Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me(278 Posts)
Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.
Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.
Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).
So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.
I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.
Can i just say again thankyou for all your kind and lovely words, i really dont feel i deserve any of them but seriously they mean a lot to me right now.
Ive been lonely for a few years so not something recent, lot of fall out with freinds when they all moved on to different parts of the country/world, we kind of all lost touch, the few i do have round here all seem so busy with there own lives they never have time to chat, well exchange emails or textx but there not the type i could just call in a crisis or even for a long chat, i really do miss just having someone to call to chat to or ask can i pop round, i never have anywere to go. Anyway i will certinaly by trying to work on improving that area of my life aswell as others.
Thanks again, i think i would have gone insane bottling everything up to myself, the kindness of strangers hey! i wish i could take you all out for a drink to say thanks for caring!
You sound lovely, OP I'm sure you'll make friends in no time!
Morning OP, hope you're continuing to do well. I've been through that losing touch with people thing and it's miserable, it affects your thinking way more than you might expect. There isn't really a cultural expectation that friends matter the same way a relationship matters, but I definitely think they do.
Sorry to sound like a broken record, but I really think it's worth pushing your DP on his lack of pitching in as well. It's going to hamper you getting back out into the world if you're having to do everything - even with nursery. I wouldn't assume that just because the baby stage is coming to an end your DP is going to step up, I think he will need to be made to.
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