At what point do you give up?

[HidingI]

I have depression, again. I've been through this many times before, with and without medication but it is so bad that this time I am name changing because I feel that I would be sectioned if anyone knew. I can't share in real life because friends have enough to deal with and let's face it, they get bored of having misery conversations when they have their own problems. I feel utterly desperate. I am reluctant to level with the doctor because I feel that I don't deserve my children as it is and am so afraid of them being taken away. I am horrible enough to my husband as it is. I can't burden him with even more - what can anyone do anyway? This is entirely down to me getting up and getting out and exercising and eating well and allowing myself to feel connected. I know what works. This time I cannot even find that spark.

In a fair assessment, I have to convict myself of laziness, lack of motivation, nastiness, lack of empathy and blaming other unreasonably. I have no will to live. I've eaten myself into a blob because I just don't care any more - it is almost punishment. I can't (or, to be blunt, won't allow myself to) connect with anyone and it is so damn stupid, because it is so irrational. I have no excuse for this, it's self-involved and even sociopathic. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just so fed up with myself.

I've tried CBT but it doesn't address the complete failure of motivation. I'm in counselling now, but she cancelled this week's appointment. Besides I'm finding that really hard work - I'm seeing how ridiculous my feelings are, and that probably it is just all about me not being any good at connecting. I embarrass myself. I knew addressing the underlying issues (trivial though they are) would get harder before it got better, but at what point do you say that your kids deserve more and just present yourself at a hospital and hope someone will solve the problem for you. Would they just turn me away anyway and send in social services?

[mellowyellow1]

Sorry I don't know what to say really but it is sad that you berate yourself so much, you write and communicate really well and it's clear that you're an intelligent woman.

Keep going with the counselling, even if you don't feel like it, it may help eventually.

Sorry I have no real advice but didn't want to leave your post unanswered

[Marilynsbigsister]

Hi OP - whilst I have not been in your shoes myself, my DH was. We didn't go to a hospital as didn't think they would have the set up to deal with MH (not in a large town, probably have to get someone from a bigger hospital) We went to our GP who was amazing. My DH told him how he felt and within a few hours he had a 'crisis team' . They came to our house every day for two months. A combination of CPN and Psychatrist , 2 x CPN or towards the end 1 CPN. It was a safe person for him to talk to, (and be listened to) also someone for me to talk to about the pressure of living with a severely depressed individual. They balanced his medication, recognised when his behaviour was more problematic and responded appropriately (briefly sectioned). Throughout the whole process, our 5 DC/dsc who live with us and his younger two, were unaffected. The CPN were happy that the 'other parent' (myself and his ex) were able to safeguard the children and that he was not any form of threat. Please OP, get yourself to a GP, ask for 'the crisis TEam' but you have to be honest, for your DH and your DC

[HidingI]

Thank you both for your replies.

Marilynsbigsister - that is really useful to know. The idea of people coming to the house is daunting but not impossible to consider. Could I ask please if you were working at the time or otherwise leaving the children in your DH's care? Did they place any restriction on that?

One thing that is holding me back, apart from not being sure if I'm really making a mountain out of a molehill, is that I'm the primary carer for our kids. I'm really frightened of hearing someone actually say out loud that they don't think my kids are safe with me. They are small and they are with me all the time. I love them absolutely, and am so despondent that my emotional screw-ups and erratic reactions might scar them for life. Practically, I get through the days because there is no other option, and I compartmentalise. I don't think I'm a physical danger to them and I know I am not a danger to myself because of them. So maybe it is just a matter of getting my head down and pressing on through this. I'm so tired of it, but then, no-one promised an easy ride.

[Marilynsbigsister]

Our situation is slightly different. My Dh has 4 children. The 2 eldest live with us but are late teens and one is at uni. I have 3 who are also mid to late teens - one also at uni. So practically, we have a 14, 16 and 17 yr old who live with us full time. I work full time. - Dh has 2 younger (13&14 ) with ex. They come over every other weekend. She is a living nightmare and uses any hiccup in mh to berate Dh with. Constantly threatens to withhold contact as he is 'not safe'... He has NEVER been a threat. We have had to go to court to get contact orders - last time when they were 8&9. - Judge ordered cafcass reports, psychiatric report. All confirmed what we already knew, no threat to dcs in any way. Nightmare ex ordered to allow contact with immediate effect... So OP, back to your question. MH issues are not something you can hide. Nor should you. If YOUR MH is a danger/difficult to your dcs, then as their mum, you must put their welfare before your feelings. If you are so poorly that the experts think a time apart from you would be best for both of you, then you have to do what's best - in my experience, the mental health services bend over backwards to keep a family together and would rather provide that extra support than the unbelievably expensive route of 'care'. In all of this you MUST acknowledge you have a problem that you are struggling with. The time when children get removed usually has very little to do with the actual MH issue, but the sufferer lying, and being deceptive about how they feel. If you can be honest, the people looking after you will trust you. If there is trust they can believe you.its when trust goes that 'authorities' step in. They simply can't take risks- and without trust - risk increases.

[Candlefairy101]

Hi OP just a quick post I'll be back later but I have been sectioned twice and I have my 3rd child on the way and not once have the social services been involved. The reason they have never seen me as a threat is because I myself ask for help from the mental health team. This goes in your favour, ss are usually involved if they 'find out' your I'll and your doing nothing productive to deal with it x

[HidingI]

I had a couple of good days which allowed me to see how wrong things were when it isn't good. And as circumstances would have it, I went to my gp today. I didn't go into detail about my mental health as I was really there on an urgent appointment about a different, more mundane health issue, but the constant pain and impairment of that has been leeching away any strength I've built up through cbt and counselling. He's seen me through a lot so I only needed to say I was at the end of what I could manage. I have been on Citalopram before but we decided instead on sertraline - I think I just felt it was a backward step to go back on something I feel was only ever a sticking plaster. Now I've read more about sertraline I am really unsure. I don't want to waste more months on a sticking plaster, and the first weeks sound like they could be horrible. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I wanted to not leave you hanging after your kind and helpful responses. I'll get there, even if it is via hell.

[HidingI]

Fwiw, I'll cheerfully split infinitives in whatsoever mental state I find myself! Grammar structures can be a kind of refuge when there is a constant torrent of idiocy you have to ignore in yourself, but I hope the SSRIs don't quash my inner rebel.