looking for MN advice really. A good friend with a young family is having a pregnancy terminated today for abnormalities on a 12w scan and then other genetic problems found on a CVS. She is utterly devestated and I cannot begin to imagine the pain she and DH have gone through to get to this point.
So dear MNers, what can I do to help them? Any websites/books etc that can help either?
You may want to ask for this thread to be re -posted in the antenatal test/choices forum. There are many people on there who will be able to help. As a starter though, ARC are an excellent organisation who can provide telephone assistance.
Tbh from personal experience, specialist therapy helped me come to terms with it over time. There is no quick fix I am afraid but if you can be there to show you love her , can listen and not judge that will mean a lot. It is a particularly hard type of loss because there is guilt as well as grief.
There are some great support threads on the Antenatal Tests and Choices are of Mumsnet. I have been in the same situation as your friend twice before and I found them to be an absolute lifeline. ARC are worth contacting too. The talk boards are a bit frustrating though as they are Yahoo groups and so the process is a bit slow. ie. You post, then wait for moderator to approve before your post goes up, then the same happens again when people reply. It can be good to just read what others say though. It's a very isolating situation, a lot more so than miscarrying, because it's a sort of "taboo" subject that people don't talk about as much. The helpline at ARC is good too if she wants someone to talk to. It's so helpful to be able to speak to people who can empathise. Having friends like you will be a great help too, of course.
The next year or two will be a rollercoaster for her. She will have times where she is consumed with all sorts of feelings of bereavement, guilt, fear or trying again etc. Other times she will feel fine and then find it comes to bite her on the bum again when she is perhaps least expecting. The weeks or months approaching what would've been her due date will be very difficult so try to make a mental note of when that would've been so you can give her the support she needs then. She will need lots of support if she becomes pregnant again too, especially coming up for the 12 week scan.
Also, really encourage her to keep communicating well with her DH and vice versa. A lot of people go into themselves at times like this and can end up causing tension and fights which are the last thing they need. As long as they keep each other in the loop, as it were, they will get through this. Even if it's just to say "I need to go and hide under the duvet for the day, please don't take it personally it's just that I'm struggling and need to have some space." or alternatively "I could do with a chat about how I'm feeling, how about you?".