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Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Baby names

name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

192 replies

Comingroundthemountain · 04/10/2015 23:01

So we have decided a boys name if our baby is a boy. It is the name of a not first cousin I had (I think we share a great grandparent) who died last year unexpectedly in a car crash. I didn't really know this cousin - I met him maybe half a dozen times at weddings and funerals etc. It isn't an uncommon name - top 20 at moment. It is the name dh and I both like and we wouldn't be naming them after this cousin.

But, I am Facebook friends with the mum of the cousin who died and she clearly is deep in grief, She posts about him every day putting pics of him up frequently and an aunt who is close to her says she is not coping very well.

We have pretty much decided this is the name we will use. But I don't want the cousin's mum to feel awful when we announce it to everyone in due course, if we have a boy. I don't really have a relationship with her beyond being Facebook friends - and don't even have her phone number. Do you think I should somehow let her know after the baby is born before announcing to everyone - perhaps asking the aunt who is close to her to let her know first? Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all? I don't want to tell them in advance because a) we may not even have a boy and b) I am not asking their permission.

OP posts:

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Only1scoop · 04/10/2015 23:04

I probably would choose another babe personally.

RabbitSaysWoof · 04/10/2015 23:05

I wouldn't use it.

DramaAlpaca · 04/10/2015 23:06

Sorry, but I do think it would be insensitive. I'd choose another name.

shoopshoopsong · 04/10/2015 23:07

Are you able to find out the sex of the baby? Because there's a 50% chance you're worrying about nothing

Madamnit · 04/10/2015 23:07

Normally I'm all for pick a name you love and go for it even if it's in the same family. In this case I really wouldn't

Shutthatdoor · 04/10/2015 23:08

Sorry but I wouldn't use the name either

Epilepsyhelp · 04/10/2015 23:08

I would ask in a way, ask if it would hurt or upset her. She will probably like the idea of it. You cannot underestimate what she is going through and just calling him her son's name with no warning, FB now being what it is, she will see the name all over the place, it could hurt enormously.

sooperdooper · 04/10/2015 23:09

I wouldn't use it personally, unless you were close and it was a tribute (which from your post isn't the case) I just think it feels wrong in the circumstances

nancy75 · 04/10/2015 23:09

My Mum had a baby that died and a couple of years later my Aunt had a baby and called it the same name, my Mum was very very upset and 30 years later it is still something that she feels was wrong for my Aunt to do (my Aunt probably has no idea about all this but it really hurt my mum)

In your situation I would choose another name

quicklydecides · 04/10/2015 23:12

Don't be crass cruel and ridiculous.
There are a squillion other names in the world to choose from.
Do not use this name unless you ask her first.

Comingroundthemountain · 04/10/2015 23:14

v interesting - I thought you would all say worrying over nothing, given I think it was my third or fourth cousin who died (as in my relationship to them, not that all my cousins have died) not a first cousin, and given if I had the baby last year and called them this then that would not have been weird. Hmmm - will talk to dh. Will probably use it though as all we can agree on, so question is whether to let the mum know first before announcing it.

OP posts:

RabbitSaysWoof · 04/10/2015 23:19

I don't think the relationship to you is as relevant as the fact the boys/mans mother is suffering now and this may add to her heartache, if you didn't think it would you wouldn't be asking.
I don't think there is a name in the world worth further upsetting a bereaved parent, I love my child's name but in that situation I could have grown to love another name.

Tootsiepops · 04/10/2015 23:19

I wouldn't use the name either. I lost my younger brother a few years ago under not very pleasant circumstances. It would cut me deeply if family (however far removed) were to give their child his name. It's not very rational, but that's how I feel.

Only1scoop · 04/10/2015 23:20

No unanimously it seems that everyone would avoid.

Obviously if you are still keen on using her DC name then it would seem insensitive to just announce....presumably on FB if you intended to.

CharleyDavidson · 04/10/2015 23:24

A bit of a closer example... our friend chose to name her son with the same name as her brother, who had died. They had a 'tradition' of choosing their DS's names from deceased members of the family - with ds 1 and 2 it had been their grandparents. With ds3 they didn't have any grandparent names left so decided to 'honour' the memory of her late brother.

It made perfect sense to them.
It hurt her mother deeply and caused lots of problems for years, despite settling on a daily nn for the ds that was different to the one the brother went with for the same given name.

Only1scoop · 04/10/2015 23:27

I certainly wouldn't bother the poor woman without knowing the sex either....causing possible upset for no reason.

Finallyonboard · 04/10/2015 23:28

I wouldn't use it! How would you feel if it was the other way around?

Funinthesun15 · 04/10/2015 23:39

will probably use it though as all we can agree on, so question is whether to let the mum know first before announcing it.

Of course you should let the mum know first. It would be extremely cruel not to!!!

I don't even understand why that is a question

BackforGood · 04/10/2015 23:51

I have to agree with everyone else - I know it's not the question you asked, but I have to add my voice to the growing list of us that are telling you it would be really insensitive to use the name. It doesn't matter that it's not your first cousin, it's still a cousin you are close enough to, to have as a FB friend and to be meeting up with on family occasion.
I'm not generally precious about names, but there are thousands of names out there, it would just be nasty to use her son's name at this point.

manicinsomniac · 05/10/2015 00:23

Sorry, but I wouldn't use it either. It's so easy to just choose another name and avoid upsetting your cousin further.

CactusAnnie · 05/10/2015 01:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 05/10/2015 03:08

Well I wouldn't use it, but it sounds like you don't mind doing that.

It would make a difference if you were being thoughtful or respectful in honoring the cousin who died. But for some reason you are keen to make sure everyone knows that is NOT the case.

So, you want to use the name of your dead cousin/ distant relation, although the mother is deep in grieving and very sad. And in addition you want everyone to know that the name has nothing to do with the mothers dead son? So no one can read a kind or thoughtful motivation into your choice. And you are keen to emphasise that you don't want to ask permission, but tell the grieving family as a done deal, oh and that it's nothing to do with their son and in no way honoring memory or remembering, at the same time.

Gosh.

Your mind sounds made up so there's no point in trying to explain or showing you how to empathize with a grieving family.

How very annoying for you that you could have used the name with no problems if only you'd had your baby last year. Clearly that's rubbish for you and everyone should feel your pain. Ahem.

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yakari · 05/10/2015 03:47

Personally I'd choose a different name but you sound determined to go ahead.
IMO the only 'decent' way to do that is with as much consideration for the family as possible. First find out if you're having a boy - you maybe didn't want to know in advance but if you're going to potentially detonate a bomb off in your family I'd suggest that overrides any other reason to not find out.
Then if it is a boy, I suggest you speak to your Aunt first. What's her take on this - is the grief still too raw, will the mother actually think it's ok (or OK if it's in honour of her son)?
Even if you wait til the birth and tell the mother then - what happens if she asks you not to use it?
Ultimately you need to decide what you'll do if either the Aunt or the mother express that they will be really hurt. Could you really still go ahead?

JoyceDivision · 05/10/2015 04:11

Please, please, please choose another name.

As posters above have said:

Family still grieving

No tribute to deceased relative either, you just like the name

There are millions of names out there to select an alternative

I'm sure mumsnetters could happily think up dozens of alternatives to help you out.

Forestdreams · 05/10/2015 04:21

Please ask her first, and in a nice non-pressuring way, ie not telling her it's the only name you can agree on at the moment.

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