Can't agree on a surname!

(31 Posts)
nappyaddict Fri 11-Jan-13 01:23:33

Me and DP want a baby, however he does not agree that the baby should have both of our surnames.

I see it as both of us passing on our names to be carried on. DP sees it as neither of us passing on our names and the baby having a different surname to us. He says he could understand more if I was arguing for the baby to have just my surname, but I don't want that either!!

Everyone we know IRL thinks I'm weird for wanting the baby to have both of our surnames. They don't understand why I don't want it to have just DP's surname. But then they think you're not properly married if you don't want to change to your DH's surname.

DP doesn't really want me to have both surnames if we get married either. He hates the idea of me not just taking his surname. He says it offends him that I don't want to have his surname but if that's what I want to do then as a compromise he'll agree to that as long as the children can have just his surname.

Fed up of arguing over it, it gets brushed under the carpet for so long and then out it comes again. Really getting me down sad Should I just go with his compromise?

MrsPoglesWood Fri 11-Jan-13 01:43:43

No. Tell him to feck off back to the 1950s where he seems to be living anyway!

I've tried to write lots to answer your post but it mostly just ends in me swearing so I gave up. But.. but it offends him that you don't want to take his surname when you marry? Run like the wind love. That alone should tell you all you need to know. Most blokes wouldn't give a monkeys.

Most of my female colleagues have kept their maiden names after marriage for professional reasons. As far as I can tell their DH's haven't spontaneously combusted.

pinkandyellowbutterfly Fri 11-Jan-13 01:49:55

No I don't think you should compromise at all, not with your name or your baby's. You're not depriving your baby of having your dads name, you just want to give him yours in addition. Just because its an old tradition soes not give a man automatic right for the child to exclusively have his name, regardless of marrital status. Babies can have any surname you choose, but once registered its pretty much irreversable so my advice is, after carrying your baby for 9 months don't bite your tongue and name baby something you're not ridiculously, blissfully, over-the-moon happy with on account of pleasing other people (I feel so strongly as have a little experience in this area lol).

MrsPoglesWood Fri 11-Jan-13 01:56:25

And as a keen genealogist I should add that it has been a covention since Victorian times - forgotten now perhaps though - to give children their DM's maiden name as a middle name. I have lots of ancestors called Firstname Jones Smith for example and many of them went on in adulthood to hyphenate both names to appear posher than they were.

Aren't you offended that he expects you to give up your maiden name and not have it recognised in your DC's names?

pinkandyellowbutterfly Fri 11-Jan-13 01:58:52

As an ammendment, I would like to add that I think I was too nice in my earlier post I agree with everything MrsPogglesWood said!!

MrsPoglesWood Fri 11-Jan-13 02:12:23

Thanks Pink and I agree with everything you said too!

ripsishere Fri 11-Jan-13 02:22:28

our DD has two normal first names, then my surname then DHs surname. It isn't double barreled just part of her name.
I don't have his surname. He is not the slightest bit offended.
Your DP sounds a bit of an arse.

SoYo Fri 11-Jan-13 10:16:09

Think you're all being a bit harsh, you have to remember that men are ridiculous creatures and have these weird caveman feelings about things.

My DH very much wanted me to have his surname so our kids would all have the same name but I'm lucky that I do a job it's very common to keep your maiden name in so I have a work name and a home name with my passport in one, driving licence in the other and a bank account in each. Does drive DH a bit mad as I have a tendency to forget and just use maiden name a lot but at least it's a compromise!

I think your best option is to keep your maiden name completely (he would just have to get over it) and give your babies your maiden name as a middle name! You should definitely be able to keep your name in there somewhere, he certainly does not have the right to demand you loosing your name altogether but sometimes in life there just needs to be a bit of compromise!

StellaNova Fri 11-Jan-13 10:44:09

I don't think my DH is ridiculous or a caveman,so that is a bit sweeping! He has been fine with me keeping my name.

I know loads of people whose children have both names, not usually hyphenated. I know loads whose children have DHs name but wife has kept maiden name (like us). I knw a few where wife has kept maiden name and children have that name. In no cases has it been a problem as far as I can see.

Although my mother thinks that if you get married legally you automatically take DHs name and I'm just pretending to be called something else. As evidenced when she needed a non-Nova to sign some papers "ooh Stella you could sign these". "No mum, you know I am still a Nova". "But legally, really you are not, are you." "Grrrr."

Tinselandchocolates Fri 11-Jan-13 13:38:15

Personally I wouldn't hyphenate, and I'd want the baby to have the same name as me. One of the main reasons I did change my name when we got married, so we'd all have the same name.
It's your choice anyway, as a DP rather than DH I don't think he can register the birth, it has to be you.

SoYo Fri 11-Jan-13 15:28:55

StellaNova the ridiculous caveman thing was a joke, bit difficult to get tongue-in-cheek thinks across in print! Oops! My DH is generally rather lovely!

Onlyconnect Fri 11-Jan-13 15:33:27

Offer that he an cange hs surname to yours if he wants.

This is something I feel very strongly about. Changing surnames writes women out of history.

nappyaddict Fri 11-Jan-13 21:14:37

He wouldn't change to my name, no way!

I have been considering giving my surname as a middle name. Has anyone does this?

What do they generally get called at school/doctor's sugery/dentist/hospital appointment etc? Do they assume the middle name is part of their surname and call out both names or do they just call out their actual surname?

YoSaffBridge Fri 11-Jan-13 22:26:43

I know lots of people who have given their surname as a middle name, I think it's a great way of dealing with this problem. DD has DP's surname. We've decided not get married and even if we did I wouldn't change my name. He felt more strongly about DC's having his surname than I did, so I was fine with them taking his surname. But I do wish I'd put mine in as a surname. DD already has two middle names so it looked a bit ridiculous!

I've never heard DD's middle names called out (to the point that I didn't actually recognise her name when I got a letter saying Miss XYZ Smith blush). If you'd like your surname said regularly I think it would have to be a double surname.

RillaBlythe Fri 11-Jan-13 22:29:56

My surname is DD middle name. It never gets used. I regret not double barrlling.

My dad reckons an insistence on name changing is a red flag. I'm with Mrs PW.

Leafmould Fri 11-Jan-13 22:54:06

Most blokes wouldn't give a monkeys?

I'm not convinced. I think most people go along with the convention of having the fathers surname, so most blokes do not even have this conversation. I'm not trying to be unhelpful, but I think that if you are feeling that your dp is unusually closed-minded about it, more than most blokes, it's going to make you feel worse about the conflict.

You need to feel comfortable with whatever compromise you make, but don't feel that you are the only ones finding it hard to get to a compromise about this issue.

Vivee74 Sat 12-Jan-13 04:28:36

Our baby will have both our surnames. Firstly if we were to marry I would change my name. Partly that professionally and socially that is my identity and I don't like his surname (to common). Had many an argument with my brother about this, Ie you choose your fathers name over husbands name, however it is MY name.

Re the baby, want to be part of us. Also practically a friend had different name to her little girl. When ever she flew home she needed a letter from her OH to take her little girl out of the country. I refuse to do that, so our baby will have both names (or just mine which he won't agree to)./

ZooAnimals Sat 12-Jan-13 06:24:56

Double barrell the baby's surname and you and DP can change BOTH your surnames to be the same as the baby. So you can all be the Nappyaddict-Smythes or whatever.

If he refuses to take your name, tell him his refusal offends you.

Or pick a new surname for all three of you. Place names make quite good surnames, pick somewhere that has special significance for you (Ms and Mr Cornwall and baby Cornwall, Ms and Mr Devon and baby Devon, Ms and Mr York and baby York, Ms and Mr Vegas and baby Vegas?)

SVN Sat 12-Jan-13 08:43:57

Hello,

Our children have double-barrelled surnames and I have retained my maiden name. I think the insistence on taking the man's surname is such an unfair and anachronistic practice. There was no way I was giving up the identity that I had carved for myself, (besides my surname is very unusual and DH's very common). It was an issue for a while as DH was worried what his friends and family would think, but I knew that if I gave in, it would be a bone of contention between us and that I would resent him for it.

It's never caused any problems for us. Nobody has ever questioned it or batted an eyelid at the fact that essentially we all have different names.

Narked Sat 12-Jan-13 15:42:30

Ask him how he feels about changing his name to yours when you get married. Once his jaw closes again, ask him why he thinks it would feel any less weird for you, as an adult, to suddenly change you surname.

Both names for your DC - which you've said is what you want - sounds totally reasonable.

nickelbabe Sat 12-Jan-13 15:44:23

DD's surname is a combination of our names.

i'm Don and DH is Payne, so DD is Paydon.

it works well, and it means that both and neither of us have passed on the name.

our names would both have died out with us anyway (DH's brothers have a different name and i have two sisters who changed their names)

nickelbabe Sat 12-Jan-13 15:45:58

ps : please rethink this - he doesn't respect you enough to make your own decision on your own name , what's he going to be like when you're married?!

yani Sat 12-Jan-13 15:47:54

OP - Well done for considering this before the baby is born!
Best to have the potentially conflicting discussions now grin

yani Sat 12-Jan-13 15:48:27

Conceived. Not born.

Jasbro Sat 12-Jan-13 16:11:23

The best argument ever for getting married (and sorting out the name thing) before you try for kids!!! Only joking - I am happily unmarried and happily got a different surname to my children. My surname means very little to me in terms of "passing it down" as it is both boringly common and came from my dad's step-dad, but it is my name and I really don't want to give it up.
Where I come from, kids with double-barrelled surnames are no longer considered posh, but more likely to be from single parent families. Having a surname which is one half of your kids' surname is a dead giveaway that you're unmarried if you care about that kind of thing.

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