I don't want a termination

(9 Posts)
GracieLoo Wed 16-Apr-14 20:19:01

I'm almost 8wks, single with a dd, but struggle with severe depression and I know I should abort but I'm in tears about it, and I think I'm becoming more ill due to the pressure from the mh team, which is making it harder to think about it all rationally.

I want to run away from everything but I know that won't solve anything. If I have a termination I wish they could give me a pill too, as if I don't deserve to have a baby and give dd a sibling, then I don't deserve to be a mum and dd needs a better life than with me. I can't even give her a normal family, and being told I won't cope is hard to listen to.

Armadale Wed 16-Apr-14 20:27:36

Oh my goodness this sounds so hard for you.

I'm wondering if it is worth posting this in mental health, too, as there will be experienced posters there with regard to the severe depression and that might be helpful?

The issue around feeling pressured by your MH team is something I don't have any experience of this, but no-one should feel forced into a termination. thanks

GracieLoo Thu 17-Apr-14 16:29:51

I've posted in mh too. Yesterday's crying has made me feel washed out and headachey today.

My decision changes all the time, don't know if it's right to have a baby when it's not being born into a proper family. What if people think I'm doing it for benefits, I'd hate to be looked down on. Wish my life wasn't so complicated, I wonder if I deserve to be a mum.

Creamycoolerwithcream Thu 17-Apr-14 16:35:35

You and your DD are ' proper' family.

Mrswellyboot Thu 17-Apr-14 16:39:35

Please get some real life help and support op. I feel for you. Of course you are a proper family if its just you and dd.

Can you see a supportive relative or friend today? Thinking of you.

GracieLoo Thu 17-Apr-14 16:57:32

I've spoken to my support worker but we keep going over the same stuff, she said I've got to try to make a decision in the next week. She said how will I cope if I have a bad day like today with a baby and dd, which made me panic more. Think I've got a migraine which I suffer from and dd is being so good, how will I cope? Maybe I won't.

Everyone's busy over the wkend, dd will be at her dads. I want to hide away in bed hoping this will all go away. I was having feelings of excitement not long ago, those feelings are gone and I feel really low.

smartypants1000 Fri 18-Apr-14 22:30:14

Gracie, is there a perinatal mental health team you could be referred to? Have you got a Psychiatrist? I think it is very unfair for you to be forced into a decision when you are clearly so low in mood. It's impossible to think rationally and clearly about what is right for you and your children. Has your depression been stable in the past? Have you been given any advice on medication during this pregnancy to stabilise your mood and what support could be in place to help you take care of yourself and your children? My advice would be that you really need to see a psychiatrist who has experience of treating depression in the perinatal period.

Having severe depression does not mean that you are not a good mum to your dd, or that you cannot be to this baby. It means that you have an illness that needs treatment, to enable you to stay well and look after your children to the best of your ability.

Who brought up the issue of termination? If it was the mental health team and not you, then I'm horrified. Nobody should be forced, or pressured, into terminating a pregnancy - I'm not sure how that is supposed to help your mental health.

Please try to take out of the equation what other people might think - you can do without that, just focus on yourself and your baby. Posting in mental health is a good idea, hopefully you will find other parents suffering from mental illness, and see that you're not alone in this, far from it. I really hope you get the help and support that you deserve with this decision.

GracieLoo Sat 19-Apr-14 09:32:57

There isn't a perinatal mh team at my cmht unfortunately. Seeing the midwife next week and she mentioned a specialist midwife in her team who I could speak to.

I can't remember who initially brought up termination, I said I wasn't sure what to do at first. However I went into an appt with my mh worker this week saying I think I want to keep it. She raised her eyebrows and began talking about her concerns about the baby, how I'll cope, lack of support, financial worries.. I came out of the appt thinking I've got no choice, it wouldn't be right to keep it.

I want to start enjoying the pregnancy and looking forward to having a 2nd child, but I feel I'm not allowed to. And there's a niggling thought that I'd be making a mistake. What if I got really low in late pregnancy or when it's born, I won't be able to change my mind then and everyone will say they told me so!

smartypants1000 Sat 19-Apr-14 21:33:15

GracieLoo, this has shocked me to the core. Your MH worker has massively overstepped the mark, and what she has said is completely inappropriate. It is YOUR decision. I hope the midwife is more helpful and can help you access proper support. Your MH worker's role is not to make a decision for you, and she definitely shouldn't be telling you what her opinion is, her role is to be supporting you in the decision you make, and helping you access the social and financial support to keep this baby if that is what you want to do.

For what it's worth, I do know women with your diagnosis who have made excellent parents (I worked in Mental Health before I had children, and one of the women I'm thinking of is a close friend).

It could be that you do get depressed later in pregnancy, or that you suffer from PND after the birth - but that isn't a given. Your best chance of avoiding that is to be appropriately medicated, and supported by your CMHT, not criticised and undermined :-( Has your mH worker been helpful up to this point? is it worth asking to see someone else??

Please don't feel forced into having a termination against your wishes. If you felt it was best for you, that's one thing, but it sounds to me like you really want to have this baby, but have been made to feel inadequate as a parent, which is terrible. I really hope the midwife will be able to point you in the direction of some better support. It is possible she will refer you to a Consultant for shared care, who can hopefully advise on medication, although it would be a good idea to be referred to a Psychiatrist if you don't have one already. Will be thinking of you.

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