I feel like a failure

(13 Posts)
kirstywade82 Tue 07-Jan-14 02:36:35

Hello, it's 2.21am and I'm sat sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a 4 month old son who I love dearly but he doesn't sleep through and I am so tired. I went to the dr on new years eve and was diagnosed with mild PND. I'm breastfeeding so can't have any tablets but the dr was arranging some support for me with the health visitors. Since then me and my husband have been attempting some sleep training for our son. The first night was horrendous and resulted in me screaming at my son, since then we have remained consistant and followed the sleep lady's technique. It has been difficult though, our son requires alot of soothing to fall asleep, he wakes 2 hourly and can't fall back to sleep because he rubs his eyes. We were swaddleing him but that just distresses him and it takes a while to calm him back down. Basically it seems the techniques don't work for him. I thought we were getting somewhere last night as he settled by himself and we managed to drop his feeds to 1. He was still waking but was settling well but tonight has been a nightmare, hence I'm up and wishing I was dead.
I just feel like a massive failure, I'm not enjoying being a mummy. I don't feel like myself anymore and I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt my baby. I really need some advice, support and someone who can genuinely promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Should I give up the sleep training until I'm better and let my son sleep with me again? (we started co sleeping because he wouldn't settle in his basket) I don't want to waste our hard work for it to be even harder later.
Please, please someone tell me what to do! :'(

wellieboots Tue 07-Jan-14 02:41:21

Stop the sleep training for now. You need to focus on getting yourself on an even keel first my love, take it slow. You can take certain ADs when breastfeeding, please go back to the GP. Does DH/P know how you're feeling? It does get better, I promise!

kirstywade82 Tue 07-Jan-14 02:49:43

My husband knows and is trying to support me, problem is he has a short fuse and whilst I'm scared I'll hurt our son I don't know that he won't either.
I have a follow up appointment tomorrow. There isn't any tablets I can take, atleast that's what the dr said last week. I may have to stop breastfeeding

wellieboots Tue 07-Jan-14 02:56:02

Sorry lovely, I'm not arguing with you but if your GP told you that you had to stop bf or do without ADs, then they're wrong. There are ADs you can take when bf. but If you are concerned that you or your DH might harm your LO, you need urgent help. Can you call on family or friends at all?

kirstywade82 Tue 07-Jan-14 02:59:52

I was just reading about Sertraline but one of the side effects is increased depression and suicidal thoughts. Probably why I can't have it, I have concidered ending my life several times over the past few weeks.
My family live 100 miles away and my closest friends

wellieboots Tue 07-Jan-14 03:13:01

Did you tell your GP that you have considered suicide? And all they said was come back in a couple of days and we'll get an HV to call you?hmm You poor thing. I'm sorry if there's a reason you can't take sertraline, but I would ask them to confirm why. If you are feeling suicidal or like you may hurt your LO, please go to A&E. You are ill and you can feel better. Thinking of you.

SerenaJoy Tue 07-Jan-14 03:39:54

I don't know about ADs but offering a hand to hold. I agree with wellieboots that another trip to the docs is in order though, as it doesn't sound like they really listened to you, and you need more help than just a promise of a call from the HV.

Forget about the sleep training - you can sort that out once you're feeling more like yourself.

You're doing a fantastic job - the first few weeks are soo hard and you've made it through 4 of them. And breastfeeding too - you really are doing great.

I'm up bfing newborn DS2 - I promise you it does get better smile

Lydiejo Tue 07-Jan-14 03:47:48

You are not a failure. Being a mum is hard work and it is just fine if you hate it sometimes. Sleep deprivation makes every thing worse. Those early months were really hard for me sometimes too, I remember just shutting myself in my room and screaming and or crying. It got so much easier as time went on. You can do this. I would quit the sleep training since it seems like it is just stressing you out. I also don't believe you can train a baby to sleep. You have to remember that they do not wake on purpose anymore then we do. All you can do is feed as much during the day and start good bedtime habits. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself happy. I really hope things start looking up for you soon!

Neetalu Sat 11-Jan-14 01:54:07

Hi there,

I hope you have been back to the doctor. There are ad s you can take. I know because I'm on citalopram and bf and there are no issues.

Sending a big hug x

Trooperslane Sat 11-Jan-14 04:25:49

What Neet said.

Co sleep? Too early for sleep training too. brewthanks

Readyasilleverbe Sat 11-Jan-14 04:51:41

Hi please don't despair. I have a 10 wk old and was diagnosed with pnd at 6 wks. I was a mess. I am breastfeeding and am on an anti depressant called peroxitine. It is fine and safe. It has made all the difference. I feel like me. I have bonded with my baby and have a totally different perspective. Go back to your doc, preferably a different one who is properly informed. Pnd is horrendous, I felt like such a failure and was so disappointed with myself but now see its just one of those things.....an illness fixed by medication. Maybe leave sleep training until you feel more in control. You wont always feel the way you do right now and i promise you are not the only one who feels/ has felt this way. and you are most certainly not a failure. Big hugs. You are doing great and will be fine. It's hard to believe right now but with correct treatment you'll start to enjoy it. Go back to gp. Xxx

Monique2013 Mon 13-Jan-14 21:56:50

Didn't want to read and run but the only advice I can give is stop the sleep training and co-sleep for now...hope things get better for you soon.

kirstywade82 Mon 13-Jan-14 23:14:35

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. I did go back to the doctor and then had a health visitor come round. I told her how I was feeling and she suggested I seek medical support. Doctor has given me citalopram. Its been 3 days and I'm feeling much better. I've spoken to friends and family who have been amazing and a great help. As for my little boy and his sleeping, me and hubby are being consistent with his bedtime routine. If he settles that's great but if he doesn't, rather than stress him and me out, we co-sleep.

I really feel I'm on track to being a happy mummy again. I laughed and giggled today and it was natural xx

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