pre natal panic

[Remytrixie]

So I don’t even know why I feel the need to write this maybe if I put it on paper to try understand or get it off my chest somehow.
I have two beautiful children my first was a complete surprise and other than horrible morning sickness I embraced my bump and couldn’t wait to meet my little bubba when she arrived she was beautiful and I found my calling being a mummy I spend my maternity leave completely in love with her and was hysterical when I had to return to work so much I walked out after 4 weeks I just couldn’t bare to be away from her it effected us massively financially but I didn’t care just after her first birthday I got my 2nd positive and 9 months later my 2nd darlin arrived I felt complete happy over the moon yes it was twice the work but seeing their bond grow day by day made my heart melt I embraced it all double buggys double everything really and for 2 years other than me generally developing a fierce animal protection over my family that I wanted the best everything seemed fine I was happy well at least I thought I was that’s why when I found out my positive no 3 I was happy surprised but happy everything was all good until I had a early scan due to pain I had 5 weeks come back 6 weeks come back 7 weeks we think your having a miscarriage I have to wait to 11 weeks to actually miscarry ….
I cry and cry I look at my two darlins and feel so lucky me and my husband actually really pull together to get thru it and I feel like my family is really strong we spend more time doing fun things and it made us appreciate what we have. Then 2months on I get my 4th positive we decided after miscarriage we would just leave it down to nature so wasn’t surprised but so scared seeing the positive please be okay please please so I surprise myself with telling the scan unit I want to come in at 7 weeks when they will know yes or no I cant deal with all the waiting back and forth again 7 weeks scan doesn’t show much but all okay I’m so relieved so happy this is really happening I start to get a lot of sickness I feel good at first and take it as a good sign but the sickness gets worst and worst I cant eat sleep I start fainting getting dizzy
I’m struggling with nursery run I get signed off work I break out in rash I go doctors over and over the medication they give me to stop me throwing up is the same a chemotherapy patients it makes me pass out every afternoon I keep waking on sofa with my darlins next to me ive passed out I cant cook without throwing up I basically house bound I try to take kids out I cant even push pram im snappy horrible I start feeling I cant cope I cant do this I hide this for weeks even thru the next scan I feel strange but happy to be told all looking good only to start having panic attacks soon after at first I didn’t know what was happening I go doctors again …again…again…I get new meds to try help panic only for them to send me insane I have panic attacks 24/7 im throwing up all over house cars ..I go to boots to collect meds and all of a sudden the world goes silent ive gone deaf ….I grab the disable bar and I feel myself going ..lucky my husband spots me from the car …two days later I walk in hallway to tell my husband I don’t feel right ….the next thing I wake up to torch in my eyes and paramedics leaning over me they think ive had a stroke
A n e sends me into a panic I tell my husband I have to sort this get better … drips tests bloods ….I have a kidney infection uti and gestational diabetes my sugar is 0 from all the sickness..we leave but this darkness leaves with me im bed bound I only get up for bathroom im on more drugs the panic attacks hit dark thoughts start to come I feel like this heaviness on me I see my darlins they come in kiss me and ask when will I be better when can I play I cry and cry I just want to die how could I do this to them how could I risk there happiness I finally tell my husband all these thoughts he crys but part of him must be able to see how bad things are because when I tell him I really don’t think I can continue like this he knows what I mean I cant continue with this pregnancy I cant believe im saying thinking any of this im crying hopeless after doctors psychologist councillors prenatal depression diagnosis and 26 days of no sleep my dark thoughts became reality and my husband trys to help me thru this dark haze im no longer pregnant after wanting to be being heart broken after a miscarriage how did this happen
I am just disgusted in myself I never ever judged anyone about choice but never thought
That would be a choice I ever made also I wanted a baby I wanted a big family I feel like the horse that bolted and I just don’t know why why did this happen was the miscarriage
A sign that I wouldn’t cope ?im so confused im heartbroken I feel like life is just over I think about if I take all these tablets my mum will raise my darlins. The panic is still there but more a consent dialogue
In my head you will never be the mum or person you was life is over I wont attempt anything nursery run
Leave the house speak to anyone eat wash im sofa bound my head is just ruined .

I’m in a deep darkness the one thing I cant do is cry its just numb all the thoughts in my head twisting circling back and forth so many I cant even process them just blur and create a heavy bass in my head
As time passes the heartbreak and sadness creeps in and covers the numbness the only reason I move from bed to sofa is to see my darlins face.

Everything seems so so hard I cant face the doorbell or postman walking to shop takes a 20min prep talk
My life is over im a hermit crab am I really going to be this kind of mother ?? Wife??
My husband takes me to councillor weekly Im a wreak every journey if it wasn’t for him holding my hand I feel like I would walk in front of a bus. Weeks months passed therapy cbt mindfulness meditation
Medication as time passes the panic attacks begin to calm slightly I wake up with a nervous energy that makes me feel sick everyday also the tablets have so many side effects headaches queasy acne chapped lips . I tell work I quit luckily they just sign me off and give me the time to try and deal with this everyone keeps saying baby steps and it makes me what to punch them baby steps I cant hear or see that word everywhere is surrounds me even adverts on tv just send me into deep dark thoughts .

Time passes again I feel fear over every little thing as I pick up my darlins from nursery first time in months my heart is beating crazy
Do they all know? Do they wonder were ive been? They simply give me my darlins…lots of situations like this for months going to the local shops parks its like facing the real world again ..little things come back cooking my darlins dinner letting my husband sleep in my bed even talking to anyone I let one friend in after her persuading me to just open the door
She really brings light into the dark glasses im wearing.

6months on im almost maybe 70% the person I was I’ll never be the that person 100% but I can laugh smile at my darlins change nappies feed them be a half mummy at least the door bell doesn’t send me into a panic
But I still avoid certain parts of the real world.
A massive sadness as much as I love my 2.4 family I always believed
We would have more darlins I feel I don’t ever deserve another chance I also feel I just couldn’t risk putting my family thru this.

Im heartbroken I still and will never know why ? My reason for writing this is I hope no one has ever gone thru anything like this but if you have your not alone

[Jenbird5891]

Hi I think you're very brave to write this down and hope it has helped you in some way. I think too many people suffer silently in private trying to hide it from the world. It is a cliche but take each day as it comes and don't be too hard on yourself as it sounds like you've hit the bottom and are slowly climbing your way back up. You are strong to do that after what you've been through don't ever give up. Lots of hugs xxxx

[Remyandbrandy]

Thank you so much for your kind words I wasn't sure and took me 30mins looking at the post button to click it but I just feel so alone and a lady on here helped me so wanted to let share incase anyone went thru this xx

[bugoven]

You sound like a strong, wonderful mother who has been through a very difficult time and deserves the wellness and happiness you are fighting so hard for. Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me Xx

[Remyandbrandy]

Thank you so much I really hope no one has ever gone thru anything similar but I wanted to let people know I'm still in shock 6months on I really appreciate every comment xxx

[Remyandbrandy]