Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

(278 Posts)
desperatelysad Wed 03-Jul-13 08:33:20

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

myroomisatip Wed 03-Jul-13 08:38:21

Oh dear. I have no experience of your situation but it must be dreadful. Do you plan on telling your DH? or rather, what do you plan telling him?

AgathaF Wed 03-Jul-13 08:39:17

You have to do what is right for you and your family. The only thing is, what if you can't cope emotionally and need to tell him?

Roshbegosh Wed 03-Jul-13 08:40:24

Are you sure you will never tell him? It will be a massive secret to keep and if you tell him in the future it might be the end of your marriage. The loss of trust and the loss of a baby.

MrsPresley Wed 03-Jul-13 08:41:49

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this sad

I have no advice, but I do think you have to do what is right for you.

Is there no way you could talk to your DH about this?

What are you going to tell him, will you be honest about the termination or do you really think you live your life with such a huge secret/lie between you. It's such a big thing to keep to yourself.

FCEK Wed 03-Jul-13 08:42:21

On the one hand it's your body, but on the other hand if you don't feel you can tell your dh how you feel then it can't be that great a relationship?

Also why haven't you been using contraception if you don't want another? I'm not against abortion but so many treat it as birth control.

Your dh is likely to notice if you are sick afterwards or have complications. These things do tend to come out in time so I reckon he will find out.

Tell him. The way you feel, stressed etc, won't go away with an abortion.

bobbywash Wed 03-Jul-13 08:42:34

Very tough, but youreally do need to talk to your DP abpout it. If this is the person you want to be with he has to know about your decision and your feelings.

The guilt could ruin a relationship, and if you feel it's OK to lie and keep secrets from him then I hope your prepared if he does the same. That's not meant to be harsh (although it is) but you really must talk to him. I can understand if your not ready and dont feel that it's right, and I am a great beliver in choice, but if you're with someone then they have a right to be involved in any discussion. Even if he is opposed you have to discuss it at least.

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 03-Jul-13 08:42:58

I think you have to tell him or the guilt will absolutely eat you up for ever and you will end up splitting up. Plus of course he has the right to know.

Totall understand your worries and how hard it must feel though.

It sounds like you really need a break to me and if that can be arranged maybe your actions wouldn't have to be so drastic.

You would have time to yourself for quite a while after DS starts nursery and things may not feel quite so hard then

But of course it is not for us to make the decision for you.

Thumbwitch Wed 03-Jul-13 08:43:37

You cannot do this without telling him, it will hang over your relationship forever more. What if you have complications? You really really really should discuss this with him, it's too big a deal to hide from him.

FCEK Wed 03-Jul-13 08:44:07

Also see your gp or health visitor as you seem depressed and I've been there.

marzipananimal Wed 03-Jul-13 08:44:29

Gosh that sounds so hard. Is there any counselling you can access so you can talk it through with someone? Talk to your GP? I'm not sure your relationship could survive you having a termination behind his back, but only you can guess how he'd react if you discuss it first

BeenieBaby Wed 03-Jul-13 08:44:57

Why can't you tell him? It's your decision to have a termination and your reasons are all ones I can identify with. (We went on to have dd with a 18m gap and ts bloody hard work. Dh is only around to help weekends and even then he's so unused to their routine that I do a lot o the childcare anyway). But I would like to think that if I were pg again and wanted a termination, dh would be supportive of this and see that I wouldn't be able to cope!

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 03-Jul-13 08:45:36

I agree that you will have to tell him or it is likely to come out at a later point when you are under stress or something, and the guilt will eat you up inside. What if there's a complication when you have the termination?

I do feel for you. sad

desperatelysad Wed 03-Jul-13 08:46:16

i honestly dont know what to do, i really dont. I look at my ds playing and think how lovely it would be if he had someone to play with...1 day though, just not know. Everything was just getting back to normalish for me, i was looking forward to having some free time to try and work again and hopefully meet some new people and try and get a life of my own back.

I dont think i could tell him the truth it would kill him and destroy us completely. I dont think he would ever forgive me so i thought it may be better to tell him i had miscarried. but then if he gave me any sympathy i would feel even worse and i dont know if i could live with myself knowing what id done. When i first told him i was pregnant (he actually found me crying in the bathroom so dragged it out of me) i did tell him i wouldnt be able to cope with 2, i explained everything to him but he said i was just panicking and in shock. well yes, but that hasnt gone away. Ive just made such a mess of everything. They would probably be so much better off without me anyway.

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 03-Jul-13 08:48:31

The fact you are thinking like that shows you are depressed.

Please please address that before making your decision as it will be influencing things.

Also address it for yourself as you dont have to feel so awful and struggle so much.

TeeBee Wed 03-Jul-13 08:49:09

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. I've been in a similar situation and its very very hard.

Who said the OP has not used contraception? That's not necessarily the case, it can fail.

OP, you seem to know that a termination is the right thing for you as you know you won't cope. This is your life, and you only have one. You really so need to do what you think is right and what you think you can live with. And you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. But I suspect you will tie yourself up in knots trying to keep it a secret. If there's a complication you will get very stressed trying to deal with it secretly.

RobotBananas Wed 03-Jul-13 08:49:31

You have to tell him.

Is there any possibility of things changing so you get more support from your husband? You say you don't blame him, but you feel you need to do this because you can't face another year of dealing with everything by yourself. You might end up resenting him for something he essentially had no control over.

Orchidlady Wed 03-Jul-13 08:50:19

desparate firstly you are not a bitch or pathetic, I think you are being very honest to yourself. But really think you should tell you DP how you feel this would be such a massive secret and will eat you away. You say he will die is he knew, but what if he finds out in the future it will be worse. Know you are feeling very emotional right now, is there anyone in RL you can talk with?

Dackyduddles Wed 03-Jul-13 08:50:39

Dear heavens you poor thing. This sounds a dreadfully painful situation for you. I'm sorry you are so conflicted.

Before you attend, one thing I notice from your post is you say you picture yourself happy not pregnant. The problem I see is that happy is not a state one stays in for long, just because its an emotion and they alter every minute. So, it worries me that you may not stay happy for long. How for example do you picture your relationship? Will you pretend an mc for example? Or tell dp after the fact?

I promise I'm not judging, I'm just throwing a couple of questions out as once this is done it cannot ever be unchanged. My very personal opinion is see your gp, ask for a counselling session? I might have misread how early you might be at, sorry if so. I think you need to talk and if dp isn't the person you can confide in perhaps a counsellor could be?

I too felt extremely overwhelmed by my first child, I've often felt/feel I hid from her as I didn't know what to do, couldn't cope for reasons I couldn't verbalise as I didn't have words for it. My second though has actually made me realise I'm better at this than I realised. I'm practiced I suppose. It's not been as frightening as I expected, and I'm still surprised at that.

Finally I am pro choice so ultimately if you are certain this is right for you then I do know I wish you well with it.

RobotBananas Wed 03-Jul-13 08:52:03

"They would probably be so much better off without me anyway."

Please go and see your GP and talk to them about all of this.

myroomisatip Wed 03-Jul-13 08:52:34

Could you get some counselling?

Is there nothing that can be changed so that you get some really practical help if you went ahead? Would you feel happier having your baby if you could get some extra help?

I know what it is like, I had two close together with no friends or family nearby sad

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 03-Jul-13 08:53:02

That is my concern too..that it might seem rightnow but you might later regret it.

Thumbwitch Wed 03-Jul-13 08:53:04

desperatelysad, any decent place that performs abortions will give you some level of counselling before you have it anyway - so I suggest you try and access some of that ASAP. You NEED to have this straight in your head because once it's done, you have to live with the repercussions forever more - and as I said, there is always the risk of complications (not as high as it used to be but still a risk - how would you feel if you had this and it caused infertility so you could never have another child?)

I am fully pro-choice but it HAS to be informed choice - and it has to be done so that you are not left with the pressure of keeping this secret every day for the rest of your relationship/life.

PLEASE go to your GP ASAP, get the counselling, try and work out if this is really what you want to do. You have to do it for your own sanity, never mind everything else.

I feel for you but I really think you should tell him. Not least because an abortion will affect you physically for a few days, and emotionally for longer. I don't see how you can hide it permanently. Lies and secrets destroy people and relationships.

So sorry, op, sounds very distressing. This is not you being a bitch, this is you realising this is the wrong time for you to be having a baby.

Please talk to your dh and give him the chance to support you on this. Tell him you can't cope with another one now, show him your distress and talk to him.

If you just do this in secret and never tell then you are driving a HUGE wedge between you and your dh, setting yourself up for terrible problems in your marriage. Because that is one hell of a lie, and one hell of a secret.

Don't you think he will be supportive about your decision?

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