Talk

Flip

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Antenatal tests

Please help. Were my reasons for terminating good enough?

16 replies

guiltyandsad · 02/05/2012 22:39

When I read about people who are considering terminating pregnancies, the advice given is often 'make sure your reasons are the right ones' etc. I had a termination last year and I have since got really hung up with whether my reasons were good ones, or whether I made a big mistake. Am feeling very depressed, low, and guilty about it.

This is the story - sorry it's long: dp and I have two beautiful dcs, and the youngest was 12 months when I found out I was 8 weeks pg by accident (stupid, of course, really stupid at the age of 39 not to know better, but the first 'accident' I have ever had). I had never decided I only wanted 2 - in theory I kind of had an open mind about having 3 - but when I found out I was pg I felt very strongly that I couldn't go through with it. I suffered really horrendous AND and PND with my first child, so bad that I felt utterly suicidal and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. My dp and I struggled a LOT in the early years with looking after the two very active, challenging (though lovely) dc, with our relationship, with work, moving house etc - they were four pretty hellish years in lots of ways, to be honest, with me on and off depressed, in therapy, lots of arguments, etc. At the time when I found out I was pg with number 3, things were just starting to look up. I had been at home for a year on maternity leave and was looking forward to going back to work part-time. The idea of having another baby just felt like sinking back into this morass of crying, no sleep, nappies, isolation, breastfeeding, another c-section, two babies under 2 at home, and terrible anxiety. And I didn't think it was fair on my youngest dc to have so little time as the 'baby', like I wouldn't have enough time or energy to give her the attention she needed when the new baby came along.

What made it all worse - and this is the bit I feel particularly bad about - was that I had taken medication before I found out I was pg (i.e. in the early weeks of the pregnancy) that you are not meant to take during pregnancy. I researched it and asked my gp etc but all the answer I got was basically that nobody knew whether it would have affected the baby, that it had been proved to be toxic to fetuses in animal studies but that they couldn't say whether it was similarly toxic for humans.

The thing is, I know that for many people this would not have been a big deal. I have a friend who takes this kind of stuff very pragmatically and wouldn't have lost any sleep over it. But for me it was massive - I knew that I would be eaten up with anxiety and guilt for the rest of the pregnancy, and that even after the baby was born, I would be looking out for signs that it was damaged in some way. This is my anxiety condition talking, I know.

I couldn't face going ahead. I was frightened that I would end up depressed again and that my dc would suffer so much from that - the first 4 years were bad enough. And on top of that, I just didn't want it. I just dreaded it. My dp didn't want to have the baby either. So I terminated. And now I feel so dreadful, because i think maybe my reasons weren't good ones after all. It's not that I wish I had the baby now - to be honest, I don't - but I feel desperately guilty. I try to work out all the time whether I did the 'right' thing, but I just can't understand it.

Thanks if you've bothered to read all this and sorry it's long.

OP posts:

Report

MeDented · 02/05/2012 22:44

I think you are being very hard on yourself. Sounds like you certainly didn't take the decision lightly in the first place, have some very sound, logical reasons and doesn't sound like you 'regret' the decision now. Please try and learn to be at peace with the decision you made or you will drive yourself mad.