Terminated my pregnancy due do depression

(13 Posts)
anna8315 Mon 22-Aug-16 10:52:43

Hello guys,
Probably this will be a long post. I am not a native English speaker so please understand if I am not writing perfect.

I suffered from depression since week 5. When I found out I was pregnant i was lucky for only one week but then my doubts and fear and anxiety started. When the tiredness and nausea started I still was very positive as i thought I would feel so low and negative because of this. In week 12 it starts to get better but i was still so worse and scared if I really wanted the baby. I have to say i was not long with my boyfriend together and he could not manage my depression. I was almost every day home in bed, attended some family events and things I had to do. When I started to consider abortion my boyfriend just left me alone with the decision, he even said it is my decision.( my personality changed complete, i was not a good person and I even thought I did not like him anymore). I was becoming desperate and went to abortion clinics but always had break downs to really do it.

Thre weeks past and my little baby was growing further and I even got more depressed. Then two days ago we went in a clinic and made a abortion at 14 week. I was crying when I did so I think actually of all the hormons i was not able to realise anymore what I am doing here. My boyfriend just looked and said nothing to me. Now I am completely sad, crying the whole day, went into psychiatric clinic where they gave me medication. There were so many pregnant womon getting help and they sometimes even stay in hospital for some time to be treated. The doctor said I would have been treated with medication during pregnancy but I missed this chance. I feel soo much guilt and such a big loose, like a good friend of mine has died. I can not get over it, also had suicidal tendences but I will be treated in hospital. I want to say to you guys, don't ever make an abortion du to depression and anxiety, it will be soo much worser afterwards. I killed my little baby and my bf did not even say something about it. He is regretting a lot and said it was the biggest mistake he has ever done because he thought i would feel better after the abortion. I went to some doctors before and said i am depressed but nobody took it for real. Just understand you have to talk to people like midwife or even go in the psychatric clinic they will help you immediately. For my baby it is now to late and i made a big mistake. I am constantly crying over the loos my strong family is behind me (they did not knew that I suffered from depression trough pregnancy, as I felt ashamed to tell them) and will support me trough this hard times in life. If god will give me a second chance than I will do everything to just keep the baby what ever it takes. Hopefully god is forgivinf me for what I have done.

PastysPrincess Mon 22-Aug-16 21:40:55

I'm really sorry for you and the situation you find yourself in. It is a very emotional time and having suffered with anxiety and depression I understand how truly awful things they are to deal with.

It sounds like you need to take some time for you and get better. You can't change the past but you can use the experiences to shape the future.

thisismyfirsttime Mon 22-Aug-16 21:50:06

I'm so sorry for you, that you were let down when you needed support flowers
You were suffering and you need to forgive yourself, you did what you thought was best. Please get help now, you can only move forward now and you deserve to.

Viviennemary Mon 22-Aug-16 22:21:31

It sounds like you were totally let down by those responsible for your care who did not properly take care of you. You could ask for counselling to talk through your feelings. You sound a very kind caring person and it's sad that you are suffering so much.

anna8315 Tue 23-Aug-16 09:12:23

Thank you so much for you nice responses. If somebody would like to share their experiences I would be very happy. Also people who maybe have gone trought it the whole pregnancy and how life was with baby then. I am also scared if I ever will get pregnant again even though they operation went well. Still have to go and check with a doctor to see if everything was properly removed.

PastysPrincess Tue 23-Aug-16 17:47:23

I didn't have depression before I had my son but its the same condition whether you have it before or after children. I really would recommend seeing a doctor and getting referred for some counselling. My therapist has already told me she can write it into my notes that certain things can be done a certain way if I were to have another child. Once they know about your condition steps should be put in place to support you if were to have another baby. So for example I will be able to have an elective c section as facing another labour would be too much for me to deal with.

anna8315 Wed 24-Aug-16 08:50:17

Just on medication now which sometimes help. You just rethink and rethink why nobody has stopped my fanatic behaviour. My boyfriend was driven me in the clinic and left me totally alone with my decision so i also thought he does not even want the baby. I am mad that I had the wrong people surrounded in this depressing time. My family feels very sad and making allegations that they did not understood what was happening with me. My boyfriend was also very immature to help. We broke up now as I am so angry that he did not care about what happened. Hopefully life becomes better soon.

PastysPrincess Wed 24-Aug-16 10:33:42

I am so sorry to hear you have broken up. Unfortunately people that we love aren't always best placed to help us. You said before that he thought he would feel better once it was done; people deal with grief in different ways. He chose to ignore it and hope it would go away. You cannot be responsible for other peoples failings. I think the best thing you can do is get someone professional to talk to; this is all so new and so raw that it's difficult to process it. I promise you, if you just take it one day at a time and seek help you can get better.

There were times in my depression that I totally regretted having my son and if someone had told me they could take him away I would have gladly let them. But, I didn't give up. I kept fighting, and that is what you must do.

PastysPrincess Thu 08-Sep-16 16:31:02

Anna8315 how are you doing?

anna8315 Sat 17-Sep-16 07:17:44

Hi Princess! There are good days and there are bad days. I started a new job and hope that will make me to not think to much. I still regret it soooo much, i wish I could turn back time. It is very hard to live with that. Sometimes I wish to become pregnant again but now i have to sort out my life a bit and see what will happen. How are you doing? Did you suffer also from prenatal depression before or did it came afterwards? How are you doing by now?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Sat 17-Sep-16 07:26:09

You havent made a mistake. You did what was right for you at the time. There is no shame or judgement in that. Take care.

PastysPrincess Sat 17-Sep-16 07:58:09

I'm glad to hear from you, your post sounds a bit more positive. Congratulations on the job; I hope things go well for you. It's definitely a good thing to be able to sort things out as you say. Are you getting support from the doctors or counsellor?

I didn't suffer from depression before my son but I did suffer anxiety a lot. I was very lucky and got the right support very quickly. I'm still in recovery and he is 2 1/2 but I'm almost there I think.

anna8315 Sat 17-Sep-16 09:49:18

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay: thank you for saying I haven't done a mistake. Maybe that is true who knows why my inner voice or conscious mind was telling me eventually to terminate the pregnancy. We never know the other way woulf have been.

PastysPrincess:

I am glad to hear you recovered well. It is so weird, i was reading a study that postpartum depression/ anxiety is often linked to boys. Maybe it really has something to do with he hormones. You should be soo proud of your little human you created and make thr best out of your life with him. Wait until he can speak and is telling you how his day was. You will love it and it gets much easier. Let me know when you feel totally good again and maybe one day I can post that I am a happy pregnant woman and life will be on the sunny side again. We all expect to be happy all the time but life is not always like that. There are good and bad times and we have to make decisions. All we can do is learning from our mistakes

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