When did you go back to work?

[joooce]

Hi. On the 7th of feb i had to terminate my son due to anecephaly. I'm not completely to terms yet. In fact i'm in a bit mess. As is my husband. The doctor has given me four weeks off work which means i have to in back on the eighth of march. Thats two weeks away yet but i can't see myself being prepared to face everybody in work then. They all knew i was pregnant. My husband was given two weeks off originally and went back to the doctor for more time. The doctor have him an extra three weeks but he says that the doctor seemed to think he was over reacting and should really go back to work. So i'm afraid to go back to the doctors and i'm afraid to go back to work. When did you go back? Whats appropriate?

[sandripples]

Joooce - so sorry to read your news. I have no experience of this, but as an HR manager, I'd say your employer is likely to understand if your doctor gives you further time off, as you might well need time and perhaps counselling to come to terms with this.

I don't think there's a single answer on this sad question, its an individual matter. If you have a supportive manager, I'd suggest you contact him/her - perhaps in the 3rd week, and let him/her know that you might need longer, and you'll keep in touch etc. (Is your employer big enough to have occupational health? If so they might want to see you at some point to confirm you're well enough)

[joooce]

Thanks sand. My manager has been great so far, we do have oc health but i have not been referred as i feel that there is no practical help that they could offer me- aside from perhaps counselling which i am resisting atm. I'm worried because there seems to be a consensus that i should pull my socks up. Get it together. My mam said to me ' lots of women miscarry you know'. And this is not a mc. I have had a mc in the past and that is traumatic but nothing compared to this. Whats more i'm afraid that when i go back i'll be fired because i'm already on a stage for sickness at work (had my gall bladder removed shortly followed by swine flu) i was ill whilst pregnant and obviously not moved up a stage as the sickness was pregnancy related. Is this pregnancy related? Its certainly pregnancy related in my book. If not i will be disiplined and potentially lose my job.

[fifitot]

You need to check your HR policies to be sure but I am pretty certain it is pregnancy related so shouldn't impact on your sick record. Take as long as you need if that's the case.

Look after yourself.

[poppy34]

So sorry to hear your news- I was back to work but only for a few days a week after a month and worked like that for another two months. Your doctor sounds like an arse to say that to your dh. But agree there is no right time. Have you had any counselling offered? I found both grief counselling and therapy helped me come to terms with things. I would see oc as they were people who put me in touch with grief counsellor.

And agree with fifitot - check your hr policy but you may need to get your doctor to certify why you are unwell but I would think they were walking on thin ice to discipline you re leave for this.

[LittlePoot]

Hi Jooce. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and for everything you are going through. I had a termination for chromosomal problems last year and a missed miscarriage and ERPC last week. After the termination, I actually went back to work almost straight away - not because I was ok, just because I needed to get out of the house and be distracted. This time I think I'll take another week before I go back. But that again doesn't mean I'm ok - I just deal with things by distraction - burying my head in the sand (or the work) if you like. You must take as much time as you need, and its definitely worth taking up offers of counselling from your hospital or doctor if you can. This is a bereavement, and grief must be given time, for you and your husband. And if that time needs to be spent away from work then that's what you should do. The only thing I would say though is that going back to work wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Many of my colleagues knew I was pregnant too but there was nothing but kind words. Apart from the feeling of dread as I walked into the office and the first couple of hours of sympathetic smiles, it was actually fine. I took it easy and avoided stressful situations for a few weeks and gradually some sense of normality returned. There will be good days and bad days, but you will make it through. Take care and much love. x

[jaabaar]

I think if you loose a baby after week 20 (not sure if it is week 20 you must check) then you are entiteled to maternity leave same as if you had a baby.

I am very very sorry for you and your husband. I wish you strength to go on and support each other.