Using same name as close friends?

(46 Posts)
forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 16:04:47

I'm sure this has been done to death but:

Our friends have (unbeknownst to them) used our favourite and quite unusual boy's name. We've both been ttc for a while and been supporting each other through it.

Would it be terrible if we still used the name? It would likely be the same name but we would choose to generally shorten it and they wouldn't, and I would ask them first if they minded and accept their answer. How would you respond?

ClementineandLilac Fri 16-Nov-12 16:20:56

I would go insane! Don't do it!

ClementineandLilac Fri 16-Nov-12 16:21:37

Nobody owns a name but still there is certain naming etiquette

LadyMargolotta Fri 16-Nov-12 16:22:16

ARe your children going to grow up closely together?

ANd what's the name? (vital information!)

orangepudding Fri 16-Nov-12 16:25:49

Some people would be upset others really wouldn't mind - you'll only know if you speak to them.

Gwennan Fri 16-Nov-12 16:27:33

Fine if it's a name like Oliver or Harry.

Not cool if it's a name like Augustus or Humphrey.

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 16:42:25

They live quite far away but we are good friends - name is unusual but we would be using a variant for everyday. Should I not ask and just put it out my mind, or if I still love the name ask nearer my due date (due in June and won't be finding out gender, so have 50% chance of avoiding all of it entirely)
Thanks for replies so far

orangepudding Fri 16-Nov-12 16:49:35

As you live a distance away from each other I imagine it would be fine.

dreamingofsun Fri 16-Nov-12 16:52:38

how would you feel if your son was born first and they used it?

as others have said this bothers some people big time and others not a jot. without checking first you won't know - obviously there's no point doing this if they object and you ignore them, unless the name is more important than your friendship.

this has happened to us, and my opinion of the adults concerned has altered. i can't decide if they are selfish or thick.

GrownupGoth Fri 16-Nov-12 17:21:32

I would be cross, I know that no one owns a name, but I do think it lacks respect for your friends and also unoriginality to use the same name.

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:27:41

It wouldn't bother me personally but as you say I know it would for
some people. Those opinions are what I'd be concerned about, even though I know they're not true - I would hate my friends to feel that way even though we won't see them often. Thanks, this is really helpful

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:29:05

dreamingofsun if I asked and they objected I would completely disregard the name and come up with something else, I just dot know whether to try and do that now without asking, or whether at the very least asking respectfully is ok.

Mollydoggerson Fri 16-Nov-12 17:30:44

If this name is unusual but you both want to use it, then I predict it is the next 'in' name and there will be 3 or 4 of them in the playground. Use something else.

Mollydoggerson Fri 16-Nov-12 17:31:51

P.S. I wouldn't be cross.

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:34:27

mollydoggerson I think you're right, and so does DH. Know anecdotally of a few others (it's a Scottish name and we live in Scotland) - may be best plan all round! Just first instinct, after jumping up and down elated about their great news, was 'oh no, I can't call our LO that now!'
Advice here has been great.

dreamingofsun Fri 16-Nov-12 17:34:44

i would have been fine if our 'friends' has asked. as we would have said we'd have preferred them to choose another name.

our issue is that they didn't even value our friendship enough to ask - although maybe they are just dim.

they knew we picked a fairly unusual name on purpose as we didn't want our kids to be known as big x or little x or x+surname

chickydoo Fri 16-Nov-12 17:36:14

This exact same thing happened to me.
I just called my DS the name anyway, & shortened it when they were around.
Am so glad I stuck to my guns & used the name I love especially as we don't see those friends anymore ( just drifted apart)

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:36:44

No, dreaming that is very rude indeed, and I would be very angry in that situation too - I would never dream of doing that and would completely respect their wishes.

Thinking of just getting the name book out and seeing it as 'what's meant to be', though!

dreamingofsun Fri 16-Nov-12 17:37:27

chicydoo - drifted apart maybe, more likely they thought you were selfish bastards who valued a name rather more than your friendship

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:38:14

chickydoo this would be my one concern in the other direction- if I still love it in a few months, will I regret not even asking and not using it?! Thanks for your side of it too, all food for thought!

dreamingofsun Fri 16-Nov-12 17:39:55

forgetme - if you can find another name you prefer i think that might be best, as otherwise your child is just going to be one of many - as others have mentioned on here. that way they will have a name thats there's.

TuttoRhino Fri 16-Nov-12 17:42:16

Friends of my parents gave their son, born one month later, the same name as my youngest brother. They asked my parents beforehand and they didn't mind. I presume they thought that there was a slim chance that they'd continue to know each other through the years. As it turned out, my brother and his namesake are still friends 30 years later.

It's never bothered them.

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:42:56

I think that's wise. DH and I going to get the books out later and hope something jumps out (as that one did). I don't really want the situation to come up where I even feel torn, and I would love each boy (ours if we have one, and theirs) to have his own name. Thanks, I'm sorry to hear what happened with your friends - exactly what I don't want. sad

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:43:23

Sorry that last post was to dreaming

ClementineandLilac Fri 16-Nov-12 17:43:42

Well I think there is nothing wrong with asking them how they would feel rather than using it and then find out their reaction! Once they wouldn't be too polite to say how they really feel.....do you think they would be honest with you?

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:44:40

Was it an unusual name tuttorhino? Feel like I wouldn't even be fretting if it was a top ten name it's partly because I was so smug myself for coming up with it.

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 17:46:15

I think they would be brutally honest Clementine! (one of the reasons we are friends) I just wouldn't even want to look like an uncaring, selfish friend by asking when we have both had problems ttc etc...

dreamingofsun Fri 16-Nov-12 17:50:18

forget - i wouldn't have minded if they'd asked us if we cared. As long as they acted on our answer. i wouldn't have minded if it was in the top 10

if i was you, though, i wouldn't want a name that was the same.

rotavirusrita Fri 16-Nov-12 17:51:28

Ds3 is called Edward.... I have 3 boys so have covered many popular boys names

My best friend from uni who I hope I will always be in touch but we only see 4-5 times a year had her first baby recently .... and called him edward smile
She asked in advance and I dont mind in a slightest.... its a nice name.

He is known is our house as baby edward adn they call DS "big Edward"

However if it a very very unusual name they may think you slightly odd... adn there are actually quite a few nice names out there anyway

lopsided Fri 16-Nov-12 18:04:59

Our friends used they same name as us 2 months after our dc was born. It is a pretty popular name (top 20). I absolutely didn't mind, It's a great name. We are still close freinds, and they live very near.

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 18:05:10

That's what I am thinking rota and dreaming. My whole thing in the first place was to be slightly unusual. I should stick to that. Back to the books, and being genuinely delighted for my friend's beautiful boy and his beautiful name smile

Journey Fri 16-Nov-12 21:26:48

I think a lot depends on how unusual the name is. If people wouldn't find it unusual in Scotland then I would probably say it is fine to use.

thisthreadwilloutme Fri 16-Nov-12 21:33:44

But dreaming how do you know that they didn't already have this name as their favourite before you named your child?

Nobody owns a name and no matter ow unusual there will be another out there somewhere.

thisthreadwilloutme Fri 16-Nov-12 21:35:14

and forgetmenots Scottish boys I know with lovely names include Hamish, Logan (Logie), Lachlan, Jamie and Ross.

I wouldn't mind at all, would be slightly flattered if anything. I would not think you rude if you didn't mention it beforehand either, why on earth would I mind what a friend calls their child?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 16-Nov-12 21:48:43

do you know what you are having? May turn out not to be an issue!

I personally think there is nothing wrong with it as you didn't get the idea from them. I would just drop into conversation that you think it's a lovely name and has aways been your top choice too

The only time I think it is weird is if it is cousins because that can be confusing for other family!

My DD has an unusual name and I would be surprised if someone used it but I wouldn't take it personally. It is not a malicious act! In fact the person naming the child has probably given very little thought to the other one with that name.

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 22:11:00

thisthreadwilloutme at least three of those are serious contenders for us smile thanks!

I am pretty much thinking I will keep thinking, I've got plenty of time, and so between the whole might-be-a-girl-anyway, and other names I might like, I hope it won't even be an issue! I really didn't get the idea from them, and it would be less unusual in Scotland, but if in a few months I'm still a bit upset that I can't use it, I may gently ask them, totally prepared for them to say no.

Just would rather find a new name than be a lousy friend, but if having that name wouldn't make me any less of a good friend, I would do it! smile thanks so much for all the help, it has really helped to 'talk' through!

OddFrog Fri 16-Nov-12 22:18:48

A close friend of mine loved our DS's distinctive name and asked to use it for her DS3. They live miles away from us so our DS wouldn't have been affected, except when the two families were together. I was flattered and a bit pleased that we had a shared love of the name.

She did use the name, but had to change it after almost 9 months of calling her DS by a nn because to her, the name was so particular to my DS that she couldn't disassociate it from him. Her DS now has a very lovely name that suits him so well; we can't imagine him having had the original one.

However 'unique' we try to be, there are only so many names to go around. Maybe you'll feel differently about the name now that it's been 'used'. How about having it as a middle name? If you're not going to use it - what was it? Can I have it?

My DD1 name was used by a friend living 3 streets away, who now goes to DD1 school in her class. And they chose DD1 first and middle names.

She recently told me that DD1 was the reason she chose her DD name. I was a bit hmm that she chose both names, but hey ho it's a lovely name and her DD is completely different personality wise mine although they look slightly similar.

Haystack Fri 16-Nov-12 22:27:07

I know this is a bit late but i just wanted to offer a different perspective. We changed our mind on our dd3's name on the day she was born as a cousin called their child the same very unusual name born the night before. We felt we couldn't 'steal' their name and would look very rude if we did even though we had called our dd the name privately through the pregnancy. 5 years later and having never grown to love the replacement name we chose our dd asked to change her name to her middle name - our original choice - and we are all, including my cousin who laughed at me for worrying, happy now.

If you love the name, for whatever reason, I would risk asking, they sound like good, supportive friends and may even like the fact you share a love of fabulous names! Good luck finding the right name for you.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 16-Nov-12 22:32:44

Also, both you and your friends have been TTC for a long time so she will know that baby names have been on the brain for long before she named her little one

forgetmenots Fri 16-Nov-12 23:21:55

Hmmm! Thanks. I'm still feeling a bit sad about the name, but I think I will probably grow to think of that as my friend's son's name (I will try to, at least!)

The different opinions here are great - I'm going to mull them over along with some new names!

PurpleGentian Sat 17-Nov-12 11:24:44

I know it's not particularly rational of me, but it would bother me if a close friend gave her new DS the same name as mine (even though DS has a farily popular name). And if they asked, I would tell them that.

But, looking at the other posts, lots of people wouldn't mind. So, I think if you love the name, you should ask them how they feel about it. I wouldn't be upset about a friend asking me if I minded them using DS's name, so long as they accepted my answer.

B1ueberryS0rbet Sun 18-Nov-12 19:51:34

If it's an unusual name then of course they will think 'seriously??? confused ' but if it's something in the top ten or even twenty then that's what you get when you pick a popular name. So it really depends how unusual the name is.

Also, although you may believe the name is unusual, I bet it's moving up the ranks. And I bet it's a name that appeals to certain demographics more than others and that you and your friends are similar types. this is always happening and those two women who wrote the baby naming wizard book wrote a chapter about why you and your best friend from school/college independently choose the same unusual name.

forgetmenots Sun 18-Nov-12 20:00:45

Haha, I think you're spot on Blueberry!

Have to be honest and say I don't think I would be so sharing with my girls name (can't genuinely think of another I want to use now) but can come up with another lovely boy name I'm sure smile

coldcupoftea Sun 18-Nov-12 20:16:58

Both my DDs have fairly unusual names- never met another one. I think if a friend used one of their names for their DC without saying anything I would be a bit hmm and always feel like they had copied us.

However if, on announcing our DD's name they had said 'oh how lovely, you know that's actually always been one of my favourite names too and is on our shortlist' then I don't think it would bother me at all!

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