Surnames

[islandbaby]

Hey

Just wondered what all you other unmarried mums are doing about surnames.

I feel weird about giving my son the surname of his father instead of mine, but he is from quite a masculine culture (latin american/polynesian) and he feels strongly that his son should have his surname.

I don't really like double-barreled names, and I don't have any desire to take my partner's name just for the sake of convenience.

I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'd love to hear what other people did.

[fiordgirl]

Are you still together? If so I don't see it as an issue.

[mathanxiety]

Double barreling is the way to go, or including your surname as one of the DC's middle names as a second-best choice. You can have all sorts of difficulties if you travel, and even filling out paperwork and explaining your relationship to your own child otherwise.

Didn't come up initially in my own life, but I'm now stuck with exH's surname which I'm loathe to change because the DCs all bear it.

[islandbaby]

Yes, we are still together. It's an issue because I feel strange having a different surname from my child, and my partner feels the same.

It's not an Issue, as such, I am just canvassing opinions.

[madhattershouse]

All my kids have their dads surname. I do know of a friend who chose to have the girls have her surname and the boys their dads surname...I think that seems a little confusing. My girls have my names as their middle manes so I have kept some part of my family name alive.

[madhattershouse]

Was meant to say names...bad tempered wireless keyboard!!

[cloudydays]

I'm married but kept my name, and dd has my last name as her middle. I wanted her to have a name in common with me as well as her dad.

Luckily my surname is simple and easy to pronounce (i've even heard it used in this recent surname-as-first name trend) so it's a pretty good middle name.

I don't know if I would have been as happy with that idea if my surname had been more cumbersome. Maybe in that case I'd have gone with giving dd two middle names so that she had one she could use and one (the surname) that was just for paperwork and to console me that we had a name connection :)

I understand how you feel, it was important for me to share a name with her.

[SirBoobAlot]

We double-barrelled. If we hadn't DS would have had my name.

As much as you might not like them, I think you might be better double-barrelling. If neither of you are happy with your child just having the other persons name, it makes sense.

[Binkster]

Like Cloudydays, I kept my surname, although we're married. Our children will have both surnames - probably combined together to make one word rather than double barrelled. It's a tough one. My dh never expected us to use solely his name, but I have friends who are in the same position as you (who are stil debating it now, 2 weeks before the birth!) I would definitely put your name in their somewhere, even if it's as a middle name.

[RamblingRosa]

I went with DP's surname but only because I didn't feel that strongly about it and because I'd pretty much chosen DD's first name. I felt it would be a bigger deal for him if she didn't have his surname than it would for me. I do wonder about my decision though and I wish I'd put my name on the birth certificate too. It is a bit odd that I don't share a surname with her. Especially since my relationship with DP is rather rocky and I think that if we split up it would be odd for me and DD to have different names.

[Cher87]

I am planning to give my son my partners name as we areplanning to marry in 2012 and I am a little traditional and feel that he should have his dads name! :)

[minipie]

My mum kept her name on marriage and I have her surname as a middle name and my dad's as a surname.

Fast forward 30 odd years, I now have a dilemma as to which name my and DH's child should have - my mum's surname, my dad's surname, my DH's surname?

Will probably end up having DH's surname as a surname plus one of my names as a middle (my dad's surname if it's a boy, my mum's surname if it's a girl...)

Those who double barrel or give their children their surname as a middle name - please be aware of the dilemmas you are creating for your children!

[sallyseton]

Gave them my surname. Didn't change it when we got married- he could change his to mine or double-barrell if he likes, he still might get around to it one day. I am still Ms. MySurname, like I have always been. Objected to having to advertise the fact that I am married with Mrs. and to me, my name has always been a pretty central part of my identity, so why should I change that?

I am end of my name-line and these things matter more to me than dh, who has a very common surname. Mine is very lovely and has a lot of history, unusual too.

I also have my mother's name and it is important to me to keep the tradition alive.

Luckily dh knows that it is just a name, one that matters to me much more than it does to him.

[CakeandRoses]

We double-barrelled (as did I) even tho we're married.

[kveta]

We used DH's surname - we were engaged, so it made sense. Now we all have the same surname (married 3 weeks ago), and I am double barrelled at work but Dr. DH's surname elsewhere! If we have another boy he'll get my maiden name as a middle name, but otherwise, my brother and 2 male cousins will keep the surname alive.

DH and I did debate both taking my surname (it's WAY easier to spell than his! plus is a very popular surname-as-firstname), but as we live far away from his family, and rarely see his dad, we thought we'd stick with tradition, rather than risk upsetting and alienating FIL.

[marge2]

So many of the unmarried Mums I know have separated from the dads of the kids and so now have different surnames to their kids. Obvioulsy everyone has their own circumstances, and I am expecting a flaming here, but I reckon that if the Dad didn't love me enough or wasn't certin enough of our future together to marry me, then I would not be prepared to give the children his name. 'Simple as' from my own point of view. If you did get married later he could adopt them to change the name to his.

[120]

I am another who gave my maiden name as their second middle name so they are

name name my surname his surname.

Think it's about how it sounds. This way is a very old fashioned way to do it though, current vogue is double barrelling it. Wasn't keen on that for us though.

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

I'm married but kept my own name. In our case the DCs do have DH's surname, but because I don't like mine much (and it's a pain to find first names to go with) so wouldn't give it to them on its own and our names sound silly double-barrelled (because one's a noun and one's an adjective). If not for that we would have double-barrelled and let the DCs decide later.

The noun-adjective thing means I also haven't given my name as a middle but I have given them family names from my side of the family as middle names.

In your position I would double-barrel.

[lindamouse]

Gave DD dad's surname but we were plannning to get married at some stage, but YES it did feel a bit strange DD having a different surname than me in the years before we got married, especially starting school etc.

[RamblingRosa]

Marge, your post implies that the woman would want to get married and that the only thing that would prevent it is the man not wanting to. I'm in the opposite position. DP has always wanted to get married but I've always refused. So it's not about him not loving me enough

[Sunlightdances]

I've got a double-barrelled surname from my paternal great-great-grandparents, and his surname is awful! We were thinking of creating a new surname if/when we get married or have children.

Unfortunately, when we squish our surnames together, the best one that came up is 'Haddock'. Um. No.

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

My mother knew a family surnamed Haddock who were very insistent that it be pronounced "Haydock"...

[PaigeTurner]

I've never been in a relationship with my baby's dad - therefore DC will take my surname and have his first name as a middle name.

Also, although the father is involved (at the moment) he doesn't want to be identified.

And I couldn't bear going through life being called Mrs 'XXXXXXX' by mistake all the time.

[nickelbabe]

prof!

we've decided that we'll amalgamate our surnames into a new surname (it doesn't double-barrell very well, but if it did we would do that instead)
it's not the best name, but it's a darn sight better than DH's name (and if we don't use his, we're not allowed to use mine)

i think the best way to go is double-barrelling, as it means that you both get your surnames as the child's surname.

[marge2]

Hi Rosa,

I did actually originall type out and then delete a sentence saying .." and also if you dont love the dad enough to marry him, or are not certain of the future together..etc.." But I deleted it as it sounded a bit waffly when I read it back and I thought it was rather stating the obvious. Sorry.

I would still always want the same surname as my kids...but that's just me. 99% of the time it's ME who has to speak to teachers, fill in forms, register for things, speaks to the doctor for my kids and all that stuff - so much easier if we all have the same name.

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

It's never given me a problem at all, though. If I'm calling someone I don't know I say "This is Professor LaytonIsMyLoveSlave, Childsname DHsName's mother...", forms tend to ask for both parents' names anyway, and official communications come addressed to "The Parent or Guardian of [child's name]".

No one has ever fallen off their chair in shock at the idea that I could have a different surname from the DCs and I can count on one hand the number of times that anyone other than a cold caller has slipped up and called me Mrs DHsName.

Although, in general, I do support a child having the same last name (either in whole or in part) as his/her mother. If I'd got my mother's original (lovely and distinctive) surname rather than my father's (dull and annoying) surname then it would have been in the DCs' surnames somewhere. I might work it in as a middle name for DC3.