I'm not sure I should start this thread, but am having a massive panic and have no one to talk to(64 Posts)
Some of you may remember my other thread. Missed mc in Sept last year. Pregnant few months later. After lots of stressful weeks, we had the amnio and found that our little girl had Downs. We said goodbye to her on July 12th when I was 18 weeks. Worst time of my life.
I am now 6 weeks pregnant and was feeling quite happy about things.
I was feeling that it couldn't happen agin,we wouldn't be that unlucky.
But now I am having a huge flap. I have started to believe that it is going to happen again. I really think it will, I can almost hear the voice on the end of the phone saying it all again.
I can't talk to dh about this as he wasn't sure about trying again anyway and I don't want to stress him out.
I have no one to talk to about it here (abroad) and my rl friends aren't answering...help?
How old are you, AngryBeaver?
Ohhhh, no one about to give me some info?!
I'm very sorry to hear about your losses.
Unfortunately, there's no way of getting away from the trauma that you went through very recently. It's absolutely normal in these circumstances to be convinced that the worst will happen again because you've had no other outcome yet.
Try having a look on the ARC website and give them a call tomorrow.
Sands may also be of help - they also have an online forum and support line.
Best of luck
I looked at ARC during The Awful Time.
I suppose I just want someone to tell me that it won't happen again.
I know no one can do that really.
I just need to hear it.
I am seeing the midwife on tuesday and am going to ask that they sort out a cvs as soon as they can. They were really shit here last time, and I felt completely unsupported. I have no family here. My dh works long hours, and oly gets in at around 10.30/11pm.
I am just desperate for it to be okay this time. I know I am in for a long wait. That was so hard last time. All the tests and scans, and then that awful awful waiting, where you feel like you can't breathe properly. I feel that again right now
AngryBeaver, I can completely understand how concerned you are given what has happened in the past. I think you have been extremely unlucky. The chances of you having another Downs baby are very slim indeed. And hopefully that fear will go away after your Nuchal scan.
Ahh, sounds incredibly stressful, no advice Im afraid, but sending you some positive thoughts. Bumping for you.
I made the mistake of googling today. And then trawling this board to see if anyone had experienced similar. That is what kicked of this panic. I was quietly confident that it would be alright this time, that I had had my fair share of horrific things. Then I read a thread where this had happened to someone twice, and then a poster came on and said, yes, it has happened to me and more people that you woould think, we believe there is a link.
And now I am in a tailspin
Yes, you're right - no-one can guarantee that everything will go well this time, and living with that uncertainty is exhausting and like being on an emotional roller coaster.
One area of your life that you can do something about is feeling unsupported. I found speaking to people on the helplines at ARC and SANDS very helpful when our dd died, during my next pregnancies and afterwards - would this be something that you'd consider?
I'm not sure of the earliest that they can do a CVS, but a date for that will give you something to aim for, however anxiety fuelled it is.
The odds are in your favour this time around, so do remind yourself of that.
It is a long wait, although taking one step at a time ie just focus on midwife appointment for now and what you want to get out of that, then the CVS etc helps. Some PTAs have peri-natal counselling services - could you ask the midwife what support is available for bereaved parents expecting another baby?
Oh, and try not to Google. I completely understand the urge - especially when you're unsupported in RL - but it can be pretty overwhelming.
Days of panic and being convinced that it will all happen again are completely normal in your circumstances, of course.
Dh has just come in and his best advice was "just try to stay neutral"...not going to happen. I have already started thinking of names, although I treid to stop myself
I will definitely stop googling and try and concentrate on Tuesdays meeting
hi angrybeaver. congratulations on your pregnancy. we spoke before when you were waiting for results in June. I expect it is really hard as you are so close in time to what happened before. It took me a good six months to even consider living again let alone dealing with another pregnancy (I was desperate to be pregnant but it took a while to happen).
I suppose as one of those who has had two terminations I am not a great comfort to you but mine were for two unrelated reasons and apart from me being older I really don't think there was a connection (first for hlhs and second because of downs). I have also been through two pregnancies since my first termination which resulted in two happy and healthy little boys.
The only way i got through pregnancy following the shock and grief of termination was to take it step by step. I tried to enjoy the pregnancy itself rather than the possibility of a baby, dealing with each test and obstacle as it happened. Like you say concentrate on the meeting on Tuesday but dont try and think beyond or you will go mad. And get busy, plan holidays, go on days out, get into work if you have a job. Just distract yourself as much as possible.
Sorry probably not much help but you will get through this. x
Hi Angry - am so sorry for both your losses, i know it's a terrible time and it's very hard to think positively but please try and take one day at a time and remember that the odds are still very much on your side.
If you see the pregnant or ttc after a termination for abnormalities thread you will see a huge list of babies born to ladies (inc myself) who have had one or more losses. I hope this gives you hope - and congratulations! x
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Angrybeaver I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time. It's a sad thing when you can't feel positive or confident about a pregnancy.
I'm in the same situation - currently 9 weeks (I hope) after a premature birth due to early PE, molar pregnancy & mmc. An early scan has given me fleeting reassurance but back to square one now.
My mindset is that I don't expect things to go right. And rather bizarrely, that helps. My expectations are zero. So I can't be disappointed. I am fully prepared if/when it goes wrong. I have no hopes. Which is very sad, but I think that mindset protects me.
I really hope it works out for you; you've had so much already
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thank you all .
Hello maninz, I do remember your posts, vaguely, through the fog. Thank you for the support, then and now.
I am a little calmer this morning. I think the long evenings alone do not help. Too much time to think.
The general consensus seems to be then, not to think about an actual baby. I am really trying to do this but I think, even after everything, although I tell dh "There won't be a baby, it will all go wrong again" I am an optimist, and part of me says it's going to be fine. That this time I'll leave hospital with my baby like all the other new mums.
I know it's dangerous to think like that. It will do me a great deal of harm, mentally, if I don't prepare myself for the devastation.
I just want to fast forward to the cvs results.
I'm afraid once you have been through it once there is always the fear that it might happen it again. i don't know how anyone could get away from that. The only comfort, I think, (and it's an odd sort of comfort) is that if it does happen it again it won't be as bad as the first time because you have already lost that pregnancy = baby mindset. "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and take what comes" is how I got through it.
Can you do things that might help you feel a bit more in control? I think the earliest you can have cvs is 11+0 (that's when I think I had mine in my second pregnancy). Is there is sympathetic GP or supervisor of midwives you can speak to about your fears? I hope the midwife you're going to see is understanding, it makes a big difference.
I just want to tell you that I kind of know how your feeling, we had two pregnancies that ended in a loss due to a chromosomal defect. I was pregnant a month later and spent my entire pregnancy worried. I would hve easier days and harder days. My baby was born 14 months ago perfectly healthy and perfect. 4 months later I got pregnant again (oops!) and I'm now lying next to another healthy little girl. But hun the fear never goes away. I was in the same hospital in labour this time as I was when I lost one of my pregnancies and they started taking me to the same room and I started screaming... Couldn't bear to go into that room... The memories of how you felt will never fully go away they will just fade with time. There is no reason this pregnancy shouldn't end in a healthy baby but you won't fully believe that until your holding your baby. You just have to learn to deal with your feelings. Almond croissants helped ;) xx
My gp is very lovely. But things are different here. Midwives are like a totally separate organisation. They have their own offices "Midwives 'r' us"! and you get the leaflet or look online at their pics and info and then choose which one you would like to use. They are with you throughout the pregnancy and attend the birth.
Last time was just horrendous. There was a total communication breakdown between the gp, the midwife,the hospital and me...an archaic computer system that doesnt let one health authority access another. It was utterly ridiculoous and only added to the already hellish time. It was me on the phone everyday chasing, scans,appointments and results. And then the hospital secretary kept ringing re immigration, when I needed to keep the line free for the amnio results, when my midwife had all the paperwork and could have told them anything they needed to know.
How I wished I was in England.
It was just horrific.
I am dreading all that again on top of everything else
Hi I'm not sure that England is so great. With my first termination I was shuffled between hospitals and had to do some of the faxing for them. Was sent for my termination at 25 weeks and they didn't ahve the faxt from my hospital so was sent home and had to wait three more days. Was really bad. I suppose the good thing is that what I was doing was out of the ordinary so harder to deal with.
do you knit? it's how i get through a lot of times when I don't want to think much.
ghislaine is right, dont expect much (even good admin) and maybe it wont be so bad. sending you good thoughts x
Well that does sound awful manitz. I assumed the cock up's were because I am in such a small country with so few people. I had to travel 3 hours (to a major city) for the amnio, as I think I mentioned and that hospital had no communication with the local hospital where I eventually had the termination.
I just pressumed that would never happen in UK. I have always had very good care there,couldn't fault them really.
So sorry that you had to experience that atop of everything else. Awful.
No I will stop expecting a good outcome. Prepare for the worst x
hey it's ok, it was 5 years ago. Just didn't want you to idealise uk. I have also had some excellent,compassionate service. It's just we are out of the system as the majority of pregnancies go well. x
I think that is a part of it. My midwife says I was an "unusaul" case. I think they are probably fine at run of the mill pregnancy, and then catching the baby. But anything out of the ordinary and they are clueless. I am really worrying about what I will be faced with this time. It would have been so much easier to bear if I had someone that was ontop of things and fighting my corner.
I am just feeling I have made a mistake doing this again,I don't know if I can face all this again so soon
Oh lovely, I am so sorry you are up in the night (is it night where you are?) worrying about this and I totally relate to the 'panic stations' feeling.
I had a number of miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy and we spent 7 years 'trying' to have a baby. When we finally made it past the 12 week mark, I was absolutely terrified that something would still go wrong (I was convinced the hammer was going to fall and something dreadful would happen). Fastforward three years to my two beautiful boys (we had twins) and I still worry often that something is going to happen to take them away from me. It has faded though.
I think what I am (very) ineptly trying to say s that it is totally normal to worry, especially when you have had to live through very difficult and distressing things. But you will get through it - whatever happens.
Chances are, everything will be fine. Whether things are fine or not, you cannot, at this stage affect the outcome.
So try to relax and keep your mind busy, as much as possible, with other things. It's stressful, and awful, but this to will pass.
Big hugs and love
Thanks GupsX that was a lovely post.
I am so glad you got your lovely boys, how magical to have twins!
I have always said I would love that, so special.
I understand what you mean about something still happening. I think that too. I think I am just a worrier. Dh calls me a stress head, he is right, but I can't help it.
Does anyone kinow if you can have the blood tests that give you the ratio at this stage? Or does it have to be around the 12 week stage when they measure the nuchal fold?
Good morning Angrybeaver I just wanted to say that the 1st week or so after BFP can really throw you into a tailspin - it certainly did for me, despite all my pregnancies being much hoped-for & long-awaited. I had panics about whether I actually wanted to be pregnant "What have I done" etc. So it's normal. And I'm much calmer now - what will be, will be.
I've been "unlucky" too - everything that's happened to me has been a statistical blip, the odds of all these things happening to me must be literally one in a million. Just bloody bad luck, which is no consolation.
As far as I know, the Down's screening is done from 11+ weeks. I'm not sure I'll feel confident about the results, as I have no confidence in statistics given all the weird'n'wonderful things I've had.
Morning lotsofcheese, you have been throught the mill. I meant to ask and I hope you don't mind. What is PE? And is a molar pregnancy like a phantom pregnancy? Sorry to be ignorant.
I am seeing the midwife in a few hours. I will find going in there to be very difficult I think. I drove past the other day and had palpatations.
idn't sleep much last night thinkiing about today. Which is rather pathetic when you think I am only 6.5 weeks and this is onlt a booking in meeting. Laughable that I would lose sleep over this with what is coming in the next few weeks. That is if there is even a heartbeat at the scan. I am assuming they will scan me regualrly as they did last time.
Are they scanning you regularly too? And giving you lots of support I hope. Wouldn't it be nice if we both went on to have lovely healthy babies?xx
Can you ask to go under consultant care at this meeting - if it is out of the realm of their usual expertise, that wouldn't seem like a strange request, especially as your background risk of having another T21 pregnancy is 1:100.
In terms of the bloods, AFAIK, they have to be combined with the other factors to give you the most accurate screening result. There is a blood test which can be done at around 7-9 weeks which samples fetal dna from the mother's blood (you can google this, there are some scientific papers on this, mostly from Norway I think) but I don't know if this is widely available or at all. I do hope it is if I am ever pregnant again, I will definitely be asking for it to save me weeks of inevitable worry.
Hi again angrybeaver How did you get on at the midwife? Hoping it went well & you are feeling supported.
PE is pre-eclampsia; I got it in my 1st pregnancy very severely, and DS had to be delivered at 29 weeks - it was touch & go for both of us (him especially) & he spent 3 months in hospital before he could come home.
A molar pregnancy is a conception, which is so chromosomally abnormal that it is incompatible with foetal development - so instead the placenta grows abnormally, with the cells behaving like pre-cancer. It requires surgery (ERCP) & sometimes chemotherapy to destroy the abnormal cells.
So yes, I've had a shite time with rare nasties. I'm being scanned fortnightly at the moment & am dreading the results of the nuchal translucency. I'm 40 so it's probably going to come back high :-(
Hang in there & take it 1 day at a time x
I think it's a bit different here. Ther ar no consultants, there may be something else. I will have to ask.
I asked about any tests that can be done now and she didnt know of anything, so I'm guessing it hasn't made it's way over here yet.
The most they can offer for now is blood tests every 48 hours, and early scan, and then the wait until 11+3 when they can measure the nuchal fold.
She said I can have a CVS between 10-12 weeks, but said that there was a chance of them getting my placenta instead of the baby'ssid e of it. She said that if it was a girl and they got the wrong sample, the results would come back as normal even if she had downs. So that makes me think, is there any point in the CVS as I would want an amnio to tbe sure.
Feel absoloutely wrung out. Shattered.
Thaks for explaing lotsofcheese, so sorry you have had to go through those traumatic times x
hi there. I think the cvs chance of getting a placenta is fairly small and it would be good to have the test early if you are worrying. I would check what they have instead of consultants - a mw is great for delivery etc but not nec as aware of medical issues like tests etc in my experience. Even though I have had two tfmrs, an early birth, 2 c sections and a third degree tear and I am considered old so pretty high risk all round I wasn't given any extra treatment until about 12 weeks. so you have about 5 weeks to go. What can you do to distract yourself? any chance of a holiday?
Did someone answer your questions on molar pg? As far as I know it is a pregnancy which doesn't form properly so it is a bundle of cells but never develops. My ex sil had one and I remember she had to be tested for cancer and needed to wait 6m after to conceive as she had to be all clear. I'm not certain how the cancer is related though but it is pretty shitty.
sorry, I've just seen that lots of cheese has answered you in a far better informed way than I did about molar pg. I don't think I know anyone who has a number of children and hasn't had something go wrong in at least one pg. I remember sitting at dinner with about 10 friends following my tfmr and realising that the only person I didn't know for sure had lost a pg in that group had adopted so presumably had had her own set of issues.
FWIW I also had doubts with all 3 pgs following my termination. Its lovely when it goes right but the worry about what could go wrong when you start out is scary. x
Thanks manintz. Good to know there is hope after tfmr.
I definitely want the cvs, but now if it comes back negative, and they tell me it's a girl,I will still have to have the amnio. I worrry about the risk of miscarriage though,I know it's small.
No, I don't knit!Though I'd like to learn. Have tried to youtube it but I'm not a visual learner!
A friend has offered us her bach for a few days, so that is an option.
I will ask about equivilant consultant care. Although, as you and cheese say I don't think there is anything they can do until 10-12 weeks. I wish I could fast forward this bit of my life.
I bet you wish the same cheese
Yes I do wish I could fast-forward!!!
I should be 9+3 just now, but last time I had a mmc at 11.5 weeks (heartbeat had stopped at 9+1) despite a good scan at 8+5 - so who knows if I'm still pregnant or not?!
I'll find out next Wednesday at my scan.....
I think for us, it's taking things 1 day at a time is the way to go. I'm not thinking beyond that at all. I just know I have a long way to go....
I think sometimes you have to embrace limbo. I saw it that at before 12 weeks you can enjoy what might be, all the possibilities without the stress of making a decision. Also enjoy not having varicose veins and weeing all the time! i also enjoy eating nice treats to stop morning sickness and being a little bit spoilt.
There is nothing you can do to make this stick nor to make it a healthy fetus. it either is or it isn't so enjoy it as much as you can for as long as you can.
What is a bach? good luck with your scan lots of cheese.
A huge congratulations on your pregnancy.
Just wanted to tell you that I totally understand you. I have a story very similar to Manitz (HLHS followed by Downs). We are starting to try again this month and if I get pregnant I am sure I will share exactly the same feelings as you are experiencing at the moment.
I have heard a lot of good stories so let's think positive.
good luck with the scan cheese, I have everything crossed for you.
My first scan is on the 29th. She suggested Monday at first but then had a wobble incase my dates were wrong. I only have 20 day cycle so going by that I am 6+5, but if I concieved later in the month then I could be a week or two out. She doesn't want me to panic if the baby is very small, or even too small to have a heartbeat yet.
So we comprimised.
maninz you speak sense as always. I am trying NOT to eat little treats though as my thighs are still touching from getting fat the last time! I feel revolting already!
Daphne Good luck with the baby making. If you feel anything like me, you will feel elated...and then crash! But I'm slowly levelling out (with a bit of talking down). I hope all goes well for you x
sorry maninz meant to say, a bach is a beach house/holiday home
How did the scan go cheese? All good I hope.
Mine showed no heartbeat, but she put me at 5.5 rather than 8.4 that I thought I was, so she wants me back in 10 days.
HOWEVER, I have just gone to the toilet and there was a small amount of blood on the paper, and I have mild tummy ache. I am so scared, I can't believe this is happening. Why is is going wrong again?
Beaver try not to panic just yet, my love. It's incredibly common to have a little bleed around the 5/6 weeks mark. I did, and my pregnancy proceeded normally afterwards. I also recall having mild period pains at the time too.
Put your feet up & call your GP when they open in a few hours - or NHS Direct if you start feeling worse.
Hoping it's all OK for you
Thanks crikey, I could do with a cuddle,but will take the flowers!
I have no one in this country that I can talk to about all of this. My dh won't be in until gone 11pm, and I have the children to put to bed yet.
I am hoping it will be ok, but this is my 6th pregnancy and I have never had any bleeding before. I have also not been sick yet, which is unheard of for me, but maybe it is too early on, as I say, I thought I was 3 weeks ahead.
It was only a tiny bit of blood (the dc's had all followed me into the toilet so I couldn't examine i properly!)
But I have rung the mdwf, she admitted it didn't sound good. I had bloods done earlier today so she will check the results and ring me, I am having more in 48 hours. I suppose that's all they can do.
How old are your DC? Can they get themselves to bed or are they too little? Any neighbour or friend who can pop in to help for a few hours? You really do need to put your feet up.
Wish I could tell you that it's definitely not an m/c, but I can't. Bleeding is never a good sign. But 1 in 10 pregnancies do have "implantation" bleeding and it's always around the stage that you're at now. So, there's some hope. Also, my sickness started at 8 weeks & didn't last long, so the absence of it so far is not necessarily a bad sign either.
I'd had an ectopic pregnancy a year before I got pregnant again - so when I had a little bleed at 5.5 weeks, I really panicked. But all was well, and 17 years later my "baby" is snoring in his bedroom!
Keeping everything crossed for you, I truly am xx
Thanks crikey. No they're 2,4 and 6, so too little. But are in bed now. Hopefully they will stay there. No neighbours and only surface friends I couldn't burden. One or two better firends, but they have their own young families.
The midwife has just rung, she said my hcg levels don't look good. She said the ones I took two weeks ago were good, they doubled in 2 days. And although my levels are ok for the stage I am, they havn't jumped as far as she would like.
I don't think this is going to end well (again)..I am having a vodka and a cry
Hi angrybeaver I've been following your story as I tfmr in the summer. Not sure I have anything useful to say as the baby we lost in the summer was my first and only pregnancy, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, I hope things work out ok and that your husband comes home soon and gives you the big hug you need.
As crikey says, try to take it as easy as you can.
I'm sorry to hear that pez I hope you have a happy outcome the next time you start trying.
Thank you for your support x
Oh angry I'm so sorry you're going through this, the waiting is just agony. I always felt the not knowing was worst.
Sending you big hugs & some chocolate too xxxx
Thanks cheese how did your scan go?
It was ok, thanks. I have another booked for next Thursday too.
Take care of yourself x
How are things today, angry?
not good, heavier bleeding,clotting, and pain.
I just want to know why this is happening again
I'm so sorry angry It's just so bloody unfair! You have been through so much already. I wish I had some wise to help you feel better.
All I can do is send you big hugs & say that you're in my thoughts x
my friend who has had several mc's early on, told me her consultant recommended complete bedrest for 48 hours and this seemed to stop the last mc. Does anyone think this might help?
Levels have dropped to 2900 from 3400, so going for a scan. But doesn't look good.
I'm really sorry, beaver There is good support on the miscarriage & pregnancy loss board. I've used it a lot for my miscarriages & have found it helpful to share with people who understand.
When is your scan? Am wondering if EPAU have suggested investigations eg genetics, consultant, to see if there's a reason for your miscarriages?
I hope you are taking care of yourself xx
They couldn't fit me in for a scan today. Maybe tomorrow. Then I will have to wait til next thurs to go to the hospital and sign a consent form, then have an erpc next friday. If of course, things haven't completed naturally.
Is EAPU early preg assess? If so, I haven't seen anyone like that. Only spoken to the midwife on the phone.
When I feel a bit stronger, I'll make an apt with my gp
Angry how are you today? Hoping you managed to get a scan & are holding together ok. Thinking of you.
No the scan machine is broken, and won't be fixed til Monday. So I'm stuck. Although I know it's over,I will still be crushed when I hear that the baby has gone
So sorry you're still in limbo angry The waiting is just agonising. Take care of yourself x
Angry, sorry to hear what you're going through. I can empathize, I had similar over the last two years. It's heartbreaking. If it's any consolation I don't think you're too old at all. I'm 6 years older, and we're finally expecting our first!
It did take us about 9 months just to conceive this little fellow, so time is not the enemy you may think it is!
Thanks monsterchild the best of luck to you x
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