Dilemma: 'Reusing' a name

(30 Posts)
MissusWrex Sun 03-Apr-16 04:30:53

We previously have had a late miscarriage. It was a huge shock and we called him 'Alex' as the nurse said she was fairly sure he was a boy but couldn't tell us conclusively? We didn't have an autopsy.

I'm now 36+5 pregnant with ds. Around 20 weeks we were having lots of discussions about names, we couldn't match our lists up at all! We both loved Alexander so decided that it would be ok to use it.

I'm really not comfortable with the decision anymore though.

We have told family and friends that will be his name and they all say it's lovely and not weird at all.

But 'Alex' in my mind is the baby whose ashes I have in a box with a teddy and a bracelet with the name Alex on.

I can't describe how much it has hurt me when I have to say 'the baby we lost' instead of Alex when talking about what happened because Akex is now what everyone is calling the baby who is coming.

I feel like it's unfair for the new baby to be overshadowed by that name and also that I'm 'erasing' our miscarriage from history, that he wasn't important enough to keep his own name. It's also affecting my bonding with the baby because now I recoil when I think if his name.

I don't even know where to start mentioning this to DP. I'm worried he will be angry because we've told everyone about it and I agreed with it and we have no back up name.

I actually can't sleep I am so stressed out about it. It feels so wrong to me now, it has for about two months. I love the name so much but it is already very much taken in my mind.

I feel like everyone will be angry at me or think in being silly.

How do I go about telling people all this? I'm not very good at expressing my feelings verbally and feel like I'll just blub at them.

Or am I just being stupid and its actually ok to reuse the name.

bittapitta Sun 03-Apr-16 04:38:23

Personally I wouldn't reuse the name. Perhaps Alexander as a middle name? but not as a first name. You are definitely not being stupid! Your dp should be understanding, I assume the loss hit him hard too. Obviously family and friends say "that's lovely" at your name announcement because that's what good family and friends do - don't worry, people change their mind on baby names all the time, even after birth! Sorry for your late miscarriage flowers

babyconverse Sun 03-Apr-16 04:38:51

Talk to your dp about it- I'm sure he won't be angry with you and you can discuss alternatives.

Sorry for your loss and congrats on the pregnancy

MissusWrex Sun 03-Apr-16 04:43:34

Thank you Bittapitta.

Deep down I know I can't use the name. I just felt selfish because that is now what everyone is calling the baby I'm pregnant with.

I just want scream at them that that's not his name and it's all my own bloody fault.

I've tried to begin to tell Dp a few times since Christmas but the words just don't come out. I sit there and psych myself up to starting the conversation and it just doesn't happen.

That isn't really like me at all! Usually it's in my head and out my mouth the next second.

MitzyLeFrouf Sun 03-Apr-16 04:43:41

There is absolutely nothing stupid and nothing silly about the emotions you're experiencing. I think it would be unfair on you and unfair on your new son if you called him Alex. You already have a child called Alex, even if he's no longer with you.

Tell you're DP what you're feeling. There are lots of names out there, it doesn't matter if your son is nameless for a few days until you hit on something you both love.

Best of luck flowers

MitzyLeFrouf Sun 03-Apr-16 04:43:51

There is absolutely nothing stupid and nothing silly about the emotions you're experiencing. I think it would be unfair on you and unfair on your new son if you called him Alex. You already have a child called Alex, even if he's no longer with you.

Tell you're DP what you're feeling, he may have the same misgivings. There are lots of names out there, it doesn't matter if your son is nameless for a few days until you hit on something you both love.

Best of luck flowers

MissusWrex Sun 03-Apr-16 04:48:01

Thank you Mitzy.

Right. I'm going to try to get myself ready to talk to Dp at some point today.

I've been getting myself in such a state, even having panic attacks about it. I just can't understand why I can't talk about it in RL.

Dp isn't scary, he's lovely and telling him ANYTHING (even waaaay tmi stuff) has never been a problem.

This has just been so different. It's just dredged up all the old feelings that had settled down a bit. I know this sounds over dramatic but I've felt disloyal to both babies.

TippyTappyLappyToppy Sun 03-Apr-16 05:07:37

I would not reuse it, no. You could maybe use it as a middle name in remembrance of the little boy you lost but not as a first name.

NewYearsAoibhe Sun 03-Apr-16 05:08:50

You haven't been disloyal, but it isn't over dramatic to say you feel that way.

I think with your lovely-sounding dp, tell him in detail how you thought you'd feel about naming the new baby Alexander, and how you've actually been feeling for the past two months. If the words won't come out, you could always tell him that you posted a thread and let him read it. You have expressed yourself very clearly and your feelings are very very understandable from what you've said in your OP and subsequent posts.

With regard to everyone else, no explanation is needed, just the information that actually on second thought, the new baby won't be Alexander after all.

I can't imagine any person who knows your history thinking there was anything strange or dramatic or silly about the fact that you thought you might want to call your baby the same name you'd chosen for your first pregnancy, but then realised that you couldn't do it because "Alex" to you will always mean your first baby. It is entirely understandable and reasonable and not in the least bit silly.

Ditsy4 Sun 03-Apr-16 05:10:24

Oh bless you.
Why not keep it as a second name. You need to think of another name. If you are finding it difficult tell the midwife and get her to explain to DP. She will be able to explain the psychological need to keep your first baby's name.
Your feelings are stirred up anyway because of the experience and your hormones. People often change their mind. We changed our mind about son2. Well DH did. When DS2 arrived midwife asked his name. I told her. DH said "No, he doesn't look like one." We spent the next three weeks discussing it!
I hope all goes well this time.

MissusWrex Sun 03-Apr-16 05:20:44

I feel much better, thank you!

It was so easy to write down how I feel about this, I'm just not so great at getting things out in person. The words all sort of jumble up.

Now I've been frantically trying to find some names to suggest (using this chat topic for inspiration!) but actually think I might just let the dust settle first and talk about it first. I might even just see what he looks like and hope it comes to me!

It won't be that long to wait. Section is booked for the 14th April.

Getting the date and knowing how near it was is what kicked off this thread.

bittapitta Sun 03-Apr-16 07:45:21

Good luck OP smile you'll find a shortlist and you can decide when you meet your lovely baby!

rainbowstardrops Sun 03-Apr-16 07:52:26

Good luck OP. Just tell your DH exactly how you are feeling and how upset you've been.
I agree also that maybe Alexander as a middle name might be a fitting remembrance of Alex but that would be entirely up to you of course.
Good luck flowers

Hassled Sun 03-Apr-16 08:03:28

Could you use Alexander as the middle name? And just tell friends/family that you've changed your mind - it happens to loads of parents; when I had DS3, both DH and I decided that actually there was no way he looked like a James (which is what I'd told everyone), and called him something else. I'm very sorry for your loss - as this baby gets closer to being really here, it must be churning up a lot of emotions for you and must be very difficult.

Fletcherl Sun 03-Apr-16 08:11:08

Exactly you are carrying the baby and so have a different relationship with him. Lots of people see a baby and change their mind when they meet the baby face to face.
How about Fraser.

DinosaursRoar Sun 03-Apr-16 08:16:20

If you find it easier to write down, can you write a letter to DP, say you are struggling to say this and sit somewhere else while he reads it, then have the chat?

For everyone else, just announce the baby's name when born and say "we've decided to call him Xxx"

hesterton Sun 03-Apr-16 08:19:02

Why don't you go onto the baby names section and start a thread ' If I love the name Alex, what else might I love?' You have a right to change your mine. Alex was your baby and so is this new one - you get to choose the name as well as your dp.

But please talk to him. You are allowed to change your mind. It's ok and it's totally understandable.

And I'm so sorry you lost your little Alex. flowers

YourLeftElbow Sun 03-Apr-16 08:33:08

thanksthanksthanks You poor thing.
I can understand you perfectly. I had a v v early miscarriage, and named that baby in my head, decided what sex it would have been etc. No-one knows the name, it was just a way of comforting myself, and I could never use it again.
Could you write a letter instead? Give it to your DP and be there when he reads it, so that you can talk afterwards? I find it easier to write things down too.

MissusWrex Sun 03-Apr-16 08:58:33

Thank you for the suggestions.

Later on today (Dp is not a morning person smile) I'm going to talk to him about it. If I can't find the words I'll definitely use the thread/letter idea instead. Either way I want it out of the way today.

I have been worrying about how others will react and I shouldn't be really. Will only be telling dp for now.

Wish me luck! (and yes I'll probably be starting that thread as we just got nowhere trying to compromise on a name last time!)

2016ismyyear Sun 03-Apr-16 09:03:42

"I've been thinking about the baby's name. I can't call him Alexander it reminds me too much of the baby we lost. We'll need to find a new name"

Btw you have 6 weeks to name a baby. A further extension of 6 weeks ( I think) can be granted. A name will come to you.
Don't worry about family. Personally I don't get the whole naming a baby before it's born.

marmiteontoast76 Sun 03-Apr-16 12:12:20

Sorry for your previous late loss, I've been there too, it's awful. But so pleased for you that you will soon be meeting your 'rainbow' baby.

Personally I would use Alexander as a middle name instead and chose another first name. We named our son, who we lost at 19 weeks, my absolute favourite boy's name and if we ever had another son I would probably be in the same situation as you are, however I know I would have to go with something else. I think chosing the same name may cause massive anxieties after the birth.

Don't worry about what family think, better to change now than when he is 6 months or so old.

Some suggestions for you similar to Alex:
James Alexander
Henry Alexander
George Alexander
Edward Alexander
Thomas Alexander
Louis Alexander
Leo Alexander
Jacob Alexander

Good luck x

dizzytomato Sun 03-Apr-16 12:30:05

You need to talk to your DP.

When i was pregnant with my first he was Joshua. Once he was born he was named something else. It feels odd to think of him as Joshua now he's 13 although when I was pregnant it felt very real that he was Joshua. You already have an Alex, you are in the same boat as any other parents who have a child with their first name choice and need to come up with another name they love as much as the first.

I like the idea of having Alexander as a middle name. When he's older you can tell him that his middle name is after his brother. That's very special. My mother had a still birth and i never knew him but knowing him by name has always been important for my mother and the rest of the family.

Summ3r Sun 03-Apr-16 12:42:16

So sorry for ur loss sad I personally wouldn't use it but I think it would be lovely to use it as a middle name to carry on his brother memory. Hope u find the perfect name xx

foragogo Sun 03-Apr-16 12:46:21

I am completely with you, Alex is your first baby. I don't think you have to explain or tell anyone, just announce your babies different name when he is born. I think I'd maybe put Alex as a middle name maybe as recognition of your first baby.very sorry for your los too.

foragogo Sun 03-Apr-16 12:50:58

What about Zander?

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