Hello all, I am new to this site. Had my first baby 4 weeks ago. I am scared by how bad I feel and the mood swings I have been having .I'm not very good at expressing my feelings as I'm usually quite self contained and private, so I hope what I'm saying makes sense to people. I have never felt so low or so scared and wish I could disappear or melt away.
I am so tearful and anxious all the time. Today I have cried off and on all day long and I'm not sure why, I have a constant feeling of anxiety which at times is low level and at other times, like today, is crippling. I cant identify a pattern as to what makes the good days good or the bad days bad. I have been forcing myself to go for a walk around the neighbourhood with the baby daily since she was 2 weeks old but today I haven't done it. It feels like way too much effort and only a stalling tactic to when I have to come back to the house and be alone with her.
Mornings and evenings usually are worst-in the morning I dread the day ahead, at night I dread the fact that she will inevitably wake for a feed but who knows when?! My husband has returned to work and he was good before he went back, he's now getting impatient with my moods and won't do any night feeds because he's got work in the morning. I want to scream at him, "you can walk away from your sodding job at 5pm, I'm stuck here with this baby morning noon and sodding night". I feel bad for feeling so resentful and for the fact that, whilst I make sure my child is washed, fed, comfortable etc, that I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not enjoying it at all. I feel hollow and detached, like everything is unreal. She does go back to sleep after waking for a feed at night but I can't. I lie there feeling anxiety and dread for no specific reason.
I worry that soon my child will be old enough to realise what a nasty person I am, that she will hate me and that it would be better for everyone if I just left. I desperately want to run away or disappear.
I do love her and I certainly don't want to hurt her, I do everything she needs in terms of feeding, changing etc but feel really detached from it all, like I'm just going through the motions, existing but not really "there!. I have no idea how to talk to her or what to say. I feel like I can only really breathe when I'm away from her, I feel better knowing that someone else like my husband or mum is taking care of her.
I've never had any mood related issues before and this is really scaring me. The health visitor has been here twice and has asked, with checklist in hand and pen hovering over the "yes" tick box "are you looking forward to things as usual?" (her exact, bizarre phasing). I just want to scream, what are you on about woman?! The fact is I haven't told her how bad I feel because I don't find her approachable and she always appears hurried. Also as I say because I'm usually very reserved. I have read some of the other posts to this topic and am scared to seek medical advice in case they dismiss me.
I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. I feel terrible for admitting to all of the above but I can't go on feeling this way.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
I want to disappear.
18 replies
Madge2012 · 24/06/2014 15:51
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Sillylass79 ·
24/06/2014 16:01
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Sillylass79 ·
25/06/2014 15:53
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Sillylass79 ·
25/06/2014 21:38
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