Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Antenatal tests

Advice much needed. Very unplanned number 4

16 replies

regnamechange · 11/03/2011 18:59

I have name changed for obvious reasons as some know me on here in RL

I have found out this week that the MAP that I took after a split in the condom has not worked. I am now pregnant with number 4. My immediate reaction is I can't do it. My DH is the same thinking and wants a abortion too. Our 3 children are close in age all 5 or under. We are not wealthy and can't afford luxuries but don't have a bad life. We get by.
I suffered with extreme pnd after 2 of my children and we are finally back enjoying life.
I am booked in at BPAS next friday but the more time goes the more I am doubting myself and thinking I may regret it.
I also need to mention that my DH is on the list for his vasectomy so we have had the big talk and decided no more. However now I am I feel bad.
I am terrified of going through the procedure itself let alone having any pangs of guilt.
Having another means all new baby bits as they are now given away or sold on. Bigger house possible as our 3rd bedroom is small.
I don't want to get ill again, its taken alot of work to get where I am now to be a proper mother and wife.

I am so confused, this is a decision I never wanted to make. I really think that abortion is the most sensible option but I am terrified.

Any similar experiences? I am sure and hope there has been?

OP posts:

Report

geordieminx · 11/03/2011 19:05

I think if your dh is booked in, you were using condoms, and you took the MAP then it's pretty obvious that you don't want anymore children.

However that was one determined swimmer.

You need to think about your own well being firstly and for most and then your family.

Unfortunately no one can make the decision for you, but fwiw if inwas in your position, I would probably have a termination.

geordieminx · 11/03/2011 19:06

Be kind to yourself

((((un-mn type hugs))))))

regnamechange · 11/03/2011 20:38

Thankyou they are much needed.
You are right.

I'm terrified of the process and grieving for my baby

OP posts:

geordieminx · 11/03/2011 20:42

While I don't want to appear flippant, if it helps, think of how things will be better if you don't have the baby IYKWIM? It's not going to take the pain away, but might make it easier to bear.

Of course if in your heart you want this baby then I'm sure you would manage. People do.

What does your husband think?

regnamechange · 11/03/2011 20:49

I think the fact that I have a week to wait doesn't help the time to think. I am already exhausted and felt pg for last few weeks. I tried to talk myself out of it
DH is like me thinks along the lines of "if things were different" and also wonders what sex baby would be etc etc
I think looking at my chldren now and thinking that there will always be this shadow of a child that could have been in my head... Does that make sense?

I think the hormones have fully kicked in and making my head become unclear as it is.

OP posts:

geordieminx · 11/03/2011 20:50

I wish I had the answers for you sweetheart.

regnamechange · 11/03/2011 20:51

My best friend and DH are the only ones that know both have said the same don't think of it as a baby yet...

What doesn't help is all the newborn babies and baby jokes at the school gates

OP posts:

FourFortyFour · 11/03/2011 20:52

It could come down to what it easier to live with forever. Having another child that you hadn't planned and all the expense that goes with it, or having a termination and always wondering.

Take care.

regnamechange · 11/03/2011 20:52

Its ok I don't expect answers. Thankyou for repying. i just needed to get things off my chest. I go from wanting to keep to no way at all wanting to. oh and then to full blown tears.

OP posts:

regnamechange · 11/03/2011 20:55

FFF that is one of the things that we spoke about too. I have a DSS so we actually have 4 children to pay for as it is and I know full well that its just as hard as they get older.

OP posts:

FourFortyFour · 11/03/2011 21:08

I hope it all works out for you.

regnamechange · 11/03/2011 21:53

Thankyou. So do I

OP posts:

regnamechange · 14/03/2011 09:29

Does this get any easier? Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:

iskra · 14/03/2011 10:06

I had a termination (in very different circumstances - I was 21 & living overseas) & in my experience, it didn't feel like the right decision, it felt like the best out of a very bad bunch of options. For some months afterwards I felt sad about it & that I was missing a baby, but now I can feel 100% that it was the right thing to do. Since having my DD in fact I thank my lucky stars I didn't continue that pregnancy. Would have been disastrous all round. I love my DD & am pregnant again but I find the daily struggle with small children difficult & can totally imagine making the same choice in your situation. Hope everything goes well for you.

NatzCNL · 16/04/2011 10:25

Bump

flyingspaghettimonster · 20/04/2011 04:32

Nobody can know how you will feel afterwards. We can only tell you our own experiences. Before I tell you mine, I will warn you that I did want my baby that I terminated, even though I am very much pro chouce. So if I refer to it as a baby, please don't think I am judging anyone else's decisions. Also, if you skip to the end I have added a link to a great website for you.

Here is my experience:-

We had exactly the same situation - a split condom and morning after pill both failed. We discovered the pregnancy at 4 weeks and immediately I had to find out about termination - because our marriage was very rocky and we were trying to save it - husband desperately didn't want another child, I did. I had the choice of raising 3 very young kids alone and probably on benefits, or trying to work out the problems and save the family situation for the other two.

I chose to terminate. They wouldn't let me have the procedure until after the 6 week stage! I had to go through two weeks and 4 days of knowing I was pregnant, with a baby I truly wanted, crying and apologising to him/her. It was my birthday and Christmas during that time - so horrible. The procedure was set for Boxing Day.

At the abortion clinic I was shown into a room full of teenagers, all laughing and joking. I was crying. I felt very out of place and wasn't allowed hubby with me.

They insisted on doing an internal ultrasound, to be sure of dates and measurements before testing. Apparently a regular ultrasound isn't always accurate at that stage. It felt very invasive and wrong. I wasn't allowed to see the photo they printed.

The actual doctor was wonderful. he really cared about the situation and was clearly deeply unhappy to be going ahead with it, knowing I didn't want it, but had to go with what I said, and I insisted I had to have it. So I chose the pill method. I was given one pill then, and had to sign promising I would take the next pill the next night. I also had to promise to return within a month so they could verify the abortion had worked and that if it hadn't, they had the right to legally force me to abort as the pill can have negative effects on the foetus if it survives.

The pills were okay and after the second one I got cramps and then a very heavy period. I never was able to see any sign of pregnancy though I tried - it was just blood and a few clots. The cramping was bad, but they prescribed good pain meds.

Emotionally, it was devastating for me. I thought I was fine a few weeks later, but the following year I was totally unable to deal with the holiday season - I was a zombie, constantly thinking of the baby I would not be able to wrap presents for. I had named my baby even not knowing the sex. It also didn't help that we were pregnant again at that point - I had the Mirena put in after the abortion and 6 months later it failed... I clearly do not have much luck with birth control! I kept thinking about how my marriage was fine again and this next baby was being kept as I hadn't been able to terminate again. I felt so much guilt.

The hardest thing I found about my termination was that there seems to be so little place for those that have a termination to grieve and find comfort. There were chat room by the dozen for those that miscarry, or terminate due to baby's illness, but where was there for me to grieve? It is an unspoken thing, a guilty thing, people don't want to hear about regrets, they want to blame you.

Well, I finally found a forum for those that have been through termination and it was a great place for me to heal myself.

This is the website:-

www.afterabortion.com/testimonials.html

It is not pro life, it is a place for women who have grief or guilt or those that don't feel anything either way, just to talk about their experiences and talk to one another. I haven't been there in a year, because my last child is now 2 and I feel a lot better. But I do remember the baby I never had every so often, and the 6+4 days he lived before I terminated the pregnancy is ingrained in my heart.

Be good to yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel bad. And don't ever feel you made the wrong choice, if it is right for you, now.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.