I want to disappear.

(19 Posts)
Madge2012 Tue 24-Jun-14 15:51:24

Hello all, I am new to this site. Had my first baby 4 weeks ago. I am scared by how bad I feel and the mood swings I have been having .I'm not very good at expressing my feelings as I'm usually quite self contained and private, so I hope what I'm saying makes sense to people. I have never felt so low or so scared and wish I could disappear or melt away.

I am so tearful and anxious all the time. Today I have cried off and on all day long and I'm not sure why, I have a constant feeling of anxiety which at times is low level and at other times, like today, is crippling. I cant identify a pattern as to what makes the good days good or the bad days bad. I have been forcing myself to go for a walk around the neighbourhood with the baby daily since she was 2 weeks old but today I haven't done it. It feels like way too much effort and only a stalling tactic to when I have to come back to the house and be alone with her.

Mornings and evenings usually are worst-in the morning I dread the day ahead, at night I dread the fact that she will inevitably wake for a feed but who knows when?! My husband has returned to work and he was good before he went back, he's now getting impatient with my moods and won't do any night feeds because he's got work in the morning. I want to scream at him, "you can walk away from your sodding job at 5pm, I'm stuck here with this baby morning noon and sodding night". I feel bad for feeling so resentful and for the fact that, whilst I make sure my child is washed, fed, comfortable etc, that I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not enjoying it at all. I feel hollow and detached, like everything is unreal. She does go back to sleep after waking for a feed at night but I can't. I lie there feeling anxiety and dread for no specific reason.

I worry that soon my child will be old enough to realise what a nasty person I am, that she will hate me and that it would be better for everyone if I just left. I desperately want to run away or disappear.

I do love her and I certainly don't want to hurt her, I do everything she needs in terms of feeding, changing etc but feel really detached from it all, like I'm just going through the motions, existing but not really "there!. I have no idea how to talk to her or what to say. I feel like I can only really breathe when I'm away from her, I feel better knowing that someone else like my husband or mum is taking care of her.

I've never had any mood related issues before and this is really scaring me. The health visitor has been here twice and has asked, with checklist in hand and pen hovering over the "yes" tick box "are you looking forward to things as usual?" (her exact, bizarre phasing). I just want to scream, what are you on about woman?! The fact is I haven't told her how bad I feel because I don't find her approachable and she always appears hurried. Also as I say because I'm usually very reserved. I have read some of the other posts to this topic and am scared to seek medical advice in case they dismiss me.

I really don't know what to do or where to go from here. I feel terrible for admitting to all of the above but I can't go on feeling this way.

EwanHoozami Tue 24-Jun-14 16:00:31

They won't dismiss you. You write so eloquently about how you are feeling, do you think you can express yourself to a GP in the same way? You've made the very bravest step, and that's admitting to yourself how you're feeling.

Now you need a bit of help. It will get better. You will get better.

Keep posting.

Sillylass79 Tue 24-Jun-14 16:01:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklingsea Tue 24-Jun-14 16:04:28

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am sure others will have some more experience but I really didn't want your post to go un answered.

I feel certian you wont be dismissed if you seek medical advice, do you feel comfortable talking to your GP? It it so common to feel completely knocked sideways with a new baby and the health professionals have seen it all many, many times before. It is sometimes a relief just to tell someone so could you make that first step and go and see your GP?

By posting on here you have made the first step in admitting how you feel, so many others have been in your positoin and got help and you can to.

Take care

chockbic Tue 24-Jun-14 16:04:55

Can your husband do 1 or 2 night feeds?

Its not fair to put it all onto you.

Sorelip Tue 24-Jun-14 16:05:54

I've been where you are.

Please go to your GP. Antidepressants saved me, literally.

Hard to write more on phone, but once you've seen your gp and got the help you need, you'll feel like a completely different person.

muminwellies3 Wed 25-Jun-14 15:13:11

You are not on your own! I have a 6week old dd and 2yo ds. I've been crying nearly all day and feel totally worthless! I can totally relate to what you say about not feeling able to speak up. My dh and family are starting to notice and I'm terrified they will think I can't cope. I was never diagnosed with pnd with ds but looking back I realise just how bad it was. I don't want to end up like that again so I'm trying to summon the courage to speak to gp. I would urge you to do the same. Please pm me if you want to

Sillylass79 Wed 25-Jun-14 15:53:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovefood15 Wed 25-Jun-14 20:24:26

I feel exactly the same. I have a 5 week old. I am actually in tears as I write this as I hate feelin like this but can see no end.

Popalina Wed 25-Jun-14 20:33:03

Hi all! PND is such a hard thing to untangle from general hormotional feelings mixed with sleep deprivation but it certainly does sound like you have it and you must go to your GP who will be able to help. I think PND affects more mothers than we realise, it's just not spoken about much, and people find it hard to admit.

I have two, a newborn and two year old and do wonder if I am borderline PND but not really sure. I have days where I feel so miserable and don't know why. I am also struggling to bond with baby when it was instantaneous with the toddler. I also feel really resentful and angry at DH but with two to look after I am more tired than I was first time round so I think a lot can be out down to that.

Popalina Wed 25-Jun-14 20:33:56

Oh and DH has gone off on holiday. Grrrrrr.

Madge2012 Wed 25-Jun-14 21:15:49

Thanks for the kind messages. I hope the other ladies who feel they are in the same boat find a way through it. For me, I'm really not sure what to do.

My mum has been here today so I've felt a lot better, mainly because I've been able to leave my mum to dote on her first grandchild, I just feel so much better when my daughter is with some one else and that in turn makes me feel like a total shitbag. Excuse the phrasing! I can feel panic rising because tomorrow it'll be just me and her again.

From what people are saying here I think I've been misinformed, but from what I've heard previously I thought that for months after the baby mood problems are down to hormones and not PND. This is partly why I don't wish to go to the GP as I feel that this will be their response to what I am saying. Has anyone else heard this said or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

I'm also afraid, having seen the title of one of the earlier conversations on this topic, that the GP will feel obliged to call social services. sad
Really don't know what to do other than to walk away.

sittingatmydeskagain Wed 25-Jun-14 21:27:50

Several of my friends had one, and no one ever ever mentioned social services!

I really think you need to tell your gp how you are feeling. Having your first baby knocks you sideways, whether it's the lack of sleep, hormones or simply overwhelming responsibility.

I know it's very early still, but have you made any friends with babies? I think my postnatal friends saved me, because it gave me a real reason to get out of the house.

sittingatmydeskagain Wed 25-Jun-14 21:28:35

Sorry, autocorrect! Several of my friends had PND.

Sillylass79 Wed 25-Jun-14 21:38:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorelip Thu 26-Jun-14 07:27:54

My GP didn't call SS even though I attempted suicide so your GP won't do that. When I told him what had been going on he took me through a checklist to assess the level of my depression, and given citalopram. He also referred me to the practice psychologist and I visited her once a week for a while, to talk. It was much less scary than I thought it would be - I knew what I wasn't feeling right, but I'd built up how scary telling the go would be in my mind.

Rachie1986 Thu 26-Jun-14 07:34:05

Go and get help. My dd is 6months and I waited too long to get help. Things are starting to improve now and it's only cos I made that first (very hard) step of asking for help. I had (and still do, sometimes) all those feelings of wanting to run away, hating being alone with the baby etc. it's very common and SS should not be involved so don't worry about that.

Keep posting xx

nobodysawmedoit Mon 14-Jul-14 14:59:25

I felt exactly like you. It will get better. Medication saved me (sertraline) but it's not the only option, so if you have a nice GP you can talk about what's best for you. In my case I had daily visits and phone calls from mental health nurse, hospital trips to psychiatrist, an emergency trip (in an ambulance!) to A&E mental health department, narrowly avoided admission to a mental hospital and had visits from just about every social services department in the borough. Social services were ticking boxes and a total waste of everyone's time (also, utter nutters!). The rest were very kind, and helpful in their own way. Don't be afraid of getting help. Social services will not take your baby away.
Also try www.apni.org. Wonderful people, although the opening hours for their helpline is very limited.

gg1234 Mon 14-Jul-14 19:31:19

I am in the exact situation like you trust me you are not alone there are a lot of them in your shoes . Don't cry it won't help you have to find a solution and no use in comparison now the freedom your hubby has the life he has and you don't talk to a gp and try some solutions. Either go to your moms place and get some help for a while then you won't feel the victim and stop blaming yourself these mood swings your hubby might have also got when he was you . Be brave lady and that what you can do

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