mum's surname or dad's?

(60 Posts)
lovelilies Thu 26-Sep-13 23:07:02

unmarried parents.. which surname will/have you given your dc?
I honestly have no idea what to do...sad

ringaringarosy Thu 03-Oct-13 23:09:09

my 4 have my name and we are married,dh kept his own name,i would of been up for double barrel but he doesnt like them.

Meglet England Wed 02-Oct-13 13:45:16

XP wouldn't let me give the DC's my surname, or double barrel it sad. He was screaming abuse at me the day we went to the registry office so I had to suck it up and give them his bloody name.

They're stuck with a surname for a man they don't even know.

Fight your ground and give them your name.

WinteronPluto Wed 02-Oct-13 13:40:15

I am married but did not change my name. My DD has my husband's surname, as a double barrelled name seemed too long.

It doesn't bother me not having the same surname as she does, although apparently I could have problems taking her on holiday without DH unless I bring birth certificate.

Friends of mine who are not married have used both surnames but father's mother's as it followed better. She often just gets called by the mother's surname though as that is the last name that people see. I don't think it is hyphenated.

Sometimes I think I should have given DD my surname as a second middle name though.

Handbagsonnhold Tue 01-Oct-13 16:47:26

Hi op .....myself and partner are unmarried. Dd has both surnames hyphenated. My husband wanted his surname first and mine to follow but the registrar pointed out that it is actually correct to have the fathers name last.....we did this....as we both have quite posh sounding surnames!...we gave her just one short simple Christian name. However....it is all because I really wanted her to share my name also.....we only use the whole name on official stuff.... not day to day etc....I'm glad she has my name also.

I read an article once somewhere, where the daughters got the mother's name and the sons got the father's name. Thought it was quite fair.

I didn't change my name when I got married (I cannot for the life of me, see the point) and future children will get double-barrelled with the explicit leeway to drop one or the other when they are adults.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:37:18

If getting married makes you feel quite ill, I can see why changing your name would turn your stomach too grin

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:36:01

I guess the thing is I don't feel subsumed. I don't feel that I was somehow branded with DH's name. I just changed my name. You know, it happens to match the one DH already had, but I don't see 'Payne' as any more his than mine.

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 16:33:26

I take your point grin. For me, the idea of subsumed into someone else's name makes me feel really quite ill. Mind you so does the idea of getting married.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:23:00

Sorry, don't know where 'though' came from at the end of that. "by decisions I made."

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 16:22:13

Mother - It is probably worth bearing in mind that I am in my mid 30s and married in my mid 20s. I also didn't have children. So I was a feminist at this point, but it was in the general sense of 'of course I'm a feminist' and of equally seeing most of the work as done (in the UK). It was that era where choice feminism was being flogged in the mainstream media and, as a middle class, well educated woman I was shamefully sheltered from a lot of realities. So yes, I made a pretty lazy decision. I think, like a lot of women my age, I mainly discovered my feminism as I got older and as having children made realise the vast inequalities still in operation in our marriages, homes and workplaces.

In many ways I don't regret it. I like us all sharing a name, and I am not sure I could have inflicted the deep hurt on the IL's it would have caused them if their DS changed his name (as I said, older and very traditional). But I do think that today I would think about it more deeply.

I do hate the thought that people would think that I couldn't be a feminist having changed my name. Or that I am somehow degraded by decisions I made though.

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 15:20:25

I supposed it's different for me as I have quite a distinctive name. Also I am ancient and come from the generation of 1980s feminists who were fairly appalled by the very idea of marriage.

Thurlow Tue 01-Oct-13 15:18:20

Not having married or changed your name doesn't mean you're more likely to split up. Why do some people jump to that assumption? confused

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 15:08:13

Because, as I said, I was lazy. I can change my name quite easily. No one fusses. There is a process. DH would have to deed poll, endlessly explain to people, deal with the ongoing hurt and upset it would have caused his (traditional, older) parents. It was just a battle I chose not to fight. I do fight plenty of others.

I never felt particularly attached to my maiden name either. I read that article and I have to say I couldn't relate to the 'your name is your identity' stuff. My surname was common and boring and there were millions. My first name OTOH is unusual and interesting and very much me. If anyone addressed me as Mrs John P I would be furious. I also liked leaving my teenage name behind and not being traceable or linkable to that person very easily.

Mind you, I married in my 20's. If I were ever to marry again, I would not change my name now. It is the name of my children and I would never part with it (even if they choose to one day). If (v v unlikely) I had children in a new relationship, I would expect that child to have my name or might possibly be convinced to double barrel.

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 15:03:16

Why didn't you go for yours? Why is it always women?

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Tue 01-Oct-13 14:38:06

I don't find it degrading. I changed my name because I wanted my nuclear family to share a name - me, DH and future children. We could have both double barrelled or gone for a new family name, but quite frankly I couldn't be bothered. I don't see anything degrading about that. Yes, I was lazy, but I don't think I was degraded.

motherinferior Tue 01-Oct-13 14:17:46

I think rebranding yourself with some bloke's name is degrading...

Thants Tue 01-Oct-13 13:36:17

Soupdragon:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/mar/07/women-stop-changing-your-name-when-married

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Tue 01-Oct-13 10:03:42

My DD has DP's because it meant a lot to him for her to have his surname and I really wasn't that bothered about mine. I figure that at some point we'll get married so I'll have the same name then but it really doesn't bother me.

SoupDragon Tue 01-Oct-13 09:54:22

If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.

No it isn't degrading.

SkodaLabia Tue 01-Oct-13 09:50:10

DD has DP's surname, as the first name we loved doesn't work so well with mine. With hindsight, I wish we'd done the two surnames thing too, but I imagine it's a bit complicated on forms.

MERLYPUSS Mon 30-Sep-13 21:29:50

I'm married but didn't change my surname. DTs have my surname but DH's surname as a 2nd middle name. With 13 letters each it was too long to double barrel.

motherinferior Mon 30-Sep-13 18:06:37

Yep, both or yours. What Thants said.

Thants Mon 30-Sep-13 18:05:32

Both your surnames or yours. If you get married don't change your name it's unnecessary and degrading.
I will definitely use mine and my partners surname.

PLEASE PLEASE use your surname. You can change both yours and babies to his name when you get married. If hes on birth certificate why would it matter.

Im speaking feom personal experience where I am now marrying the father of my second child (and unborn one that im carrying) but my ex will not allow my dd to change her surname. She is really upset and stuck with a surname thay doesnt relate to me in anyway.

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters Mon 30-Sep-13 15:57:02

I think it you are right that it probably feels different if you have your dad's name and love and see you dad. My friend's daughter had her mum's name, so once her mum ditched it she didn't share with either parent. sad

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