away. i often wonder if i have felt this way no matter what name id have gone with??

nooka Sat 16-Mar-13 02:36:24

How are you finding motherhood in general? I was wondering if you were maybe generally finding it difficult to adjust and somehow it's the name thing that's caught your focus?

When my dd was born we got a bit stuck on her name for a while, partly because we were very surprised to have a girl (we were convinced she'd be a boy) but mostly I think because her birth was quite emotionally traumatic.

mumsywoo I hope you're not feeling this way in 3 years time too. It has got easier over time, but I am still unhappy about it & will always call him one of nicknames over his first name. I get serious name envy all the time. I should have changed his name within the first year, but due to lots of reasons I didn't. I plan on giving him another middle name of my choosing.

Agree with Nooka. How are you feeling?

I became quite obsessive over my son's name in the first year because in hindsight I had terrible pnd. It was one of the things I obsessed over.

I am not suggesting that you have pnd & don't like it when people immediately assume you have if something is a bit wrong, but sometimes these things are related.

TinkBelle Sat 16-Mar-13 09:15:54

I had a friend who changed her dd's name at six months old as she didn't like it, her dd is now 14 years old, no harm came to her from a name change and I couldn't even tell you what the original name was. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but living with a daily anxiety is not healthy for any of you.

Oh mumsywoo I know exactly what you mean about taking some of the enjoyment of you baby away. I felt exactly the same. Wish I could give you a hug.

My son's name is incredibly popular, I hate how popular it is. I wanted something a bit more original. I try to put things into persepctive. How important really is a name? Personality makes a person, not a name. I've been thinking about my friendship group & everyones names, & I never really take much notice of anyone's names over a certain age. It certainly doesn't make me think a certain thing/way about someone. I only ever notice if someone has a very unusual name.

If you want to go with Noah then start saying it, I think that will help. If there is another name you like then go for that. It is definitely not too late.

Be kind to yourself.

mumsywoo78 Sat 16-Mar-13 12:21:52

pickled i go through times when im "happier" with his name & then times when sadly not like this week but im not as bad as i was 3mnths ago id constantly obsess over it.maybe it is a symptom of pnd i did go docs over this and were given "happy pills". i have an older child aswell &iv always really enjoyed motherhood.who knows why this happens but through coming on here&reading other peoples storys it does seem quite common&made me feel im not alone.

sparklechops Sun 17-Mar-13 18:25:48

Hi mumsywoo. We have spoken on other threads about this. Really sorry to hear you are still struggling with this.

I've had a similar thing with my daughter's name. I was completely obsessing over it, felt I had failed my daughter by choosing the wrong name. All very unexpected and strange.

Dr told me I have anxiety. The name has become a focus of this.

Could this apply to your situation? For what it is worth, I think you have chosen a beautiful name for your son.

But I doubt that other people can convince you, if you feel anything like me.

sparklechops Sun 17-Mar-13 18:27:31

Sorry, just seen you have been to the dr already. Could you go back and have another chat?

mumsywoo78 Mon 18-Mar-13 15:11:52

hi sparklechops i was wondering how u were getin on hope things have become easier 4u. the last time we spoke u gave me some clues 2 yur dds name does it begin with M if yes i have guessed the name u have given her & its a great name infact i know some1 with that name its lovely but like uve said no 1 can convince u of it. do u struggle using her name like me? i to think its just an anxiety thing rather than pnd have u been given any treatment 4 it &if yes do u find its helping? this is also very unexpect & strange 4 me. i hope ur feeling much better x

sparklechops Mon 18-Mar-13 19:38:02

Hi mumsywoo...thanks for saying that. In my heart, I think I know the name is fine. But it is a weird obsession of mine. Not sure how it started. But it seems to be rooted in a fear of failing my daughter in some way.

Ok, cod psychology over! I have been having therapy for the anxiety. Think it is helping a bit.

I hope all this goes away soon. She is one now so I have accepted I can't change her name.

How about you? Is there a name you prefer? Do you have a DP? What do they think?

sparklechops Mon 18-Mar-13 19:40:42

And yes I do struggle to use it and have loads of random nicknames!

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Mon 18-Mar-13 19:47:40

Could I ask you to please stop with the text speak - people with reading equipment can't read the posts (we have several members who do this) and it's just not necessary.

It's easy to change a baby's name in the first year - after that it's more difficult.

I know it feels wrong to do it and you'll probably get a few hmm <mostly from family grin BUT if you are certain it's the name and not a symptom of depression then you should change it. Find a name you think you'll love and try it out for a few weeks (probably best to do it when you are alone or with strangers - not friends and family until you are sure!).

Lots of people on MN have changed their children's names over the years - it's really, really not the worst thing in the world to do smile

mumsywoo78 Mon 18-Mar-13 20:59:39

sparklechops i know deep down that iv given my boy a good name too but just like u it doesnt stop the obsessing over it.i hear loads of random names and for a few days il obsess &think why didnt i call him that then a few days later i realise that i dont like the name iv heard anyway! im also obsessed with what people have named there babys il stop new mums in supermarkets &ask what theyve named their new baby boy& if its a name i quite like il obsess again for a few days! sounds crazy i know. my dp is fine with his name mainly calls him no-no though. my dd loves his name. is your dp or hubby fine with your girls lovely name. i can also relate to what u said about the fear of failing your child.

sparklechops Mon 18-Mar-13 22:36:35

Yes, I do that too, mumsywoo! The obsessing over other names, I mean. And I haunt the baby names board torturing myself. But then I look at her and think, 'No, that's not it either!'

My DH loves our daughter's name. Every time we talk about it I end up in tears. It is very painful for me to talk about in real life. Noone else seems to understand. The worst thing is that it feels so trivial. You know, my baby is happy and healthy and I know how lucky I am.

Yet I feel like this.

mumsywoo78 Tue 19-Mar-13 00:07:36

sparklechops i torture myself too by coming on these name sites but sometimes i find it helpful when i speak to ppl like u who r going through the same thing as i feel ur the only one that understands. some ppl just say well just change your babys name then if its bothering u so much but they dont understand what were goin through.its not as simple as that & if we did change names it wouldnt solve anything im sure u know what i mean. my dp is great to talk to but i dont really think he understands he just thinks iv got pnd &this name thingy is a part of that. theres a programme on bbc3 tommorrow night about pnd about 9pm will be intresting i think il watch it . is your dd your only child ? luckily i have a dd aswell i never went through this at all with her so this is a shock but i would never consider having another child after goin through this. oh to cheer u up iv just seen that funny iru bru advert when they name the baby fanny! u c it could be worse. smile

ladymia Tue 19-Mar-13 00:23:18

If you are sure it's not the name and changing it won't help (it doesn't sound like it is) just carry on using the nicknames until you are comfortable with the name? I can not think of my dad ever really actually calling me by my actual name he has about 3 nicknames that he uses interchangeably for me and I don't think that's because he had issues with my name it's just something he's always done, i actually think it's quite nice that he does.

It never actually occurred to me that my dad hardly says my name, until i just thought about it now after reading about the nn's

stillunwritten Wed 27-Mar-13 08:16:27

Hi there I am just wondering if any of you can help me. I had all the feelings you describe about my sons name and it turned into full blown anxiety when he was a few months old. I became completely obsessed with wanting to change his name but dp wouldn't let me. In hindsight I no longer even like the name I wanted to change it to and have learnt to live with a shortened version of his name. However this took me a long time to come to terms with and made my sons early life a very painful time for me.

My problem is this: I now have a new baby daughter. She is almost three weeks old and still unamed. I am finding it literally impossible to name her despite intense pressure to make this decision. I terrified of going through the same kind of regret as I did with my sons name. I have a list of about ten names and what happens is I think I have found one I could live with and I call her that in my head for a day or so before I decide its not right and completely change my mind and am back to square one. Dp has had enough. She has to be registered by mid next week ( extended time due to Easter weekend).

This is killing me and no one in rl understands. Every day I pray I will find the name that feels right but starting to realise nothing probably will so i just have to pick something for the sake of naming her and learn to live with it again. It's probably hard to understand his difficult it is to have your baby unnamed after 3 weeks but you would not believe people's reactions to this.

Sorry to go on just have no outlet for this in rl and am hoping at least you guys might understand.

KittyLilith Wed 27-Mar-13 09:25:53

Hi I felt the same about DS2's name. It took me ages to get used to associating his name with him. He's 7 now and I have no problems but I couldn't put a definite point on when that happened.

stillunwritten I'm sorry you're feeling like that.

What does DS call her? When I dither about DS2's name (which suits him but is objectively a bit meh) I hear DS1 saying it and it makes sense IYSWIM and I am more content.

I think people can get too hung up about names. They don't define a person; they're just a useful label to distinguish between people.

Do you have a current shortlist thread? Asking for kind, constructive comments might help you feel more secure about one of them.

mumsywoo78 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:40:15

hi stillunwritten im so sorry ur goin through this too. i totally understand what ur goin through it is horrible i still have the anxiety over my ds name but it is getting easier but i do wonder if it'll ever go away. ive just noticed its about 3 weeks ago that u posted on here so i hope in that time uve found a name for her that u feel content with. i find u have to have suffered from this to totally understand it. how old is your ds if u dont mind me asking & r u feeling better about his name now? i hope ur feeling better.

MummyBurrows Fri 19-Apr-13 00:07:05

I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be but...I suffered really bad anxiety after I had my DD,I didn't obsess over her name or anything like that,I was perfectly happy with it but I felt strange saying it out loud or even in my head for a very long time so constantly called her by a nickname frm the day she was born! My anxiety problem was being away from her,I couldn't stand the thought of it,it would make me feel physically sick and start shaking. And I would b constantly on my mobile asking my DH (who was the only person I'd trust to look after her) how she was,I got soo bad I even had to quit my job,despite having returned after maternity leave to 10hrs a week,because I was making myself so physically ill at the thought of leaving her where I was at the point that I was off work more times than I was there! And may I add that this all happened AFTER having therapy that really didn't work me for me,so much so that I couldn't even bring myself to complete to course!

I guess my point is that if ur suffering from anxiety it will take over ur life,and ur obsession with ur childs name seems to b in that category. PND is usually more about feeling down and useless (I'm aware there's much more to it than that before anyone kicks off) than having a serious "taking over my life" obsession. I thought I had PND but my gp said that was clearly not my problem and that anxiety was because of my obsession with having to be with my DD 24/7 and essentially panicing about her everytime I wasn't with her. Perhaps its worth going back to ur gp and suggesting it,there are various different types of therapy available and it may work for u. Of course changing ur DSs name could also help but surely its best to explore all avenues regarding ur obsession/problem first as there's no gaurantee that changing the name will solve the problem?xx

FaerieQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 13:02:30

I can totally relate to a lot of what has been said here. I honestly hate my ds's name. I regretted choosing the name within weeks of his birth being registered but my dh refused to talk about changing it. He said I was just being stupid. The thing is that I know it is bit just me who dislikes the name. No one has ever said to us that it is a nice name, ever. And family reacted either badly, at worst, or without saying a single thing about it, at best. I don't know why we chose it now. I didn't know what to call him after he was born and I was traumatised from a difficult birth and felt pressurised to pick something. Let dh who is a bit impulsive push me into going with this name and I've regretted it ever since. In order to cope with it, I ended up buying him loads of monogrammed things for his room such as name pictures, personalised blanket etc but I still wish everyday - and I mean everyday - that I had chosen something else. I used to be indifferent about his name but now I loathe it. It's a huge regret and I don't know how to get over it. Mostly I'm upset because I feel guilty, like I have saddled the child with a crap name that will only cause him problems. I cringe everytime i have to call him in public or introduce him to soneone. He's approaching 2 but I would change it in the morning if I could get dh to agree.

FaerieQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 13:03:35

Not just me who hates it....

Bloody autocorrect

FaerieQueen Fri 19-Apr-13 13:06:58

Should add that I've also seen the name slated on Mumsnet which doesn't help...

randomtask Fri 19-Apr-13 13:19:26

From a slightly different point of view, I married DH when DSS was 7 & really dislike his name-never met anyone else with it (old biblical name), wherever he goes people get his name wrong & think it is something else & depending on the name book you read it can have a rubbish meaning. DH's first wife chose it, DH agreed but made sure he had a normal middle name so could swap later on. DSS (now legally DS1) goes from hating it to liking it for being unusual depending on age/life stage so only time will tell if he keeps it. All of this aside, it suits him & I love him & hence I now love the name.

For DS2 & DS3 we were quite decisive about names, had an option for each sex, both not common but not unusual (theory was not another in their class but people would know how to spell it). Both times the 'other' boys name became popular just after...

MiaowTheCat Fri 19-Apr-13 20:59:21

Took me a good few months with DD1 until her name really became "her" - until then it just felt like some random label stuck onto her and I could have called her hobbit or dishwasher or anything with an equal degree of attachment of the label to her if you get what I mean?

Now (she's just turned 1) the name is just utterly utterly her, fits her to an absolute tee and I really couldn't imagine her as any of the other names we'd considered for her. And yes, the name, like most at one time or another has been bashed on here.

DD2's name still hasn't really stuck to her yet but she's still dinky... her nickname's totally stuck, the actual name name - not quite as much yet but it's getting there and it does suit her - she definitely never looked like the other possibility we had for her... again, both name possibilities quite heavily slated on here recently. It'll fit her given time once her personality really starts to shine through... although sometimes I DO consider whether we should have just named her "grumpy refluxy puking ball of laundry".

Neither names are mangled spellings, surnames as first names or anything like that in case you're wondering about the name-slating... I think everything gets a good bashing on here over an extended period of time.

Thirstysomething Fri 19-Apr-13 23:00:34

I love love my dd2s name and yet still often regret actually calling her that name. It is so pretty, but I worry that it is too whimsical and unusual, it is a 'marmite' name ( you either love it or hate it ) and it was always be misspelled and mispronounced.
Strangely - off my 3 children, she is the only one to have changed her name herself. At the age of 2 she suddenly decided that she was going to be called a nn she made up herself... And she is. Now she is 4, way more than half our friends/family now call her by her own nn.
I am not trivialising any issues that come from pnd or anxiety, but I guess I am saying that you aren't 'failing' your son by calling him Noah. If he doesn't like it when he is older, it won't cause him to fail in life - he will either ignore it, or change it and perhaps it won't be as big a deal as you think?

sparklechops Sun 21-Apr-13 19:20:49

I've posted upthread and we've chatted before mumsywoo. I hope you are ok.

I feel really sad reading all these posts but also relieved in a way as I've realised it's not just me feeling like this.

I've been obsessing over Dd's name for over a year now. I also did the whole thing of buying loads of monogrammed stuff for her to try and accept it.

Was obsessing and getting so down I ended up telling the HV, was diagnosed with anxiety and am soon about to.start counselling.

Mental health worker told me it's about more than just the name (difficult birth etc).

It's a strange thing anyway. It's pretty exhausting going though every day feeling unable to say your child's name, fretting about reactions of other people, isn't it?

Hope everyone gets the help they need to move on.

justhayley Sun 21-Apr-13 21:33:41

Noah is a lovely name - I have one myself grin It took me 4 weeks to name him & a few more before I felt comfortable using it, but now the more I use it the more it suits him. Do you have any other names in mind for him? I think if your going to change it do it now before he becomes too aware of it. Maybe start calling him X for a week and see if that feels any more natural to you.
Xxx

Iwaswatchingthat Sun 21-Apr-13 23:42:49

Very reassuring thread - wish I had read years ago. Had same thing with dd2. I regretted her name almost immediately. Early (ignored by me) sign of anxiety and PND.

But to be honest Sometimes even now I think 'why didn't I call her X, y or Z??!!' There are so many other names I prefer. I still (she is nearly 7) look on baby name threads with envy and wish I had taken my time. I feel like I had a gift to choose a beautiful name and wasted it.

OP Noah is a lovely name.

mumsywoo78 Mon 22-Apr-13 00:31:51

thanx for your comments everyone. im still having my ups& downs over noahs name but things are getting easier. its funny because if i see another little boy called noah i think it is so nice so i cant understand why i dont feel comfortable with my boy being called noah! its so strange.and i also have done all the monogrammed stuff! justhayley how old is your noah and do you have any nicknames for him? we call him no-no & now theres that bloody hair remover thingy advertised on tv called no-no! dd thinks its so funny!. sparklechops so sorry to hear ur still struggling i like your dds name i know sum1 with the same name & she likes her name. i hope you find the counselling helpfull i didnt find it that helpful tbh but was good to have someone to talk to. its surprised me how many people have actually gone through this i felt so alone & weird b4 coming on here & seeing im not alone. id never heard of any1 going through this b4 i suffered myself. this needs to be spoke about more & people need to be aware that this can happen. x

mumsywoo78 Fri 24-May-13 13:42:27

R

Grannylipstick Sat 25-May-13 21:11:08

I have 5 children. The first one wasn't named until she was 6 weeks old as we just couldn't agree. The second one was named at 5 weeks and I decided I didn't really like it so he was changed at 4 months. The third was named by by husbands cousin. The fourth was going to be lily but I found there were too many Lily's being born! So we decided on Millie (no Millie's around 21 years ago). The fifth was named by my husband. I wanted frank, he wanted Fred.

forgetmenots Mon 27-May-13 16:42:20

How are you getting on with the name now OP?

MoelFammau Wed 29-May-13 01:20:36

Same boat. DD is now 2 and it's improving. Not helped though by a friend's kid (boy) being called the same name. It becomes a total PITA when they're together and it makes me feel that DD isn't her own person. They also have the same bloody nickname... sigh.

MultipleMama Wed 29-May-13 12:45:09

I was 18 when I named my ds1 because it was my first baby (I was totally naive in the way of naming!), I named him something that is spelt unusual and pronounced unusual too.

I love his name but sometimes I was reluctant to say his name, however he is now 4.5 and is growing into the name and it does suit him. So I don't worry much about it anymore.

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