Termination just because we don't want another child

(33 Posts)
VikingVagine Wed 26-Sep-12 08:33:32

I recently found out I'm pregnant. I already have two children, DH and I had come to the descision that we don't want any more.

I had the Mirena coil removed in the spring after two years of awful thrush. I wanted DH to get the snip but he thought it was too drastic. I didn't want to take any form of hormonal contraception, so we were using condoms and "being careful".

Obviously we weren't careful enough. DH initially said no way, but because I wasn't sure about what I wanted to do, he agreed to support my descision whatever it was.

I have been going round in circles. Part of me would love another baby, and at one point I had decided to keep it. Then, a few nights ago it started raining heavily and a damp spot appeared on the ceiling above our bed, reminding me we still have an awful lot of (expensive) work to do on the house.

It just clicked, I can't have another child now. It wouldn't be fair on anybody.

I phoned the family planning center this morning to find out what I had to do (I'm in France by the way). The lady told me to go to my GP to get a prescription for a scan so they can date the pregnancy, before going to a clinic for the actual termination.

I just need to find the courage to face my GP and tell him I want a termination despite there being no medical reason, or even any good reason other than being selfish. He's going to judge me. The person who does the scan is going to judge me. Their people at the clinic are going to judge me. I'm judging myself.

I'm trying to be strong here, but it's not working.

Trills Fri 28-Sep-12 18:21:55

Well that's not terribly caring behaviour but the doctor clearly wasn't judging you, she treated it like a very routine thing, which I suppose is good.

Booking a holiday is nice. smile

VikingVagine Fri 28-Sep-12 17:43:04

Have had a very busy day at work, so didn't have time to think about it at all which was good. Now am home and relaxing, it's back at the front on my mind again, gah.

The dr did say something about having to wait to be sure of the location, but she wasn't very clear and didn't offer any other advice, just handed me a piece of paper to read before my next visit.

To take my mind of it and give me something nice to focus on/look forward to, we've booked a few days at Disneyland during half term.

claraschu Fri 28-Sep-12 10:17:28

Don't feel you are selfish to terminate. I think having children in this terribly overpopulated world is self indulgent. We have three, and I feel guilty about all the pollution I have caused, and how we have increased the population of an overcrowded world.

plasticbox Fri 28-Sep-12 10:13:05

You have to be so far along to ensure its all removed, surgically wise it needs to be in the womb to remove. If it implants in the tubes obviously its a different issue. If its eptopic it can be sorted with medication if caught early enough which can prevent tube removal this is why it has to be seen on a scan before any procedure, Its cruel, hard and bloody frustrating but the safer option

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers Fri 28-Sep-12 10:07:48

Sorry that sounded flippant, I am not being. If a woman has decided she wants an abortion then surely it is best all round to do it as soon as possible. I may get flamed for this, but surely when you've already had children and been through an early wanted pregnancy it must be even harder.

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers Fri 28-Sep-12 10:06:19

plastic, sorry you have been through this too.
They really need to develop something like the morning after pill for this time then! Surely it can't be that hard.

plasticbox Fri 28-Sep-12 10:04:14

I have literally just done this, read my thread if you feel brave enough (termination so confused) Im a week on and know it was the best thing I could have done for me and mine. I had to wait until I was 9wks in the end, they cannot be sure of where the cells implant until 5/6 wks at the earliest. Its awful at the time, the waiting. It almost did me in but I found strength from people on here and now even though its only been a week its past and I am dealing with it.

Once you are certain of your decision just focus on after, dont dwell and please feel free to message me if i can offer you a hand to hold.

Much love

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers Fri 28-Sep-12 09:28:12

How are you doing today Viking? Have you got any friends you can talk to. I can't imagine how hard this must be.

EdMcDunnough Thu 27-Sep-12 19:47:38

Oh I remember being told something similar after ex marched me down to the clinic for a consultation at about 5 weeks (since last period - 3 weeks from conception obv)

They said you have to wait till we can verify it on the scan, because if the baby is too small, (and it will still be tiny, for you, even in two weeks) we can't tell if the termination has worked. And apparently that can cause some problems.

Sorry, I know it's not much comfort and it will be awful having to wait. but I think it is what they do, it's not your fault.

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers Thu 27-Sep-12 19:05:59

I can imagine. sad bumping this in the hope someone with more knowledge responds.

VikingVagine Thu 27-Sep-12 18:25:50

Apparently it's standard procedure here. The pill they give you to miscarry only works as of five weeks, I'm only three weeks.

It's bad enough that I'm actually going to do this, but the thought of letting it develop for two more weeks seems just horrible.

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers Thu 27-Sep-12 18:21:36

Oh Viking sad I have no knowledge but this can't be right surely? 2 more weeks! Can you get a second opinion somehow?

VikingVagine Thu 27-Sep-12 17:51:22

Oh great. So gynecologist said it's too early to do anything about it and to come back in two weeks. She'll then give me a tablet to take at home.

Two weeks seems like a hell of a long time to have to wait. I feel like shit. All sorts of conflicting thoughts running through my mind.

sad

VikingVagine Wed 26-Sep-12 22:27:55

I think I'm just trying not to think about it (ha!), DH said it's little more than a cluster of cells at the moment he might have made a comparison with having my hair cut hmm ... .

drjohnsonscat Wed 26-Sep-12 21:09:23

Viking, I'm glad you got listened to at the GP's. It shouldn't take courage to say that you want to control your future like this but I know it does. I've had a termination (other reasons) but all reasons and no reasons are ok.

Please give yourself permission not to feel guilty about this. If it's what you want then that's the end of the discussion. You can waste a vast amount of emotional energy exploring whether you feel "bad enough". Please don't, unless you do actually feel bad in which case there's plenty of support on here.

But if you've actually made a courageous decision to have the life you want for yourself and your family, then you can also make the courageous decision to accept your decision and be content with it. I don't think any of this conflicts with EdMcD's comments either - whatever it is you want will be right for you if you decide to accept your own decision.

lotsofcheese Wed 26-Sep-12 20:55:49

You can ask for the screen to be turned away during the scan, if you'd rather not see. Or the ceiling's a good thing to focus on...

ilovesprouts Wed 26-Sep-12 16:55:00

.

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers Wed 26-Sep-12 16:51:43

Do what is right for you. I hope you're ok.

VikingVagine Wed 26-Sep-12 16:49:23

Blood tests done, and am booked for a scan tomorrow afternoon. I think the scan is going to be the worst part, I hope I'm not supposed to look or anything.

Startailoforangeandgold Wed 26-Sep-12 11:43:44

Absolutely not judging here as had my contraception failed, I'm pretty certain I would have terminated a third PG.

Hopefully, I'm now getting a bit old and certainly I wouldn't have another child now.

DH finds tiny babies very stressful, I find small toddlers exhausting.

The DDs jokingly say any extra babies would have to sleep in the bath. Actually I suspect they aren't joking, they like their own space and their routines. They are not fools and they have seen the disruption caused by much younger siblings.

The reality is no one would really want another child here and that's not fair.

VikingVagine Wed 26-Sep-12 11:37:46

smile

The irony of it all, is that if we weren't in such a comfortable and stable situation, I would probably keep it. Go figure.

EdMcDunnough Wed 26-Sep-12 11:32:40

I know what you mean too - babies are such a huge thing to do, what with going back to that way of life after your other children are already quite big... in fact this one is kind of still leaving me in denial smile

I would never judge you for making this decision.

VikingVagine Wed 26-Sep-12 11:28:34

No no you didn't say the wrong thing, I understand what you mean, I just think all round we (DH, DCs & I) will be better off if things stay the same.

Although not impossible, it would be a strain financially to have another child.

We are just getting our life "back to normal" (DD is almost three) and starting to do more activities as a family (have been putting things off for a few years because it was too complicated with a baby).

EdMcDunnough Wed 26-Sep-12 11:17:06

I hope I didn't say the wrong thing. Good luck, take care xx

VikingVagine Wed 26-Sep-12 11:15:44

Thank you all, I've told my GP who was great, not at all judgmental (although he did jokingly say something along the lines of me being exceptionally fertile).

I had a baby that no one wanted me to have, DS, he's now 10 and still as wonderful as ever. The big difference is that I wanted to have him where as here, I really don't want a baby.

Am going to make an appointment for a scan after lunch.

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