Ahh hello PF my dear.
Boy you have been through the mill too and I know that you know what I am trying to express too well.
It is so very tough to consider putting oneself through potentially more terribleness isn't it?
Wishing you all a soothing Saturday evening.
I have the fire lit- but it is ridiculously smokey - will bring on an asthma attack at this rate. One small glass of sherry consumed, LM in kitchen making curry and me online agonising over wallpaper as distraction from a sad wave for the babies. All of them in fact, not just mine.
Just so very peculiar that for so many women (me included once upon a while ago) baby making is deliciously innocent and miraculous and special. And for others it is a living nightmare. To you pregnant ones; I hope you are able to have some tiny bit of enjoyment and peace. I know it is hard.
Thinking of you Lins - my lovely friend.
kisses

Oh Bee its PF here - just wanted to say how wonderfully you say things and how you manage in a few lines make me relise I'm not the only one who has these thoughts - only you manage to sum it all up so well in words which I find so hard.

Love to you all.

PF

Morning gossipy old biddies on the bench
I love that analogy too Mrs BG. Is perfect.
Bezz - am sure Mrs BG is correct that it is a stage, a critical part of recovery for Capt C. I think they tend to deal with it more by rational thought and plans of action. We tend to internalise and agonise and what if and why me and what would have been.
I have had a bad 24 hours of this too. I think the baking seems to be a sign that we are all trying to ward off the gloom and sorrow and worry and panic. For me, it started with working with the DS boy, then an article about a new drug to improve the memory processing of people with DS. Finally the guitar teacher telling me he teaches a boy with it too. And this alternative life, the parallel world where I did choose to keep the baby, the first one, flashes past me and I can almost see the child that would have been. And i consider the other life, and know we would have managed and loved him or her. The more time passes, the more I learn, the more confused I am. But alongside this I confess I hold back from attending the embryo screening for fear of having a baby with worse disability and quality of life. It is truly very painful. And I know you all know this too.
As if the initial diagnosis, loss of innocence, heartache is not enough; there is intermittent pain and guilt to process. Who would have known when we all tried to make a baby with a loved one that the road would be so rocky?
I think it is important to remember that we made those decisions in good faith, after much deep soul searching and information gathering and talking. That we are good people - I know you all are. And there is no rationalising why it happened. Each little conception has its own route; some destined for short lives. It is all still so raw and recent.
When I look back on the Bee I was post separation I can see a fragile Bee. In trauma. In pain. And it felt like it was part of me. That I would never be buzzy Bee again. Time moves things on. Other things matter more. New people to be loved. Especially for you pregnant ones.
Am off to sort, tidy, launder and eat yesterday's slightly stale but yummy cakes.
So would love to be walking on a beach with you all - with tea and cake on way home.
hugs and kisses
Lovely to hear from you MRs BG - and all of you.

I WANT THAT CAKETIN TOO!!!!! I have a butterfly one from Lakeland, and if I ever have a boy I want the train one, but I REALLY REALLY want that cupcake cake tin.

Mrs BGirl, you write so well. You will be okay on your due date (today?), you will. The anticipation is worse than the reality. And you have gone through the worst of the agony anyway.

Also what you say to Bez is so true. Capt C is clearly self-protecting; he did after the termination, and he came round. Typical man that it takes a bit of time though

I love the park bench analogy. I would be such a good old gossipy woman, with my stick, tut-tutting at the youth of today.

What a lovely post to read first thing MrsBG! Thanks for that, has put me in a positive mood.

Bee, so sorry to hear about the troubles in your paradise. So very unsettling when something like that happens so close to your safe domain. You're the best mother to your kids, and I'm positive they're nowhere near being involved in these troubles.

Tree I KNOW that cake tin. I NEED it too. In fact I think Can't and I have discussed it by email in the past....

I baked a cheesecake yesterday - a la Cantdothisagain - (something going on in this thread, we're all baking?!) to take to a friends that we're visiting later for lunch. Looks amazing. Took all my strength to not start on it last night, but figured not acceptable to take half eaten cake to friend. Am now panicked as to how I'll be able to bring the remains home with me later (there's no way we'll finish it all), not really acceptable, is it?

Suggestions welcome!

BK x

Bee, that's so frightening. Hope you are ok. Awful to have that happen so close and so sad for the families involved.

I don't think I have congratulated you yet Katerina! Thanks for coming back and sharing your lovely news. It gives us all hope.

Bezz, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. You probably did underestimate what a huge trauma the miscarriage was, and especially after what you've already been through, it just compounds it. Living with what's happened every day is the hardest thing. I hope you get the test results soon so you can at least know. It's true what Eulalia says about chromosomal abnormalities. We had something diagnosed that has a 1 in 10,000 chance of occurring but I'm sure it happens far more often than that but just never gets tested for, so it doesn't necessarily mean anything...it's just more common than the stats tell us.

Thank you again for all your kind wishes around my wedding. I felt a little like Katerina said, about wanting to share everything here and with all of you. It's been such a long journey and you've all been there every step. My last hurdle is tomorrow...a party with friends to celebrate...that just happens to fall on my due date. Oh, well. I'll get drunk and try not to think I should be having a baby instead.

I am much happier now, it's true, but, there is a but...there's always a but...I've found it very difficult to get over the impossible questions...the 'what if's' and 'why me's' which still torment me every day. Mr BG says these are useless thoughts that only lead to heartache. It's such a bad road to go down because we can't change the past, but it's impossible not to think like this when it seems that everyone else is having babies just fine (I know this is not really the case) ...at work, a lady had a baby girl this week and a gorgeous pink card went round the office for us all to sign. I couldn't. I've only just started this job and didn't know her anyway, so it wasnt really an option for me to sign it, but I couldn't help thinking that should have been a card for me.

I am hoping these dark thoughts are all part of the healing process. I walk passed the abortion clinic on the way to work and on my way home. I know the exact window of the room I was in when I took those first tablets. It used to be unbearable and I would take a 'long cut' to avoid the place. Now, I can walk by and it's a place I feel I can be close to the baby I lost. I hope that doesn't sound too morbid. I spent an extra long time near the building earlier this evening just because it's my due date tomorrow. I hate feeling sad, but I think we all need to feel this 'sadness' to get beyond it.

I'm so glad that I can come here and talk to you all. I did go through the whole feeling of not being able to even contemplate trying again. Remember, Bee, when I even 'went off' babies and the idea of having one...I don't know if it was fear or just trying to deal with the loss...maybe, this is what Capt C is feeling, Bezz. He wants to protect you too. I know these feelings passed for me and it will for him too. You perhaps need to know what happened first with the miscarriage. I will be thinking about you in the next few days.

Thank you, ladies, for letting me air. I am happy, honestly. It just sits beside the sadness...like two old ladies chatting on a park bench. (sorry that is a terrible analogy - I think I need to get to bed!)
Love and hugs, BG xxx

Good grief Bee - how scary. Blimey, crime of the year in our local paper was the murder of ducks at the pond!! Insane and cruel but hardly stabbing.

Stick with the cupcakes and focus on the granite worktop. It's all you can do. And relish the museums and parks etc etc. AM desperate to take dd to Natural History museum but train fares to London are more than flights to Nice!! So scary though. When did it get like this? I rather thought it was media hype. Seems not

Was in Lakeland today, I had a trip out to the big smoke, and saw a cake tin that bakes a fairy cake base and swirly top. I heart that tin. £28!! As we have a £30 weekly spend budget for food I couldn't quite justify it.

I guess Justa is visiting family as it's weekend - hope it goes well.

Cupcakes and stabbing... you couldnt get further apart, could you? horrible, horrible, so close to home.

Speaking of cupcakes, since it's a nicer topic - I too made some today - I make mine from a little book called Cupcake Magic. Little choc ones with Nutella icing. I like the sound of yours, Bee. I see you genuinely are a Nigella-in-the-making. Do you do the lascivious tongue thing too?

Eulalia did you find your library book? Glad you seem to be at peace with your decision to move on from babies. Given how thinly you seem to be spread, it is probably sane. Hard though. Lots of hugs from here.

Re cakes- have made some Nigella cupcakes which, unlike my failsafe Delia ones, spread all over the cake tin. Had to do some trimming and tidying and they now sit happily smeared in chocolate buttercream with a white chocolate button atop.
Also have a mountain of dried fruits soaking in brandy. Probably will sit there til Xmas Eve when they will be tipped into the recycling bin.
Re the stabbing - think the police have identified the two boys who are the culprits. Sadly stabbings are not rare here. Three boys from my middle boy's school stabbed few weeks back. Is really very topsy-turvy and wrong,wrong, wrong. All of it. And I wish I knew how this all happened and became so normal. My daughter and her boyfriend knew him. The boyf saw the murdered boy last week. This is normal almost for them. It is like living in the Bronx in the seventies. |I do not understand why we are not marching the streets with placards to protect our children. Maybe I will.
Daughter says it does not happen to nice boys like mine - but of course not yet. And every boy is someone's nice boy. Going off the rails is not a reason to be murdered surely.
Cupcakes and stabbings.

How kind of you cantdo (sniff!), all so true. There is only one me and only so much I can cope with. dh much older than me, not sure if I ever mentioned that before so more responsibility for me. Hope you are less anxious and stormy now.

Bee - how terrible, that poor boy and so near to you, have they caught the culprit?

Old? Yes I do feel it at times, other times feel fighting fit and that I can do loads, probably my downfall. Longevity in my genes, my parents in their 80s and still very fit and active, but yes baby days now gone I feel.

bezzy - any news from you?

Must drag myself off the computer and do more in kids bedroom, it is a tip and have lost a library book which has been renewed 4 times and I owe a huge fine.

Have a good weekend, cake and wine to all