TFMR - regret over not seeing my DD

(11 Posts)
LuckyAugust Mon 15-Jun-15 19:39:59

Not sure why I'm posting this really, think I'm hoping by putting it into words it might make me feel better. I had a TFMR reasons last year at 15+2 weeks pregnant. It was heartbreaking but the right decision for us as a family and with the uncertain prognosis of our DD's condition. Once we decided that was the path we were taking everything was kind of a blur and I just wanted it over. Afterwards I asked the nurse what our DD looked like and she said she was a beautiful but a perfectly formed small baby. The pain was so great I chose not to see her thinking it would make it worse. I wanted to be pregnant again straightaway and luckily fell a few months later giving birth to our DS3 in January. His arrival has been such a healer for me- until now.......... A close relative found out at a private gender scan she was having a little girl and was given a 4d picture, this picture is so clear and her little face is smiling and so perfect. It's stirred up a whole load of feelings and I've never actually thought properly about what the nurse said before. I hate myself that my precious much wanted DD didn't even get a cuddle off anyone and that I didn't tell her how much I'll always love her. Please someone have some wise words because after months of calmness I now feel a bit of a wreck and so guilty.

Lizsmum Mon 15-Jun-15 21:43:34

Your little baby girl knew that you would always love her. She will have felt it throughout the weeks that you carried her. She was cuddled inside you. Please stop feeling guilty. You did what you could and made a desperately difficult decision for your baby. Now be calm again. flowers

KittyandTeal Tue 16-Jun-15 15:37:19

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

I had a tfmr at 22 weeks in January. We opted to see our dd2 but it took my dh a while to decide (I said I'd see her on my own if he didn't want to)

However, I remember that reaction of wanting it all over. I had my termination injection the day after we got our results and dd2 was born 2 days later (although, obviously shed died already)

I was just thinking today I wish I'd not had it done so soon and spent a few days enjoying my pregnancy with her. I was so scared and I just wanted it done.

Many of the decisions we make at these times are made in fear and because we're scared. We may regret them later (I know I do) but we must be kind to ourselves and try to remember the huge turmoil we were in when those decisions were made.

Your dd will have known your love, for those 15 weeks that is all she knew. This is one of the reasons we decided on a tfmr, I wanted my dd to have only known my love, not the plan and suffering her condition would have brought.

Have you had any contact with arc? They're brilliant for chatting through these awful feelings.

Please try to be kind to yourself

LuckyAugust Tue 16-Jun-15 21:13:25

Thank you so much ladies for your kind posts thanks thanks thanks Gosh Kitty your thinking sounds very similar to mine. I'm so sorry about your daughter. Today has been another tough day and I can't believe this has all been triggered by a scan picture. I have so much to be grateful for and need to focus on my lovely family. I didn't speak to anyone other than fellow MN's after our loss and was then so focused on getting pregnant again. I do probably have unresolved issues. Will see how I get on. Thanks again xx

AliBingo Tue 16-Jun-15 21:51:06

Hiya, I remember you from the other thread and remember your lovely news about your son being born. Nothing useful to say really but I didn't see my DS after tfmr at 16 weeks in March 2013 and I do dwell on this from time to time despite having gone on to have a baby boy last year. Just wanted to say I know how you feel. I was the same re rushing to be pregnant again, keep thinking I'm healed too and should be grateful for what I have but I still sometimes feel very sad and empty about the baby I lost, I guess it never goes away really. Ali x

LuckyAugust Wed 17-Jun-15 10:27:10

Thank you so much Ali. Since my son was born everything has been so great and whilst I always think of DD it hasn't been as emotional as it has been this last few days. I guess you're right, the pain doesn't truly go away. It does get easier to deal with though and lovely words from you kind ladies are helping me feel better. xx

offbeatgirl Wed 17-Jun-15 16:15:48

I'm sorry you've been having a difficult time recently, Lucky, and I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better now. I struggled shortly after the birth of my son - I couldn't stand seeing his hospital ankle tags lying around because they reminded me too much of the ones I'd been given by the hospital when I lost my daughter as part of a remembrance box. For me, the arrival of my son- and realising how special he was - compounded my sense of what I'd lost. I spent much of the first few weeks in tears (so much so that the HV seemed convinced that I was suffering from PND), but I feel much better now and I'm enjoying time with my son.

I did choose to see my daughter after the TFMR (just after the 15 week mark) but later felt guilty that I'd never touched her. In hindsight, I wonder if I became fixated on this simply as a focus for my grief over what I'd lost - perhaps I was just looking for something to feel guilty about? However confident you are that a TFMR is the right decision for you, it's still an appalling decision to have to make. I still feel a degree of regret about it, but I'm convinced that I'd have regretted continuing with the pregnancy more. If it does prey on your mind, might it be worth asking the hospital if they have a photograph on your file?

Take care flowers

LuckyAugust Wed 17-Jun-15 22:24:16

Thankyou offbeatgirl. I'm glad you're enjoying time with your son xxx

LuckyAugust Wed 17-Jun-15 22:31:09

Oops meant to say as well - you are totally spot on with what you say. I agree for us too that despite regrets about having to have a termination I would have regretted continuing the pregnancy more if we had to watch our DD struggle with the complications she would have faced. It was still the right decision for us. I think I'm always going to feel that guilt which at times may be worse than others. My DS3 is 20 weeks now and so perfect. I can't imagine life without him yet if our DD was here I wouldn't have him now. Today has been a much better day xx

NatzCNLS Fri 28-Aug-15 20:53:24

Lucky, please try not to feel guilty. No matter what you did or didn't do, there will always be doubts or questioning yourself if it was the right choice or not. It's been nearly 5 years since my tfmr. Tonight I've been sobbing into my pillow awash with grief and guilt. It's the first time this year I've been like this, but when the emotions come, they come like a freight train!
My youngest will be 4 next month, she was born a year and 17 days after we said goodbye to Cara. I also have two older DDs. My girls are my joy. Cara is the part of my heart that will always bring the grief, but I embrace it when it comes, because I know I loved her and always will. I don't try to fight the grief, and try not to question my choices or actions from that time. I regretted not seeing her too for a long time. But I've learnt to accept that I can not change that.
We never get over the loss of our babies, and there are always going to be triggers that set off a reaction. I saw a post on Facebook which I won't put on here as I've only just Been able to compose myself again. It gets easier and less often, but I know that Cara is only ever just under the surface.
Sorry for the mega post x

LuckyAugust Tue 22-Sep-15 13:04:25

Thank you so much Natz. Big apologies I haven't responded until now, I'm struggling with access to mumsnet via my mobile at the moment and haven't been on for ages. The last few months have again been fairly ok. I found out that one of the little girls who suffered from the same condition as our daughter died earlier this year. Her family were not from this country and our only connection was a support group which I've been following. I shed lots of tears thinking of this beautiful little girl. Thank you again for your support and kind words xxx

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