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Changing middle names(26 Posts)
I have a beautiful son who is now 14 months old. But I have had what appears to be called 'baby name remorse' which has been absolutely terrible. To anyone looking in it seems like such a minor thing - 'who cares about the middle name'. But it has kept me awake at night worrying about it. I want to post this to just warn other mums how it can make you feel. Also just have to voice this ....
We had agreed his full name before he was born - always a bit of a risk and I remember that the day my DH went to register him I was chasing him to the door whilst trying to breast feed shouting 'wait, it's not right, I'm not ready!' But it had already been announced and so I felt that I should stick with the plan and it will grow on me or he will grow into it. We chose 3 very unusual names. His first name being one we both loved. But my other alternative first name didn't go in. Stupid really but we said that if we had another and it was a boy then we would choose that name so lets not waste it on the middle names.
I would go through phases where I would feel fine and confident about our choice and then other times where I would almost be plunged into a depression thinking about it and obsessing over it. My hubby did not understand at all and refused to discuss it. I kept thinking 'its hormones, it's lack of sleep,' and time went on and of course the more time goes on the more you think, 'I can't change it now'. I really worried that it would affect bonding with my son, I worried that his name was too unusual - it felt foreign and distant, I worried I was loosing my marbles frankly. It's like a feeling that you've done your child an injustice and it hits you in the pit of your stomach when you think about it.
It's such a lonely experience because you can't discuss it with anyone because nobody understands. Nobody can relate at all and if you do try to talk about it people brush it under the carpet like you have committed a crime.
Well, apparently you have a year to change or amend the birth certificate but we missed that boat. It took me a long time to realise that things weren't going to change and the more my little boy grew and his character developed I felt even more that his names weren't him. Finally I asked my DH if we could change the middle names by deed poll and he said yes provided I stop banging on about it. So we did. It was very easy, weight lifted!
So ... We felt the grandparents should know. I knew it would be difficult telling them and they both got very upset about it. Mainly my dad who felt it was very wrong. My mum didn't like the new middle names either ...
I really hope that they will get used to it in time and maybe look back and laugh?! I am goin to be open and honest with my ds about it and hopefully it makes an interesting story for him. I hope that it doesn't create a teenage rebellion or anything. I just think that knowing him he will just smile and say ' aw, mum, what are you like!' And then go back to kicking his football. I hope so.
The one thing that has made me sane through this is reading threads on forums like this. There are so many other people out there with the same issues. Hope this will be helpful to somebody out there.
Jojokaty - I could have written your last post myself! That is exactly what I have been through over the past four years - with both my children's names. The obsession nearly took over my life, but with the right therapist and ads I've slowly managed to get through it. I'm much happier about their names now and looking back it was my anxieties manifesting themselves on the names. I've had an anxiety problem for many years, but all of this made me finally admit it to myself and seek help.
Currently thinking about possibility of a third child, but have huge concerns about drowning in those obsessive thoughts again!
Well done for getting that help - I'm so glad you are feeling so much better.
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