8 weeks pregnant and feeling very low(3 Posts)
Hi, this is my first ever post, I'm feeling nervous. I'm 8, nearly 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby. However the road to this point has been complicated, I'm trying to work out why I am feeling the way I do - I desperately need to some help because I feel as though I am going insane.
4 years ago I fell pregnant and had a termination. At the time it was a shock and traumatic because I'd only know the father for 12 weeks, I'd started a new job and my colleagues were unfriendly with lots a job pressure, I felt financially stretched and the father lived 5000 miles away in another country. I was terrified, paniced and had a termination. 2 days after this I collapsed at work with my first ever full blown anxiety attack. This spiralled into full blown depression, grief and regret. I had to see a counsellor. 2 years after this said father of terminated baby left me out of the blue- he had his owns mental health issues, it was abusive. The key point was that the termination and that relationship tipped my world. I have never been the same in terms of anxiety. I can suddenly have days of extreme anxiety for seemingly no reason.
Fast forward to now - I now have a loving and caring partner. He's my world. We have just bought and moved into a new house. The move was in August and the house needed more work than we envisaged. The house is currently in chaos (holes in ceilings, every wall needs replastering). Since my anxiety disorder started 4 years ago I need my immediate environment to be calm and orderly to feel stable mentally. It is not - we are short of money and my partner works away all week. The house is driving my crazy.
We tried for a baby - eventhough I was very scared due to my past. THe whole idea of pregnancy holds trauma to me - I get flashbacks to the termination clinic, it reminds me of very traumatic times. We got pregnant on first try, despite me being 38. And now I am on a whole time anziety ridden mania. I cry constantly, I am utterly gripped with fear that I won't be able to be a good mother, I am suffocated by thoughts that I will make my child depressed through my own issues, I'm scared I'll go crazy, I'm scared of more panic attacks. I can't relax at home because the place is a mess. Eventhough deep down I want this baby I feel no excitement or happiness. I'm caught in a web of feeling like I want to run away and not be pregnant. Sometimes I am disgusted with myself that I chose one baby to go and this baby to live. I feel I will be a dreadful partner and that my boyfriend will eventually crack and leave.
In one way I feel this baby may be the making of me because of the past, in another I feel dread that after 4 years of crawling back up the steepest hill mentally I have ever had to climb, I might have put myself back down at the bottom. My anxiety is raging - heart rate up, smallest things overwhelm me, can't feel happy about anything.
My best friend keeps telling me this is early pregnanct hormones - I've had severe nausea and been signed off work for 3 weeks now. I'm terrified it is more than that. Please help. I feel so hopeless and sad when I feel I should be feeling happy.
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. I know your emotions surrounding it are very complex but I think you are so right to find the positives and that it will be the making of you. Becoming a mum does seem to change your perspective in so many ways. Things that seemed to matter a lot just fade way and the baby's needs take precedent.
Please don't feel guilty about the termination. You had it for very valid reasons and it is time to let that chapter close, not to be forgotten, but to let you move on. Life is for living and you need to feel joy about this baby.
It is hard to change how you feel about material things but as I am sure you know, nobody worth knowing will judge you on your house, and some of the houses/friends I love visiting the best are the ones in chaos! It's so much more relaxing.
I think with your partner being away a lot the key for you will be having a support network, and getting out a lot. It can be lovely with a baby at home but it can be lonely too so going to all the toddler groups and sure start sessions really help to fill the days. Plus you can offload to all the other mums.
Hormones are a major part of it all too and I am sure this is part of what is making you feel this way.
I wonder if you have spoken to your GP to see if there is any support they can offer.
Sending a big hug- xx
Thank you SP. I'm going to tell my midwife next week how I feel and I have an appointment with a hypnotherapist to calm my nerves - I tried this several years ago and it helped.
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