Surnames- husbands or my surname?

(54 Posts)
DuckWaddle Wed 06-Jul-16 22:20:14

I didn't take my husbands surname when we married and didn't double barrel it as they sounded ridiculous together!!
Our first dd has taken my husbands surname and I assumed I'd do the same for our second (currently pregnant) but I would like one child to share my name. I'm also uncomfortable with the convention that the man's name should always be used.
Just wondering what others have done if they have different names?

Heratnumber7 Wed 06-Jul-16 22:26:51

I like tradition, and it's also more convenient for all the family to have the same name.

DuckWaddle Wed 06-Jul-16 22:28:04

Too late for that Herat!

Liz09 Wed 06-Jul-16 22:28:55

My child will have my name, because I kept my surname when we got married and we both agreed that our children would also have my name.

The reason, for us, is simple. I'm the last person in my family who can pass on the name, and if I don't, it will die out at me. But, more importantly, my dad passed away when I was young and I would like to be able to pass on his name for that reason.

I would maybe be apprehensive in your situation because you already gave your first child his name, which means that they'll grow up with different surnames. Would you consider putting your surname as the middle name? I would just worry that your children may have to answer questions about why their names are different if their parents are the same... (That may never happen, though).

Ham69 Wed 06-Jul-16 22:29:21

My friend was in a similar situation and gave her ds her surname as a middle name. Would that work?

Perpetualstateofchaos Wed 06-Jul-16 22:30:28

My 2ds have different surnames. Ds1 is legally ex 1s surname but is known by myour surname he refuses to be acknowledged by exs name as he's NCO. Ds2 is legally mysurname-ex2s surname. It works for us even though it isn't conventional.

BertrandRussell Wed 06-Jul-16 22:30:54

Hyphenate them both. Sorted.

DetestableHerytike Wed 06-Jul-16 22:34:31

This is fine.

The children can answer any questions as required surely

DetestableHerytike Wed 06-Jul-16 22:35:16

Bert, she doesn't want to double barrel

caju Wed 06-Jul-16 22:36:46

How bad can they really be double barrelled?

I'm all for women keeping their own name, but obviously lots of people want their children to have their name - for emotional and logical reasons, really - including the mum AND the dad. So doubling them up always seemed the simplest solution to me.

caju Wed 06-Jul-16 22:37:24

I think it would be quite strange for siblings to have different surnames. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

DetestableHerytike Wed 06-Jul-16 22:40:55

It would be unusual, but lots of half siblings will have this, and kids are used to lots of combinations now.

AyeAmarok Wed 06-Jul-16 22:40:57

I'd put one surname as a (additional) middle name.

PickledLilly Wed 06-Jul-16 22:42:33

My daughter has my surname, it caused big arguments between me and DP but we aren't married and I saw no reason why his surname should be the default. I'm now pregnant again with a boy and the argument has resurfaced as he feels that as a boy will carry the name forward it should be his but I feel very strongly that it should be my surname again and my children should have the same surname. I've never regretted DD having my name at all, I'm very glad I stuck to my guns.

Zina222 Wed 06-Jul-16 22:44:52

Personally, Im a firm believer in keeping my maiden name (mainly because we're a family of girls and I think it's just as important for females to carry on the blood line), and I also think children should have the mothers name as I think they generally play a bigger part compared to the traditional male 'head' of the family. I also felt more comfortable with it as I found that people presume you have the same name as your child so it saves having to correct schools, doctors, etc. My first had my name for these reasons. With my second however, my partner put his foot down which caused months of bickering as we both felt strongly that our different views were right so we finally reluctantly agreed to double barrel it (not ideal as that led to four of us having four different surnames).

DetestableHerytike Wed 06-Jul-16 22:45:12

"As a boy will carry the name forward"

Does he not see the illogic of this position?!

BertrandRussell Wed 06-Jul-16 22:46:15

As everyone always says on here, middle names don't matter, nobody ever uses them. If women agree to use their last names as middle names they have to reconcile themselves to their name vanishing. Then middle name thing is just a way to make women shut up about it.

Hyphenating is the only way to preserve both names.

DetestableHerytike Wed 06-Jul-16 22:47:56

I would add your surname as a middle name to dc1 and his surname a as a middle name to dc2

So they are Harriet Deborah Smith Jones (known as Harriet jones) and Georgina Rose Jones Smith. (Known as Georgina smith)

MumOnACornishFarm Wed 06-Jul-16 22:48:42

I'm not married to my partner. When DS1 was born OH made a big fuss about not liking double barrelled names because he thinks they're pretentious hmm so we gave DS my surname as an additional middle name, and he has OHs surname. Since then OH has said he's not actually that bothered about double barreling after all angry though I felt very strongly about DS having my family name (I will double barrel when we eventually marry). So we're changing DS1's name, and DS2 is going to be double barreled also.

AyeAmarok Wed 06-Jul-16 23:01:14

I disagree in a way Bertrand. If our DC have my name as a middle name then it is there on all official documents.

If we double-barrell it to Bennett-Jones, then if DC gets married they might ditch one or both names to add or take their husband or wife's name, or just ditch one because it's a hassle. And it might be mine they ditch. And I'd be offended

But if my name is a middle name then they can do what they like with their surname, but my name stays in there as a middle name.

MitzyLeFrouf Wed 06-Jul-16 23:24:45

Do the two surnames really sound ridiculous together OP? Both surnames would be my preference. I'm personally of the opinion that a surname being used as a middle name is definitely runners up prize. A bit of a half-hearted nod.

MumOnACornishFarm Wed 06-Jul-16 23:50:25

Mitzy you've hot the nail on the head, IMO. I definitely feel like I got the wooden spoon with my surname as DS's middle name. And with these stretch marks, that just won't do!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 07-Jul-16 00:10:46

I think unless married and you take his name. All children should be in mum's name.

DuckWaddle Thu 07-Jul-16 08:11:08

Thanks all for your messages. In response:
- our names together do sound completely silly so that's def out unless I inflict cruelty upon our unborn child!
- middle name- really doesn't mean much to me and, like others have said, is a poor second best
- I've also thought that maybe siblings having different surnames is complicated. But the unthought that I don't share my dd's surname and it hasn't caused a single problem or query.
I think the thing that's holding me back is actually that it seems to be such a big deal to do this. But I don't really know why. In my mind it isn't a big deal but others seem to view it as a hugely subversive thing to do. I don't know if I can handle the wrath of the in laws! Also, number 2 is a boy which means the usual problems of the name carrying on. Seeing as I don't think that has to be the case these days that's lesa of an issue. I think they'd mind less if it was a girl. All my post from them is still addressed to me with my husbands name!!

BertrandRussell Thu 07-Jul-16 08:46:36

Do they sound silly both ways round? Can you compound them to make a new name?

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