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New mum, feeling lost and hopeless(23 Posts)
I am sat here in floods of tears and I cant even tell you why. My son was born a little over 2 weeks ago. I cant cope. My husband told me tonight that I wasnt doing anyone any favours by having a meltdown everytime the baby cries. I dont feell like I know what to do. I sometimes feel like I dont want the baby. I cant see a light at the end if this tunnel, I want to run away but havent got the courage. I am ashamed and guilty for feeling this way. I dont know what to do. I dont feel I can trust anyone, not even my mum, sister or friends because of how they may judge me. I just dont want to be here. Please help me .
(((hugs))) Mummy. Is this your first DC?
Hi, you're ok. Being a new mum can be overwhelming.
Could you speak to your health visitor? Also, let your mum in if you can. She is likely to understand how you feel.
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby
You are unwell not useless. You really need to speak to your GP or health visitor. You are not alone, depression affects so many women and it's doubly cruel because it comes at a time that we expect will be rosy and fabulous. Please speak to someone in RL about how you feel tomorrow. I am here for hand holding tonight. You have done a great thing reaching out. You can and will get past this and feel joy again, you just need the right support.
Thank you thank you thank you. He is my first. Just feel absolutely lost and like I cant look after him. Just want things to settle but dont want to wish the time or my mat leave away. Feeling such conflicting emotions, all consuming love for my son but overwhelming resentment towards him for turning my life upside down, and downright disgust at myself for feeling like that towards him. I love him so much but sometimes cant bring myself to be near him or do anything for him - dreading next week when hubby goes back to work.
You need to talk to someone about this, and someone who will listen. I can remember that dread feeling, panicking about what to do when DD cried. I had loads of help & support but I still felt like being responsible for this little person was overwhelming and scary. Especially when I had no clue what she wanted when she cried. It took time but I eventually started to 'know' what she wanted - bum change, feed, winded, cuddled etc. I was lucky as DD didn't have anything else that made her cry/upset so figuring all that out was not as difficult as some had it (colic etc.)
If you are feeling that this is all too much and your DH has no patience to listen to you/support you, then please speak to your HV or GP. I only started feeling a bit more settled/less panicky after I started going to a breast feeding group where I met other mums who either felt the same or had been there. Knowing I wasn't alone, or that my struggles were something others had, made me feel less alone. Talking to someone really helps, especially if they are well placed to offer help/support that they know you need.
Please contact homestart who offer a befriending service.
My volunteer was amazingly supportive.
I know how u r feeling.
Please speak to your health visitor as u may have pnd and it is v v v common.
I have it now, and my hv is visiting me tomorrow as I was crying yesterday and today, just couldn't stop.
First congratulations on your baby
Second, these feelings are way more normal than you realise. You must talk to someone, you won't be judged I promise. Your HV is a good start.
Lastly, your DH may also be feeling overwhelmed but not articulating it in a very helpful way..if you see what I mean.
It will get better. It really really will and these days will be a distant memory.
It's all a conspiracy! When you are pregnant everybody tells you how wonderful it will be and other new mothers lie!! It is bloody hard, terrifying and bewildering. Don't feel alone. Every mother has felt like this at some point.
Please be reassured that this will pass and every stage of babyhood/childhood has joy and worry. They are all stages and you just move onto the next.
I just wish somebody had told me this when I was floundering.
Please talk to your gp and your Mum/sister. They will not judge you and will probably be concerned and relieved that you have turned to them. Take care.
Oh honey this was me with DD1 - I was so overwhelmed, anxious, scared, tired, exhausted, resentful, guilty, you name it. I used to want to run away, but I couldn't, because I couldn't leave DD. I was trapped. I used to wish I could clone myself so the real me could run away or hide under the covers while the clone looked after the baby perfectly. I was a failure.
Please talk to your GP or health visitor. My HV asked "so how is the baby doing?" and I just said, it's not the baby I'm worried about. That got the ball rolling and I started to get the help I needed. Please don't leave it any longer. There is no reason for you to suffer.
Do you have practical friendly support ideally a mate/s with slightly older baby? I was sooo anxious for a long time with dd partially I think because I had no baby experience & I really did feel I would break her (if she didnt break me first). I know its hard but now I think its best (for me) to focus on surival first. So for me is dd fed. Does dd have a clean nappy. Has she had roughly age appropriate sleep. If so all is actually ok. But I did find the crying hard (Dd is amazing 20mths now so awesome i am expecting second (still a winge bag but now i know this is just her iyswim) but if you'd told me that at 2 weeks i would have just sobbed. I am sure you can do it if I did. Newborns are hardwork but the basics are doable (& actually how you do them routine /slings / bf / ff etc not that important).
Mummywolf it does get easier. No one prepares you for how hard it is with your first born. You will be hormonal and sleep deprived. Not a good combination? How is your relationship with your mum? Could you go and stay with her for a few days?.I found some TLC from mymum worked wonders. Speak to your hv, it could just be s case of the baby blues but could also be Pnd, in which case you may need some anti-depressants from your gp. Don't see yourself as a failure. Being a mum is hard work. It will get easier, I promise xx
Are you ok OP?? Keep checking to see if you have been back. Have you talked to anyone??
thankyou all for your messages and support. Hubby and I had a looooong talk and he apologised for snapping and saying what he did. We had a afternoon out of the house yesterday and the baby's sleeping has improved slightly since. I am feeling alot more positive and brighter about being a Mummy. My midwife is due to visit on Friday so will be talking to her about things then. Thanks again for your support, you are all worth your weight in gold! xxxx
Oh I'm so pleased you've come back to update us. I must say you've been on my mind.
Your DH must have felt terrible, we all snap and say things we don't mean but it must have been very hurtful. So pleased you've sorted it out.
Keep talking, never stop talking and be honest. There's a wealth of support and it makes no difference whether you are weeks or months post birth everyone has bad days.
You are a good mother, you will be fine.
All the best.
Really pleased to hear that you are feeling a bit brighter. Definitely talk to the midwife on Friday. Glad your husband is being more supportive. He was probably a bit stressed and not sure how to help.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
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I feel exactly the same. No answers but you're not alone. Wish I could run away and give dd to a better mother
I am exactly the same.
DS born two weeks ago and I have been consumed by anxiety, misery, hopelessness, inadequacy (my DH just has the magic touch) dread at being alone with him, exhaustion (super hungry FF baby can't go three hours between feeds and ridiculously alert all the time meaning no sleep during day or night) fear, inability to eat or sleep, guilt and the biggest desire to run away and never come back. I literally feel nothing for him and, while I'm going through the motions, I would rather be anywhere but in the same room as him.
Please get assessed by perinatal mental health. I have been visited by MW every day since I got home because I was in such a state every time they visited. Referred to consultant psychiatrist and it's severe PND. I've been prescribed AD and diazepam to take the edge off the anxiety, sleeping pills and been referred for counselling. I loathe that I'm so drugged up and unable to cope without drugs, but needs must.
I'm hopeful that, with meds and support from family/ friends, I'll get through this. There is currently no light at the end of the tunnel but I know its hormonal, not me.
It has to get better-PM me if you want a moan because I know exactly where you're coming from.
I take Prozac for PND
I wish I had taken it when I had dd, I would have had a much better time with her, I smile at ds and enjoy my time with him, I didn't with dd cos I felt like s#it!
Hi Pickle, it definitely gets better!!! A month later and I feel much better about things. Getting out if the house is a must, even for a walk round the block with the pram, fresh air works wonders. You have done the right thing by talking and saying how you feel, I feltvthat half the problem was actually saying how I felt - I was so scared of being labled a failure and a bad mother. Dont get me wrong, I still have bad days - DS is still waking 2-3 times a night and doesnt sleep in the day and we are having feeding/milk issues but things are a billion times better because I tell myself I can cope, it will get better and I can tell people how I feel and they will help me if I ask. xxx
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