PND and regret advice

(14 Posts)
Charlj90 Mon 01-Jun-15 10:53:32

I am suffering really bad PND and have started meds for this! The main concern for me which is making my depression worse is the regret I have for having the baby even though I was so looking forward to it and I feel I don't love him! I know it's awful! Is this normal? Have other people suffered this and does it get better? Will this regret go? I just want to be happy and enjoy my baby but at the moment I don't see this happening

Reekypear Mon 01-Jun-15 10:57:36

Yes, and it's awful.

Did I ever regret having the baby, yes. Does it go, when you get better it should.

You need counselling ASAP.

I'm not going to kid you, it's going to be a hard road.

Charlj90 Mon 01-Jun-15 11:20:48

How long did it take you to get better?

Goandplay Mon 01-Jun-15 11:31:43

Hello. I had awful PND, I would say about 10 months I started feeling better.
Sleep helped. It felt manageable when I could sleep - I think this is because I could escape and feel restored.
I also had two regular things a week to break my week up; I spent the day at my sisters once a week and I had a coffee with my friend once a week without the babies. This definitely helped.
I started counselling when they were about 6 months and that was a big turning point for me.
I did feel regret and it passed. My sister didn't have PND with her 2nd and she said she felt like this in the first few weeks and my SIL also had similar feelings without PND with her second.
My twins are two now and I adore being at home with them but still need regular breaks.
My advice would be get breaks as and when you can, try to find anything that helps, even slightly, if it stops working then stop doing it. I spoke to occupational health and the lady I spoke to said try not to focus on how I was feeling or why and accept it and know it won't last forever. Those words eased the burden for me. You have a illness and it will pass. brewflowerscake

Goandplay Mon 01-Jun-15 11:32:57

I hope that wasn't too muddled, on hold for Tax Credits.

Reekypear Mon 01-Jun-15 11:35:29

The worst bit about one year.

Excellent advice from go and play.

Charlj90 Mon 01-Jun-15 14:15:02

Thank you for your kind words just going through a difficult time at the moment been assessed by mental health team twice who have changed my meds from paroxetine to mirtazepine just want to get better I have my good moments my baby is only 4 weeks old so I suppose I should give it time! Some days I feel like giving up its just this regret of having the baby that is so hard to overcome I just want to be the good mum I thought I was because I was so happy during my pregnancy xx what was your experience of PND like? If you don't mind me asking xx

Reekypear Mon 01-Jun-15 22:35:24

Charli....your babies only four weeks, that's fantastic, I'm sure you will greT better much quicker, mine was undiagnosed for 6 months, so got really bedded in. With my next child I had treatment right away, and it only lasted a couple of months.

What was mine like, well a feeling of disconnect.....and frankly I blame society for the rush of love crap.....I had a strong protective urge, but the fuzzy stuff did not kick in right away, as I accused myself of failure in this area I compounded my guilt, instead of just going with the flow, I tried too hard.

Also I think people giving me no privacy, too many visitors, second time I banned everyone, no apologies.

My PND baby is a man now, we are like two peas in a pod personality wise, and emotional make up. We bring out the best and the worst in each other, but all that aside I'm proud of what I have achieved, regardless of Pnd.

Remember, this too shall pass.

Goandplay Tue 02-Jun-15 00:21:14

It will take some time for your medication to be sorted out. It may be a bit of trial and error. Remember to take them. I have forgotten all about them for periods of time when I've felt better and crashed.

My experience was feeling hopeless, crying all the time and a feeling of certainty that it will never ever be better. I woke in the morning with a churning stomach and would be backwards and forwards to the toilet with dread for the day and then the same would happen at night at my bedtime.
I was obsessed with routine as in when would they get in a routine, when can I have some routine to my day.
I wanted to run away and would fantasise about something happening to me that would require a long stay in hospital.
I developed a very dark humour that was unsettling to people around me.
I felt no connection to my babies, as though I was babysitting.
I desperately wanted someone to come and make it better.
I spent most of my time just crying.

I used a book - Your Baby Week By Week which helped me know what was normal with the babies. It has a chart each week showing the normal ranges for hours crying, feeding, sleeping etc. it made the whole job feel more manageable.

I have always openly discussed having PND and I think that helped me. The support I felt from people was comforting. Often people will say that they had similar feelings when they had their baby.

Goandplay Tue 02-Jun-15 00:26:09

Enjoy the good moments and remind yourself that the bad moments will pass.

I think I had grief for my life before; and I was so sad for how I had imagined it would be while I was pregnant.

It's the same as having a broken leg - it will heal, you can't see it healing but you know with time and rest it will.

Take lots of photos of your baby and you with your baby so you can look back at how tiny they are.

Your baby will never remember any of this and as long as they are clean, fed and cuddled (by anyone it doesn't have to be you all the time) then you are doing a great job.

Goandplay Tue 02-Jun-15 00:28:46

Keep going! When the day feels too long get through the next hour, when the next hour is too long get through the next 10 minutes.

Sorry for broken posts.

When I walked through my door earlier after being out for half and hour I was greeted by lots of cuddles and cheers. They are none the wiser for how hard I found it in the beginning.

Charlj90 Tue 02-Jun-15 16:10:05

Thank you for replying! It's nice to know you got over this devil that has grasped me! It's just the feeling of regret I hate and I want to disappear even though I was so looking forward to him arriving now I look and don't want him regret having him it's so horrible! I just want this to pass! X

Goandplay Wed 03-Jun-15 18:47:50

That's why I would recommend photos for when you feel better so you can look back.

Any changes this week?

Do you get any time to yourself away from baby? How is he and you sleeping?

Lahottiereturns Fri 05-Jun-15 10:46:51

Charlj90, I sympathise so very much. Truthfully I regretted having my son until he was about 7 months old, and I now know all of that was down to PND and anxiety. I believe it lasted this long because I waited far too long to get properly onto medication. I kept starting and stopping new drugs every few days due to side effects.

Within 6 weeks of getting properly onto escitalopram, my feelings changed 180 degrees. I am besotted by my little boy. He is about to turn one, and every day my eyes well with tears at what a joy he is.

I have chosen not to regret the time lost to regret, and guilt caused by the regret. I was unwell, and that impacted my bonding with my son. Now I am well and everything is at it should be.

When I was fully recovered (about 12 weeks after starting medication) I took my little man on holiday alone for a week. I would never have done this before, the travel anxiety and lack of sleep would have killed me. But this trip was so wonderful....he helped me as much I helped him, we managed together as a little team, and it signalled my recovery. On our return my little boy and I could not be closer, and he could not be happier. I am blessed to have experienced this year long journey, and when you get better you have all this to look forward to. Good luck!

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