Terminated my pregnancy due do depression

[anna8315]

Hello guys,
Probably this will be a long post. I am not a native English speaker so please understand if I am not writing perfect.

I suffered from depression since week 5. When I found out I was pregnant i was lucky for only one week but then my doubts and fear and anxiety started. When the tiredness and nausea started I still was very positive as i thought I would feel so low and negative because of this. In week 12 it starts to get better but i was still so worse and scared if I really wanted the baby. I have to say i was not long with my boyfriend together and he could not manage my depression. I was almost every day home in bed, attended some family events and things I had to do. When I started to consider abortion my boyfriend just left me alone with the decision, he even said it is my decision.( my personality changed complete, i was not a good person and I even thought I did not like him anymore). I was becoming desperate and went to abortion clinics but always had break downs to really do it.

Thre weeks past and my little baby was growing further and I even got more depressed. Then two days ago we went in a clinic and made a abortion at 14 week. I was crying when I did so I think actually of all the hormons i was not able to realise anymore what I am doing here. My boyfriend just looked and said nothing to me. Now I am completely sad, crying the whole day, went into psychiatric clinic where they gave me medication. There were so many pregnant womon getting help and they sometimes even stay in hospital for some time to be treated. The doctor said I would have been treated with medication during pregnancy but I missed this chance. I feel soo much guilt and such a big loose, like a good friend of mine has died. I can not get over it, also had suicidal tendences but I will be treated in hospital. I want to say to you guys, don't ever make an abortion du to depression and anxiety, it will be soo much worser afterwards. I killed my little baby and my bf did not even say something about it. He is regretting a lot and said it was the biggest mistake he has ever done because he thought i would feel better after the abortion. I went to some doctors before and said i am depressed but nobody took it for real. Just understand you have to talk to people like midwife or even go in the psychatric clinic they will help you immediately. For my baby it is now to late and i made a big mistake. I am constantly crying over the loos my strong family is behind me (they did not knew that I suffered from depression trough pregnancy, as I felt ashamed to tell them) and will support me trough this hard times in life. If god will give me a second chance than I will do everything to just keep the baby what ever it takes. Hopefully god is forgivinf me for what I have done.

[PastysPrincess]

I'm really sorry for you and the situation you find yourself in. It is a very emotional time and having suffered with anxiety and depression I understand how truly awful things they are to deal with.

It sounds like you need to take some time for you and get better. You can't change the past but you can use the experiences to shape the future.

[thisismyfirsttime]

I'm so sorry for you, that you were let down when you needed support
You were suffering and you need to forgive yourself, you did what you thought was best. Please get help now, you can only move forward now and you deserve to.

[Viviennemary]

It sounds like you were totally let down by those responsible for your care who did not properly take care of you. You could ask for counselling to talk through your feelings. You sound a very kind caring person and it's sad that you are suffering so much.

[anna8315]

Thank you so much for you nice responses. If somebody would like to share their experiences I would be very happy. Also people who maybe have gone trought it the whole pregnancy and how life was with baby then. I am also scared if I ever will get pregnant again even though they operation went well. Still have to go and check with a doctor to see if everything was properly removed.

[PastysPrincess]

I didn't have depression before I had my son but its the same condition whether you have it before or after children. I really would recommend seeing a doctor and getting referred for some counselling. My therapist has already told me she can write it into my notes that certain things can be done a certain way if I were to have another child. Once they know about your condition steps should be put in place to support you if were to have another baby. So for example I will be able to have an elective c section as facing another labour would be too much for me to deal with.

[anna8315]

Just on medication now which sometimes help. You just rethink and rethink why nobody has stopped my fanatic behaviour. My boyfriend was driven me in the clinic and left me totally alone with my decision so i also thought he does not even want the baby. I am mad that I had the wrong people surrounded in this depressing time. My family feels very sad and making allegations that they did not understood what was happening with me. My boyfriend was also very immature to help. We broke up now as I am so angry that he did not care about what happened. Hopefully life becomes better soon.

[PastysPrincess]

I am so sorry to hear you have broken up. Unfortunately people that we love aren't always best placed to help us. You said before that he thought he would feel better once it was done; people deal with grief in different ways. He chose to ignore it and hope it would go away. You cannot be responsible for other peoples failings. I think the best thing you can do is get someone professional to talk to; this is all so new and so raw that it's difficult to process it. I promise you, if you just take it one day at a time and seek help you can get better.

There were times in my depression that I totally regretted having my son and if someone had told me they could take him away I would have gladly let them. But, I didn't give up. I kept fighting, and that is what you must do.

[PastysPrincess]

Anna8315 how are you doing?

[anna8315]

Hi Princess! There are good days and there are bad days. I started a new job and hope that will make me to not think to much. I still regret it soooo much, i wish I could turn back time. It is very hard to live with that. Sometimes I wish to become pregnant again but now i have to sort out my life a bit and see what will happen. How are you doing? Did you suffer also from prenatal depression before or did it came afterwards? How are you doing by now?

[ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay]

You havent made a mistake. You did what was right for you at the time. There is no shame or judgement in that. Take care.

[PastysPrincess]

I'm glad to hear from you, your post sounds a bit more positive. Congratulations on the job; I hope things go well for you. It's definitely a good thing to be able to sort things out as you say. Are you getting support from the doctors or counsellor?

I didn't suffer from depression before my son but I did suffer anxiety a lot. I was very lucky and got the right support very quickly. I'm still in recovery and he is 2 1/2 but I'm almost there I think.

[anna8315]

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay: thank you for saying I haven't done a mistake. Maybe that is true who knows why my inner voice or conscious mind was telling me eventually to terminate the pregnancy. We never know the other way woulf have been.

PastysPrincess:

I am glad to hear you recovered well. It is so weird, i was reading a study that postpartum depression/ anxiety is often linked to boys. Maybe it really has something to do with he hormones. You should be soo proud of your little human you created and make thr best out of your life with him. Wait until he can speak and is telling you how his day was. You will love it and it gets much easier. Let me know when you feel totally good again and maybe one day I can post that I am a happy pregnant woman and life will be on the sunny side again. We all expect to be happy all the time but life is not always like that. There are good and bad times and we have to make decisions. All we can do is learning from our mistakes

[Tonijo1990]

I was looking for something like this to help me
I have two beautiful boys (4 and 1) and I feel pregnant in August
I was about 5-7 weeks and decided to terminate
I regret it every day as I've always been one to say I'd never have an abortion
But I felt the reasons for the termination were right and my friend did too (she's been a support)
Financially I wasn't and still now in a good place
I'm on anti depressants and suffered with pnd and bonding problems with my first
The father is the same to all three and he's constantly lying and cheating and I cautiously take him back , even though his temper is out of control
I broke up with him but stupidly felt lonely and slept with him
I was swapping over pills and took morning after pill
He never wanted the second child but I refused an abortion as I knew I could do it on my own
However , when he came to pregnancy three , I felt I wouldn't be able to cope and having two young together wouldn't be easy
I struggle emotionally and mentally too and have no social life/family support
I was about to go college and try and get myself a career and felt the termination was right for the two boys and the situation I was In
The dr tried making me feel better by saying it was just cells but that didn't help
I stupidly went in without talking to a counsellor or being offered a proper talk and took the pill
And ever since I've regretted it
I feel wit was right for the boys and the eldest struggled with the youngest being born and has behavioural problems but I can't help and look at them and feel guilt and regret
I know to my friend I've done the right thing from her point of view and she has seen the struggles I've been through
And it's not fair to bring another child into the world where the father is in and out and can be nasty
And it's not fair to bring a child into a home where the mother struggles day to day
I feel o get by just fine with the boys but can't help feeling like I do
Part of me thinks to myself that if I had kept the baby , would I have regretted that decision ?? Or would I have coped and been ok ?? Will I ever get over this feeling ?? I just cry all the time and use stupid excuses to make me feel less guilty but it never works
I feel evil and not worthy of being a mother
How could I ever meet someone and have a baby with them ?? Why would that baby be worthy of living but baby three wasn't ?? I even had names picked out
I don't know what I'm expected to get on here but t helps just to write it down and let it all out xx

[Tonijo1990]

I also feel it's my fault for falling pregnant on the first place and putting myself in that position
I should've been more careful and made sure I was taking it all correctly
Part of me felt I wanted a baby a couple months before but then I realised that wouldn't be a good idea
And then I fell pregnant ....

[anna8315]

Hi Tonijo,
I am sorry to hear that you feel so heart broken after the termination. There are probably no words that would help you right now but I can tell you time will heal the pain and you have done what was best for you in this situation. I believe that many timea our inner voice is telling us straight away what is right and wrong but during pregnancy there are so many different hormones in your body that somtimes you don't know what is right. I also think you have done the right decision as you felt you could not handle the third and yes a third baby is probably lots of work again especially when your partner is not really part of the family live. Get some therapy or somebody to talk to and you will see you will feel better sooner or later. enjoy your two children and be happy that they belong to you. Try to focus on the positive things in live and avoid to think about how life with baby could have been. you can't change the past anymore. Focua on your future. Wish you lots of Love and strength.

[Blossomdeary]

Ante natal depression is a serious illness - I watched a loved one go through this. She too was so ill that she contemplated termination. It is a dreadful illness and I am so sorry that you have had to suffer this. It is also a random illness and having suffered it once does not mean you would necessarily have the same problem in a subsequent pregnancy - and if it did you would know that you can get the proper help in the form of medication. It must have been doubly hard for you to find your way round the system if English is not your first language.

You will in time be able to put this behind you - it is all a bit raw just now. But life will go on and you will I am sure find happiness.

[Tonijo1990]

Thank you
I am going to the Drs to see if I can see a counsellor
I do believe three would've been a lot harder than two and I struggle as it is
But I just can't help look at the boys and think I got rid of one of them
And I do believe I would've kept the baby just because I didn't want an abortion which probably is selfish of me
I'm sure I've done the right decision for the boys and their father isn't really part of their lives at the moment
Thank you for the support

[anna8315]

THe feelings you have right now are normal for a lot of woman out there having abortions. There is a doctor who said that the most headbroken species out in this world are woman who have aborted their own child. He also said, that nobody is telling is about the consequences abortion has and that a lot of woman suffer their whole life. Get a professional counsello, i am doing a cource now for helping to get over. I am pregnant now again luckily as I could not handle the pain. From the moment i knew i was pregnant again i felt relieved but i still suffer about my aborted child a lot. Also i feel depressed again but probably because of everything together but have great people around me who support me in my darkest hours. I am scared about the future but have to fight for beeing mental strong and healthy. This is what you have to do as well, fight for your children and try to understand why you have choosen that way. Sometimes a list can help to clear out things. Against the pictures you see for example your children with his sibling, i don't know what you can do to heal, still don't know how to avoid this. i see all the time a little blond brown eyed boy in my flat. it is horrible. believe me.

[Tonijo1990]

What hurts the most was that I was excited about it but then the dad and my friend were saying it's not right and I agreed with their points
I don't feel like I had a proper discussion with any professionals before and maybe I should've
I look at my boys and think That's what that baby would've looked like
I don't want to get pregnant ever again as I feel like that child died yet bother gets to survive
My heart is broken
I regretted it straight away and even now I know it was for the best with the situation I'm in but my heart feels so broken
I think I chose my head over heart which maybe was the right thing.
Thanks for the talk
I can't talk to anyone as the friend doesn't understand and the dad is just nasty
He's now resorted to calling me a murderer yet black
Mailed me into the abortion.

[anna8315]

it is normal to feel heart broken really let time heal the pain and get somebody to talk to! for me it really helped to talk to someone about it and explain the way I feel and also to make things better work in your head to understand why you have choosen that way. I also suffered as I thought my little baby would have felt the murdering. a wise person said to me, from what point of life you can remember be on earth and I said when I was around 7 years old. It helped me to know that this tiny human inside me has not felt pain or something. still the pain is the same,.I know you always think about that human and how it would have been.

[anna8315]

Please get a counsellor, it is very important for you.

[PastysPrincess]

Yes, getting a counsellor would be the best thing for you. It will help you deal with what happened.

[Caprigal]

Hi . I am so sorry to read what you've gone through. My heart breaks as I am in a similar position. I feel as though I am losing my mind, I've even googled sectioning myself I feel so bad. I have had depression most if my life and it has been managed with medication. When I got pregnant with my first child, I came off of the medication ,pregnancy and depression was fine although the birth was traumatic, and I never went back on medication. I did try to go back on my usual one but the side effects were so bad I gave up. I am now on my second planned pregnancy. From the moment I found out I've been distraught. I am crying constantly, not here mentally for my toddler and all in all I feel the worst I ever have in my life.I've probably had 1or 2 decent days in weeks . I'm 7 weeks pregnant and have nausea all day every day which the doctor has prescribed something for. I told the doctor I am constantly wanting a termination but my husband doesn't. She said it's hormones and will settle. It's not I know it's not and I am goibg back tomorrow to see a doctor. Is a termination my only way out? I feel if I take medication I'm going to harm the baby and if it has some sort of disability when born I know I won't cope with it. And postnatal depression what if I get that too? I need to be well for my son that I already have. I'm in absolute turmol. I have people I can turn to but nobody understands this. I just want it all to stop.

[Tonijo1990]

Caprigirl that's how I felt
I was on medication for depression. Took morning after pill and was on the pill and on medication for my skin which I read wasn't good in pregnancy
So I often wonder if I would've miscarried or If it would've affected the baby
I feel I've done the best for my two boys as I had pnd and struggles with my first child
Even now my bond with him is different than my second child
I was lucky not to get it with my secon d but depression never seems to go away for me
No Matter how much counselling or anti depressants
I have a lot of personal issues which I haven't come to terms with and I felt that s third baby would just add extra stress
I wasn't sure how I'd be mentally either or physically as both previous births were bad
I feel I should've had counselling first so I could really talk to someone instead of feeling pressured into having one
However , then the pregnancy may have been further along and what about if I had wanted an abortion then ? What got me is I said to the lady if I'm passed twelve weeks then I want to keep it and I looked at the scan
Surely she should've seen I wasn't 100% and should've told me to wait
I was uncomfortable and it was more my friend and ex trying to put all the positives of the abortion into my head
But then I suppose they worry that a woman will be too far gone and it's worse
I know my baby was the size of a seed but it was still a child
Do I think I've done the best thing?! Yes , for other people but not for me

[Caprigal]

Hi Tonijo
I'm so sorry, your last sentence says it all really. You should have definetly been given support and I would ask about councilling to help you come to terms with it all. Everything you've written I could write myself. I have an amazing relationship with my son and feel I won't have that with this one. we always said we didn't want an only child but now I'm thinking it's just the wrong reason to have another child.
I had an assessment with the perinatal team last week and the doctor confirmed I have moderate clinical depression. He said I'd be better paying privately for treatment as the councilling the NHS offer just isn't available immediately and they only give you 6weeks of therapy. This might be something worth looking into yourself if you can.
I'm on medication now and the tears and breakdowns aren't as often but the slightest thing triggers off the termination thought . I've also said I want a termination before 12 weeks and feel time is running out for me. They have referred me for councilling but it could take weeks to get access to it and then it might be to late for me . I just don't feel like I want to start again especially with everything up in the air as it is, and I'm so sick ,the sickness is grinding me down to nothing right now.
I hope you are ok and get the help you truly deserve. X