To ask how the frick I am pregnant?

(125 Posts)
Arachnophobic Mon 17-Feb-14 02:39:42

I had a copper coil fitted in 2012 after Ds2 was born. Has worked well for us until I smelled a rat this week and my worst fears were confirmed when I found out I was pregnant shock

I am so annoyed at having to go through this and an inevitable termination - I would have so loved three in an ideal world but DH and I know that the financial and emotional burden would be too overwhelming, so as far as that's concerned, the decision has been made.

Has anyone else experienced or been through this?

RunRabbit Mon 17-Feb-14 02:47:59

Do you use other contraception, like a condom, or just rely on the coil?

Arachnophobic Mon 17-Feb-14 02:51:42

I just relied on the coil.

YankeeMum8 Mon 17-Feb-14 03:23:28

I'm so sorry. Nothing is 100%. Awful for you to have to go through this though.

LettertoHermioneGranger Mon 17-Feb-14 03:37:05

I'm sorry op. The coil is supposed to be the next best thing to sterilization, but I know pregnancies do happen. Have you been to a doctor or just POAS? I only ask as the risk of ectopic is higher with a coil, and it's advised to get a scan asap.

Kytti Mon 17-Feb-14 03:55:42

I'm a bit surprised you're putting this on MN with a flippant 'I'll have a get a termination'.

Really? How distasteful to discuss something like this on AIBU like a joke? I'm so sorry you can't make the financial sacrifices to keep your baby, if you want three, have three. Don't blame your lack of finances, people can always find the money somehow. Just admit a third baby won't suit your lifestyle.

Nothing is 100%. Nothing. Unless you have your womb removed, there's always a chance you can get pregnant.


MsPavlichenko Mon 17-Feb-14 04:14:31

Sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, it is not easy dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Can I just also say, that you should get scanned asap just in case it is ectopic, as this will impact on whatever you decide to do. Thinking of you.

Andypipkin Mon 17-Feb-14 04:14:46

Kytti, your 'advice' is rather irresponsible and judgemental. The OP didn't want to get pregnant, hence using contraception.
It is unusual OP, but no contraception is 100% reliable, sorry you have to go through this though.

Arachnophobic Mon 17-Feb-14 05:44:26

Thanks all, yes I appreciate nothing is 100% so DH will be booked in for a procedure as well while I am at the doctors today (his request!). Wow, some people can be so harsh on here! But thanks to everyone else.

Kytti Mon 17-Feb-14 06:07:01

Harsh? Hm. About as harsh as saying (insert amusing emoticon) OMG I'm pregnant! How did that ever happen? Perhaps if your tone had been less flippant I could take your post seriously.

Oh drat, it failed, "Oh I'd love a baby but won't be able to cope so I'll get rid."

Yeah. That's harsh. Don't go asking for opinions on the WORLD WIDE WEB if you don't want to hear it.

NewBlueCoat Mon 17-Feb-14 06:11:16

Please do get checked ASAP in case it is ectopic.

I'm sorry this has happened and I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

AnyFuleKno Mon 17-Feb-14 06:24:02

Kytti you are well out of order. I see no jokey tone at all, and it's the OPs decision. Not for anyone else to decide what she should do. We're not going to be there got the next 18 years supporting emotionally and financially. I respectfully suggest you wind your neck in.

mrscog Mon 17-Feb-14 06:31:41

Kytti I think you're reading something in to the op that's not even there. Go and have a lie down or something.

Op sorry you've got to go through this, it's bit what you expect with a coil - after all having one fitted after sex is a form of contraception in itself so to be in the 'coil failure group' of 0.1% is very unlucky.

Jengnr Mon 17-Feb-14 06:31:41

Kytti what a horrible post.

paxtecum Mon 17-Feb-14 06:35:17

OP: Please ignore Kytti's comments, some people are just horrible.

The coil is not 100%.

Get sterilised. It is a very easy procedure using keyhole surgery.

Best wishes to you.

scaevola Mon 17-Feb-14 06:36:31

OP: I think you need to get this moved out of AIBU ASAP.

You definitely need to get checked as the risk of ectopic is increased when you have a coil in, they will get you scanned ASAP and then you can discuss your options. Sorry this has happened op it must be really hard for you knowing you would love another one. What has dh said?

Bunbaker Mon 17-Feb-14 06:51:52

"Really? How distasteful to discuss something like this on AIBU like a joke?"

That was uncalled for Kytti. You might not understand why some women are desperate not to have a baby, but there was no need to be so unkind.

EverythingIsAwesome Mon 17-Feb-14 06:54:12

Kytti, I think you have an agenda here, and would be better posting elsewhere and staying off the OPs thread.

OP, I found myself in a similar situation, with the the mirena coil. I decided to continue with the pregnancy though, after they thought it was ecptopic & operated to remove my tube - found out they were wrong & baby was in fact growing in my womb. DS is 6 now.

Terrible situation you are in, I feel for you. If I found myself pregnant now, I would be devastated. Hand holding, if you need it.

99redbafoons Mon 17-Feb-14 06:57:14

I'm really sorry you are facing this and I'm also sorry you have to read bizzare posts such as Kytti. It's easy to hide behind the internet and throw out insults, accidents happen and you do not have to have a baby if you don't think that's right for you.

Tailtwister Mon 17-Feb-14 07:01:03

Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for OP and the very difficult situation she finds herself in, I do think perhaps we might see past our own noses regarding Kytti's post. We don't know what's going on in her life and her reaction may be coloured by her own difficult experiences. I can see why she's reacted in the way she has if that is the case.

NutcrackerFairy Mon 17-Feb-14 07:01:10

I don't want to be judgemental but have to say I also found the OPs tone a little flippant "I am so annoyed that I will have to have the inevitable termination".

It's not that you want or need a termination OP, I think it's that you're just annoyed about it.

Maybe that doesn't make much sense but it's a little hard to read if you're someone who is struggling to get pregnant and doesn't make me feel very sympathetic.

Arachnophobic Mon 17-Feb-14 07:03:37

I wondered that tailtwister, not that I feel her nastiness was warranted.

Mouthfulofquiz Mon 17-Feb-14 07:03:43

Kytti quite obviously has other issues going on.
I really feel for you. Get to the the docs ASAP and have a long chat with your husband about what happens next. You'll need a lot if support from him either way....

jacks365 Mon 17-Feb-14 07:04:02

Of course the op is allowed to be annoyed, she took steps to prevent this and it failed anyone would be annoyed.

SpanielFace Mon 17-Feb-14 07:04:26

I conceived DS with a copper coil. Like you, I was utterly gobsmacked. We hadn't been certain if we wanted children, but it made the decision for us. They are not as reliable as Mirena, and I've now heard quite a few stories like this on here. sad So sorry, must be an awful situation to be in.

kytti - did you read a different op to the rest of us? Your comments are totally unhelpful.

Op - I hope you get the support you need today.

UptheChimney Mon 17-Feb-14 07:18:01

Harsh? Hm. About as harsh as saying (insert amusing emoticon) OMG I'm pregnant! How did that ever happen? Perhaps if your tone had been less flippant I could take your post seriously

Kytti, you sound like an insensitive clodhopper here. Maybe the OP sounds "flippant" because she is putting a brave face on a very difficult situation. She's trying to be upbeat about something she's taken steps specifically to avoid.

A termination is a legal medical procedure. So STFU with your judgements.

HadABadDay2014 Mon 17-Feb-14 07:27:52

Did you not read I pregnancy and another baby would be overwhelming

I would wait a few days to let it sink in, a termination is a very big decision.

HadABadDay2014 Mon 17-Feb-14 07:31:00

Is the coil still there. The only reason I ask is because I had one go missing and it was only when I went for a smear it was noticed.

Wetoopere Mon 17-Feb-14 07:34:06

I assumed the termination was inevitable due to the coil.

MammaTJ Mon 17-Feb-14 07:36:46

I supported a friend through the same situation, preg on coil, no way she could have any more children, so as soon as the positive test was done, decision to have a termination was made!

It sound easy and flippant , maybe! It wasn't though! She was thinking what was best for the DC she already had!

oliviaoctopus Mon 17-Feb-14 07:38:23

This has just happened and we are keeping the baby. Dh only has to look at me and I manage to get pregnant. This is our 5th and we are both 29, but 2 were miscarriages.

If you want 3 are you really sure you cant keep it?

WelshMaenad Mon 17-Feb-14 07:41:44

Fuck off Kytti.

I'm so sorry OP. If we fell pregnant again we would make the same decision, two is our limit for a lot of reasons however much I'd have liked more in an ideal world.

I hope it's not too awful.

Wet it's not inevitable. I got pregnant with mirena in and ds is 1 now. It is more risky in the early days though.

RedFocus Mon 17-Feb-14 07:45:19

Hope your doctors appointment goes well op and you get everything sorted in a speedy manner. My husband has had the snip and he had no problems at all.
Terminations are emotionally awful but luckily you have the support of your husband and you will be fine. Good luck.

Charlie97 Mon 17-Feb-14 07:50:24

Oh what a total nightmare! As others have said, get checked ASAP!

After that, don't rush into any decision, give yourself a couple of days to make a decision.

Good luck and keep well x

Joysmum Mon 17-Feb-14 07:54:19

Sorry you have to put up with poster's who are professionally offended and put their feelings of annoyance at the wording above your own emotional rollercoaster.

I do have a friend who got pregnant with a copper coil, but a number more for whom condoms let them down.

FanFuckingTastic Mon 17-Feb-14 08:01:12

People have reasons why they can't have babies, using contraception and indicating she needs a termination does not mean she is flippant at all. Some people are at very high risk should they get pregnant, like myself, of becoming incredibly ill and unable to care even for themselves, never mind existing children. I think people need to back off with their opinions and feelings and either answer the OPs question or think about how she might be feeling, instead of making it about what they think.

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 08:02:41

Kytti This is the op's reality, if you find it distasteful, kindly piss off.

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 08:05:39

OP, I was in your position. Terminated when my dd was 6mths old.

I didn't want three, contraception failed us. It was the right move for us & now, several years later I have no regrets & feel relief daily that I did not go ahead.

JapaneseMargaret Mon 17-Feb-14 08:05:46

Look, women get pregnant. Adult women in relationships with men get pregnant, even when they take active steps to avoid conception. It happens.

Some women want to get pregnant and can't. Other women find themselves pregnant when the idea of same is horrendous. Being extremely upset in either of these scenarios is equally valid. It just is.

Unless you're the pope, you cannot expect human beings to abstain from sex so as not to run the risk of having to have an abortion.

The OP may, arguably, have been flippant in the wording of the OP, but anyone with an ounce of insight can see that this is a pretty awful situation for her, even if it might not be for (generic) you.

If you suspect that reading about someone not being happy about finding themselves pregnant might upset you (which is totally understandable and fine), then it's easy enough to avoid the thread.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 08:08:26

Are you reading a different OP to me kytti?confused I just see panic and shock.


SarahAndFuck Mon 17-Feb-14 08:16:32

OP I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I hope you will be okay.

Electryone Mon 17-Feb-14 08:17:23

What a nasty and judgemental post Kytii who clearly has some sort of issue and agenda here. No, money cant always be found, so ignorant to.

Annakin31 Mon 17-Feb-14 08:23:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 08:25:01

The op has made it clear that she is going to have a termination for her own reasons, can we focus on helping her with that & not trying to change her mind, please? The op is aware that she could continue with this pregnancy, but factors in her life do not permit that.

It is not the op's fault that some women can't get pregnant & we can't stop people starting threads about unwanted pregnancies/terminations in case someone isn't able to conceive.

We also can't expect every woman who finds them self unexpectedly pregnant to continue with their pregnancy, because some women can't conceive.

I am truly sorry that there are women who find themselves childless for whatever reason, but I am damned if I will compromise my life & my children's lives & bring an unwanted child into this world just because I fell pregnant. Like a pp said, we are not going to be there in years to come to help with financial & emotional assistance so not one of us have a right to tell the op what to do.

scaevola Mon 17-Feb-14 08:30:21

There is a topic Antenatal Tests and Choices where you might find posters more willing to share experiences than AIBU (though of course both topic are open to everyone and anyone in the world).

In AIBU, people might say YABU, and this has happened here. And of course the thread is now as much about that as whether the OP has needs. Because not everyone agrees with termination, and in AIBU it is OK to say that.

OP: if you want a supportive thread, get this out of AIBU.

WeAreDetective Mon 17-Feb-14 08:32:30

Ooh, this is always going to be a very sensitive subject full of emotion. That's one of the reasons we have mumsnet, to offer support.

Op, I hope you have not been put off seeking support.

kytti, I think you need to steer clear of threads where you cannot provide kindness and understanding. Perhaps look to a place on MN where you could get the support you clearly need?

sarahquilt Mon 17-Feb-14 08:32:36

I think you're being very sensible getting a termination for financial reasons. Don't listen to those judgemental people!

scaevola Mon 17-Feb-14 08:33:59

Oh, and one of the reasons for having a separate topic for supportive threads about termination is so that those who are in a bad place and the whole subject is triggering can easily hide it.

Putting them in main boards is probably not a deliberate act of I consideration, but it has that effect.

(OK: that's now 3 posts urging this to be moved, so I'll stop there. We'll see soon enough if OP wants the support of the relevant subject forum, or the mixed bag of AIBU).

sarahquilt Mon 17-Feb-14 08:36:25

I would do the same in your shoes. I'd rather give 2 kids a good life than just keep popping them out.

sarahquilt Mon 17-Feb-14 08:36:45

I would do the same in your shoes. I'd rather give 2 kids a good life than just keep popping them out.

Littlefish Mon 17-Feb-14 08:44:33

OP - please have this thread moved out of AIBU - it really isn't the place for it.

Arachnophobic Mon 17-Feb-14 08:48:05

Hello all, thanks to all of those providing support. I am grateful and did not mean to sound flippant. It has been a hard decision to take.

I posted here as there is more traffic, and in doing so knew that some may get upset. Not a problem, they're entitled to their views.

I knew of the pregnancy forum, but didn't want to post there for obvious reasons, now I know about the termination forum I will request this post be moved.

Once again, thanks all xxxx

MauriceMinor Mon 17-Feb-14 08:48:47

This is AIBU.

People are allowed to take issue.

Some people consider abortion to be wrong.

Saying things like "this is the OP's reality" and "none of your business" is ridiculous. This is a public talk forum. People will give their opinions. They are not horrible and nasty for disagreeing with you.

The OP did not come across as someone in turmoil, though she may well be. The "inevitable termination" comment is obviously going to be distasteful to some people.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 08:52:52

A termination is inevitable if you find yourself in a susurration where pregnancy will be financially and emotionally over whelming

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 08:53:20


Arachnophobic Mon 17-Feb-14 08:53:55

Not in turmoil? Just because a decision has been made that doesn't mean I am not in turmoil Maurice. Read the post again.

UptheChimney Mon 17-Feb-14 08:54:31

Good luck, OP. I really admire your no-nonsense, straightforward approach. These sorts of decisions are hard enough, without people going all moralistic.

WeAreDetective Mon 17-Feb-14 08:57:38

Maurice, that is really a pointless and unnecessary post to write. Why do that?

Just having your AIBU 'fun'?? hmm

Agree with getting it moved. Good luck x

PoorOldCat Mon 17-Feb-14 09:03:34

I'm scared of being in the same situation OP, I have three, and would have liked more children but am rubbish at pregnancy and it has a huge impact on the others when I am that ill.

I don't see myself ever having sex again at present as I am on my own, but if I ever do then avoiding pregnancy will be at the top of my list every time.

I'm told not even sterilisation is foolproof. I intend to have it done though at some point, probably.

I hate the idea of abortion and haven't ever gone ahead with it though I considered it due to various things...babies are wonderful, and always seemed the better option to me but I can understand where you are coming from.

I wish you all the best.

SeptemberFlowers Mon 17-Feb-14 09:03:47

I too fell pregnant on the mirena coil.

As soon as I found out, I phoned DH and said "We've talked about this before, are you still comfortable for me to go ahead with the termination ?"

I too would have loved another dc but we are stretched as it is.

thanks To you, and anyone who wants to judge can do one.

Sparklingbrook Mon 17-Feb-14 09:03:59

Arachnophobic ignore the vile comments on here. I hope you are ok. x

Abbierhodes Mon 17-Feb-14 09:07:28

"I posted here as there is more traffic, and in doing so knew that some may get upset. "

So you knew there were people on here who find abortion upsetting, and yet you posted anyway? Selfish.

MN has an ante natal choices section for a reason- so that people who are possibly suffering from a loss or struggling with infertility don't have to be confronted with mentions of abortion.

Your thread title did sound jokey, and didn't indicate that it would be about a termination.

DarlingGrace Mon 17-Feb-14 09:10:15

If you want a third baby, you'll make it work. You'll regret it if you do terminate

RescueCack Mon 17-Feb-14 09:20:58

Don't be hasty with the termination. It's not inevitable yet, although your GP may recommend one depending on the placement (ectopic etc). You can choose. Inevitable sounds like you have no choice, and that isn't true.

oliviaoctopus Mon 17-Feb-14 09:29:38

If you want the baby op it will work out. I was booked in for an abortion last week but cancelled it and Im really pleased I did now. We cant wait for the baby.

MargotLovedTom Mon 17-Feb-14 09:32:49

Ffs, you'd think a termination involves slaying a cute, cuddly newborn baby the way some people go on. The right to abortion has been hard won, and I wonder if these people would prefer to go back to the days of back street abortions with all the attendant horrors that went with that.

Look at what's happening in some states in the USA with the erosion of womens rights over their bodies. I for one am very appreciative of the laws we have in this country.

Good luck OP, and I'm pleased to hear your DH is booking in for a vasectomy, that should be a relief (and yes, before someone points it out - I know that's not 100% effective either).

sparechange Mon 17-Feb-14 09:33:00

DarlingGrace, how can you know what the OP will or will not think in the future.
Vile for you to push your own agenda on her.

sebsmummy1 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:34:57

Nice place to put this topic OP. Particularly as you knew members who are struggling to conceive or currently miscarrying their much wanted babies would read it.

Booboostoo Mon 17-Feb-14 09:37:06

What a shock for you OP! We all know no method of contraception is 100% safe but you never think it's going to happen to you. I got pregnant two weeks after stoping the pill I had been taking for 10 years, when a condom broke and the morning after pill failed to work - sounds made up doesn't? Unfortunately it wasn't. I had even forgotten having done the pregnancy test when the GP called with the (unwelcome) news.

Take a few days for the news to sink in and do what is best for you and your family. I never regretted my decision to terminate.

Booboostoo Mon 17-Feb-14 09:38:31

And may I add I am currently pregnant (with much wanted) DC2 after trying for quite a while and I still don't take other people's decision to terminate personally! What a bizarre attitude to take!

whatever5 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:41:27

I'm sorry that this has happened and I hope it's not an ectopic pregnancy. It seems such as shame that you intend to have a termination if you would have loved to have three children though....

Ugh my worst fear too.... I'd also 'flippantly' decide to terminate due to our circs. Because obvs it really is that easy.

I'm so sorry op. So very sorry. Thinking of u xxx

5madthings Mon 17-Feb-14 09:53:20

there is no rule that says threads about termination must but put in the ante natal tests and choices board and it may not be a board the op is famoliar with.

the op knew she wd get more traffic in aibu...its a shame that people insist on seeong it as a fight club and being snipey and unthoughtful when the op is obviously about a sensitive issue.

op i am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, you sound clear on your decision. just look after yourself op, a termination sounds the right choice but you can still be angry/upset/annoyed at this situation, let yourself process those feelinhs ans be kind to yourself. xx

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 10:00:31

sebsmummy1 As I said before, that is NOT the op's fault or problem right now.

Miscarrying is hard, horrible, heartbreaking, whatever you want to call it.
Not being able to get pregnant is hard, horrible, heartbreaking etc.

Being pregnant when you want to be is hard, horrible & heartbreaking etc.

It's not a competition. This is not about who is suffering more.

And you can't ask the op to be aware of every single poster on here who may be facing any of the above.

sebsmummy1 Mon 17-Feb-14 10:00:58

OP decided to post in a flippant manner about a sensitive subject, on a Parenting Board mainly populated by Mothers, in an area of the board that is knowingly contentious. Yet we must clutch at our pearls that some people feel a little upset.

I'm not sure if anyone else bothers to customise their viewing, but I spent some time making sure that certain sections were hidden from view so I didn't read any triggering titles.

I feel a bit stronger now so I'm more pissed off than likely to throw myself off a tall building. I just wanted to say that I thought it was insensitive. But there you go. Who gives a shit.

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 10:02:44

Being pregnant when you don't want to be is hard, horrible & heartbreaking etc.

5madthings Mon 17-Feb-14 10:09:17

the op hasnt been flippant at all.

and now who is being flippant "more pissed off than likely to throw myself off a tall building"" ffs.

the thread has the word preg in the title. its an aibu about pregnancy. given you are sensitive about pregnancy you didnt have to click and read the thread.

sorry but no-one had made you the thread police. this is the www and you may see stuff you dont want.

infertility/miscarriage etc is awful but so is being pregnant when you dont want to be and havimg to face a termination.

sweetkitty Mon 17-Feb-14 10:11:37

For us another pregnancy would be a disaster (I'm very ill when pregnant) I getting too old and have 4 DCs as it is.

We are going "double Dutch or belt and braces" DP booked in for a vasectomy and I'm on the POP, if I couldn't take the pull I would be sterilised as well that's how sure I am of not wanting another.

I personally couldn't have an abortion if I were to become pregnant again hence doing everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen.

But I support a woman's right to have an abortion on demand if she doesn't want to be pregnant.

OP sorry your in this predicament, not a nice place to be.

aGirlDownUnder1 Mon 17-Feb-14 10:11:40

Hello OP, I can't offer you any advice but I would just like to say please ignore these horrible comments. Good luck x

LoopyDoopyDoo Mon 17-Feb-14 10:14:18

You knew it would upset some people. That's not nice. Did you want to upset people?

"I posted here as there is more traffic, and in doing so knew that some may get upset. Not a problem, they're entitled to their views."

Coconutty Mon 17-Feb-14 10:15:43

It's in the wrong topic.

People who feel strongly about this subject will have seen it and have obviously been upset by it.

I don't have any advice OP but get it moved to a more suitable topic and then get the support you need.

MothratheMighty Mon 17-Feb-14 10:19:50

Perhaps a warning in the title that it might be triggering for some?
Because I wasn't expecting the OP to be so flippant, but at least if you are annoyed and have already made the decision, it should be easier for you than someone who might have had more worries and doubts about what to do.
I think Kitti may be hurting.
You have a plan.
You are sure.
Good luck.

hokhoihioh Mon 17-Feb-14 10:23:18

I think you need to get this moved OP.

I'm sorry for your situation, and I'm pro choice, but your matter of fact tone and firm decidedness with regards to the termination and situation took my breath away for a second (though realise is how I've interpreted it and not necessarily true).

Good luck, hope all goes well

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 10:24:28

I read the matter of fact tone as someone who is on a situation where she has no choicesad

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 10:24:42

In not on

Dawndonnaagain Mon 17-Feb-14 10:25:25

I hope all goes well for you OP.

Regarding posting on the web etc. The same rules apply as do to television, if you don't like it, change rooms, turn it off. You don't have to say anything at all, so as many of us say to our children, if you have nothing nice to say to someone who is having to make a distressing decision, then don't say anything.

Samu2 Mon 17-Feb-14 10:26:42

I fell pregnant on the coil.

It was in place and everything. They removed it and told me I would likely miscarry.

She is 5 years old now.

I booked in for a termination but changed my mind at the last minute.

It is almost as close as sterilisation so I understand the shock. It was an awful time for me.

Please go check it isn't ectopic ASAP.

If you do by any chance change your mind and go ahead with the pregnancy you need the coil removed ASAP. There is a much higher chance of miscarrying for the first 12 weeks but if you don;'t remove it the chances of prem birth and even still birth increases a lot.

BTW I am not trying to change your mind, just giving you that information incase you do or others find themselves in this situation. If I was to get pregnant now I would have to terminate, no doubt about it.

I am really sorry you are in this position. Best wishes to you and I hope you find lots of support through this.

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 10:28:43

Shall we stop discussing how it is in the wrong place (op has acknowledged that) and start offering op advice? Or if we can;t offer op advice, hide the thread & read something else?

To turn a support thread into a thread about the rights & wrongs of posting in a certain place is not really in the spirit of MN, is it?

I would be surprised if the op comes back now, all the support has been overtaken by petty fighting!

god, how awful. I've heard about this happening but didn't realise it actually DID, if you know what I mean, what a nightmare situation - hope it goes okay for you.

MothratheMighty Mon 17-Feb-14 10:32:02

Dawndonna, the title doesn't give much of a clue, and by the time you've read the OP, you can't unread it. For everyone that's posted here, there may well be a couple of hundred who read the OP, didn't respond but who are shocked and in tears.
It doesn't invalidate the OP's practical response to a problem, but I was expecting something exasperated and more light-hearted from the title.
If there is a section for terminations, the thread could be moved.

MothratheMighty Mon 17-Feb-14 10:34:10

What advice does she need?
Get it checked out to see if the pregnancy is ectopic
Get coil removed
Have termination, OH books in for the snip.
Resume sexual relationship with a heightened awareness and reduced risk.

fancyanotherfez Mon 17-Feb-14 10:34:53

The OP has said she would have loved another child in an ideal world, but it's not an ideal world! She's not being forced into having a termination, she is not presumably having a termination because she can't afford 3 lots of piano lessons, she is having one because it is not an ideal world, and never will be. The mother and existing family takes priority over a foetus morally and in law. The OP has her existing family to consider. She doesn't sound flippant at all!

Samu2 Mon 17-Feb-14 10:37:35

I don't see why it should be removed or changed.

Every thread here has the ability to upset someone.

I might get upset when I read threads about people moaning about their fathers when I don't have one for example. Or people moaning about normal childhood behaviour when mine have special needs.

I am sure most of us have read threads here that have upset us for one reason or another. This is no different.

The OP might have got better support if she posted it elsewhere but it is done now.

I've had a termination and it just makes me feel all the worse for OP. I understand it's upsetting but not offensive. I think the title makes her situation clear enough that if you don't want to risk reading about a solution to an unplanned pregnancy, don't click on it.

CointreauVersial Mon 17-Feb-14 10:40:30

I am a failed coil (back in the 1960s married women didn't get terminations).

These things happen.

I hope you can deal with it in the best way for you and your family, OP.

Back2Basics Mon 17-Feb-14 10:41:36

OP I recently terminated my third pregnancy. I couldn't financially have another let alone emotionally. I wanted to give the two I already have my time energy and money.

I'm not saying it was easy I've cried and cried tbh and I was quite pragmatic until it was done. But realistically it would of impacted to much on my dc and I chose to put them first. I don't regret it although I wish things could of been different to at the same time.

Stockhausen Mon 17-Feb-14 10:43:00

Hope it's all resolved soon OP thanks

I have the mirena coil & getting pregnant would be a disaster.

I say that as someone who went through hell trying to have a baby, including two losses. So it's all relative.

Back2Basics Mon 17-Feb-14 10:44:46

Oh and there are so many POAS threads that are in chat and AIBU I fail to see the difference for people TTC in those threads and this for upsetting wise.

I have no idea why people open up threads they know will hurt and offend them.

bighairmistake Mon 17-Feb-14 10:50:09

The copper coil has a failure rate of 0.8%, obviously small as a percentage but considering that thousands of women are using it then you have to accept there is a chance you'd get pg on it. The hormonal IUD has a smaller failure rate of 0.2% within the first year of use, so a better option. Male sterilization has a failure rate of 0.15% in the first year of typical use yet the implant has a smaller failure rate of 0.05% so that would be my option if getting pg was going to be an absolute disaster.

DejaVuAllOverAgain Mon 17-Feb-14 10:54:12

I don't think the OP was being flippant. I read it as someone who is understandably angry and upset at being put in the position she is in especially as she has taken responsibility for contraception.

OP I can't offer any advice not already given but take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

Sortyourmakeupout Mon 17-Feb-14 10:54:26

I have to say when I read ops post I too thought her comment was a bit flippant.

when my husband and I decided we couldnt afford/want anymore children we decided he would get sterilised.

mabe its time to think of something more permanent as no contraception is 100% and another pregnancy would also end in a termination.

worriedmum100 Mon 17-Feb-14 11:02:24

OP, I can't offer any advice but I just wanted to say that I am currently mid miscarriage after getting pg following fertility treatment and 2 years of trying. I'm not offended by your post. Both situations suck. I hope you will be ok.

Sortyourmakeupout Mon 17-Feb-14 11:06:19

Margot-your comment about a termination slaying a newborn cuddly baby is disgusting.

if a termination isnt had thats exactly what it will be.

Fannydabbydozey Mon 17-Feb-14 11:10:17

Gulp. I have the mirena, and even though I know nothing is 100 % effective, I would be horrified if I got pregnant. I'm getting chills thinking about it. I have two kids and I love them with all my heart, body and soul, but a baby now would mean we'd probably lose our home. Not exaggerating. It would have a huge effect on our finances and there's no wiggle room there at all right now...

I got pregnant whilst on the pill (DS - I had DV... Never thought...) and with a condom (Dd - god knows how that one happened. Due to work travel, we only had sex the once that month, that's how I knew it was a failed condom). Oh god. I don't know now how i thought I was so safe on the coil. This thread has really got me thinking.

I really feel for you. Obviously you know your situation. I would have to have a termination too. And really, how often are decisions like that taken lightly? I had a termination many years ago and don't regret it at all. It was the right thing to do at the time. I've been judged by friends since and it always pisses me off that they assume I made the decision without a second thought.

Get yourself checked out ASAP.

scurries off to find a chastity belt and maybe some kid of drug for DH to render him incapable of shagging

VeryStressedMum Mon 17-Feb-14 11:19:08

OP you have the right to do what ever you feel is the best for you and your family. Women have the right to abortion whatever some people think. They have the right to their opinion and also the right and freedom to never abort their child but I don't think any woman should be made to feel they are wrong in their choice.

I don't agree with abortion FOR MYSELF however that's my choice for my life. I'm very much pro choice.
I don't expect anyone to tell me what I should do or what my choices in life should be and I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone else.

I wish you all the best OP.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 11:31:15

Sort-sterilisation isn't 100% safe either.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 11:32:16

Actually,I take that back, I'm not sure about sterilisation,I was speaking of vasectomy. Crossed wires!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 11:35:59

After a quick google, it seems it's not.

The OP was about the coil failure and the mention of termination just established that it was a decision already made and not the point of the discussion. There is nothing illegal or immoral about it and people having one do not need to hide away from other people in special areas.

Namechngedforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 11:53:41

I think people are confusing pragmatic with flippant. Just because she doesn't want to air her emotions on here doesn't mean the decision wasn't incredibly difficult for her.

I am childless, I had a termination 2 years ago following a contraceptive failure. There was never any question of having the baby. I was back at work the following day and now I barely ever think about it. I realise it is different for the op as she mentioned wanting three children but some people are good at compartmentalising situations and emotions and shouldn't be judged for it.

Op, I am sorry this has happened to you, you appear to be dealing with it as well as you can. The best of luck for the future.

Christ I loathe the self centred idiots who pull the whole "how dare you talk about abortion when others can't conceive" bullshit. Yes, it's shit not being able to conceive, it is also shit being pregnant when it isn't wanted, and it's shit being pregnant when it's wanted but not possible. Hate this stupid competition to see who has it worse. As for the whole "it might upset people", loads of things upset people. Funnily enough I'm a bit upset when I read of people being able to bring their babies home, or when I read of people having pleasant pregnancies and non-traumatic births, but I'm not self important enough to think it's someone else's problem. It's mine and mine alone. I know I can't go through life never seeing things that trigger me, so I just have to learn to walk away when things do. In an ideal world I'd never see those things in the first place, but it's not an ideal world and I can't expect others to candy coat it for me.

OP hope you are ok, it can't be easy for you at the moment. I haven't been through it, but can understand your position. I also know that if I were to get pregnant again it would be an "inevitable termination", and with two contraception failures already I am aware that I could end up in the same situation as you. So have a little idea how you are probably feeling. Look after yourself.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 17-Feb-14 12:21:13

Hi everyone,

We're going to move this to Antenatal tests/choices at the request of the OP.

Meerka Mon 17-Feb-14 17:54:01

MNHQ can you also clean up the thread a bit so the OP can get some support, not this awful arguing that really will not help her at all?

arachna I am sorry to hear you've found yoruself in this horrible position. I hope you are ok and that you and your husband can be there for each other during this time. I know that under no circumstances could we cope with a third and are currently looking into options, we would be forced into the same decision.


Abbierhodes Mon 17-Feb-14 18:10:49

Meerka, there have been no personal attacks, so I'd be shocked if any posts were deleted. The OP posted in AIBU and got a discussion.
She clearly stated that she knew she would upset people- for this reason, think she 'got off lightly' for want of a better phrase.
Had she posted in this section in the first place I'm sure she'd have had nothing but support.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 17-Feb-14 18:15:46

She has hardly 'got off lightly'hmm

Abbierhodes Mon 17-Feb-14 18:30:14

hmm hmm hmm back at you! <sticks out tongue>

Can you point out any personal attacks to me? Because I've seen a few people saying she's being too flippant, a few who disagree with abortion and some who were just annoyed by her assertion that she knew people may be upset but didn't care.

Sparklingbrook Mon 17-Feb-14 18:36:54

This has been swapped over to a topic where hopefully the OP can get some help. So stop bickering unless you have anything useful to add.

Abbierhodes Mon 17-Feb-14 19:06:52

Fair point. Apologies to all, especially the OP. I hope things get better for you. thanks

FanFuckingTastic Mon 17-Feb-14 19:34:35

Just because some people are suffering one thing, doesn't mean someone suffering another has any less right to post it. We all have our own issues and this lady has clearly had a shock, she's upset, I think the last thing anyone on here would like is for someone to come onto a thread about your issues and tell you other people are worse off and you shouldn't say XYZ.

I hope you are okay OP.

MargotLovedTom Mon 17-Feb-14 20:37:57

Sortyourmakeupout "Margot-your comment about a termination slaying a newborn cuddly baby is disgusting.

if a termination isnt had thats exactly what it will be."

Well, yes. Obviously. I don't really see your point.

The OP doesn't feel able to continue with the pregnancy. Abortion is legally available in this country. That's the top and bottom of it.

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 23:31:20

What advice does she need?

Whatever people want to post, perhaps some reassurance, hand holding,...

But not for her thread to be turned into a fight about where she can & can't post!!

differentnameforthis Mon 17-Feb-14 23:35:49

Oh and there are so many POAS threads that are in chat and AIBU I fail to see the difference for people TTC in those threads and this for upsetting wise.

Agreed. If you are frequenting a parenting site, you have to deal with that fact that there will be people talking about babies/TTCing/Miscarriage & terminations.

It is a fact of life that not all conceived babies are wanted. MN is a good place to get support, and those who find it upsetting perhaps need to be careful which threads they open/what boards they choose to go on.

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