depression and getting worse

[EJEJEJ]

I cry a large portion of waking hours. When I get home from work I just get in bed and stare at the wall. I don't have motivation or energy to cook, read a book, or barely even can watch TV (I used to love reading and cooking.) I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep, and I find myself crying half the time, and I cry in the mornings. I do yoga every single morning but sometimes one unkind word from my husband sends me over the edge and I just feel so low, just streaming down with tears. I feel like giving up on life, I feel lonely, and most of all I feel like I have no reason or purpose in living. I just wake up, eat, go to work, come home, eat, go to sleep, and wake up - there's no joy or purpose in any of it. I don't have motivation for any of the hobbies I had before. I am happy about my baby coming but I am terrified of raising it alone because I feel like my husband will continue his habits of being out of the house most of the time. I just sit there alone and cry, thinking about the future, how hopeless my situation is, how terrible my baby's life will be and I can't do anything about it. This is not me.

I don't know what good it will do to post this, but I have no one to talk to. I think my friends are getting tired of me saying I am depressed. My husband gets angry when I cry and yells at me that I am causing him stress. He won't listen to me talk about how I feel, though I repeatedly say that it's not his fault. He just goes out and gets drunk with his friends and then when I ask him to stop he says it's because of me, he hates coming home to me because all I do is cry. So I'm alone all the time. Apparently no one cares, not him or his friends who have seen how upset I am when he goes out. I just feel like an extremely insignificant person. Even my husband prefers to be with his friends and not even see me during a 24 hours period than to be with me. Then he comes home and apologizes, etc, but it's all just a lie because he does it again a few days later.

I have to add that I live in South Korea, where it's sadly common for men to drink any day of the week till any hour, it's not considered really irresponsible (apparently since half of his own friends who ask him out to drink have families too. One of them told me his wife is five months pregnant just like me. I was like "so why aren't you home supporting her?")

The isolation and living in a foreign country certainly makes it hard. That's part of it. I just got home from a trip to the states, with my family, and it was nice but even there I cried almost every day. Like if someone was mean to me without cause, just snapped at me or something, it would send me over the edge because I'm like "I come home once every two years and you treat me like dirt." Of course they care about me but it just doesn't feel good, and it's clearer and clearer to me now that I do not get treated as I treat others.

But my husbands' behavior is probably the biggest factor in this depression. I feel extremely hopeless about it. I have tried everything. I told the doctor I am depressed and cried in front of him and the nurse, with my husband there, and the doctor told him that depression is common in pregnant women and that he needs to support me a lot or it might turn into post-natal depression and get worse. He heard this, and yet he got even drunker, was even meaner, and left me alone during the following few days. I know he is stressed about the baby too, and I know I am probably causing him stress, but I don't know what to do. Just the thought that I am causing someone else pain and stress makes me even more sad.

Is this going to go away? I am usually a strong, positive, adventurous woman. I moved to Korea and married a local and I've lived all over the world...I have a master's degree in philosophy and I have a job I love. I just really hate my life. I wake up in the morning and I hate my life. Am I nuts?

[EmMcK]

Oh EJ, you poor thing. It does sound like you are depressed. Until I had DD I had no idea there was such a thing as ante-natal depression. I am sorry you feel so rubbish - I wish I could help you as I do remember how horrible that feeling of not seeing any joy in anything is. You aren't nuts, you are depressed. It bites, but it DOES end.
I don't know what sort of support network there is in Korea - do you have a midwife for the pregnancy that you could chat to? Or is there a group of ex-pats you could talk to?
Is there anything I can do from across the sea, but in in a similar time zone, for you right now? Anything you want to talk about?

[EJEJEJ]

Thanks, I do want to FaceTime my family but I feel like they'll see I've been crying or I am unhappy. I hate that. They get all upset then, too. And they know I was sad when I was there a couple weeks back, but I never said I am depressed.

Unfortunately in Korea depression isn't really acknowledged as a thing. I have never heard of anyone going to therapy nor have I heard of anyone being a professional therapist here. I mean, this is one of the most depressed countries in the world, and I teach high school, the most depressed group of people possible, but no teacher, student or parent has ever mentioned depression or therapy. I think they think if they tell each other to cheer up and stick with the group mentality, no one falls behind, which is completely ridiculous. Anyway, I have a good doctor who I love who speaks English, and I asked him if there's anything I can do, please help me. And he said no, there is nothing anyone can do.

I never felt it this bad before. The doctor asked if I had been depressed before in my life and I really haven't, though maybe I am more profoundly sad than most people. I think that's a result of being a very critical thinker or something. i was raised very logically then I went on to study philosophy, I don't know - sometimes the conclusions you come to about life are terrible! But now it just seems like I really don't have any reason why I am here. I wake up and I am like, why am I still here? I want to have my baby and then just crawl in a hole. And I know that's totally not going to happen. Anyway, the good thing is I am still concerned about my baby's health and life, so that keeps me somewhat motivated to try to eat right and exercise.

My friend told me "you need a hobby or routine" but she doesn't understand, it's not like I gave up hobbies or things i like doing, like going to the beach (I live in a really beautiful island) - it's not like I gave them up consciously or intentionally. I just feel like, when presented with the option, I'd rather go home and get in bed and wait for time to just pass. I feel like this can't be explained easily. I've told my husband this, and I have to speak to him in Korean so it's not easy for me. And sometimes he hugs me and says he's there for me and sometimes he yells at me and says I need to stop crying because it's causing him stress. I mean, he has no clue how I feel. If depression wasn't explained to him as part of the culture, how can I tell him now? I don't know how to find an article on it in Korean or anything.

[EJEJEJ]

Thank you so much both of you for your concern. I don't know if there's anything you can do, probably not, but knowing someone doesn't think I am crazy helps a lot. It just feels so bad that a stranger on the internet gets it but people right near me don't. You know?

it's so funny because I spent so much time here as a high school teacher really understanding my most depressed students, and talking to them about their feelings. Yet I now have no one to talk to. Maybe I need to find them and have them return the favor!

ANd no, midwives aren't really a thing here so much, pregnant women and Koreans in general love and worship doctors. The good thing is I can go to my doctor anytime I want and it's really cheap, so if it gets really bad I feel like that's my last resort. To just beg him to help me...I don't know. He won't be able to.

[EJEJEJ]

CamelHump - I'd love to. Really. But he can't speak/read English very well.

I think I could actually go after work today and write a letter to him in Korean though. I need some words from the dictionary I don't know exactly. Yeah, it might help. I just have this fear, that's part of it - that I'll do it and then it won't help at all. He'll be nice for a few days and then it will go back to how it was before. I know he loves me a lot but maybe he's depressed too. He doesn't communicate feelings so well. He gets stress out through anger or alcohol. Probably cultural.

[EmMcK]

Depression is only really just being accepted where I live now as a real thing. It must be double hard to try and explain the feeling when you are in a society where the construct of it is unknown.
Would showing him what you wrote help, like Camel has suggested?
I love this article here - it is so true www.beckeleven.co.nz/blogcolumns/fighting-the-black-dog

[EmMcK]

I have just started "coming out" to my friends about my depression, but I would rather juggle chainsaws than try and tell my sister, and I feel I can be totally honest on the internet. Go figure. I am just pleased that you can vent on here. It is cathartic.
Damn shame about the midwives. And EJ, even if he doesn't quite get it, is what you need from his just a bit more empathy? So not to get angry with you? Maybe you put it that way - don't try and get him to fully understand what you feel like, but focus on asking him to provide you with more support? Would that make sense?

[BecksTroll]

Oh lordie. I don't know what to tell you. Or rather I do, but I'm not sure how to say it.
If you had said on your visit home you had been treated like a queen, I would have said Go home, give birth there, spend the first few months with your family then review all your options.
As it is that also does not sound like sage advice. I just think it is going to get worse before it gets better, if your dh doesn't support you fully. PND is like walking through quicksand, add to that sleep deprivation, in-laws/cultural differences/ isolation as an ex-pat etc I would say you are a sitting duck.

So you need to formulate a plan:

Expectations of DH vs reality: ie who is doing all the nights? when will you get a break?
Anti depressants: if you are bf there should still be some meds you can take
Exercise/meals cooked to freeze/ in law support/ babymoon
Post in Living Overseas - there must be some mumsnetters in Korea

But in light of the male culture, your partner's lack of empathy and sympathy, your own feelings of hopelessness and inertia....I see a bad moon arising and would urge you to travel to wherever you have the biggest circle of support.
I say this as an ex pat suffering PND

[EJEJEJ]

Thank you everyone. I will attempt to tell him that I just need his support and he doesn't have to try to understand. That's a good idea, EmMCK.

I tell him sorry all the time. He asks me nicely, why are you crying? Then when I answer, like I feel like I don't like my life or I am scared of the future sitting home alone with a baby with a drunk husband, he gets so mad. I stopped saying it's anything to do with him. I now just say "I am just sad. and you can't understand. and I am sorry" and he stills gets mad. He doesn't understand, because I did promise months ago to stop crying, and back then I could. I said if you stop drinking so much, just on weekends, I'll stop crying. But that didn't happen. So he uses that, he says you promised to stop crying and you broke your promise, so I can do whatever I want. He acts like i am taking away his freedom when I say, we are having a baby and I need you here, and the baby will need you at home. He says he is allowed to have friends and I never said he couldn't, in fact I have told him the friends are fine, just please invite me and let's go have lunch or coffee or something, not just go get wasted three or four nights a week. But these thirty-somethings can't seem to get out of their habit that in order to have a conversation they must be drinking. And in Korea it's not just a couple beers. That would be okay with me. It's hard liquor, and they presure each other into it. I mean last night at 3am we watched a guy trying to revive his drunk friend who fell out of their taxi on the curb in front of our building for like 45 minutes. on a Wednesday. in a suburb area. who are these people?? that's where the biggest source of my feelings of lack of control comes from. Because even if I can change myself and be a good mother and do everything on my own - somehow - I still can't change the fact that literally every man around me is a drunk. It's so sad. I never wanted my baby to grow up around this, and it just breaks my heart. Why can't, when his friends call, can't he say "my wife is having a bad day i need to be with her?" he never does this. He'll have plans with me to eat together and just cancel them as soon as his friend says "I'll be by your house in ten minutes."

I think the loneliness and fear of the future is the worst part. because I have expat friends, sure, but the ones I was closest with years ago left, and I have a couple close friends but mostly acquaintances. I don't want to burden someone who isn't my real friend yet with this stuff. So I just feel like I can't tell anyone anything.

but I will write him a letter, I think, today, and say how it feels like I am trapped within my own feelings and i just need someone there. Just to hug me and not get mad that I am crying.

By the way, my in-laws are amazing. They live pretty far away though (on the mainland). He has two older sisters and nice parents. I love his mom. I have been holding out telling them anything. I don't know them well but I could send them a message. His mom told me if he does anything wrong to call him. And I mentioned he hangs out with his friends all the time and drinks and comes home late last time and they apparently cornered him and told him off about that. So there's hope. But if I choose to involve them, that could be something I can never go back from and might make our relationship worse. It's a last resort.

[BecksTroll]

Oh lovey.
Did he always drink or did it start after the honeymoon phase was over? Were you always excluded?
Was the pregnancy planned?
PM me any time you need to vent. Even if I name change it should still reach my inbox and I WILL get back to you.
He sounds selfish and immature and irresponsible. Sorry. I am sure he has many good points but whether they outweigh the bad ones? I am glad your in laws are supportive. If you are close to them, I would suggest you stay with them on the mainland post-birth. Just for a week or two. It takes a village etc
Your DH is getting mad because he feels attacked. You are calling him out on his lads' nights. So he is biting back rather than examining his own actions. He needs to look at this. Similarly at the I won't cry if you won't drink scenario.
He needs to be aware that HIS drinking is causing YOUR pain. If he cannot or will not see this, then you do not have a future with this man.

[EJEJEJ]

Thank you BecksTroll. I mean, we used to drink together. I've gone out with him and his friends before sometimes. Then I decided to live a healthy lifestyle and pretty much stopped last December. Yeah, he always had a night or two a week where he did this - in Korea if your boss says you have to go eat dinner and get drunk, you can't say no. I get that. But no, somewhere around the same time I got pregnant, he met these new guys. they're probably decent guys actually, sober. But I can't help but get angry at just he thought of them, how they call him up at 10pm on a Tuesday and say hey let's go out, how he ignores my calls when he is with them or promises to be home by a certain time and not drink too much but he doesn't live up to the promises. But it's not their fault, I mean he can say no and he doesn't. So I made my choice, and I can find a way to live with it. He does get better, very gradually - like he really has reduced the amount of drinking to be honest. and he really does come home earlier than he used to. He's not a terrible person. He loves me and comes to all my doctor's appointments, and he was more excited about the pregnancy than I was in the beginning. He clearly was raised by good people, and he holds a job and does improvements on our new apartment to get ready for our new family. But it's like...we could have put up curtains last week if he didn't drink half the time. We could have gone shopping for a new vacuum cleaner. Yes, he is selfish and immature a lot...

If I go stay with my in-laws when the baby comes, how can I transport all the baby stuff there? Not possible. Anyway, my own mom will be here for three weeks. If he continues this stuff...she will be shocked. and I will feel so embarrassed.

Anyway, the point that really depresses me isn't all this stuff. It's the thought that we were best friends, really. And he says I am the most important person in the world to him. But his actions don't match that anymore. He used to say no sometimes if his friends called him up but it seems like he never does now. So, what depresses me is that I am just no one to him. I am crying and crying and he just goes out with them and has a good time, and I am just alone in the apartment so much. I feel like I am just nothing to him. And now I cry a lot and I must be such a boring person to hang around with. Of course he wouldn't want to spend time with me. I don't want to spend time with me either!

[BecksTroll]

Hey lovely. Am just about to PM you now, okay? I am sure many people would and do like spending time with you, you know. The black dog of depression is a bitch but you are not.

[EJEJEJ]

Thank you all so much for your concern about me. It does make a difference.

I was feeling better for about a week, after writing a letter to my husband last thursday about how I feel when I get in this rut. He completely changed, and wasn't angry anymore when I cried or wanted to just lie in bed and not get up for anything. He was so sweet, and came to my rescue, and said I'm okay and let's go out and do something fun. It helped a lot.

But then, the odd fight, about the dishes or laundry, would just send me over the edge again. In fact it's not a fight really, it's just him yelling at me and lecturing me, saying the same thing over and over, and me saying sorry over and over again. Who am I anymore? I don't have any desire to fight back. All I had done was ask him not to turn on the tap water to let it run for five minutes unnecessarily. I said "the world doesn't have a lot of water" and that just set him off. Like, a whole day or two is just wasted because of that reason.

I was feeling very very low yesterday. In the morning almost went to my boss to ask to go home early, but didn't. I held back. I made it through the day. All I kept thinking all day was I wanted to go home and lie in bed and cry it out. Finally, I made it home and did just that, and he comes home, takes a shower, slicks his hair back and puts on cologne and says he's going out with his friends, immediately. Doesn't care how bad I am feeling, just kisses me and says sorry like that's all there is to it. I asked him not to go, I am feeling so bad, please stay with me. I knew if he went he'd come home late, drunk, and in the morning hungover and irritable, so I couldn't predict the next time I would be able to speak to him. but he just left. I called him one more time to ask where are you, and come back, and he hung up on me.

I just sat alone in the apartment, and forced myself to eat a healthy salad, I kept telling myself it's for the baby. Then I immediately went to bed. I probably slept 11 hours. I was so lonely. I just wanted sleep to relieve me of my tears.

I woke up and did yoga as usual, and felt okay after that, but when he got up he yelled at me for putting his dirty pants, which had been lying in the middle of the kitchen floor, in the laundry basket. And I just felt terrible again. I feel functional, though, which is better than yesterday.

I don't know what to do. I just keep thinking I can't take care of a baby by myself, i can't even take care of myself. I feel like a bad person.